2001

  2001 ExFL NEWS ARCHIVES

McKay to Barbara, “I did nothing wrong.”

ASSOCIATED PRESS - As investigations into what is now widely referred to as the "McKaygate scandals" continued, the ExFL completed yet another breathtaking weekend of hard fought games. 

Most notable was the emergence of Delberts Dogs, with their offensive explosion, 106-92, over the Lone Star Assault.

"I don't buy it for a minute," said one anonymous ExFL owner. "Isn't it ironic that just when the Dogs owner is suspected of being involved in the greatest conspiracy our sport has ever seen, they finally decide to show up and play?"

ExFL officials tend to agree. 

"We have stepped up our investigations even further into Mr. Booth's involvement with the McKay regime," said one ExFL official. "We are only now beginning to scratch the surface. We have found conclusive evidence that Mr. Booth and Mr. McKay have direct links with some of the largest crime families in the world. Outfits such as the Italian, Russian and Hawaiian Mafioso seem to be somehow connected with the events that have occurred in the last month."

In an exclusive Barbara Walters special interview this week with the Hot Air Balloons director of personnel Jim McKay, McKay says that he has had nothing to do with the charges that are investigators are attempting to bring against him.

"I don't know what all these superficial rumors and accusations are about," said McKay.  "I mean, I couldn't believe that the stupid guy offered to trade me Favre for Batch either! I did nothing wrong. I wish everyone would just leave me alone."

The interview was held in a secret secluded mountain cave, but was cut short when McKay began to weep uncontrollably, and was never able to regain his composure in embarrassing himself in front of a live national television audience.

Word on the street begged to differ with McKay's assessment, however. 

"I've seen better acting in Gilligan's Island re-runs," said one ExFL fan. "McKay doesn't fool anyone for a second."

"What a crybaby," said a 6 year old girl named Tina. " I think he's gay.  We like to call him 'Gay McKay' at school."

"I went out and bought my whole family a set of gas masks and bio-protection suits," said another concerned ExFL fan.  "There's no telling what McKay will try to pull off next."

"I think he's gay," said Secretary of State, Colin Powell.

"I'd love to meet him and take him out for some dinner and wine, and get to know him a lot deeper," said singer/songwriter, Elton John. 

Speaking to 3,000 ExFL fans in Brighton, England, a lead investigator said the McKay regime has ignored demands to hand over McKay, the prime suspect in Septembers covert transactions in the league, but he stopped short of declaring that military strikes against McKay's offices and home were inevitable.  

"I say to the McKay regime: surrender the corruptionists, or surrender power. It's your choice," said the investigator.

  ExFL GAME RECAPS: 

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Vegas Corruption 70
Taylor Tit Twisters 77

Corruption owner Rich Samuels was somewhat disappointed and subdued in his teams 70-77 loss to the Andy Garrison owned Twisters at the post game press conference.  

"That mother (expletive) piece of (expletive), (expletive) cheated!" commented Samuels. 

 "How (expletive) else could a (expletive) (expletive) cow (expletive) (expletive) beat my (expletive) team!  I'm gonna (expletive) hunt his  and (expletive) (expletive) my boot (expletive) until he (expletive) and (expletive) with a gerbil (expletive) (expletive) and (expletive) says 'Mommy - make the bad man stop!' "

Garrison could not be reached for comment as he partook in a cow chip chucking contest in western Nebraska. 

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Sin City Demons 76

The Inbreds 55

Steve O'Neils's Demons remained the only undefeated team in the ExFL after easily slipping by the winless Inbreds this weekend.  No one cared however.

"Who the hell wants to see a game played with two owners who think Jerruh Jones is God and Troy Aikman is the second coming of Christ?" asked one ExFL fan. "I mean - everyone already knows that the second coming of Christ is Donovan McNabb.  They're both nothing but ignorant sacrileges bastards."

Meanwhile Inbreds owner Jay Zurfluh has involuntarily checked himself back into psychological counseling. 

"How do we say this discreetly?" asked one Inbreds official. "He was found in a bathroom stall at the stadium….uhhh….. pleasuring himself….. standing over an old Sports Illustrated issue with a photograph of Troy Aikman holding the Lombardi Trophy on the cover.  He really needs help. Jurruh-lepticy is a very serious disease, and is not something to be taken lightly."

Officials are asking for contributions to The National Stop Jerruh-Lepticy Fund.   Please send donations via PayPal or Western Union to Rich Samuels, C/O Rich Samuels in Las Vegas.  This is a very difficult and expensive disease to combat, so you are asked to donate generously and often.

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Delberts Dogs 106

Lone Star Assault 92

Reports say Assault owner Major Ross A. Brown is second guessing his decision to let his team have the week off leading up to the Dogs game.  

"We had guys flying in from Vegas drunk as a hoot owl an hour before kick off," said running back Curtis Martin.

When asked if he was one of the players who had hit the bottle during his vacation leave, quarterback Kerry Collins became quite defensive.  "What kind of f***ing question is that? Don't you think I've learned my lesson?  I'm a recovering alcoholic and keep myself as far away from the bottle as I can every day. Well….. except after games we've won.  And usually after games we've lost…. and dinner…..lunch…..and breakfast. But other than those innocent indulgences, I'm as sober as a doornail!" 

 As previously reported, ExFL officials do not believe the lack of practice on the part of the Assault had anything to do with the outcome of the game.    

"Our investigations will reveal what is really going on behind the scenes with the Dogs, Balloons, and the McKay regime," quoted a close source to the investigations.  "Mr. Booth is walking a fine line between freedom and federal penitentiary ass pumpings."    

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The Hot Air Balloons 88

The Puppy Posse 79

Posse owner C.E. Ricketts was not disturbed by his upset loss at the hands of the corrupt Balloons organization headed by owner Jeff Nyman and personnel director Jim McKay. "I fully expect to be reimbursed in the win column for this game after McKay is found guilty and put to death, and all their games are declared a forfeit." 

ExFL referee John Peepers said he did his best to call an unfair game. "What else could I do? 27 penalties for the Balloons and 0 for the Posse.  Come on!  Get off my case!"

Meanwhile, it has been reported that rookie Posse runningback LaDainian Tomlinson would love to play for the Vegas Corruption and thinks a trade involving him and Corruption runningback Thomas Jones would be a really nice thing for Ricketts to do.  

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Eds White Spray Painted Isuzu Amigos 92

Kahunas Klowns 73 

The little engine that could, Ed Samuels' Amigos keep chugging on up the standings. 

"This Isuzu is running on all four cylinders right now," said Amigo quarterback Kurt Warner. "You just can't beat Japanese quality and workmanship. I give thanks each day to be playing for a team whose mascot is so blessed.  Our Good Lord Above must really love those Japs and Isuzu Amigos."

"Tell that Bible thumping grocery bagger to go back to Wal-Mart," said Klown wide out Chris Carter.  "I too turned to the Lord, and look what happened!  We lost!"

"Imm dssspointed… in di …fassititeees… of …dee commennts.. mayyd…be.. Carterrrr.. too..dee.  Wees…neeed …stuu…..zzzzzz……zzzzz……zzzzzz……zzzzzzz", said the Pope in response to Carter's comments.  

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NC Eagles 81

Bednariks Bullies 73  

Donovan McNabb put on yet another miraculous performance for the Eagles this weekend.  Of course, what else is to be expected of the man who will someday show us what we are doing wrong in our search for the cure to cancer and world hunger.

"We are certainly thankful to Donovan for allowing us to win today," said Eagles running back Cecil Martin.  "Sometimes he just feels so sorry for all the less fortunate shmucks playing against us, and shows his true human compassion for others by letting them win."

McNabb could not be reached for comment after the game as he immediately boarded a flight headed for the Middle East to lead humanitarian efforts in Pakistan.

Bullies owner Neil Klusky was no where to be found before, during, or after the game.  Many Bullies team members believe Klusky is responsible for the still missing players that disappeared after last weeks loss. ExFL officials have been so busy with the McKaygate scandals, they have not had time to look into these outrageous allegations.

"Yes, Mr. Klusky is strange," said an ExFL official. "He works in the shadows, has never been seen in daylight, practices black magic, and wears a mask. What's the big deal? Wasn't Darth Vader the same way?  And he was a superhero! I think this team needs to stop living in fear and get on with their lives. These fictitious allegations and conspiracies they are making up about an innocent man are nothing but trivial at best.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to figuring out a way we can prosecute this McKay cock bag."  

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