2001

  2001 ExFL NEWS ARCHIVES

ExFL Week 2: ACTION PACKED EXCITEMENT!
...marred by more controversy

ASSOCIATED PRESS – Pandemonium broke out throughout the entire ExFL this past weekend. The men were separated from the boys in some of the closest games in league history. In the closest game of them all, however, the largest controversy to ever be brought upon the league was unleashed as Delberts Dogs owner Bryan Booth showed that the unbelievable rumors undoubtedly must be true – that he is conspiring with the Hot Air Balloons in illegal covert activities.

With the Dogs coming off a complete and controversial whooping by the Balloons in Week 1, C.E. Ricketts’ Puppy Posse came to town to try and do the same. But the Posse were still aching from their hard earned victory over the Lone Star Assault on Monday Night, and had a lot of trouble putting up the points.  Most experts thought this would be an opportune time for the Dogs to take advantage of the less than spectacular Posse, but Booth had other plans. His decision to play the entire game without a runningback could go down in the league annals as either the stupidest move in ExFL history or the most corrupt, as the Dogs fell 54-57 to the Posse.  

“No one plays without a runningback in football today,” said one ExFL official. “I believe Mr. Booth’s actions clearly indicate he has ulterior motives that the league must thoroughly investigate. We will be freezing all his assets and checking to see if there has been any financial activity involving the so-called ‘McKay regime’.”

Many league owners believe that Booth has an underground affiliation with Hot Air Balloons director of personnel Jim McKay. It has been rumored that McKay’s regime reaches to the far corners of the Earth in a countless network of football corruption cells. McKay secretly unleashes orders for his cells to manipulate other owners into losing games so that his teams will come out looking good. 

“I believe we may be dealing with a regime that hides in shadows,” said the ExFL official. “We will find the caves they are hiding in, smoke them out, and make them run until we catch them.  I hope Mr. McKay realizes that if these allegations are true, the ExFL will not be intimidated by his corruptive tactics, and that we will eventually be victorious in eliminating his network.”

McKay could not be reached for comment, as he was on a “business” trip in Hawaii. 

Other ExFL game recaps:

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Kahunas Klowns 103

NC Eagles  88

Chris Menor’s Klowns rebounded gloriously in knocking off the Donovan McNabb led NC Eagles.  After getting severely beaten by the Bullies in week 1, the Klowns regrouped and showed they have what it takes to play against the league’s elite.

Menor made quite a few roster changes in the days leading up to the NC game, and they all seemed to pay off. Although most members of the Klowns had other opinions.

“I’m going to take this fluke victory and run with it,” said Klown quarterback Brian Griese. “I know that we will never beat the greatest quarterback to ever live, Donovan McNabb, again.”

“Donovan felt bad for us and let us win,” explained Klown wide out Rod Smith.  “How else could we ever possibly beat the Lord of all Quarterbacks?”

“Donovan is the Chosen One,” said Klown running back Charlie Garner. “Only he decides who wins and who loses. In the wake of the tragedies, he must have been still feeling very charitable. That’s the only way I can explain our victory.  I shall kneel before him and give thanks if I ever have the opportunity to be blessed by his presence again.”

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Eds White Spray Painted Isuzu Amigos 74

Bednariks Bullies  65

In the most shocking outcome of Week 2, the lackluster Amigos stomped out the roaring flame that once was the Bullies. Led by Jesus’ favorite quarterback, Kurt Warner, the Amigos silenced the critics who thought they would be the league’s laughing stock.

Needless to say, Bullies owner Neil Klusky was reportedly outraged at the pitiful performance put on by his team.  There have been vague reports that a few members of the team never made it home after the game.

“There’s a lot of guys around here s***ting bricks,” said a shaken up Daunte Cullpepper, the Bullies starting quarterback.  “There’s no telling what that lunatic is going to do to us. We were walking to our cars out in the parking lot last night and a couple guys just suddenly disappeared when some sort of black shadow came sweeping out of the sky like lightning.  I mean – what the hell man! It’s only a game!!!”

“A classic case of Good vs. Evil,” explained Warner. “All thanks, glory and praise to God.”  

Grocery baggers at supermarkets nation wide were ecstatic.

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Lone Star Assault  77

The Hot Air Balloons 75

In this weeks closest game, “America’s Team” the Lone Star Assault squeaked by the team that America loves to hate, the Hot Air Balloons.

“We can only hope that there will be plenty more notches in the loss column for that corruptive team,” said ExFL referee, John Peepers, referring to the Balloons. “I tried to call a fair game, but it’s kind of hard when you know that the anti-Christ himself, Jim McKay, is on one of the sidelines.”

After several hours of blood doping, quarterback Brett Favre put on a stellar effort for the Balloons, only to come up short. Favre could not be reached for comment as close sources report he was visiting close friend Betty Ford on Tuesday.

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Sin City Demons  90

Taylor Tit Twisters  86

 The Demons are beginning to emerge as the league favorite to win it all in the ExFL this season, as they stayed undefeated after beating division rival, the Taylor Tit Twisters. Twisters owner Andy Garrison blamed his teams move from Denver to Taylor, Nebraska this week as the reason they let the Demons win.

“The guys had jet lag from the one hour flight,” explained Garrison. “Plus they weren’t accustomed to playing in the lower altitudes of Nebraska yet. Plus they weren’t used to playing in front of the Taylor fans yet. Plus this was the first time they ever played on this field. Plus they had to wear their artificial turf shoes, because our grass cleats got lost at the airport. Plus we didn’t have time for lunch. Plus our cheerleaders couldn’t find the stadium. Plus the Dow Jones Industrial Average was down over 300 points on Friday.  Oh yea – and the Demons kept calling us dirty names the entire game. That wasn't too nice.”

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Vegas Corruption 93

The Inbreds  67

The Corruption smacked the Inbreds around like a red headed stepchild this weekend in the ExFL’s biggest blow out.

“All Cowboy fans deserve to be beaten the way we slapped around the Inbreds this weekend,” said Corruption owner Rich Samuels. “Especially ones who attempt to penetrate and spread their sick Jerruh Jones lovin’ disease into my family.  Mr. Zurfluh (the Inbreds owner) doesn’t have the slightest idea of the war he has started by trying to lure my three year old son to the Dallas Dark Side.  Society has no more room for sick bastards like Cowboy fans.  Especially with the likes of Jim McKay running around.”

Mr. Zurfluh could not be reached for comment.  Sources say he was last seen in the Inbreds corporate offices curled up in a corner stroking his Troy Aikman bobblehead doll repeatedly chanting, “There’s no place like home…”

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