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ExFL 2001 set to kick off!
ASSOCIATED PRESS – After months of anticipation, the ExFL, the world’s most prestigious fantasy football league, is set to kickoff this weekend.
As players prepare to don their team uniforms for the first time, tension is mounting and the stakes are high. 
The league was not without it’s controversies during the off season, however. Most notably the hiring of Jim McKay as personnel director of the Hot Air Balloons by team owner, Jeff Nyman. McKay has turned the
lackluster Balloon organization into a revolving door of sorts for many players during training camp. It has not been uncommon for him to sign and release the same player in the same day. “A lot of players and owners
alike in this league have placed McKay on the top of their s**t-list this season,” summed up one angry ExFL owner anonymously. “I’d watch my back if I were in his shoes.”
While teams like the Balloons, Lone Star Assault, and the Sin City Demons have been quite busy attacking the waiver wire, other teams such as Kahuna’s Klowns, the NC Eagles, the Puppy Posse and Bednariks Bullies
have been fairly quiet and complacent in terms of movement with their rosters. “They either have a ton of tricks up their sleeves for us, or they don’t know what in the hell they’re doing,” said another anonymous owner.
Here is a run-down on this weeks games:
VEGAS CORRUPTION at SIN CITY DEMONS
The battle for Las Vegas begins in the first of two meetings between these division rivals in what
could possibly be the ExFL’s game of the week. Corruption owner and ExFL CEO Rich Samuels has geared his entire lineup to laying waste to the Demons. “If there is anyone in the league I want
to beat the crap out of the most, it’s those lousy Demons and their thinks-he-knows-it-all, Jerry Jones ass kissing owner.”
Demons owner, Steve O’Neil, was busy during training camp trying to add extra stock to a team already rich with talent. In a controversial trade with the Hot Air Balloons, O’Neil brought in Trent
Green to take the snaps, hoping he can be the final piece of the puzzle to lead the Demons to the ExFL championship. “The Corruption should be nothing but a pushover”, Green was reported to
have said when arriving in camp his first week.
A bounty of $5,000 has been put on Green’s head by Corruption management.
THE INBREDS at TAYLOR TIT TWISTERS
In another Eastern Division battle, Andy Garrison’s Twisters come to Vegas to take on the Inbreds, owned by Jay Zurfluh. The Twisters running game will be hard to stop with Ricky “Alligator Arms”
Watters and Ahman Green leading the way. “For who, for what?” Watters replied when asked if he was gunning for the league championship this season.
The Inbreds running game won’t be too shabby either. Although running back Emmitt Smith will be without quarterback “Boy-Toy” Troy Aikman for the first time in his career. “There’s no doubt I’m
going to miss him this season,” said Smith. “Especially those quiet times in the locker room showers late at night after a hard fought game.”
DELBERTS DOGS at THE HOT AIR BALLOONS
In somewhat of a grudge match in the Central Division, Bryan Booth’s Delberts Dogs go up against Jeff Nyman's Hot Air Balloons, another matchup being held in Las Vegas this weekend.
Conspiracy theorists have had plenty to discuss on the message boards about the relationship between Booth and Balloons director of personnel, Jim McKay. League owners were outraged in
the conduct of the two when they pulled off a trade last Labor Day weekend without their knowledge.
“I think you’ll find that those two could quite possibly be gay lovers,” read one post on a local ExFL
internet message board. “I think they’re conspiring to take out the President,” said another.
THE PUPPY POSSE at THE LONE STAR ASSAULT
“ The Statistician” vs. “The Tactician”. Statistic pro C.E. Ricketts brings his Puppy Posse into Fort Sam Houston, Texas to go up against Major Ross Brown’s Lone Star Assault. Brown has been
hard at work making moves during the off season to try and ensure the capture of the Central Division crown. It’s not going to be an easy mission if Ricketts decides to get in his way.
Ricketts has been fairly quiet during camp. He turned down several offers for rookie running back LaDainian Tomlinson, and his only major transaction came when acquiring wide receiver J.J.
Stokes. Stokes will be without protégé Jerry Rice this season and is expected to step up to the next level. “Rice nuttin but a selfish ball hungry mofo. He held’s me back fo years,” Stokes was
reported to say when arriving in Posse camp. “I’s gonna wear dis Puppy logo wid doze big creamy eyes on my chest proudly en proves I da man – you know what um saying?.”
ED’S WHITE SPRAY PAINTED AMIGOS vs. NC EAGLES
NC Eagle owner, Keveagle has been quiet during the offseason, making no roster changes. But
with quite possibly the greatest quarterback to ever live in the history of the world, Donavon McNabb, no changes should be needed.
Ed Samuels, owner of the Amigos believes he has what it takes to win it all in the league this season. “I picked up Terance Mathis - can you believe he was available!” exclaimed Ed. Members
of the Amigos have already visited jewelry shops to have their fingers fitted for rings.
BEDNARIKS BULLIES at KAHUNAS KLOWNS
The battle for California rages this weekend as owner Neil Klusky heads into L.A. to face dark horse Kahunas Klowns. Both teams have kept their rosters the same since draft day, and have
been very quiet in their camps. In fact, rumor has it that Klusky has never even been seen, and no one even knows what he looks like.
Sitting in a locked office high above the Bullies stadium with black tinted windows, Klusky is rumored to only come out late at night when no one is around. “We like to call him Batman,” said
quarterback Duante Culpepper. “Every once in awhile, though, we’ll hear some sinister laughter echoing from high above the stadium whenever one of our players goes down with an injury during
practice. Freaky s**t man.”
Klowns owner Chris Menor is reportedly not intimidated and expects a thorough ass whooping of the Bullies by his team this weekend.
OTHER NEWS: The ExFL has a new home page. Go to http://www.section118.com to meet the
owners. Owners can now show and brag to all their friends that they belong to the world’s most prestigious fantasy football league. It is recommended that team owners do not slow their cars
down at stoplights however. The gorgeous babes jumping in will be uncontrollable… (except in the case of Booth and McKay. They’ll probably be getting cute guys)
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