forever, watching*
He could still see the cold lonely vision. And feel the wind breaking on his face. It had been a year and still that memory lingered and presented itself to torment him. Joshua had watched his own funeral. His wife and friends crowded in a circle of comfort and strength that neither of them had but were trying to give to the other. He stood on the outside of it all. Only a few feet away from the group but to them, he was gone forever.
Joshua was gone forever. But not in the sense that they thought. Since the moment he died he had been by their sides. He watched his wife struggle with the loneliness and his friends trying to combat the sadness they faced everyday. Never did he think that people depended on him, and loved him so much. The hardest part was not being able to know that while he lived.
Each day he watched a different person. He saw past everyone's facade and just waited. JC didn't know why he was still walking around. Why he was still watching. He should have been some place else. Nirvana. But there was this nagging feeling holding him back. He had the choice to leave a few times, but his work wasn't done. Sometimes he cursed himself for not leaving because it just seemed like there was nothing that he could do.
However, today as he watched his wife he knew different. His body was lain next to her, holding her body close to his. He just wished she could feel it. Feathery fingertips brushed along her forearms and stomach, his eyes closing as he inhaled her scent deeply. The one thing he liked was that he could feel her. He could pretend for a few moments that he really was there. That he could still lay there with her in his arms forever, how it was supposed to be.
Her breathing quickened and he glanced at her face, twisted up in pain. She never moved though. Somehow in her sleep she believed he was there.
Every breath you take
His voice was a husky whisper as he sang lose lines to her. It always worked. Her sleeping form relaxing back into him. His lips still bowed near her ear covered in chestnut locks. Eyelids closed with a sigh as he tried to loosen the tightness in his chest. This was going to be a long night. Just like it always was, with Laney. Her sleeplaced eyes were pulled open with a stretch and the usual frown. Great, another day of agony without her other half. She often wondered what kind of sick joke god was playing on her. It seemed like it took forever to find him, and a year after they were married he was quickly taken away. No second chances, no "I'm sorry's.", just the bitter reality that her life sucked.
The only time she felt like she had some kind of serenity was when she was sleeping. She could almost feel his arms around her. And the musk of his colonge that she always faught about with him to change, when she had really liked it. The look on his face when he was slightly annoyed always made her do it.
Laney wandered from the bed and set out her clothes. It was the same morning routine. Put out clothes, take a shower, eat an apple and head out to work. With him around it never seemed boring. With him around there was light shinning around her life, and as soon as he left the left was burnt out.
There was a sigh as she fiddled with the soap, warm water running down her body. Even the bathroom felt empty without his array of belongings. Aftershave, razors and other tolietries. She left his razor in the same spot though. Everything else was put into a box. But she couldn't bring herself to move it. He had touched it last.
As she grabbed a towel and stepped out of the shower she paused. Closing her eyes for the briefest second. For a moment she had thought she felt him. His hand tracing down to her the center of her back. Tickling her sensing. It happened sometimes. Laney almost welcomed it.
And then it was gone, and the bleakness of reality was back. Her pale hands shifted into fists as she beat them against the royal blue tiled wall.
Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
The words echoed in her mind, the tune wrapping itself around her. She'd been listening to the song lately. Every morning she'd have it somehow stuck in her head. Odd. But that's just the way her life was. Odd in the cruelest sense.
"Please, please see me, Justin." Joshua whispered as he stood infront of one of his best friends. He didn't know why be that nagging feeling was getting worse. And he needed someone to help him. He couldn't do this by himself. He was dead, for gods sake.
The only thing Justin did was pause at the recording microphone. Staring out blankly infront of him. His gaze was sent over to the man in the other part of the booth, handling the controls, "Can I have a few minutes alone?"
The worker just shrugged with a smirk and walked off into one of the many hallways. He just got a free break.
Justin glanced out infront of himself again. His eyes squinting as though he were fighting to see an image he wasn't even sure was there. Joshua knew he had the most contact with him. He had never tried to talk to him, he only did that with Laney. His friends were better at picking up the pieces and moving on. Or, pretending to pick up the pieces.
"Justin. Look carefully. All you have to do is believe I'm here. Please, J." He was begging. He needed to talk to him. He needed to know that someone knew he was there. And Laney was completely blocked off to him.
"I know you're there." Justin's voice was filled with guilt as he glanced down to his music sheets infront of him, shifting them around nervously. He wasn't lying. He knew from the beginning he just never acted like he could see him. He was scared. He was trying to learn how to live without one of the men that was always around. But JC was still, always around.
Joshua looked suprised for a moment and he slipped on one of the stools near his friend. His hands were folded in his lap as he stared at the control booth. That was his love. To not only be able to create the voice, but to fiddle with the music until it was his. And every time he sat in that same spot his heart squeezed with longing. He wanted to be there, with his wife, with his friends and with his music.
"I need your help."
And that's how the beginning of the end started. (A Week Later)
Joshua watched her tears with a strained heart. He watched her up in the attic of their beautiful house. Watched her go through his belongings again. Saw her tears blot into the pattern of an old shirt that she held close to her. She did that every so often. Only when she was really lonely. She held the material up to her nose and inhaled, closing her eyes. And all he could do was watch.
"Joshua. I need you. Please come back. Come back." She sobbed into his shirt. Her legs were tucked up to her chest as she leaned against one of the sturdy walls.
He sat next to her. He was supposed to hold her. He shouldn't be able to. But he did. He wrapped his arms around her exhausted form and clutched her to his chest. Her buried his face in her hair, and just held on for dear life. She didn't do anything, her position wasn't changed, only his. In the back of her mind she knew he was there. But she forced herself to listen to the voice saying that he was gone. Forever.
"I'm here, baby. God, I am." He was holding off doing something. Something that he had to do, he worked hard on it. Justin had helped a great deal. But this was his heart. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cassette and pushed it into the pocket of the shirt she was clutching.
It took her a while to notice the object poking at her hand. And when she found it all she did was stare at it with a blank expression. "This wasn't here before."
Her tone was heavy with tears as she stood up with the tape in her hand. Her lower lip was nipped at as she headed downstairs and to the bedroom. Joshua was behind her the whole time. His blue eyes swirling with a sadness some people would never be able to understand.
He sat on the bed as she fiddle with the stereo. And waited for the music to fill the air.
Every Breath You Take - Sting
Every single day
Oh, can't you see
Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace
Oh, can't you see
Every move you make
His voice was smooth and husky as he sang that song to her. She had a part of him that she couldn't have before. She knew he was there. She didn't doubt. Laney might not have been able to see him. But just being able to do that for her. She loved him even more. And her heart didn't ache as much. Because she knew he would be there. Forever, watching.
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you
I dream at night, I can only see your face
I look around, but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please
Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
I dream at night, I can only see your face
I look around, but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please,
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
Every move you make, every step you take
I'll be watching you
I'll be watching you