Continue to Part 4
Disclaimer: GW does not belong to me. Never has done, never will.
I glance over at the clock for what seems like the fifteenth time. It�s
already past nine AM and I�m feeling somewhat concerned. Heero never sleeps in
this late. Duo is the one we always end up having to drag out of bed; Heero is
up with the dawn, being one of the very few people who sleep even less than I
do.
All right, I admit it I�m bored. The other three were still on their missions
leaving just Heero and I alone in the safe house. At first, having to live with
Duo and Wufei and their almost constant bickering very nearly drove me insane. I
still wasn�t used to being around people and it took me a while to adjust to the
way things are now. These days it seems I have the opposite problem. No matter
how much Duo and Wufei get on each other�s nerves and mine sometimes, it�s kind
of...comforting...reassuring if you will.
It�s surprising how much I�ve gotten used to being around the other pilots,
Heero in a corner with his beloved laptop, Duo provoking Wufei while Quatre
tries to keep the peace between them. So much so that the house seems too quiet
somehow without them. I don�t talk a lot, but I don�t mind listening to other
people. Even Duo who talks a whole lot about nothing in particular, but damned
if I�ll let him know that.
When I next look up at the clock, it�s to find that another fifteen minutes
have passed and I sigh. Call me paranoid, but I can�t help feeling a little
worried about Heero. He�s been acting differently too. It�s not an obvious
change or anything, but I�m not sure what to make of it.
I admit, I look up to Heero, I always have. There�s something about him that
draws me to him, somewhat reluctantly. I�ve always had the policy of trust no
one, but somehow he managed to break through my defences just a little. Just
like Quatre did. I remember lending Heero my Gundam for his battle with Zechs in
Antarctica. Although I tried to deny it at the time, I was worried and even a
little afraid for him. I�d seen his �all or nothing� battle style and how
reckless he could be with his own life and I don�t think I was prepared to see
the back of him just yet.
I don�t even know why I care so much about him anyway. At first it made me
angry. All my life I�d never needed anyone, but he changed that. I still don�t
think I *need* him, but at the same time, the thought of him not in my life
makes me feel a twinge of sadness. Another reason I didn�t want to like him, he
made me feel things I�m not supposed to feel. Admiration, fear, concerns.
It�s become easy for me to hide behind my mask of indifference, to act as
though I�m emotionless and cold, but it�s getting harder and harder for me to
keep up that act around Heero. When he looks at me with that penetrating blue
gaze, it�s as though he�s looking right through me, like he�s trying to figure
me out, or worse yet, to see me for whom I really am. That thought frightens me
and excites me at the same time.
Keeping people away, not letting anyone get too close has become a force of
habit. Though if anyone were to break through my defences altogether, I�d want
it to be Heero. Quatre is my best friend, he taught me a lot about trust and
friendship, but there are still huge differences between us. I�ve never told him
much about my past, he doesn�t know that I was a child mercenary. I haven�t told
him partly out of fear that he would be disgusted with the fact that I was a
cold blooded killer even as a small child, that I was murdering people while he
was still playing with his expensive toys. I like Quatre a lot and I don�t want
to scare him away...I don�t want to lose his friendship.
Heero is another matter altogether. I mentioned to him a long time ago a
little about my past because I trusted him not to be upset with me, I knew that
he would understand.
The thought of Heero makes me look at the clock yet again. Almost 9:30. I�d
better go and check on him just in case. I make my way up the stairs and pause
at the door of his room. I knock lightly, not wanting to disturb him if he�s
busy. When I receive no answer, I knock once more and wait a moment before
quietly pushing the door open. It takes a short while for my eyesight to adjust
to the darkness of the room, but I can make out Heero lying on the bed, still
asleep as far as I can tell.
I step closer and see the steady rise and fall if his chest. The sheets are
tangled around his waist and suggest that his sleep hasn�t been peaceful. I
reach down and gently nudge his shoulder. �Heero? Heero, wake up,� I whisper.
Blue eyes open and blink sleepily at me and the next thing I know; I�m slammed
against the wall, his arm pressed against my throat so that I can barely
breathe. Suddenly, he seems to come to and squints at me. �Trowa?�
I�d nod, only he�s cutting off my air supply. He seems to realise this and
quickly releases me. I place a hand to my neck, rubbing the sore muscles. I look
at him and he seems horrified with himself. �Everything okay?� I ask
uncertainly. Suddenly, he whirls around so that his back is to me and his
shoulders are shaking a little.
�I�m sorry,� he says quietly.
�Don�t worry about it,� I tell him. �I should have known better than to wake
you up like that.�
He shrugs, but still doesn�t turn to look at me. �Are you sure you�re
alright?� I move forward and place a hand on his shoulder. �Heero?�
He tenses at my touch and moves away. �Don�t touch me,� he whispers.
�Sorry,� I mutter, feeling a little confused. I watch as he goes back to the
bed and sits down on the edge of it. He avoids my gaze and keeps his eyes fixed
on the floor. �I could make some breakfast if you�re hungry,� I offer. He still
doesn�t speak. I don�t know why I don�t leave him alone like he obviously wants
me to. Instead, I walk over to the bed and kneel at the side of it, trying to
get him to acknowledge my presence. �Heero, what�s wrong?� I query. �Why won�t
you look at me?� Now I know I�ve been around Quatre too long or I would have
never pushed anyone to talk before I met him.
�Nothing�s the matter,� he replies gruffly. �You shouldn�t be here.� He
finally shifts his gaze from the floor just a little to look at me, but he still
avoids my eyes. �Why are you here, Trowa?�
�I...I was worried about you,� I reply, suddenly realising how stupid that
sounds. �I wanted to know if you were alright.�
�I�m fine,� he says quickly and I sigh.
�I know you�re not, Heero,� I say quietly. �Talk to me? Please?�
�I can�t,� he answers and he goes back to looking at the floor.
�Why not?� I press gently.
�Because you shouldn�t be around me. You�re too good, Trowa, I�ll taint you
just by being around you.�
�That�s not true,� I insist, wondering what brought this on. When he doesn�t
reply, I ease myself up on the bed to sit beside him. He glances over at me and
looks panicked at how near I am to him and he scuttles back away from me. It
would be amusing if I weren�t so worried about him.
�Don�t come near me,� he snaps and I can see him shaking. I ignore him and
edge closer to him. He tries to back away again. �I�ll kill you!� he threatens.
�No you won�t,� I argue, reaching out for him. �Heero, just tell me what�s
wrong. Something�s bothering you and I want to know what it is.�
He glares at me and I can tell he�s only acting this way out of defence.
Neither of us says anything for a long time. �Heero?� I prompt.
�Fine,� he spits. �You want to know what�s wrong?� I nod and again, it takes a
while for him to continue. It seems as though he�s contemplating the best way to
get out whatever it is he�s going to say, but he finally shouts out, �Alright!
You want to know that badly? I dreamt about you this morning. Then I jacked off
in the shower thinking about YOU!�
That being said, he buries his face in his hands as if trying to hide. It
takes a moment for what he�s said to sink in. Sure, I�m surprised to hear that
he feels that way about me. I never thought he�d ever like me in that way and I
feel my heart leap in my chest.
�Heero?� I say softly, but he keeps his face hidden. I reach out and touch the
back of one hand.
�Why are you touching me?� he asks, his voice muffled.
�Because I want to,� I reply, my voice a little unsteady. �I�ve wanted to
touch you for a long time.�
He peeks up at me when he hears that statement. �Really?�
�Really,� I answer, gently pulling his hands away so that I can see his face.
�I like you, Heero.�
He stares at me, his expression akin to disbelief. �But...you can�t like me,�
he says sadly.
�Why not?� I question, taking one of his hands in mine. He looks down at our
hands in wonder and I squeeze gently.
�So the fact that I masturbated thinking of you doesn�t disturb you at all?�
he says, starting to get angry once again. �Doesn�t that disgust you?�
I shake my head slowly. �It doesn�t disgust me or disturb me,� I tell him.
�Would it disgust you if I told you that I�d done the same thing?�
Heero�s anger disappears as suddenly as it arrived and he stares at me in
shock. �You...you did that? Thinking about me?�
I nod my head. �Does that make me disgusting too?�
�No,� he whispers. �You know, I wondered if you...while I...� he trails off, a
blush rising in his cheeks. �But it�s bad...isn�t it?�
�Why is it?� I question. �Why is it a bad thing, Heero?�
�Because doctor J told me so,� he murmurs. �He said that I�m not supposed
to...to feel...arousal.� He blushes even more at that last word.
At first I feel confused, but then it all makes sense. �Your training, right?�
He nods miserably and I sigh, moving my index finger to his chin and tipping
it up so that he�ll look at me. �Heero, it isn�t a bad thing, trust me,� I say
firmly. �If it was, people wouldn�t do it. Did it feel good to you?�
He nods again, closing his eyes in embarrassment. �But doctor J said-�
�I don�t care what doctor J said,� I cut in, lightly stroking his cheek. His
eyes fly open when I say that and I place a finger to his lips, shushing him.
�This isn�t like a battle, Heero. I won�t think any less of you for letting me
see your vulnerability; I�m not going to take advantage of that. I want to be
close to you, Heero. I want you to let me in.�
He says nothing. Almost of its own will, my finger gently traces over his
lower lip and I feel him shudder. His eyes slip shut once more and I move my
finger away. He sighs in disappointment, and then gasps in surprise when my
mouth comes to press against his. He tries to pull away, but I move my hand
round to the back of his head so that he can�t move away. I revel in how soft
his lips feel against mine and I�m somewhat surprised when I feel his arms slide
round my neck, holding me to him. When we part, he looks up at me, his eyes
wide.
�I dreamt about this,� he whispers. �I dreamt about you kissing me.�
�And did this live up to your expectations?� I tease, smiling at the blush
that creeps up his cheeks again.
He nods, bringing a trembling finger to my lips, tracing over them like I did
with his. �You smiled in my dream too,� he says softly, not moving his gaze from
my mouth. �I like it when you smile.�
�I never really had much to smile about,� I reply with a slight shrug. �Until
now that is.�
�I make you smile?� he asks breathily.
�Yes,� I say, just as quietly. �You make me smile. You make me want to kiss
you. You make me want to touch you.� I�m aware that my breathing and my heart
rate have quickened and I move closer to him.
�I do that to you?� he asks in amazement and I nod affirmatively. His tongue
darts out to wet his lower lip. �Will you...will you kiss me again?� he
whispers.
�Gladly,� I say to him, letting my own tongue flick over his lips before
touching my mouth to his again. I open his lips with my tongue and he gasps into
my mouth as I explore, letting my tongue touch his, run over his teeth, stroke
the roof of his mouth. Only the need for air makes me break the kiss and I rest
my forehead against his, panting lightly. �Did that feel good?� I question.
�Yes,� he breathes. �God, yes. Do that again.�
I hurry to do so, meeting his lips, probing his mouth with my tongue again.
Slowly, his tongue nudges against mine and I coax it into my mouth before
sucking on it lightly. He moans softly, his hands clenching in my hair.
Tentatively as if afraid that he�ll do something wrong, he begins to explore my
mouth and I let him, my arms moving around his waist as I pull him closer. I
moan into the kiss and press against him, letting him feel my arousal. Suddenly,
he tears himself away from me, breathing hard and watching me cautiously
underneath his bangs. �Heero, what�s wrong?� I ask, confused.
�I...I�m not ready to go any further yet,� he mumbles, picking at the corner
of the blanket. It takes me a few minutes to get my breathing under control
again, but when I do, I move closer to him again, placing a hand on his
shoulder.
�It�s okay,� I tell him when he flinches. �It�s my fault, I shouldn�t have
pushed you.�
�No, it isn�t your fault,� he insists. �I just-� He growls in frustration and
I know how difficult it is for him to articulate his feelings. �It felt so good,
but then I got scared,� he adds softly.
�That�s alright,� I assure him. �We can take this slow. All I want is to be
with you.�
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. �I�m sorry,� he whispers.
�Don�t worry about it,� I reply, letting my own fingers run through his hair,
smoothing down the mussed up strands. �Get washed and dressed, I�ll make you
some breakfast.�
�You�re not angry with me?� he asks.
�Of course not,� I tell him, kissing the top of his head. �Come on, you�ve had
a long enough lie-in,� I tease. I kiss his lips lightly and then stand. �I�ll be
downstairs. See you there.� And with that, I walk out of the room, closing the
door behind me.