Laidie looked so sad and helpless sitting there on my bed softly weeping that it just about killed me. Part of me wanted to just sit there and watch her. Even when she was miserable I found her to be beautiful. She seemed so young and so innocent and so sweet. The other part of me wanted to go over there and comfort her anyway I could. And the curiosity in me wanted to know what was wrong, but of course, she wouldn't want to talk about it. No one ever wants to be asked what's wrong when they are crying and Laidie was certainly no exception.
"Hey there." I said as softly and sweetly as I possibly could.
"Hey..." She answered me, not looking up from the photo album. I handed her a tissue and she gave me a weak smile. I hated seeing her so upset, and I was itching to know what had happened. Was it my fault? Did I make her cry when I kissed her? I wanted to scream "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?", but I knew that that was not going to work.
I searched my mind for something to say that would suddenly make everything go back to normal. As expected, I found no luck. So I just began with the stereotypical line-opener. "Look... Laidie..." I began.
"No, Taylor, save your breath." She paused. I wasn't sure if she sounded mad or upset or sad or whatever. In my head everything was racing. It seemed like forever before she began to talk again.
"Have ... have you ever had so many thoughts in your head that you felt like you were gonna burst? Like everything was moving so fast and you felt so many different emotions all at the same time?" She paused shortly, maybe waiting for an answer, but I assumed it was a rhetorical question and kept silent. She still wasn't looking at me.
"I love you Taylor. I don't know as what. Maybe as a friend, best friend ... boyfriend... I just don't know. I have so many thoughts right now that I don't know what to think. I thought I could just keep them to myself and everything would be okay. And now ... everything seems to be fucking up. I've lost my best friend. See, Taylor..." She stopped, wiping her eyes and taking a short glance at me before looking down at the album again. "A while ago, Zac and I... well he smoked me down one night and we kissed. I mean, it's not a big deal or anything. I thought nothing of it, and... and I thought Zac didn't either. But he does, Taylor. He does and he can't stand to see us together."
"Oh." I said. Oh?! She had just poured her heart out to me, and all I could say was 'Oh'? Holy fucking shit. I'm a real sensitive guy. "Um, is there anything I can do?" I quickly said, hoping I didn't sound like a jerk.
"Yeah... You can tell me that you feel nothing for me besides friendship and love me as a friend, just a friend. Please...? " She was making an almost impossible request. Sure, I could say those words. But could I really feel them?
"But what if that's not the way I feel? What if I do feel something between us besides friendship? You know that I do. It's pretty obvious."
"But that's not what I need, Taylor. I need us to be friends right now. Zac ... well don't go and get all pissed at him, but he kind of gave me an ultimatum. He said I had to choose between being with you and being his friend and I...... I thought he would be satisfied if I was just friends with both of you...." She said this carefully and with good reason. I was so unbelievably pissed at Zac that I could cry. Was he always out to ruin my life? God, little brothers suck ass.
"He did WHAT!? Why would he think he has the right to do that? That little fucker, he's jealous of me so he goes and fucks up my life? Laidie, I have wanted you, loved you, felt things for you...... since we were little kids. Zac has known it and he always told me he was gonna get me back for everything I have ever done to him, which by the way does not even compare to what he is doing to me now . This is just his way of getting back at me! He is horrible and I hate his fucking guts. Shit, can't you see what he's doing Laidie? An ultimatum... I mean, what the fuck? That is such bullshit! What kind of friend would do that?" I was pissed as all hell and it was quite obvious.
"A friend that is desperate. A friend that loves me. A friend that feels that he has no other option other than going fucking insane every single time he sees us together. I don't agree with what he's doing and I don't think I could ever do it myself, but I do see where he is coming from." She seemed to always have an answer for everything.
"Yeah, but he's being childish and selfish! And all you are doing is babying him. Maybe what he feels for you is an adult feeling, but he's never going to grow up if you baby him! He should learn about heartbreak now, before it's too late. You will end up doing it anyway, so better sooner than later right?" I felt as though I was begging her.
"Why do I have to be the one to break his heart? And how am I going to eventually do it anyway?" She sounded desperate and confused.
"Well, if he hears that you ended anything that was about to happen between us, he's gonna think that you did it because you want him. And so he's going to go to you again and then he'll realize you did it out of pity and he'll probably get all pissed off and things will be bad between you again. Then your plan goes to shit, Laidie." I tried my best to be persuasive, anything to have her in my arms again.
"Taylor, I'm doing the right thing and it's not out of pity!" She protested, I guess I wasn't all that convincing.
"But Zac will think it's out of pity, that's just how he is and you know it. He's stubborn and proud as all hell. And if you are doing the right thing, what is so right about Zac that makes me seem so wrong? And why does what you are doing feel so wrong? It does to me at least, and from the trouble you are having it seems as though it feels wrong to you too. Let me try to talk to Zac."
"No, Taylor. It will just make things worse if you talk to him." She looked so sad and so stressed out that I wanted to run over to her and hold her and make her smile. I loved that smile.
"Don't worry about it. I know how to deal with Zac. I'm only with him every fucking minute of every fucking day. I won't be mean or anything, I just feel like we need to talk. You two got to talk, why can't I talk with him?" I was determined.
"Fine, whatever! Talk to Zac, but I'm 100 percent sure that your 'little talk' with Zac isn't gonna change anything! So try whatever you want, but I'm tired and I don't want to think about this shit anymore. Do you care if I take a nap here on your bed? I'm stressed to the absolute max." Her pretty eyes looked so tired and exhausted. I couldn't resist no matter how much I wanted to fix this immediately, plus the thought of her sleeping in my bed really turned me on.
"Sure, no problem. Do you want some clean pajamas to wear? Those boxers you wore of mine last night probably smell so strongly of alcohol and all the weed Zac and Zhay smoked last night." Without waiting for her reply I threw her a pair of my boxers and one of my shirts. I had worn that outfit to bed the night before we left for the tour and Laidie had made a cute comment about me in it, so I figured she might like it.
"Ohhhh, these are those pajamas that I like! I wish you were wearing them, you look so adorable in them!" She was all flirty again. Pure torture, I tell you, this chic was putting me through pure torture.
"Don't even tease me Laidie. Rest up, I'm gonna have this whole Zac thing fixed before you even wake up, I promise." I wanted to watch her change, but knew that it would just fuck my emotions up even more. I kissed her lightly on her forehead and walked toward the door. I was almost out into the hallway when she called me back.
"Tay......." She hesitated and I turned around to look at her. "Good luck with Zac, but don't promise me something that you can't control ... okay?"
"Sure thing, Lai, but I will try my best. For you and for me ... for us." I was about to walk out again when she stopped me once more.
"Okay Tay...see you later."
"Sleep tight, Hun." When I said this she gave me a cute little girl smile and blew me a kiss. It was a game we would all play when we were little. When one of us didn't feel good or got hurt we would blow them a kiss and they could catch it in their hands and place it anywhere on their body that was in pain. I reached up and caught it, then I placed it on my heart. I blew her a kiss back, but I turned around before seeing where she placed it or if she even caught it. I'm not really sure why, but I felt like whatever she did would just break my heart.
I walked down stairs feeling sorrow and happiness all at once. Laidie actually admitted that she had feelings for me too. My months, perhaps years, of unrequited lust and love were suddenly requited and now Zac had to come along and fuck it all up. I had to find him and when I finally found him I had to beg him, black mail him, anything to make him take back his ultimatum he gave Laidie. Anything.
I went to look around for Zac and found nothing but a note. The note was all I needed though. In Zac's handwriting there lay a note that simply said "Went out. At Zhay's." Damn, Mom sure did have him whipped, he even left her notes when she wasn't home to care where he was. But maybe he hoped that Laidie or Ike or I would come find him there. Most likely not, he knew Ike was to be gone all day and it seems he had said everything he needed to say to Laidie and he sure as hell wouldn't want to talk to me. He probably just left it out of habit or maybe so we wouldn't call the cops and have him found at Zhays while both would be completely stoned off their asses. Yeah, that probably was it, but I really didn't care that much exactly why he left it, I just needed to go over there and bitch him out.
"Laidie, I'm going to Zhay's to talk to Zac, see ya when I get back. Bye." I screamed up the stairs. I heard a muffled "That's nice" come from my room and figured she was half asleep. I wrote her and Ike a note just in case I didn't come home until late and Laidie didn't remember where I was. I guess I was about as bad as Zac. Then left on a mission to verbally and maybe even physically beat my brother and then of course persuade him to take back everything he said to Laidie.
