Disclaimer: Evangelion is owned by GAINAX.
Written by Eva On The Rocks
DREAMS OF EVA
Chapter 5.
Yui opened her eyes...And found herself lying on a cot with various machines beeping around her. Turning her head slightly, she identified her surroundings to be a medical room of some sort.
Was it a hospital? Or was she still in Ritsuko's building?
Beep, beep, the machines chirped around her. There were sensors attached to her forehead, measuring brain waves, Yui guessed.
"How do you feel?"
Ayanami.
Sitting on a chair beside the cot, perfectly still, hands clasped in her lap. Watching her.
"Strange," Yui replied. And she did. That last episode had been terrifying, but it had felt real, from glimpsing Shinji, to breaking out of the dark prison in the form of Eva.
"You broke through," Ayanami said. "You were able to protect Shinji, to make contact with him."
"Shinji! Is he safe?"
"Yes."
"Protect Shinji..." whispered Yui. "Make contact, yes, that is what happened. How could I be there? Inside the Eva?"
"Your earlier resistance to my presence has left me with little time. I had hoped to open your eyes sooner, to spare you the pain, to allow you more time to accept things."
"How much time is left?"
"You asked how you could be there. Have you repressed your true self and her memories that much?" Ayanami rose to her feet and stepped forward, crimson eyes staring into Yui's. "You no longer possess a physical form, your soul is inside Eva, and your mind has fabricated this existence to preserve your identity."
"My soul is in the Eva!" Yui gasped, but Ayanami continued speaking.
"You have deceived yourself into believing this world to be the true one. I am merely a representation of the self which observes the self, trying to make you see the truth."
"Like Shinji experienced."
"Correct. That is the true Shinji Ikari."
"And the people he called for? He called for 'Ayanami'."
"You are in Eva. Shinji Ikari pilots Eva. He knows 'Rei Ayanami', therefore, you know Ayanami. She is an enigma to Shinji, so perhaps that is why your mind gave me this form to make contact with you." A pause. "But your mind recognised her before."
"She could be my clone..."
"Yes. In keeping with this world you created, you have altered the information your real mind receives, hence your daughter, Rei Ikari."
"My memories though, of Rei and Shinji growing up, of Gendo, of-"
"False memories, the purpose of which only served to strengthen the foundations of this world you constructed."
"Gendo..." Yui frowned as she thought of him. "Naoko."
"When you began to suspect Gendo and turn against him, thus he turned against you. You recalled Naoko Akagi from your true life, and being aware of her affection for you husband then, constructed the affair between them here. In a way, she served as a catalyst for opening your eyes to this imaginary world."
"As have you."
"As Shinji Ikari has encountered people, the information has found its way to your mind, such as his meeting of Asuka Langley Sohryu. You recalled her mother from your own life, then you created a history and place for Asuka here."
"How long have I been...?"
Flash of a tombstone, Yui Ikari, 1977 - 2004.
"It's hard to let go," Yui admitted, closing her eyes. "Return to that darkness, a vague state of awareness...that is what I felt when I was with Shinji before, I assume it is like that."
"Yes, which is why your mind created this place, so you could exist comfortably."
"Too comfortably though, right?" Yui sighed. "That's why you appeared, so I could intervene and save my son in time."
"Correct," Ayanami replied. "I suggest you use the time remaining for this world to remember what you have tried to suppress. It will be important."
Footsteps approached the door, Ayanami vanished, and Yui stared at the open door, smiling as Shinji stepped in with Ritsuko.
"I just needed to see them one last time..." whispered Yui.
There was a strange sense of freedom in accepting the world she knew was an illusion, the world that she had, in a real sense, created. It was as if she were a god living amongst her creations, who were in turn animated dolls, based on people in Shinji's world - the real world.But still, Yui held them close to her, she cared deeply for these people. Would they care that this world was ending?
How could they, if they were merely fabrications of Yui's mind? Their personalities and behaviour were dictated by Yui on a sub-conscious level, but they would still show signs of being hurt if Yui were to try and distance herself from them, in an effort to lessen the pain of letting go of this illusions.
That would be how Gendo would deal with it, Yui thought. The real Gendo. He would severe the bonds of friendship and appear cold, to spare himself the grief of farewell.
Things were coming back to her, the people she had truly known and these people she had convinced herself she knew. Her mind was slowly but surely separating fact from fiction.
Gendo, to the rest of the world had seemed like a wild animal on a short leash when she first knew him, but with her he had been different. The warm and caring soul beneath his harsh exterior had come to the surface, and so Yui had fallen in love with this strong, yet delicate, man.
Shinji's encounters with him in the real world had enabled Yui to age Gendo correctly in her mind, but to change things about him so he fit in this world.
Kouzou Fuyutski, a dear friend and teacher from her own life, who had joined them at Gehirn after being given a choice between that and disappearing by Seele's hand.
Seele. Dead Sea Scrolls. Instrumentality. Her mind was not ready to recall those things in their entirety just yet.
Kouzou would always have a place in Yui's heart, as trusted confident, as mentor, as friend, and so, he was here. As a professor, who was free of the terrible secrets and conspiracies of the real world.
Naoko Akagi, a colleague from Gehirn, creator of the MAGI. Yui had always respected the woman, yet never understood her. But still, she had found room for her in this world. The crush on Gendo, which Yui had been aware of, had also carried over, if only so Naoko could evolve into the villain to shatter this perfect world.
Ritsuko Akagi, daughter of Naoko, a shy and timid girl from Yui's recollection, neglected of maternal love and compassion. She had been a gifted student, doomed to be ostracised because of her mother's name as time went on, not appearing to have friends and to simply observed people quietly from a distance.
When Shinji had encountered her, again, Yui was able to fit Ritsuko into this world, altering circumstances and filling in a history. Perhaps Yui had been unable to picture the fourteen-year-old girl from her memory as a blonde, and so the hair had remained its natural colour.
Something so simple, Yui thought, yet I changed it to suit my world.
Misato Katsuragi, soul survivor and witness to the Second Impact, traumatised by the experience and to Yui's knowledge, a mute thereafter. Fourteen-year-old daughter of the Antarctic Expedition Leader, Doctor Katsuragi, who had perished during Second Impact.
Shinji knew her as a woman, cared greatly for her, and so Misato joined this world. Shinji's impressions became Yui's impressions, the reckless driving, the cheerful demeanour, the excessive consumption of alcohol, and the devotion to the children.
Asuka Langley Sohryu, daughter of Kyoko Sohryu, whose job description mirrored Yui's at the German branch of Gehirn. Yui's knowledge of Asuka was scarce, and so, she had used Shinji's knowledge and impressions.
Rei...Ayanami, not Ikari. Yui had recognised the girl Shinji knew, an extension of Yui's physical self, and the implications of the albino-like skin, crimson eyes and blue hair.
The Artificial Evolution Project. Yui recalled working with Kouzou on the data, how they had believed it was indeed possible to create a hybrid being, created from a mixture of human DNA and the DNA of...
Angels. Adam and Lilith. Come back to that later, Yui decided, shuddering.
Shinji had witnessed Gendo's warmth to Rei Ayanami, and felt a connection to her himself, and thus, Rei Ikari was created and became a part of their family here.
A memory repeated itself, a conversation between herself and Gendo while she was pregnant.
"...If it's a boy, Shinji. A girl, I'll name the baby Rei."
"Shinji, Rei. Good names..."
I see, Yui thought. Had Gendo and Kouzou created Rei in her likeness as a means of replacing her, or in hope of returning her to physical form?
Finally, her mind came to her son, Shinji Ikari.
He had been three years old the last time she held him, before her physical end.
He was the pilot of Unit One, he had returned to her womb, in a sense. There was such sadness and loneliness in Shinji, he craved love and affection, to be loved by others. What better way to give Shinji that happiness than to give him his family and friends here?
Her Shinji in this world was confident, kind, and happy, in contrast to the boy she had made contact with inside Eva.
Evangelion Unit One. Test Type model. Constructed to defeat the wave of Angels depicted in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
From Adam, they had begun to create a new genesis for mankind, and that was Eva. The First and Second Children were designated pilots of Units Zero and Two, created from Adam, but Shinji, the Third Child, piloted Unit One.
Unit One had been born from another, Yui recalled. The Angel known as Lilith, the mother of them all. A fact kept from Seele in her own time, but perhaps the Old Men were aware of it now.
Most likely, she mused, as the theories they had looked over suggested a soul would not be completely absorbed into an Adam-based Evangelion. Naoko Akagi had showed them the data, which predicted that the subject within the Eva would not survive with their mind intact, nor be totally absorbed into such an Eva.
Whereas they had hoped with a Lilith-based Eva, an imprint of the subject's essence, their mind and soul, could be duplicated like the physical entity of the Eva itself, and then the subject would return unscathed.
The Evas were merely empty shells, useless unless there was a will inside. That had been why Yui Ikari smiled and waved to her son before stepping into the Entry Plug, confident of seeing him again later that day.
What had gone wrong? Yui wondered, her memory of the Unit One activation hazy still. Activation, a brilliant white light, and then darkness for so long.
This world her mind created had probably saved her from going completely insane, allowing her mind to exist and preserving her identity, while her soul in the Eva remained dormant.
Angels. Seventeen depicted in the Dead Sea Scrolls. Her son and his fellow pilots would battle fifteen and then the Promised Time would be at hand. The day Seele had been working towards.
Third Impact. Human Instrumentality.
Gendo, Kouzou, herself, they had not wanted what Seele did. Third Impact was destined, as Second Impact had been, but like the Second Impact, could be controlled. What had happened in Antarctica, shrinking Adam to an embryo, had lessened the devastation around the world.
Second Impact. September 13, 2000.
Where Seele had felt humanity had reached an evolutionary dead-end and should be evolved into a single spiritual being, Yui and Gendo had felt there needed to be a choice. Every person had the right to exist, be it in the real world or in a false heaven. Their work had been to provide humanity with that choice.
Could Seele have been behind my imprisonment in this purple beast? Yui wondered. It would have meant that Gendo would complete their plans, how could he have refused?
Questions that could not be answered at this time, Yui decided.
"You gave us a terrible fright, Yui," Misato said, taking a large sip of her beer."Yeah, Mrs. Ikari," Toji said. "We were all really worried."
"You were unconscious for three days!" Asuka said. "Do you remember anything? Was it like a dream or just nothing?"
How to answer that, Yui wondered.
A 'welcome back' party had been arranged at the Katsuragi Residence, and all of those she knew were there. Her son, Rei, Asuka, their classmates, Misato, Kaji, Ritsuko, Kouzou, Naoko, Maya, Aoba and Hyuga - Kouzou's assistants, and even Gendo.
"Strange dreams," Yui replied finally. "But I guess you could say, I've awoken with an eerie sense of clarity." She smiled.
"I think Gendo's hair is beginning to turn white," Naoko chuckled, taking Kouzou's hand in her own.
What the hell, Yui thought, smiling. Kouzou was always alone in the real world, and in this world, and Naoko needed somebody to keep her in touch with her humanity.
"Hmmph," Gendo frowned.
"Oh, Dad, learn to take a joke!" Rei laughed.
Rei's appearance had altered and she now resembled 'Rei Ayanami'. Of course, nobody noticed, but it was Yui's way of accepting that this 'daughter' was not truly her own, despite the false memories her mind had created.
"Are you saying I don't have a sense of humour?" Gendo asked.
"No..." Rei deadpanned, while Kouzou let out a chuckle.
"Husband, you have a sense of humour," admitted Yui. "It's just alien to everybody else."
More laughter.
"We need more beer!" Misato declared.
"It was generous of you to buy so much alcohol for the party," Hyuga said.
"Well, it's not as if I could drink that much all to myself!" replied Misato.
Another change, thought Yui with a smile.
"I don't think anybody could," Aoba said.
"It's just not humanly possible," Ritsuko agreed, running a hand through her blonde hair.
"So, Mr. Shigeru," Asuka said. "I hear you'll be the new music teacher at school?"
"Yeah, Misato found part-time work there for me, and Hyuga will be teaching a computer class."
"Well, with all the relocating going on at the University, you've got to keep yourself busy somehow," Naoko said.
"That's right," agreed Kaji. "One needs to keep their mind active."
"And just how do you keep your mind active?" Misato snorted.
"Chasing after you," he chuckled, earning himself a light slap. "Maybe I could get a teaching job?"
"Oh, that would be wonderful..." Asuka said dreamily.
"Uh huh," agreed Hikari.
"What would you teach, Kaji?" Shinji asked. "Horticulture?"
"As if Kaji would know anything about that." Misato rolled her eyes, while Kaji looked a little nervous.
"Perhaps philosophy?" suggested Ritsuko.
"Yes, that would suit you," Maya agreed.
"You think?" asked Kaji.
"Yes," Gendo said, startling them by breaking his silence. "You excel at talking shit."
There was an uneasy silence, and then it occurred to everybody present that Gendo had made a joke, and slowly, they began to laugh.
"Philosophers don't just 'talk shit'," Shinji said.
"Oh?" Naoko raised an eyebrow.
Yui could see this would be come the scientific minded versus the rest soon.
"It's about thinking, different ways of thinking, understanding," Shinji said. "It's interesting."
"But is it productive?" asked Ritsuko.
"Yes," Asuka said.
"Too much thinking can be bad for you though," Misato said.
Ritsuko opened her mouth to say something but Maya wisely placed her hand over the scientist's mouth.
"That's true as well," Asuka said.
"But we can sometimes understand ourselves better," Rei added.
"It just seems to me that time wasted discussing things like 'is there a God' could be better spent," Naoko said. "But I'll admit, it can be interesting, Shinji."
"You just prefer things to be more structured," Kouzou smiled.
"Does God exist?" Asuka asked, hoping to provoke an argument no doubt.
"How about." Kaji raised a finger. "If God ceased to exist, would we also cease to be?"
"You're saying then that God does exist and created us?" Ritsuko countered.
"I'm not saying anything," Kaji grinned. "But if we go with that theory, that God created this world and created us, what happens if God...I don't know, tires of us and disappears."
"Many think He already has," Naoko said. "That we have been left to our own devices."
"Some don't even believe God exists," Misato said, cracking open another beer.
"If God left," Yui said. "You would all still exist, perhaps not here, perhaps in another world, or simply in the minds of others, but you would still exist."
Kouzou shared a look with Yui, his expression thoughtful; maybe he was recalling their conversation about the world ending. Yui had only altered certain things, like the affair between Gendo and Naoko, the physical appearances of Rei and Ritsuko, the relationships between Misato and Kaji, and Kouzou and Naoko.
To her, it was a farewell party, so she figured there was no harm in changing things so they could all be happy.
"This is getting too deep and meaningful for me," Toji said, grunting. "Change the subject."
They chuckled, then a dangerous look entered Asuka's eyes.
"Okay..." Asuka smiled sweetly. "So, Toji, have you asked Hikari out yet?"
Toji choked, and then blushed, as did Hikari.
"Asuka!" Hikari squealed, but then her and Toji shared a smile.
"Asuka," Rei spoke quietly. "Have you asked Shinji out yet?"
"What?!" Asuka nearly exploded, while Shinji just cringed. "Why would I ask that jerk out?"
"Awww, how cute!" Misato teased. "They're all embarrassed."
"Quit teasing us!" Toji and Shinji shouted.
"I can't help it, you just go so ballistic!" Misato said, grinning.
"Just like you do, Misato," Ritsuko smiled.
"I do not!"
Yui just sat back, enjoying their laughter, no longer caring if they were all just creations of her mind, representations of their true selves existing in her false world. At that moment, they were all real to her, as was their happiness.
But it was time to go.
Shinji would need her, need Eva, to protect him soon. And the longer she lingered here, the harder it would be to return to that darkness awaiting her.
Casting her eyes over all of them one last time, Yui slowly rose to her feet, smiling at them all.
"I have to go now," she said, aware there was no longer a need to explain anything, but feeling the urge to anyway.
They returned her smile, some of them - like Kouzou - even nodded in what seemed to be understanding. Shinji was watching her, a content smile on his face as his eyes held hers for a moment.
Yui had been about to give a speech, to say thank you to them all, but then the memories of the Instrumentality Project came back to her.
There was no need, she thought, perhaps she would have the chance to say it to them for real soon enough.
"Take care of yourselves," Yui said, taking one final look at them all, relishing their happiness.
And then she walked out of the apartment, closing the door on the world behind her, before stepping into the darkness once more.
And returning to Eva.
NOTES:
I wrote this after wondering where Yui's mind might be prior to Unit One's awakening and it sort of grew from there.
The world Yui has created was intentionally modelled after Shinji's AU world from Ep 26 (disturbingly happy), with events and characters from the normal Eva universe finding their way in. It seemed right to have 'Ayanami' acting as the 'self observing the self', or the part of Yui's mind trying to shatter the dream world in time for Unit One's awakening.
In Chapter 3, while Yui is chatting with 'Eva', there are a couple of obvious Donnie Darko references ("Why do you wear that human suit/the world ending). Those were put there because I'd watched the movie around the time I wrote part 3 and it influenced a few things (Yui's invisible friend in 'Ayanami'). Good movie, go watch.
Thanks and drinks go out to Spirogyra for pre-reading.
Send any comments and criticism to [email protected]
-Started: July/September, 2004.
-Completed and sent for pre-read: September, 2004.
-Posted: October, 2004.
-Few revisions (minor editing, no changes to story): February, 2005