As the average American is sick and tired of many things, I hereby announce the formation of the the Sick and Tired Party (STP). The goal of the party is to put an end to the things of which we have become sick and tired.
The STP Platform
Government and Politics:
We are sick and tired of this country being run by lawyers. Consequently, we demand that the eligiblity requirements for all elected and appointed offices prevent any person who has practiced law within the previous ten years from serving.
We are sick and tired of politicians using tax dollars in order to buy votes in order to secure reelection. Consequently, we demand a prohibition on serving consecutive terms to any elected office in the United States.
We are sick and tired of elected officials who will not keep their word. Consequently, we demand that the promises made by politicians during their election campaign be legally binding, so that if they are broken, their constituents can file a class-action suit and remove them from office.
We are sick and tired of religious hypocrisy in our elected leaders, especially those who use the meeting house as a stage for publishing their political agendas. Consequently, we demand that whenever elected officials or candidates for elected office are in a house of worship, they be required to sit in their pews and keep their big mouths shut.
We are sick and tired of public figures who support gun control while at the same time are protected by armed bodyguards, pay themselves enough to live in low-crime neighborhoods, and have enough influence to wrangle an exemption from the very same laws they would impose on the rest of us. Therefore, we demand that all actors, musicians, journalists, and public officials who propose, endorse, enforce, or (for legislators) vote to pass gun control legislation be prohibited from owning guns, having bodyguards, or dwelling outside of the neighborhood in their state of residence with the highest homicide rate, and thereby make themselves as vulnerable to crime as the people for whom they claim to speak; and if the residency requirement conflicts with that of offices held, those offices must be forfeited.
We are sick and tired of politicians pandering to stupid people in order to get their votes. Consequently, we demand that every ballot contain a spot asking for the result of six times eight, and that any ballot with an answer other than forty-eight be discarded. This will drastically reduce the influence of people who are too stupid to get such a simple problem right. Furthermore, we demand that during the election camapign, all televised election ads shall contain the statement that six times eight equals sixty-eight. This will cause people who believe televised political ads to get the problem wrong, and drastically reduce the influence of those idiots as well.
We are sick and tired of politicians who try to be all things to all people. Consequently, we demand that each candidate for elected office be required to name those groups of people about whom he does not really give a tinker's cuss; and if the groups named by a candidate do not add up to at least ten percent of the population, he shall be presumed to be hiding his true feelings, and therefore be disqualified.
We are sick and tired of mealy-mouthed answers from people running for elective office. Consequently, we demand that when a candidate is asked to answer yes or no to a question, they be required to say either "yes" or "no," as the very first word of their answer, or else be tarred and feathered.
We are sick and tired of being told that tax cuts have to be "paid for." Consequently, we demand that whenever a budget cut proposal comes before any official who has uttered such nonsense since their most recent election, a vote of approval shall be entered on their behalf.
We are sick and tired of government officials glorifying themselves at the taxpayer's expense. Consequently, we demand that government buildings, bridges, dams, highways, and other constructions, when not given strictly geographic names, be named only after persons who die during the construction of said edifice. Furthermore, we demand that no government property shall be renamed for any reason, except to replace the name of a public official with a name of geographic derivation.
We are sick and tired of public employees who have no clue how the rest of us live, feel entitled to push us around, and are subject to only the most trifling penalties for abridging our rights. Consequently, we demand that all civilian employees of government, after spending five years working for the government, be required to leave their jobs and work five years for a private company that derives less than 25% of its business from the government, before becoming eligible for government service again.
We are sick and tired of the lack of respect accorded to the valiant men and women who have risked life and limb in order to defend this nation. Consequently, we demand that the following measures be law on Veteran's Day:
That all veterans be given the day off, no matter who they work for;
That nobody else be given the day off;
That only officials who are veterans be permitted to make any public appearance or issue any public statement in honor of the holiday, with no exceptions;
That the laws against fireworks and open containers not apply to veterans;
That elected officials who did not serve in the military spend the entire day in an office in their constituency, hearing the grievances brought to them by veterans and widows of those killed in the line of duty, on a first come, first heard basis; and that upon meeting such a person on any occasion, the official shall get down on his/her knees and thank the person met for their sacrifice, or forfeit their office.
We are sick and tired of the commerical and industrial property being clustered together so that everyone has to live twenty miles from work. Consequently, we demand that whenever a new office building or factory is built, that it be surrounded by enough vacant residential property to house everyone who will be employed at that site; in this way, the new workers can live near where they work, if they so choose, reducing traffic congestion.
We are sick and tired of a government that claims to fight racism by imposing racism. Consequently, we demand that all levels of government set the example and immediately stop keeping track of racial categories.
We are sick and tired of government-funded studies that do nothing more than confirm something we already knew. Consequently, we demand that before any government-funded study is released, twelve randomly-selected citizens will be informed of the nature and methodology of the study, and asked to guess what the results will be; if all of them arrive at the same conclusions as the researchers, thereby proving that the study was useless, the researchers shall be required to refund the grant money.
We are sick and tired of every aggrieved group receiving special attention and favors just because they have big mouths and can get on television. Consequently, we demand that any American who wishes to do so be allowed to declare himself or herself the progenitor of an entirely new ethnic group, register as such, and receive federal recognition as an ethnic minority.
We are sick and tired of elected officials who cheat on their spouses, and believe that cold showers will solve the problem. Consequently, we demand that married elected officials, when not cohabiting with their spouses, reside only where there is no hot water.
We are sick and tired of disgruntled fringe groups bringing our communities to a halt by blocking the streets with their bodies. Consequently, we demand that it be legal to run over any protestor who blocks a traffic lane.
We are sick and tired of tax laws that defy reason and logic. Consequently, we demand that on the first Monday in February of each year, all Congressmen, and all legislators in states that have a state income tax, shall personally complete their own tax returns, under the following conditions:
All calculations shall be performed with pencil and paper. No computers or calculators are allowed.
They shall receive no assistance from anyone except their spouse, and then only if filing jointly. If they have any questions about tax law, they may consult only the publications that have been made available to the general public.
This preparation shall take place in a public place in their constituency, and their constituents shall be allowed to watch the proceedings and to examine all documents involved.
After completing a form, it will be examined for errors. If there are any errors on the form, the form shall be shredded, without an explanation of the error, and a new one must be accomplished. Furthemore, to simulate the bureaucracy faced by the average American, five percent of correct forms shall be treated as erroneous, and shredded.
The official will not get any lunch or bathroom breaks until all of their required forms are correctly completed.
Legislators who have voted in favor of every bill to abolish the income tax are exempt from this ordeal.
The time each Congressman takes completing his or her federal tax return shall be recorded. The average completion time for all Congressmen shall be calculated. This shall then be multiplied by the federal minimum wage. The result shall be the presumed cost of preparing a federal tax return, and all Americans who prepare their own returns will be allowed this amount as a tax credit.
The time each state legislator takes completing his state tax return shall be recorded. The average completion time for each state's legislators will be calculated, and multiplied by the minimum wage applicable to that state; all taxpayers in that state who prepare their own returns will be allowed this amount as a tax credit on their state returns.
We are sick and tired of elected officials who say that the government can't afford a tax cut, and then turn around and give themselve raises. Consequently, we demand that raises for elected officials be limited to those officials who have voted against every tax increase and in favor of every tax cut that has come before them.
We are sick and tired of nepotism. Consequently, we demand that the spouses, children, siblings and in-laws of any president, past or present, be ineligible for any elected or appointed office.
We are sick and tired of self-styled "public interest" groups with moralizing names for themselves. We demand that public-interest groups can only have moralizing names if a group of equal prominence exists with the opposite moralization in its name. Consequently, the People for the American Way must take a new name until a group named People for the Un-American Way achieves equal prominence.
Education:
We are sick and tired of incompetent instructors in our taxpayer-supported institutions. Consequently, we demand an end to tenure.
We are sick and tired of the claim that computers are necessary in order to improve academic performance in the public schools, because the problem is caused by the failure of the education establishment to adopt sound practices. Consequently, we demand a removal of all electronic teaching tools, and a return to the slide rule. Any faculty member who cannot cope with the change is incompetent to teach and should be fired.
We are sick and tired of spoiled rich kids making campus life unbearable for those people who actually came in order to learn. Consequently, we demand that every student attending an institution of higher learning pay for their own food, housing, books, tuition, etc., using money that the student personally earned working a real job, except for scholarships granted solely on account of verifiable academic merit.
We are sick and tired of public officials who insist on the preservation of the public schools, while at the same time send their own children to private schools. Consequently, we demand that any elected official who does not support the abolition of the public schools be prohibited from sending their own children anywhere but the academically poorest-performing school in their constituency, and that all school board members be required to send their own children to schools in their own districts.
Crime, Law, and Public Safety:
We are sick and tired of police shootings of innocent people. Statistics show that whenever police shoot someone, they shoot an innocent bystander 11% of the time, whereas ordinary citizens only shoot innocent bystanders 2% of the time. Consequently, we demand that the police be disarmed, and that all citizens with clean criminal records be issued firearms.
We are sick and tired of unrepentant criminals receiving parole. Consequently, we demand that all parole board members have a spare bedroom in their homes, which will be used to give parolees a place to live during the first month following their release. We furthermore demand that parole board members, under such circumstances, not be exempted from any gun control laws applicable to their place of residence.
We are sick and tired of spoiled rich kids making our roads and highways unsafe. Consequently, we demand that a person's first car, and the insurance premiums, be paid for entirely with money he or she earned working a real job.
We are sick and tired of fine print. Consequently, we demand that no printed statement or disclaimer shall have any legal weight unless it is in pica type or larger.
Culture:
We are sick and tired of an arts community that feels entitled to a share of our money, whether we like it or not. Consequently, we demand that income tax returns contain a box asking whether or not the individual concerned supports government funding of the arts. For those who check "yes" one dollar of their taxes will be set aside for arts programs; those who check "no" will receive a one dollar tax credit. Only the funds received from people checking "yes" will be available for government arts programs and for federally-funded education in the arts.
We are sick and tired of the the absurd manner in which military drill sergeants are portrayed in commercial advertisements. Consequently, we demand that behavior similar to that of a drill sergeant be depicted only when portraying an actual drill sergeant at work training actual military recruits, and only when the actor portraying said drill sergeant really was a drill sergeant in the military, and furthermore the former drill sergeant's judgment of how the role is to be played shall override the judgment of all other people involved in the production.
We are sick and tired of the continual assault on the esteem of American women by industries that appear simultaneously to cater to them and to hate them. Consequently, we demand that all women's clothing be designed by straight men who like fat women, that all dolls sold have proportions that are no thinner than the statistically observed average in American women, and that nobody with less than twenty percent bodyfat appear in any fashion advertisement in the United States.
We are sick and tired of actors and musicians who allow themselves to be mouthpieces for political, environmental, and moral causes, when in fact they are even more ignorant of politics, the environment, and morality than are our elected officials. Consequently, we demand that all professional actors and musicians be prohibited from making public statements on any issue not directly related to their craft.
We are sick and tired of fraudulent faith healers. Consequently, we demand that all faith healers be required to render their services for free to anyone who asks, and if any faith healer attributes a failure to the patient's lack of faith—an attribution never made by the men in the Bible—that healer shall be whipped with a blackberry switch.
We are sick and tired of dogs that are good for nothing due to inbreeding. Consequently, we demand that dogs be judged not by appearance or ancestry, but by their ability to fetch game, exterminate vermin, assist the handicapped, guard the house, provide companionship, and other useful skills. Furthermore, we demand that no two animals be bred unless they have no common ancestry in any of the ten generations preceding them.
We are sick and tired of spoiled rich kids. Consequently, we demand that it be illegal to give money to a minor unless they work for it.
We are sick and tired of Hollywood producers who butcher the classics. Consequently, we demand that all films based on a written work contain only the characters, events, and dialogue that appear in that written work.
We are sick and tired of laughter being dubbed into television shows in which no intelligent person would find any grounds for amusement. We demand that all producers resorting to the laugh track be skinned alive and rolled in salt.
Economics:
We are sick and tired of worthless money. The gold standard was abandoned in order to fight the Great Depression. Consequently, we declare the Great Depression to be over, and demand that the gold standard be reinstated.
We are sick and tired of real estate prices driven up by a needlessly curtailed supply. Consequently, we demand that the government own only those properties used in the execution of its enumerated powers, and make the remainder for sale, in one-acre lots, to any person who presently owns no land.