Disclaimer: Evangelion is owned by GAINAX.
Written by Eva On The Rocks
DREAMS OF EVA
Chapter 4.
Yui sat in Kouzou's office, glancing at the photographs he had spread upon his desk. No children, Kouzou had never married, but there was one picture that caught her eye.
A picture of herself, Gendo and Kouzou, taken over ten years ago now. She had been seated on a chair, with the men on either side of her. She smiled sadly, and then frowned when she saw another photo that had been taken around the same time.
Gendo and Yui, standing with Naoko and Kouzou.
Yui suddenly recalled the conversation she had interrupted between Kouzou and Naoko not so long ago.
"Considering is one thing. To act on such desire is an entirely different matter!" Kouzou had almost shouted.
Had Kouzou known then? Could that have been what they had been talking about? Naoko had not been happy to see Yui that day, but she had looked...almost smug.
"Yui." Kouzou stepped into the office, closing the door. "Did Aoba offer you some tea?"
"Oh, I'm fine, thank you," Yui said.
"This is a pleasant surprise." Kouzou seated himself, smiling warmly at her. "What can I do for you, Yui?"
Yui had intended simply to talk with Kouzou, and then perhaps ask him what he knew, but instead she spoke with as much subtly as a sledgehammer.
"Did you know that Gendo has been sleeping with Doctor Akagi?" Yui asked. "With Naoko?"
The look of absolute surprise, then guilt, as Kouzou's cheeks reddened, gave Yui her answer.
Slowly, he nodded.
"I caught them, yesterday, in the lab..." Yui was surprised to hear her voice sounding much like Ayanami's, devoid of any emotion. Perhaps she had quietly accepted that the world as she knew it was ending.
"Ah." A small smile played on Kouzou's lips and he glanced at the photos Yui had been studying moments ago.
"Oh?" Yui raised an eyebrow.
"I saw Naoko this morning," Kouzou said, trying to hide the smile. "Her jaw is rather swollen."
Yui shrugged indifferently. She wasn't a person who liked to cause pain to others, on the contrary, she liked to ease their pain if she could. However, at that moment, Kouzou could have told her Naoko needed her jaw wired shut and Yui would not have cared.
"Gendo didn't come home last night," Yui said. "I think I'm glad about that."
"I saw him last night," Kouzou admitted. "He didn't say anything though."
"How long have they been at it?" Yui asked.
"When you were admitted to hospital, with the chest pain, I saw them..." Kouzou's eyes narrowed. "I confronted Naoko about it-"
"That was when I interrupted you the other day."
"Yes," Kouzou nodded. "But I don't know if it started before then. I'm sorry, Yui. I don't know what I expected to happen, that Gendo might confess, or that they would end it, I just didn't want to be the one to hurt you with that information."
"I understand, Kouzou." Her voice sounded hollow.
"Do the children know?"
"I think Shinji suspects something," Yui said. "I don't know about Rei."
"You've always been closer with Shinji, haven't you?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"Yui, I know this is a stressful time, but is there something else on your mind?" Kouzou looked at her with concern. "You've seemed a little..."
"Distant."
"Yes, distant, like you have a lot on your mind," Kouzou frowned. "And those two have added to your troubles."
"Kouzou, there's no need for you to be angry. It's sweet that you care, but you have to work with them," Yui said. "And I have been distant. I've been seeing things, visions. Since I first felt unwell."
"Visions?"
"They started off like dreams, now I see them more frequently. There's a girl who visits me, she calls herself Ayanami, and she looks just like Rei, only her hair is blue and her eyes are the colour of blood."
Kouzou looked somewhere between horrified and worried. Worried for her, of course, and perhaps horrified that she was talking about it so calmly.
"Yui, have you spoken to Doctor Ak-" He hesitated. "To Ritsuko?"
"Yes," Yui said. "Oh, not for a day or so, and I've had some strange experiences since then. I could hear the voice in my head this morning, like a dream, only I was awake, and I couldn't move, Kouzou." Yui stared into his eyes. "For the life of me, I could not move."
He was frightened, frightened for her well-being. "What did Ritsuko say?"
"She said she could prescribe medication, but was reluctant to do so."
"Yui...you're my friend, but maybe you should consider it..." Kouzou seemed to want to say more but stopped himself. "Does Gendo know?"
"Gendo doesn't want to know," Yui said. "And I'm not going to tell him. The man I spoke to yesterday looked like Gendo, but he wasn't my husband. He was cold and uncaring, not the man I married, not the father of my children."
"I think you should see Ritsuko again."
"I punched her mother in the face, Kouzou, do you think she'll want to see me?"
Kouzou looked thoughtful, then almost amused. "Honestly, I don't think it will bother her," he said.
"The girl, Ayanami, she told me the world was going to end in twenty days," Yui said. "I scribbled down the time left, then deciphered it as a date. September 13, 2000. What is the significance of that?"
"Don't you remember?" Kouzou asked, as if the answer to that question was perfectly obvious. "It's-"
The office door swung open, the longhaired assistant took a step into the room and apologised for interrupting.
"Yes, Mr Shigeru?" Kouzou asked.
"It's Professor Ikari," Aoba said, giving Yui a smile. "The other one. He said he's coming to see you."
"Now?" Kouzou was irritated.
"Yeah, he just said to tell you he was on his way and hung up. Sorry, Professor..."
"No, it's okay, Aoba." Kouzou dismissed him with a wave and the young man retreated.
A moment of silence passed as Aoba closed the door.
"I hoped we would have more time. I can tell Gendo to wait."
"No." Yui shook her head. "Like I said, you have to work with him. I'll just be leaving, I think. I don't wish to speak to him right now."
"I understand," Kouzou said, sighing. "See Ritsuko. She'll be in her office now. And...please let me know how you go, I worry for you."
"I know," Yui smiled, warmly this time. "Thank you, Kouzou."
Yui felt a sadness descend upon her, as it struck her that there had been a sense of finality in that farewell, as if it were a goodbye.
Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, Yui wondered if she would ever see Kouzou again...
The sinking feeling that had been with her since leaving Kouzou's office had grown stronger as Yui walked to Ritsuko's building.She was able to smile though, at the sight of Misato Katsuragi's car illegally parked at the entrance. Not just on the street in a no-standing zone, no, the front wheel was resting comfortably on the footpath.
Yui entered the building and saw Misato, Shinji and Asuka having coffee with Ritsuko.
"Yui, how are you?" Misato asked, smiling broadly.
"Hi, Mom," Shinji smiled.
"Hello, Mrs Ikari," Asuka smiled.
"Hi, Yui," Ritsuko said, putting out a cigarette and smiling. "Can I get you a cup of coffee?"
No animosity from Naoko's daughter what-so-ever, Yui noticed.
"No thanks," Yui said.
"Yui would prefer a beer," Misato grinned.
Yui laughed. "Not at this time of the day."
"Hmmph." Asuka crossed her arms. "And you tried to tell me it was Japanese culture."
"Err..." Misato made a face at Asuka.
"Did you see Rei?" Shinji asked. "She was here too, but went off to see if Father was around."
"Oh," Yui said quietly, not wanting Shinji to think anything was wrong. "No, I didn't see her."
"Misato stopped by to see if I had some software to speed up Asuka's learning of the kanji," Ritsuko explained. "Shinji and Rei came along."
"If I was only at the high school I wouldn't bother with it," Asuka said. "But because somebody has finally recognised my brilliance, I'll be studying part-time here at the university as well, so I'll need to learn the kanji."
"Oh, what will you be studying?" Yui asked.
"Yui used to work here," Ritsuko said. "But left to take care of the children full-time." She looked at Yui. "But now they're a little older now, do you think you might come back?"
"Maybe..."
It struck without warning.Blackness seemed to creep in from her outer vision, then sweep around to envelope her, and suddenly Yui was swallowed up by the darkness.
Did I faint? Yui could feel no floor beneath her. It was impossible to tell if she was lying down or standing up, everything was simply gone, only blackness around her.
Panic. Fear.
Not her own, though. Where was it coming from?
Yui tried to listen to it, to tune into it.
Somebody was shouting, pleading for help.
Shinji! Yui tried to move, only to find herself feeling paralysed again and without a voice. Where are you? I can't see you!
"I hate this place! Let me out!" came Shinji's cry.
Oh, I do too! Are you here with me? Yui would have cried, if she had the capacity. Confusion.
A horrible thought occurred to her. What if this was what happened when a person died? They existed in nothingness, aware of who they were but unable to move, to feel, to see, to do anything.
Shinji's shouting pierced her mind once more.
"Misato, tell me what's going on! Misato!" Shinji screamed. "Asuka! Ayanami! Ritsuko!" He voice faltered then, the panic leaving his voice as his screaming stopped. "Father...Please, someone help me..."
Shinji! Yui had no voice here though, she had nothing, and thus, she was nothing. Is this what would happen when the world ended?
Philosophers refer to the Mind/Body problem, Yui reflected. Did this experience prove that the two were indeed separate?
"Who's there?" Shinji again.
This time, Yui didn't try to respond, but she hoped her son could sense she was here with him, trying her best to help and protect him.
"...The self has always been composed of two selves..."
That was Shinji's voice, but it was monotone, like Ayanami's. Yui focused her mind on listening.
"...the self which is observed and the self which observes itself..."
The self observing the self? This sounded like Ayanami, the same cryptic manner of speaking.
The two Shinji's were talking once more.
"I'm just afraid of being hated." That was her Shinji.
"You're afraid of being hurt." The emotionless voice of Shinji.
"Who is bad?"
"Father is. The Father who deserted us."
"No, I'm the one who's bad!"
Oh, Shinji, Yui thought sadly.
The voices faded out again, although Yui was pleased with the small accomplishment of being about to 'tune-in' for longer. It still made no sense though. Where was she? The blackness had swallowed her, now she felt detached from her body...
"...Will you live the rest of your life regurgitating and redigesting those few pleasant memories?" That wasn't her Shinji, it was the indifferent sounding Shinji.
"If I trust their words," Shinji said. "It's enough, enough to keep me alive."
"Even though you know your deceiving yourself?"
"Everybody does it!" Shinji cried. "That's how everyone survives!"
This sounds like my conversations with Ayanami, Yui thought. Am I deceiving myself?
It struck her then that Shinji had screamed out that name while he panicked before. Could he have seen the same visions?
"...running away from the reality again. No one can justify their existence, by linking their happiest moments into a kind of rosary..."
A light in the distance, so small and tiny, delicate...but it was flickering now, struggling to stay lit.
Suddenly, Yui could see Shinji, curled up in a ball, wearing a strange suit that was beeping at him. His eyes closed as he rested his head on his arms, and Yui could hear his voice carry to her.
"...so cold..." Shinji shivered, hope leaving his voice. "This is the end...I'm so tired...of everything..."
No! Yui cried silently. Shinji, hang on! I'll save you! I won't let you die!
Yui felt herself rushing towards him, her hand outstretched to cup his face, to rouse him from this cold and lonely sleep he was drifting into. Her arms went around him, to keep him safe and warm, and although she couldn't feel him physically, Yui was able to feel the warmth of his spirit.
"M-mother...?" Shinji gasped, opening his eyes.
Suddenly they were standing in a park, where a three-year-old Shinji Ikari was holding his hands up, a glowing red orb held up for inspection.
Yui leant over, not able to hear his words but catching the emotion behind them, relishing that innocent smile on his face.
"Is this enough?" Yui asked, hearing her voice at last.
Shinji continued to smile at her and she felt herself smile back.
"Well, that's good for you."
Flash of light.Yui felt her body, or a sense of being in a body, but it didn't feel familiar...
The blackness around her seemed to have become physical, like a blanket threatening to smother her and Shinji.
Shinji. Protect Shinji, save Shinji. Must get out of this dark place, then he will be okay.
Her fingers pressed against something, it felt like rubber, threatening to give under just enough force. Was she strong enough? For her son, yes!
Push! Rip it open! Tear!
It was a mixture of maternal and primal instinct that made Yui completely aware of this body her soul now possessed, and finally, the claw-like fingers broke through the darkness.
Monster. Trapped inside a monster?
Light pierced the darkness and she saw her hands, they were covered in purple and blue armour, just like...
No, I am the monster, Yui realised with horror. I am the Eva!
Yui began to scream, which caused the Eva to roar.
More light broke in, and with it, blood became visible. Yui did not care. Protect Shinji!
Above her head - the Eva's head - there was another tear in the blackness, by twisting her head, she was able to see out of the darkness. A city stood proudly before her eyes, the scene blurred by the blood raining down around her.
Blood.
I hate it, Yui thought, and what remained of the darkness threatened to crush her. Crush Shinji.
No! Yui spread her arms and felt what remained of the darkness disintegrate. Her body dropped to the ground, where she landed on both feet, covered in blood.
This is Eva, Yui realised, as her strength drained away.
The Eva from her vision, as tall as these city buildings. I am the Eva. I am covered in blood. It is raining blood.
Blood, blood, it's everywhere.
Shinji is safe though.
That is all that matters...