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"A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and screams "Air in the Hands Mother Stickers this is a F*&k up"
"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
~Homer Simpson
"Trying is the first step towards failure"
--Homer Simpson
"Love and stoplights can be cruel."
~Sesame Street, U.S. children's television show
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
~George Burns
"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
~George Burns
"I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit."
~Steven Wright
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug."
~Steven Wright
?I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?"
~Steven Wright
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
~Steven Wright
"The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first."
~Sig of Arno Schaefer
"The latest definition of an optimist is one who fills up his crossword puzzle with ink."
~Clement King Shorter - British journalist and critic
�Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don�t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!�
~Homer Simpson
"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make god madder and madder."
~Homer Simpson
Homer: Hey Marge, look at me - I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from happy land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane ... In case you didn't realize, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well duh.
"When I die I wanna be buried upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass"
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
~Mel Brooks
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
~Douglas Adams
"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
~Homer Simpson
"Why dont u go and put a condom on ur head cos if ur gonna act like a dick u might as well look like one too!"
"What are you going 2 do 4 a face when the baboon asks for its arse back??"
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
-Homer Simpson
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-Albert Einstein
"At my age flowers scare me."
-George Burns
"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."
"A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?"
-Ronnie Shakes
"The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree."
-Steven Wright
"One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95!"
-Steven Wright
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
-Unknown
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
-Unknown
"Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen."
-The Rock
"Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."
-Naked Gun 2 1/2
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
-Tommy Cooper
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
-Steven Wright
"When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."
-Top chef Raymond Blanc
"I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part."
-Steven Wright
"You know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time."
-Steven Wright
"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
-Steven Wright
"All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
-Steven Wright
"I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass."
-Robert Schmidt
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
-Robert Schmidt
"I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
-Robert Schmidt
"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman"."
-Robert Schmidt
"I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
-Robert Schmidt
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
-Mark Russell
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry!
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
- President and founder of Digital Equipment Corp,1977
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
-Rita Rudner
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
-Unknown
Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?
"They go together like water and electricity"
"You know your too stressed if you can hear mimes"
[If rejected, you say] Oh, I'm sorry - you must have misunderstood. I said you look fat in those pants/that skirt. (lol)
"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its just hilarious."
"Having a smoking section in a restraunt is like having a peeing section in a pool."
"You're village just called, they want their idiot back."
"Are you always this stupid? or is today a special occasion?"
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't!"
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
Carrot Top
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen
"An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order."
Mike Barfield
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller
"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in."
Rita Rudner
"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners."
-- Ernst Jan Plugge
"Men get laid, but women get screwed."
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
"CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE!"
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno
"Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."
I'm only a bitch on the days that end with Y