The Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Sidekick

   Those of you who read much speculative fiction are familiar with the plot device of having the sidekick do something quite stupid, so that he meets an untimely demise, gets in trouble so that the hero has to save him, etc. Obviously something must be done to straighten out these guys.

   DISCLAIMER:  The use of masculine/feminine pronouns and assignment of gender roles is not intended to preclude a reversal of gender roles. It is, however, intended to offend those who think that the space program is part of a plot to oppress women. Nyah.


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  1. If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.
  2. When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.
  3. Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies.
  4. I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler.
  5. I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero; if I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it.
  6. I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so.
  7. I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.
  8. I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.
  9. If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.
  10. When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favors, they are only a trick to kill me and escape; I will decline.
  11. If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.
  12. If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.
  13. Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant.
  14. If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.
  15. If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord.
  16. I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.
  17. If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.
  18. If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will try to obtain like items for myself.
  19. I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet.
  20. I will not tell the Hero any of my plans regarding settling down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.
  21. I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf.
  22. When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.
  23. I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife.
  24. I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own.
  25. Somone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.
  26. If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.
  27. If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.
  28. If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.
  29. If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.
  30. If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.
  31. If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and should avoid trying.
  32. If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.
  33. I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body."
  34. I will not interpose my body between the Hero and whatever attack is coming his way. If he's qualified to be a Hero he'll survive.
   The Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Sidekick List is a group effort. The following people are to be congratulated on their contributory efforts, and, if I am ever the hero, will be accepted as sidekicks:

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© 1999 by John VanSickle. Permission to quote for non-commerical use is granted, provided that this copyright notice is included. Permission to link from non-commericial Web pages is granted. All other rights reserved. If you translate this page for publication on the Web elsewhere, please let me know and I'll put a link to it here.

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