Do not despair. There is a solution.
No, the solution is not more taxes, more regulation, more bureaucrats, and any other signs of Washington Compassion. The solution is technological: The Math Lock™.
How does it work?
The Math Lock™ features a small keypad and an LCD screen, and has a solenoid-operated power relay. Say you want your seventh-grade kid to do the homework instead of "playing the [strong word deleted by censor] Nintendo." Attach the Math Lock™ to the machine to be controlled, and set it to display a problem in simple algebra, such as
5x+4=34; x=?
In order to turn on the TV set, the correct answer must be entered into the Math Lock™. If the kid hasn't learned how to solve the problem, no Nintendo! And when it's GAME OVER, time for another math problem! This will greatly motivate your child to learn something, and America's educational problems will be solved. Imagine your child's school's faculty's bemusement when virtually all of the children begin to exhibit a genuine interest in acquiring useful knowledge. Imagine their astonishment when they discover that most of the teachers who were willing and able to impart useful knowledge were hounded out of the system over the course of the last three decades. Imagine their fear when this becomes known among the student body and inspires a lynch-mob frenzy.
Is that all?
Nay! Don't not stop with first-order equations in one variable, because that just won't cut it in the World Market! When the kid gets into eighth grade, put
3x²+8x-3=0; x=?
into the Math Lock™, and harder equations in later grades. There are radicals, logarithms, complex numbers, differentials, infinite series, and plenty more!And since children's interests change as they grow older, don't just get one Math Lock™; get one for every appliance they use! Get stuff with the Math Lock™ already built-in! Slap a Math Lock™ on the family car, and if Junior can't reduce
sqrt(128a²)
to its simplest form, no dates for Junior, even if it isn't a school night! And to unlock the back seat,
d²y/dx² = 4dy/dx + 3x - 1 ; y = ?
seems like a fair problem to solve.A Math Lock™ can easily be integrated into telephones, with problems of escalating difficulty required for each additional minute. Now your kid will finally hang up the #$*@! telephone and go do something constructive.
Won't this be bad for my child's self-esteem?
Stupid people don't deserve to be happy.
So I get a Math Lock™ for the kid. How do I deactivate it so that I can watch TV?
If this is a problem, you shouldn't be watching TV.
I see your point. Should the Math Lock™ be limited to children?
Of course not! We can--nay, should--put a modified form of the Math Lock™ into voting booths. People who can't do algebra will still be allowed to vote, but after every election, the math stats for each candidate's voters will be tabulated and publicized, and a just degree of scorn then will be heaped on the one with the stupider supporters.
And the Constitution Lock™ is desperately needed. In order to cast a vote in legislative sessions, Congresspersons must answer a question about the US Constitution. Those Congressmen who don't know the Constitution are discounted from making laws.
I forsee a better America already.
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