2001

  2001 ExFL NEWS ARCHIVES

Week 4 games distracted by impending
strikes against McKay regime

As the ExFL prepared for Week 4, league officials were hushed on any further details into the McKaygate Scandals. 

The ExFL's Hot Air Balloons director of personnel Jim McKay has been accused of running a worldwide corruption regime that infiltrates football leagues, pays off other owners to lose their games with either money or homosexual favors, and in turn, makes his own teams the league champions.

"We have nothing further to report at this time," said one ExFL official familiar with the investigation.

 When asked if this weeks movement of SWAT teams, military troops, Apache attack helicopters and portable toilets into Jim McKay's Las Vegas neighborhood meant that an attack upon McKay's residence was imminent, the ExFL official responded, "I don't know what you're talking about. But even if we did have troop movement into that neighborhood, not saying we do of course, we will not be answering any questions that could put our personnel at risk." 

Meanwhile, neighbors of McKay were reluctant to give their full cooperation to the military buildup in their neighborhood. 

"I agree that we must put an end to this horrible corruption that has infiltrated the ExFL," said neighbor Omar Tallyban, who claims he knows where McKay is hiding. "But I would like to see some proof that McKay is guilty as charged.  Until then, I'm not telling nobody where he is."

"Mr. Tallyban must understand that we are making no distinction between those who are associated with Mr. McKay, and those who harbor him," responded an ExFL official.

Other neighbors were willing to partially cooperate.

"I'm behind the ExFL in their investigation 100 percent," said neighbor Stan Pakis. "That McKay is quite strange. I think he's gay.  But I don't want my front yard to be a staging area for those damn porta-potties. They need to find someone else's property for all that crap."

A military officer speaking on the condition of anonymity has said they should have no problem finding a suitable property to place their hundreds of portable toilets. "There are numerous Dallas fans in the neighborhood."  

THIS WEEKS ExFL GAME PREVIEWS:

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Vegas Corruption vs. Delberts Dogs

In an effort to cover up his alleged underhanded dealings with McKay, Dogs owner Bryan Booth has tried diligently to get his team on the straight and narrow the past couple weeks. He has made numerous personnel moves in an effort to cover up any covert activity he has had with McKay in the past. 

"Mr. Booth does not fool us for a minute," said one ExFL official. "I'd say it's too late for him.  If I were him, I'd start shaving my buttocks real soon. The boys waiting for him up the river like it smooth."

Rumor has it that Corruption owner Rich Samuels has spent the entire season gearing his lineup just to lay waste to the Dogs.  

“If there is anyone in the league I want to beat the crap out of the most, it’s those lousy Dogs and their thinks-he-knows-it-all, rectal exam loving owner,” says Samuels.

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Sin City Demons vs. The Puppy Posse

Demons owner Steve O'Neil remains the most arrogant owner in the league. His team remains the only one undefeated in the ExFL heading into Week 4, and he has not been ashamed to boast about it at this week's press conferences.

"Typical Cowboys fan," says one ExFL fan.  "If it weren't for McKay, I'd hate the Demons the most."

"Who does this guy think he is?" asked Posse owner C.E. Ricketts.  "If it weren't for McKay, I'd hate this guy the most.  He must be a Cowboys fan."

O'Neil is so cocky, he has elected to rest star runningback Edgerrin James this week.  "Puppy Posse? More Like Puppy Push-Over," says O'Neil.

"This O'Neil jerk off has given us so much material, we had to buy a second bulletin board," says Posse quarterback Aaron Brooks. 

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The Inbreds vs. Eds White Spray Painted Isuzu Amigos

Reports say Inbreds owner Jay Zurfluh has escaped from the psychiatric ward he was committed to earlier in the week. Officials say he did not have much success in his battle with Jerruh-lepticy this week, and that his case is pretty much a lost cause, anyway.   Zurfluh was extremely uncooperative and continued to believe that the Cowboys have a chance to beat the Raiders this weekend.

"We don't believe Mr. Zurfluh is ready to return to the day to day operations of running the Inbreds yet," said one hospital janitor. "Although, as is the case with all Jerruh-leptics, no one really cares and there won't be any search made for him."

Amigos owner Ed Samuels took a sabbatical to Salt Lake City this weekend to partake in a hockey tournament at the new Olympic Arena while the Amigos put an expected ass whooping on the Inbreds this weekend. 

"Their team is a mess," says Amigos quarterback Kurt Warner. "O-3?  Last time I saw a record like that, the devil lost to Johnny when he went down to Georgia."

Reports say no one knows what the hell Warner is talking about.

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Taylor Tit Twisters vs. Bednariks Bullies

In a shocking development, ex-Vegas Corruption runningback Priest Holmes was picked up off the waiver wire by Bullies owner Neil Klusky this week.  Holmes had previously criticized the reclusive owner earlier in the season.

"I've heard rumors about this guy," said Holmes. "But I'm not scared. I've played for lunatics before.  Hell, I played for Samuels for a couple of weeks. He's not all up there."

Travis Henry was released from the Bullies line up to make room for Holmes.  As was the case for all the other players released from the Bullies, no one could locate Henry, including his family, for comment.

"I think the f**king dude is a cannibal," said Bullies quarterback Duante Cullpepper.  "How else do you explain all these disappearances?"  

ExFL officials found nothing out of the ordinary however. 

"Maybe Henry went on some kind of aboriginal walkabout or something," suggested one ExFL official.  "Now please, get on with your lives people. We have too much going on right now with this McKay freak running around."

Meanwhile, in Nebraska, Twister owner Andy Garrison has attributed his fresh approach to work outs as the reason for his teams surprising success this season.

"I got a great idea one day when I was sorting through my favorite Billy Ray Cyrus albums," says Garrison.  "At first the guys didn't like it. But it wasn't long after that they realized not only is it great for coordination and team unity, but the chicks dig it too."

"Yea I was skeptical," said Twister running back Ricky Watters.  "I thought it was as gay as McKay, if ya know what I'm saying. But now I pride myself on being the baddest motherf***ing  Cotton-Eyed Joe'r and Chata-Coochie'ing brother on the west coast."

"Don't mess with this team," warns Twister runningback Mark Brunell. "We'll two-step boogie all over your ass."

Rumor has it that representatives from the Inbreds and Demons have contacted Garrison for further information on his line-dancing conditioning program, and also obtaining complete copies of his Billy Ray collection.     

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The Hot Air Balloons vs. Kahunas Klowns

Klowns officials are requesting that fans arrive early because of extra security measures and the sell out that is expected. "We expect a full stadium because of our huge annual promotional give away this weekend. The first 30,000 fans will be a receiving a free case of Duracell D batteries, and a 12 pack of Budweiser in special collectors edition long neck bottles."

Security will be extra tight for this match up this weekend, as there have been numerous death threats made against Balloon personnel director Jim McKay, even though he most likely will not be at the stadium. 

"Fans will have to deal with a little extra inconvenience this week, as we are making an attempt to be a little more cautious while these investigations continue into the atrocities that Jim McKay has brought upon our league," explained a Klown stadium security guard.  "Absolutely no scissors, nail clippers, files, knives or guns exceeding .58 caliber will be permitted into the stadium."  

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Lone Star Assault vs. NC Eagles  

America's team, the Lone Star Assault, face the unfortunate task of playing against the greatest quarterback in all of history this weekend, Donovan McNabb. 

"Many of us are wondering if it's even worth it to show up and play," says Assault quarterback Kerry Collins. "It just seems so unfair that not all of us were gifted with the talents of that Greek God-like McNabb. It's enough to drive a man to drink. Hmm. Now that I think about it. If you'll please excuse me…"

Donovan was unavailable for comment as he was heading cease fire meetings in Columbia and Israel after returning from Afghanistan where he was able to successfully arrange the release of a captive journalist. 

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