2001

  2001 ExFL NEWS ARCHIVES

Investigation intensifies as ExFL prepares for Week 3

ASSOCIATED PRESS – As the ExFL approaches Week 3, the league has been working around the clock the past few days with their broad investigation into the covert activities of the Hot Air Balloons Jim McKay.  The league has announced that it has arrested 20 members believed to be affiliated with McKay and his global football corruption network, and is searching for approximately 200 other suspects for questioning. 

“No one is immune from our investigation,” said an ExFL official.  “The very moral foundations that our league was established on are at stake here.  We will not stop until the truth is exposed.”

In other developments, the Reverend Jesse Jackson has announced that he will turn down an invitation by the ExFL to lead the investigation. 

“The ExFL institution, with their lack of intuition, and great procrastination, have not been able to see that this corrupt McKay organization, has acted out their devious plan without justification, and will continue with great motivation, to execute their craft to the utmost perfection, and determination,” explained Jackson.  

Most ExFL owners thought Jackson was full of it.  

“I think he needs to work on the excavation of his constipation,” said one owner anonymously.  

Rumors say McKay reacted to the news of Jackson not leading the investigation with jubilation and a celebration.

Sources close to the investigation say costs have run well over $57. ExFL officials have asked the public for donations to help with cost overruns that could mount into the tens of dollars. Please send all money via PayPal or Western Union to Rich Samuels, C/O Rich Samuels in Las Vegas. All donations to this extremely important cause are non-tax deductible. 

Week 3 Previews:

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Vegas Corruption vs. Taylor Tit Twisters

Twister owner Andy Garrison has spent the week trying to get his team accustomed to their new digs in Taylor, Nebraska after moving from Denver last week.    

“A lot of the guys are used to playing in stadiums with bleachers for the fans,” says Garrison. “But our bleachers here at the Dust Bowl got carried off by a twister of another sort a few decades back. However, our local high school a few counties away may have one to donate if we start winning some games and spectators start showing up.  I’m just hoping I can get it to fit in the back of the pick-up.”   

Rumor has it that Corruption owner Rich Samuels has spent the entire season gearing his lineup to lay waste to the Twisters.  

“If there is anyone in the league I want to beat the crap out of the most, it’s those lousy Twisters and their thinks-he-knows-it-all, cow-pie sucking owner,” says Samuels. 

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Sin City Demons vs. The Inbreds 

In a battle of the league’s two Dallas Cowboy fans, this weeks matchup between the Demons and Inbreds promises to be the least attractive game of the weekend.    

 “It’s like watching two brothers make out,” explains one ExFL fan.  “Of course I’m sure that would be nothing new for most Cowboys fans – possibly even quite exciting, I suppose.”

Fresh out of rehab after getting bitch slapped by the Corruption in Week 2, reports say Inbreds owner Jay Zurfluh is beyond repair. 

“We believe he’s a suffering Jerruh-leptic,” said a hospital intern who attempted to treat Zurfluh. “Inexplicably, he kept repeating his favorite team was the Dallas Cowboys. Obviously, this is the first sign of acute Jerruh-lepticy, which is a horrible mind numbing and brain cell eating disease that in most cases is irreversible. You almost want to feel sorry for all the pathetic losers that this disease has been cast upon in our country. Of course, none of us do, however.”

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Delberts Dogs vs. Lone Star Assault

Assault owner Major Ross A. Brown has granted vacation leave for all his players this week in preparation for the Dogs, owned by Bryan Booth. 

“We figure he’ll probably show up without a quarterback this time, so why even bother with something as trivial as practice,” explained one Assault member, referring to the fact that Booth did not play with a running back in the Dogs entire game last week against the Puppy Posse.  “We’re just following in the footsteps of all the other Dogs opponents this season, and treating this game as a bye week.” 

Booth’s actions and alleged dealings with the Hot Air Balloons Jim McKay has launched a massive investigation within the ExFL this week, leading to the arrest of over 20 members of what is believed to be a global network of football corruption cells operated by McKay. 

Meanwhile, members of the Dogs organization have been trying to work through the controversy without getting too distracted.

“I can’t believe it has come to this,” says Dogs quarterback Rich Gannon.  “We’re all kind of shocked. Most of us around here just kind of figured Mr. Booth and that McKay guy were nothing but gay lovers.  I mean hell – they both look pretty gay.  Not that that’s a bad thing, or anything.   I just mean, hell – how can they not be gay?” 

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The Hot Air Balloons vs. The Puppy Posse

C.E. Ricketts takes his Posse into Week 3 undefeated, as members of the team are beginning to realize the importance of beating the Balloons. 

“All of America seems to be on our side,” says rookie running back LaDainian Tomlinson.  “I saw a nice lil old lady at the grocery store the other day with a ‘GO POSSE – KICK THE F**K OUTTA McKAY’ tee-shirt on.”

“Some 5 year old girl kicked me in the balls at the Red Lobster the other night, and told me ‘there’s more where that came from’ if I didn’t beat the s**t of the Balloons this week,” squeaked Posse quarterback Aaron Brooks.  “That’s some serious s**t, man.”

As the controversy surrounding the Hot Air Balloons organization has continued to mount to unprecedented levels since the hiring of personnel director Jim McKay, a team council met to discuss their options Wednesday. The council elected to ask McKay to leave the organization under his own free will, although no time frame was given for him to leave.  It is highly unlikely McKay will heed to the council’s decision, however.

Balloons officials have stated that McKay could not be found for them to relay the council’s message to him, although ExFL officials believe the Balloons know exactly where he is hiding. 

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Eds White Spray Painted Isuzu Amigos vs. Kahunas Klowns 

This matchup will determine which one of these teams is for real this season.  With both coming off huge upset victories in Week 2, odds makers in Las Vegas are having a tough time figuring out which direction this game will go.  

“Last weeks decision to spot the Klowns 65 ½ points against NC didn’t turn out to be such a great decision,” says a local sportsbook director. “We’re calling this one a pick’um right now.”

Klowns owner Chris Menor has publicly stated in media outlets that the team has found its groove and that victory would be theirs for the rest of the season.

“Someone needs to take that Klown down a notch or two,” says Amigo quarterback Kurt Warner.  “He needs to remember his victory over living legend Donovan McNabb last week only occurred because Donovan permitted it.  No offence intended, but it seems everyone in the world but Mr. Menor knows that Donovan will undoubtedly be seated at the right hand of our holy savior Jesus-Christ in the next life. Menor really needs to get a clue.”  

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NC Eagles vs. Bednariks Bullies

After both of these teams were shocked and upset by what most thought were the two weaker teams in the Western Division, the Eagles and Bullies look to get back on the right track this weekend. One of them will come out a loser, however.

“Only Donovan decides who wins,” explained Eagles runningback Cecil Martin, referring to Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.  “Everyone in the league knows that. We’ve been trying to talk him into allowing our team to win this week.”

Members of the Bullies are still trying to come to terms with the loss of a few team members after last weeks game.  

“No one knows if those guys are still alive,” says Bullies quarterback Daunte Cullpepper. 

Many believe the reclusive Bullies owner Neil Klusky is to blame.  Klusky, known as “Batman” to many in the organization, is rumored to never come out of his “cave”except at night. A mysterious dark force is said to have swiped several players away in the parking lot after the game last weekend, and many fear the evil Klusky had something to do with it.

“No one has seen or heard from him since Week 1,” says Bullies runningback Jamal Anderson. “I’m afraid to come to practice anymore. But I’ve got bills to pay, so I guess I’m just gonna have to live my life in fear.”

“F**k Bin Laden!” exclaimed an anonymous Bullies player. “The FBI should be hunting down this lunatic!”

If anyone has any information pertaining to the missing Bullies players, they are asked to contact the FBI’s missing person’s hotline, or email them through their web site.  A private fund has been set up for donations to aid in the search for the players, also. Please send all payments via PayPal or Western Union to Rich Samuels, C/O Rich Samuels in Las Vegas. All donations will be greatly appreciated and spent foolishly.  

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