2001

  2001 ExFL NEWS ARCHIVES

Media Blackout lifted: ExFL heads into Week 9 while McKay regime flounders

ASSOCIATED PRESS - ExFL officials announced today that they have lifted the media blackout that had been in effect until further notice. "If you'll notice in the standings, Jim McKay's team, the Hot Air Balloons has faltered severely these past few weeks and is now in danger of not making the playoffs," said one representative. "I think it's fair to say our investigations and military strikes against the McKay regime have been quite successful." 

Officials warned however, that investigations could last for years, and asked the American public to exercise patience. 

McKay is still in hiding and has only made contact with the press on two occasions since his residence was bombed on October 7^th.  Releasing two speeches on grainy video tapes that were obviously shot outside a mountain cave, McKay has called the investigations into his business affairs "a war between the Football Infidels and Islam".  He has called upon all Muslims throughout the world to stand up against the ExFL and the United States by getting on their computers and executing as many trades and waiver wire transactions as they possibly can in their own respective fantasy football leagues.

However, the President of the World Islamic Organization, Kareem-Omar Ji-Muhammed-Te-Jurrah-Akbar-Jabbar, released a statement saying that no one in the Islamic religion would likely heed to Mr. McKay's request. "Muslims follow the word of Allah, not homosexuals."

Because McKay's whereabouts have been unknown, he has not been available for additional comment. Although photos released in last weeks National Enquirer picture him having a nice quiet vacation with fitness guru, Richard Simmons, on an unknown island in the Caribbean. 

"Someone has been mailing these extremely disturbing photos of McKay and Simmons to government agencies and media outlets throughout the Eastern seaboard," stated an ExFL representative.  "Dozens of people have been so repulsed by the photos, they have become violently sick."

Officials say portions of the Congressional building and White House in Washington, D.C. will be closed for several days until all the photos can be found and confiscated.  They have asked the general public to exercise extreme caution when opening their mail. In case of accidental exposure to the photographs, they ask that you close your eyes immediately, contact local authorities, recite 6 "Our Fathers", and 22 "Hail Mary's".

Meanwhile, investigators seem to be turning their attention more and more towards Sin City Demons owner Steve O'Neil.  "Anyone who goes undefeated in the first 8 weeks of the season is obviously going to be a serious target of our investigation," said one league official.  "Mr. O'Neil has had previous dealings with McKay earlier in the season, so I guess it's safe to say we may or may not have made a mistake in focusing all of our attention towards McKay.  If this turns out to be the case, we may have to give an apology to Mr. McKay for obliterating his residence off the map. But we probably won't."

WEEK 9 GAME PREVIEWS:

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Bednariks Bullies vs. The Puppy Posse

The Posse holds a one game lead in the Central division, while the Bullies fight to stay alive for a wild card spot as the league heads into Week 9.

"We just want this season to be over," says Bullies quarterback Duante Cullpepper. "Screw the playoffs, we just want to make it to the end alive."

Numerous unconfirmed reports say that Cullpepper was beaten severely by Klusky in Week 7 after almost losing to the Vegas Corruption 93-80. Cullpepper has been benched ever since. 

"I don't know what the hell it is with this f**king league!" says Bullies runningback Priest Holmes. "They're going after innocent guys like McKay and O'Neil when they have a bonafied psycho on their hands right here with Klusky!"

League officials would not offer any comment regarding the players comments other than to say Holmes has now been added to their investigations into the McKaygate Scandals.

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Eds White Spray Painted Isuzu Amigos vs. The Hot Air Balloons

The Cinderella story of the season is with out a doubt Ed Samuels' Amigos. Wiping teams out on a weekly basis has become common place for this team of overachievers.   With a two game lead in the Western Division, it may take an act from God for anyone to catch them before the final regular season game in Week 14.

"Don't count on that happening," says Amigos quarterback Kurt Warner.  "Once you accept Him into your life as I have done, He will guide you to the Promised Land.  Especially this week. Our precious Lord Above has no room in Heaven for flaming homosexuals, the likes of Jim McKay.  It says so in the Bible. Here, want me to show you?" 

Coming off a serious ass whooping by the lowly Vegas Corruption in Week 8, the league's attacks upon the McKay regime seem to be taking their toll. In a sign of panic, McKay started dropping guys off the roster again on Wednesday just like old times.

"I'm glad to be off that team," says Stacey Mack, one of the players disposed of on Wednesday. "I think McKay had some hidden cameras in the showers.  Although I think a couple of the guys, like Ricky Williams, like it."

McKay was still on vacation with Richard Simmons as of Thursday and could not be reached for comment.

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Delberts Dogs vs. The Taylor Tit Twisters

This may be a battle to watch this week. Fresh off an enormous 102-75 thumping of the Bullies in Week 8, the Dogs seem to be poised to shake the pink bows out of their hair and make a late season run for the playoffs.

"No one takes us seriously," says Dogs quarterback Charlie Batch. 

"It's not that no one take us seriously, it's that no one takes Charlie seriously," says Dogs runningback Warrik Dunn. "That's why the stupid bitch doesn't play.

Meanwhile, out in Nebraska, no one has taken a more nonchalant approach to his team this season than Twisters owner Andy Garrison. Many of Garrisons practice ethics have come into question with team members.

"The guy has us out in the fields bailing hay every damn day!" says Twisters runningback Ricky Watters. "I think it's nothing but a bunch of bulls**t!"

"After all these weeks, I can't believe that stupid son-of-a-buc still doesn't know the difference between hay and bulls**t," says Garrison. 

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Kahunas Klowns vs. The Inbreds

The Inbreds put their high powered explosive action brand of football up against the Klowns this week in an attempt to become the first team with 8 losses.

"We would have hit 8 losses last week if it weren't for that damn win in Week 6," says Inbreds quarterback Jeff Garcia. "But leave it to a Jerruh-leptic like Jay Zurfluh to screw up a perfect season."

Zurfluh, the Inbreds owner, has been in and out of local mental institutions the past several weeks seeking treatment for his brain disorder, Jerruh-Lepticy.  A fairly contagious and untreatable disease that strikes many fans of Jerruh Jones and the Dallas Cowboys. 

"It's just pathetic," says a hospital receptionist.  "He comes in here muttering stuff like 'Aikman is God' and 'I want to have Emmit's children'. I wish there was something we could do for him.  Well… not really."

The Klowns, still in the hunt for the league's only wild card spot, have not given up their hopes.

"We're just thankful that we'll be 4-5 after this weekend," says Klowns quarterback Brian Griese.  "It's a shame that the Inbreds owner is suffering from such an awful disease.  Well, actually…. not really."

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NC Eagles vs. The Sin City Demons

NC Eagles quarterback, Donovan McNabb, the most talented human to ever touch a football, has released a statement through his agent that he has decided to beat the Demons this week. "The Demons have had their allotted share of victories this season, so I feel it is only fair to my teammates to win this game for them this weekend."

Their was no comment from the Demons camp, as it has been reported that Demons owner Steve O'Neil may have gone into hiding. Unofficial rumors say that the league has stepped up their investigations into O'Neils illicit dealings with Jim McKay, and charges could be pressed against him any day now.

"I hope they take out his house, too," says Eagles receiver, Todd "The Tank" Pinkston. "Anyone who cheers for the Cowboys should be taken off the face of the Earth anyways."

Donovan McNabb, on the other hand, could not be reached for further comment as he was on the ground with special operations forces in Afghanistan coordinating air strikes against the Taliban. 

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Lone Star Assault vs. Vegas Corruption

In the most heated battle of the weekend, America's Team heads to Vegas this weekend to take on the Corruption in a battle between brothers.

Corruption owner Rich Samuels, however, has been quite disappointed with his teams performance thus far this season. "We suck," explains Samuels. "This whole teams sucks. They might as well go off and play for the Inbreds.  I'm already making up draft boards for next season."

When asked how he felt about his team taking the Balloons to school last week for a little lesson in whoop-ass, Samuels stated, "We still suck. The Balloons just suck more, with the exception that their owner McKay enjoys sucking."

There was no word out of the Assault organization if owner Maj. Ross A. Brown was going to be making the trip out to Vegas for the game.  Rumors say he was still having difficulty attempting to get out of his Sponge Bob Square Pants costume that he wore on Halloween (below).

Sponge Bob enjoys the club scene after a long day on the set

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