Continue to Part 3
Disclaimer: GW does not belong to me. Never has done, never will.
*******
I�m running, breathing hard as I easily clear the railings, managing a few
more feet before I fall, lying flat on my back as I stare up at the sky and
laugh. But someone interrupts my solitude; a young girl and her dog. She asks me
if I�m lost. I�ve been lost ever since the day I was born, I tell her. She
explains to me that she�s out taking her dog for a walk, then hands me a flower.
I stare at it in wonder even after she leaves, skipping after her puppy and
laughing happily. I wonder what it would be like to be so carefree.
Suddenly, I�m no longer in the field, but standing near an apartment complex,
ready to blow up a few mobile suits. It goes without a hitch, no problem.
�Mission complete,� I say to myself before walking away.
Something catches my attention though and I whirl around just in time to see
one of the suits fall backwards and into the apartment complex, destroying the
building and surely the residents inside. All I can do is stand and stare in
horror at what I�ve caused; clutching the flower that little girl gave me like a
lifeline.
Then I can�t bear to look any longer, I have to get away. I turn to make my
escape, but Trowa is standing there before me. I look up at him, wondering what
he is doing here.
�T-Trowa?� I stammer, not quite believing my eyes. He nods his head once,
staring at me under the veil of his hair, scrutinising me. I feel naked and
vulnerable underneath that gaze and I stand stock-still before him. For the
first time in my life, I don�t know how to react.
�Why do you run, Heero?� he asks quietly, stepping closer. �Why do you hide
from who you really are?�
What is he talking about? �I...I don�t understand,� I mumble, my fist
clenching round the tiny flower tightly, almost crushing it in my grip. Trowa�s
gaze moves down to my tightly fisted hands before coming back up to meet my
eyes. I stare into those emerald orbs and see...pity? Sadness? And it�s directed
at me. No longer able to face his examination of me, I avoid his eyes.
I�m startled when he moves closer to me, reaching out to touch me. I flinch
involuntarily, but he takes no notice and that confuses me. Usually Trowa never
invades another�s personal space, doesn�t allow himself to get too close to
anybody. One of his hands closes lightly round my own, stroking the back of my
hand and getting me to loosen up. My breathing hitches when I dare to glance
back up at him. He�s still watching me as his fingers gently smooth over my
skin. My whole body is screaming out for me to go to him, rely on him, trust him
to make it all better.
I slowly unclench my fingers and hesitantly take his hand. It�s then that he
offers me a dazzling smile, one that makes my heart leap. Trowa never smiles.
Witnessing him now though, I wish he would do it more often. His hand feels warm
in mine, comforting and secure. I suddenly feel dizzy and I sway awkwardly. He
catches me before I can fall, his arms moving around me and just holding me. He
feels safe, undemanding and I allow my body to go limp against his, trusting him
not to hurt me.
He�s whispering something in my ear; I can feel the rush of his breath against
my skin and it makes me shiver. It doesn�t feel unpleasant. I think I like it. I
can�t make out what he�s saying, but it doesn�t matter; his voice is low and
soothing and I close my eyes, letting myself lean on him.
I think I�m going to fall asleep and I struggle to regain awareness of my
surroundings. Being this close to Trowa makes it hard for me to stay alert which
is bad because I can never let my guard down. Trowa doesn�t seem too worried
though and I trust him to watch out for me. Trowa will look after me. I feel
like I should do something for him in return, but I don�t know what I can give
him that he would want. I force my eyes open, just to make sure that he�s still
there, that he isn�t going to leave anytime soon.
He�s still there, still holding me and I sigh in relief. His expression
though...he�s looking at me like... I can�t figure out what he�s thinking and it
disturbs me a little. Trowa wouldn�t hurt me...would he?
I�m still trying to work out why he�s looking at me in such a way and the next
thing I know, his lips are on mine. I give a small cry of surprise and try to
pull away, but I feel drained...sluggish. And as I feel the softness of his
mouth against mine, I realise that I don�t *want* to get away from him.
We stay that way for a while; our lips just touching, nothing more. Something
in the back of my mind tells me I should be resisting him, but I don�t want to.
In the end, he�s the one to pull away and almost immediately, I miss the soft
pressure of his mouth on mine. I can still taste him and I begin to tremble, my
own arms coming up to slide around his waist as I lean into him.
I can feel his breath against my ear once more and he speaks softly. �Why do
you feel the need to hide?� he asks me again. �For once in your life, you don�t
have to fight, Heero.�
I want to believe him so badly...want to surrender to him and only him. Of its
own accord, my hand slides up his back and into his hair, trying to direct his
mouth back to mine. I somehow know that if I trust him, if I keep him close to
me, he could make me feel so good.
He chuckles faintly and allows me to pull him back for another kiss. I don�t
want to hide from him, nor do I want to fight. I feel my knees go weak when he
kisses me, his hands softly stroking my back, causing me to shiver. His hands
begin to stray over my body, one of them moving up to tangle in my hair, the
other sliding down over my rump. I moan softly when he pulls my hips against his
and I feel his hardness pushing against me. My breathing grows harsher as I feel
something stirring inside of me in response.
I gasp in surprise when his embrace tightens on me, his fingers digging into
my back and I�m not sure that I like this. I try to pull back slightly, but his
grip turns almost painful.
�Trowa?� I say uncertainly. �Trowa, you�re hurting me.�
When I look up at him again though, it�s to see that it�s no longer Trowa who
is holding me, but Doctor J and I feel a bolt of fear run through my body,
completely eradicating all of the pleasantness that I experienced with Trowa.
�What...what�s going on?� I manage to get out.
�What exactly do you think you�re doing, Heero?� he asks me, his voice harsh.
�I-I don�t know,� I reply and it�s true. I really don�t. I�m not feeling
myself; I don�t understand why I�m acting in this way.
�I didn�t spend all that time training you to be the perfect soldier for
nothing you know,� he growls out, glaring at me. �All of what you�re feeling
right now...you know you�re not supposed to give in to any emotion.� I start
when he speaks again, almost shouting. �You must never let your guard down!
Never trust anyone! I�d have thought better of you than to let your hormones
take control of your body. You�re pathetic! It seems that we must start over
again. We need to stamp out those feelings, boy.�
�I�m sorry,� I say miserably, hanging my head, no longer able to meet his
eyes. I don�t want him to yell at me, I don�t want him to make me feel like a
failure. I want to do something right...but being with Trowa, that felt right...
�Are you even listening to me?�
I flinch as he brings his hand down hard against my cheek, my eyes flying open
in shock...only to find that Doctor J is gone. It�s just me alone in my bed. I
sit up quickly and take in my surroundings, my heart pounding and my breathing
laboured. I relax slightly when I remember that I�m in the safe house, that Duo,
Quatre and Wufei are on a mission and won�t be back for three more days while
Trowa...Trowa is just across the hall.
I panic slightly, trying to remember if I�d cried out during my dream at all,
but I can�t hear any movements inside the house. I glance over at the clock on
the bedside table and it reads 3:47AM. He must be asleep.
I flop back against the pillows, forcing myself to relax, but I�m still tense
and it�s then that I notice that I�m still hard. I bite my lower lip and close
my eyes, trying to block out my surroundings. I slowly snake a hand down my
body, stopping just below my navel. I�m so tempted to touch myself, to relieve
the tension that I�m feeling. But I remember Doctor J�s words, both from the
dream and from what he�s told me in the past. I have no right to feel this way,
or to touch myself.
But Doctor J isn�t here, a little voice in my head tells me. He doesn�t know
what you�re about to do.
Yes, but it�s bad, another voice argues back. He could find out.
Ignoring both voices, I let my hand inch down further, pushing inside my
shorts until I�m touching the heated flesh inside, a moan escaping my lips. It
reminds me of the dream when Trowa was in it, how I moaned in the same way when
he kissed me, when he touched me.
Then I wrench my hand away, breathing hard. I can�t allow myself to think
about that. It�s wrong. I know what I have to do.
I heave myself out of bed, making my way to the walk-in bathroom and shedding
my clothes, stepping into the shower and turning the water on, cranking the
handle until the water that streams down on me is at a temperature just above
freezing. I hiss through clenched teeth, but I need this. I need to get my mind
away from those feelings of...arousal. I�m not supposed to feel anything, but
especially not that which is why I�ve been conditioned to this response, to
almost freeze my balls off instead of indulging in those feelings. It�s not
something that I should be doing. It�s *bad*.
After a few minutes of just standing there, my skin turning an alarming shade
of blue, I start to feel something akin to worry when my erection shows no sign
of disappearing anytime soon. I don�t understand it; it never took this long
before.
Ah, but you�ve never had dirty dreams about Trowa before, have you? My mind
reminds me tauntingly. It suddenly occurs to me how much the little voice that
always keeps me in check sounds like Doctor J.
I close my eyes and shake my head in denial. It wasn�t a dirty dream! We
didn�t do anything! Then the thought comes unbidden; �but God, I wanted to...�
My teeth worry at my lower lip; a nervous habit I haven�t shown since
childhood. As my body trembles violently beneath the frigid spray, I can�t help
but feel torn in two. On the one hand, I know I shouldn�t be disobeying my
mentor, shouldn�t be going against everything he�s ever taught me.
On the other hand though, some small rebellious side of me argues that I�m a
teenaged boy, not an average one granted, but still a teenaged boy. Why
shouldn�t I do this?
Almost before I know it, one shaking hand reaches out and twists the shower
dial, cranking up the heat although it takes a while for my body to register the
change in temperature. Now the water is so hot it�s almost scalding me. Where
before my skin was an icy shade of blue, it�s now an angry-looking red. It
doesn�t bother me as much as it should do though. I know it sounds stupid, but I
almost feel free somehow. Hell, once you�ve broken one of the rules, you�re
already half way to becoming a criminal, right?
Slowly, tentatively, my right hand moves down my body, lightly sliding over my
swollen flesh and I bite harder on my lip, barely noticing the fact that I can
taste blood. �This is bad, this is bad...� my mind keeps telling me, over and
over again like a mantra, but as I wrap a hand around my cock and squeeze
gently, I can�t understand how something that I�m supposed to think of as bad
feels so good.
I squeeze harder, starting to move my fist up and down my length, my eyes
slipping shut as my mouth opens on a soft moan. Already I want more and it isn�t
long before I begin pumping my hips, my free hand braced against the shower
wall, keeping me upright.
This feels...I�m not exactly sure what it feels like, but I know that it�s a
good feeling; I know that I like it. The fact that I�m directly going against
Doctor J�s orders adds to that feeling, that I�m indulging in a guilty pleasure
and he doesn�t know about it.
Just then, the image of Trowa appears in my mind and somewhere in the fog of
lust surrounding my brain, I wonder if he ever does this. The thought of Trowa
touching himself wrings another moan from my lips. I try to picture that long,
slender body of his doing what I�m doing now, the expression on his face similar
to the one he wore when he looked at me in the dream. Now I understand what that
look meant, that he was trying to communicate his arousal through his eyes. I�d
give anything to have him look at me that way in real life.
I don�t want to think about what I don�t have right now though as the jerky
rhythm of my hips increases, my breath coming in shallow pants.
Suddenly, the memory of Trowa smiling at me in the dream comes to mind and my
entire body stiffens as I groan harshly, reaching my climax. I slump weakly
against the shower wall, my hand still curled around my shaft as my body
trembles uncontrollably and it takes me a while to gain some semblance of
reality.
I reach out and turn the shower spray completely off, standing in the stall
for a few minutes longer before finally staggering out on shaky legs. I grab the
nearest towel and almost mechanically start drying myself off.
I make my way back into my room and pull on a clean pair of boxers, falling
back onto the bed. Unfortunately, the experience loses its pleasantness when my
mind begins working again and I bury my face into the pillow, feeling guilty and
ashamed. I can�t believe I�ve disobeyed J�s teachings; I�ve let that feeling in
my crotch gain control of my body. I lost control. I can�t ever let that happen
again.
And if that isn�t bad enough, I came thinking of *Trowa*. I�ve acted
shamefully enough, but that I had to drag him into my sordid fantasies is even
worse. Poor, innocent Trowa who is completely unaware of what I�ve done. How am
I ever going to be able to look him in the eye after this? If he ever found out,
he�d be absolutely disgusted with me I know and that thought saddens me more
than anything else. I don�t want Trowa to think of me in that way.
It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.