| Monday November 29, 2004 I leave for Florida in exactly 40 days. I'm excited, but still a little scared. Well, I wouldn't say scared, persay. I'm more nervous than anything else. I can't wait to try something different, not to mention get out of the cold. I wish Adam wasn't there though. Not that I wouldn't love being near him again, but I'm just so tired of everyone thinking I'm going there just to be close to him. And it didn't really help my situation that he asked the same question. Doesn't anyone believe that I might just want to do something for myself for the simple reasoning that I want to? That, plus so much else is driving me absolutely nuts. I am beyond ready for this semester to be over. I've secured an A in English, Statistics, Creative Writing, and Fitness Center; a B in Latin American History and Sociology, and I have no idea about Chemistry and Physics. I took a test today, which I believe I did pretty well on, but I'll find out for sure by the end of the week. I really hope I can keep my GPA above a 3.5. I need to prove to myself that I can. I'm not doing it for anyone else. This is just about me. I need to start doing more for myself. Too many people are trying to take advantage of me and I need to stop letting them. I'm very down in the dumps right now. Creative Writing is not going well. I honestly wish that I never would have signed up for the class. I thought I was a pretty good writer, but I've come to find that my writing styles leave much to be desired. Short story writing is definately not my forte. I have to have my autobiography done by Monday night, as well as my short story and a poem. Plus, I have to submit at least one work to Prairie Fire, KCC's annual literary publication. I wanted to submit my short story, but it will not be done in time, nor do I think it's worthy. I'm not sure what I'll submit yet, but I'll have to make a decision by Monday. Wednesday November 10, 2004 Geocities has been a little crappy - I swear I've tried to update, but I couldn't. So much has happened. Since my last entry was about leaving Cognis, I suppose I could start there. It's so crazy that in the last month and a half of working there i hated it so much, but in the last couple of days, I didn't want to leave. None of us did. We had all made so many friends and had such a good time. I still keep in contact with Billy and Sarah, and I occasionly see a BUNCH of other people while working at the gas station. Hopefully I'll be there this coming summer. School is going okay I guess. I'm a little stressed by the 21 hours, but I'm dealing with it. And I've made a million new friends. Julie is like my best friend. We have half of our classes together so we get to see each other all the time. We're even going to a Bulls Clippers game this coming Saturday night. It'll be my first NBA game. Wow for me. ?I absolutely love my creative writing class too. I've finally got the motivation to get back to writing. Right now I'm working on a short story. I've got a long, long way to go, but I hope to finish it by the end of the semester (which is about 4 weeks away). Adam's been gone since the beginning of September and I'm really missing his touch. Every time I see two people kiss, I just sink a little bit more. It's hard, but I'm dealing. It's not like I'm never going to see him again either. I'll get to see him mid next month which I'm really looking forward to. (Since I haven't written in this thing for months, I'm fairly sure no one reads anymore so I'm going to be a bit candid). I'm a bit worried that he's going to want to spend all of our time together just having sex. Not that I'm totally opposed to that, but I just want to spend some time in his arms. I miss being held and I really miss waking up next to him. And I miss just seeing him for five minutes and giving him a quick peck and a hug. It probably sounds a little childish, but that's how I feel. And now for my biggest news of all. I applied for an internship at Disney World, and I actually got accepted. I about crapped my pants when I saw my letter and info packet because I was so excited. But it seems like I'm the only person excited for me. Neither of my parents want me to go. They seem to think that if I miss a semester of school and go do this, I'll never come back and get my degree. And they think that I'm going to start drinking and doing drugs. And they, along with everyone else, think that I'm only going down there to be close to Adam. God forbid if I have a dream for myself and want to do something different, something big, something great, something for myself. It just really pisses me off that no one believes in me or my abilities. That's one more reason I want to go - so I can prove myself to others (which is something I really shouldn't have to do). Wednesday August 4, 2004 Only 8 more days of working at Cognis - and that includes today. Yikes. I'm going to miss that income. Even though I didn't see a whole lot of it and I'm probably going to be spending quite a bit of it in the coming weeks. The trip to Chicago is going to cost me some money. Train fare, food, activities, and just general spending. I'm looking forward to going to Dick's and to Lincoln Park Zoo, which is somewhat humerous because I'm wearing my LPZ tee shirt today. Nifty. I sincerely hope people will show up for the softball game Thursday the 19th and I hope it doesn't rain or any of that garbage. I've only had a couple of softball games this season and I want to cry. I hope a couple of people will go bowling Thursday night too. Last time we played 3 games for under $6 so no one should complain about the money issue. And Friday the 20th I'm going shopping in Champaign and dropping a couple hundred dollars. Not to mention that sometime soon I need to get to the KCC bookstore and spend a couple hundred on the 21 credit hours worth of books for this fall. Fun fun. Even though I'm doing nothing in the office this week, it still beats painting by a hundred miles. I should have brought my Avon stuff in so that I could submit my orders here since my Internet at home isn't working yet. I really need to get that going. Pookie, please help me fix it. I've decided too that I need to work on this site. It's been the same for too long and I need more pictures to post. I was just telling Adam yesterday that I want to get a couple of nice pictures of the two of us together before he leaves for school. Plus he's a cutie and I just want some good pictures of him. I like him. How much? Bunches. Monday August 2, 2004 I'm not really sure how to feel anymore. I think my ability to do so is waning. I'm so tired and so stressed and so lonely all the time now. I'm drained, strained, and pained. But that will soon be fixed, I hope. I only have 2 more weeks of this job at Cognis. The 14th I'm heading to Chicago to visit Joy and just chill for a couple of days. Thursday night I want to go out bowling with some friends, if I even have any left. Friday is my 19th birthday and I'm planning on taking a shopping trip to Tuscola and Champaign. I need to find some people to go with first. Maybe I'll call up Erin and see if she'll want to go again this year. It seems we go every year now. I need some new clothes and shoes and et cetera. I just bought the Italian Job last night too. Can't wait til I get it. I really liked that movie when I saw it in the theater and I can't wait to see it and the Mini's again. Since I've never written anything about it here, my new job at the gas station is going fairly well. I think it's kinda funny how they schedule both new people to work together. Yesterday we had a customer who wanted lotto and neither of us knew how to ring her up. It's a good thing one of the former employees was there to show us what to do. I'm only working 15-16 hours a week there, but I'm still clearing $80 a week. Generally I foget I have a check coming so I'm always surprised when I see that extra money on the side. It's a good thing I got this other job so I can pay for all of the Avon I've been buying. Which reminds me, I really need to get my Internet working so I can keep up on my orders. I'm going to buy one of those clocks that projects the time onto the wall. Basically just because I think it's neat (I just used the word neat!) and I need a new alarm clock. Adam leaves soon and I don't know what I'm going to get him yet. I have a few things in mind, but they really aren't very sentimental. But I don't think he cares about that. I've tried it before and it didn't seem to go over so well. We shall see how it goes. My dad is continuing to ask me what I want for my birthday. Whatever I tell him what would be nice, he just laughs it off and says 'That isn't much of a birthday gift.' It may not be a great gift, but it is handy. I think it would be a nice gift to have a gift certificate to the mall or to Wal-Mart or something, or a gas card, or my phone bill paid for a month or two. I don't really want or need any material things right now. I told my mom to get me some shampoo cause I'm almost out. I don't see why that is so laughable. I think my parents just don't understand that I'm not as spoiled as my brothers. Thursday July 29, 2004 Damn. It's been a while. I should work on that. Sunday June 13, 2004 FLASH FLOOD WARNING: BEWARE OF HORMONES Yesterday I watched the video for Martina McBride's "Independence Day" and the flood began. Now I'm listening to Evanescence's "My Immortal" and the flood waters rise. It probably doesn't help that I had a spat with Adam not long ago. I hate not being able to call him up and chat like nothing, or to go over and watch a movie with him. I just wish that he would tell me that he cared about me. And maybe showed it. All I wanted him to do is tell me that he wanted to spend time with me. Just to hear that it was what he wanted. Maybe I overreacted, but I'm just a little emotional. PMS sucks. Saturday June 12, 2004 I've been having dreams lately that have been scaring me so badly. I don't know what I would do if these dreams actually played out. Last night I had this dream again and it was so real that it woke me up. I was glad to see that he was still there and it was only just a dream. Hopefully it's just stress and frustrations which are causing this dreams, but I pray they stop. This is a fear I just don't want to have to deal with. Ever. Tuesday June 8, 2004 Work is hot. I am burnt. Right now it is 88 degrees inside my house and I have a killer migrane. Argh. Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. First off, I think I'm going to take a weeks vacation the week before I start school. Just go lay out on a beach and chill for a while. Need to lose some weight first. I'm getting excessively large and I really don't like it. I think I have made another decision as well. In regards to the question I had before, my answer is yes. I do want it and it is important to me. However, I do not know where I will find it. On a completely different note, I started my speech class tonight. I know no one in the class which may be a fantastic break for me. I've always found it easier to speak my inner thoughts and feeling to strangers. I guess it's because I know that even though they may judge me, they will never be around to insult me or make me feel horrible. I have my first speech due Thursday. I have it half planned out already. We have to bring in a bag with three items inside. One representing the past, one the present, and one for the future. For the past, I am planning on bringing in Nellie and talking about how she was and in some cases still is my security blanket. For the present I am planning on showing my hard hat. It shows the person I am now and the person I will be for the rest of the summer. I know this job is just what I do, not who I am. I'm not sure yet what I should put in my bag to symbolize my future. Possibly because my future is just so unclear. Saturday June 5, 2004 Work is going well. I enjoy the company of my co-workers and the work really isn't all that bad. Two days of working in direct contact with pure acetone has left a couple senses dazed, but I don't think the effects will be long lasting. I was upset that I didn't receive a paycheck Friday, but I suppose I will just have to wait another two weeks to get paid. Oh well. I will survive like I always do. I think I am part cockroach or something. I can't be rid of. I'm drowning once again. Or at least feel to be. All I wanted all night was just a nice long hug with no noise or outside anything. But I couldn't even get that. I don't ask for much, rarely anything. Is it so bad to want a freaking hug? Yes, it would be nice to have someone who would wipe away my tears (which I seldom have anymore) and make a special time for me, but I don't ask for it. It is not a necessity to me. As of late, I don't even feel it necessary to talk to him everyday. Seeing him I can do without for a couple of days also, but I'm confused on this point as well. Ashley can go for weeks without talking or seeing her boyfriend, but it doesn't matter to either of them because that is their love. They know that one day they will be able to spend every waking moment together and so on. Me? I don't have that. Yes, I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him, but as of late, it seems like a chore to him to call me. And it seems to take all the effort in the world for him to want to see me. Other than for his uses, which I have less and less of a problem with each day. It has begun to be a great stress reliever for me. And I have a lot of stress. It seems like no matter what I do, I cannot please anyone. Maybe I should just throw myself out the window and just be someone else. Then I could just mold myself to fit the personality that everyone wants me to be. I am nothing. I can't state how I feel any better than that. Three words can sum up my entire existence. I. Am. Nothing. Saturday May 29, 2004 I just finished my first week of work. I was a little weary about going, about meeting and working with a bunch of new people, about working in an environment I was anything but familiar with, and about the smells of the factory. But it turned out pretty well. ???Seven college kids were hired, including me and we all have nicknames now, except for Dan. Steve - Scrum, Tom - Peter (Pubes), Katie - Pits (YSP), Sarah - Spider Woman (SW), Ashley - Squirts, and I am Spoons. We don't hardly know each other by any other name. We have a lot of fun there too, probably just because we had no supervisor for the week and we kinda just did whatever we wanted to do - including taking several hour long breaks. Yesterday after work, I went up to Mattesson to pick up my new notebook pc. After hooking up the wireless high speed cable Internet, you can't get me off the computer. I woke up at about 9 this morning and it's 6:30 now. I haven't shut the thing off yet. I love just being able to have access to the net and to my friends whenever I want it. I love the mobility of my pc too. Total cost of the pc and the thumb drive came to an exact $1200 that I owe my dad. Thus far I have paid him $60. I have $410 in rebates though, so really I only owe him another $730. Three and a half weeks pay, so it will probably take me two months to pay him back. It's just a good thing that he isn't really worried about it. I love having a job and being able to pay for things again. Hopefully I'll be responsible and save some of it and not spend it all like I did last year. I think the pc was the only big thing that I needed to buy, so I shouldn't be spending much more on anything else. Just my cell phone bill, gasoline, and little piddly things that don't really count (but I guess they do add up). Adam seems to be happy about my personality change this week. The girls at work just bring it out of me I guess. They just put me in such a good mood which makes me act a little crazier and a little more out there. They just give me energy and I guess you could call it spunk. It should prove to be an interesting summer. I start my speech class in two weeks. I'm not really looking forward to that. I'm tired enough after work now, I don't want to spend my whole day and work and my whole night at school. Well, Tuesday and Thursday nights at school anyway. I'm trying to talk Lynn into taking it with me since she has to take it anyway. We shall see how it goes. Saturday May 22, 2004 My life is so weird. Just when I think I've figured it out, something happens to change my mind once again. What to do, what to do? I have no clue anymore. I guess I will just leave things to fate right now. What is meant to be will be no matter what I do, and so be it. Yesterday I started my new diet. It went well. But what I don't understand is why the people who have always called me fat, when they find out about my diet, they start telling me that I'm not fat, and start ridiculing me about it. It doesn't make sense. It kind of bothers me. Well, what can I do? Nothing I do seems to make anyone happy. I'm always in a bad mood or I'm always cranky or I'm always mad. Who's to say what I am but me? You think you know me, but you don't. No one knows me. No one really tries to know me. They say they do, but they don't want to let any bad in with what little good I have. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, but that is who I am. I'm not going to take on a false persona just to make a few peoples lives a little less stressful or whatever. If anyone who said they cared about me actually did, they would just take me for who I am. I'm not asking anyone to love me, because I've pretty much given up on love. I've gone so long without it, I don't think I would know what to do with it if someone actually loved me. I used to be loved, but that didn't work out. Why I've been thinking about that so much lately, I don't know. It's not like I want that relationship back or anything, because I know for a fact that it just wasn't meant to be. There were a lot more signs pointing to no than one. Even if I wanted that back, I couldn't have it. We've both moved on. And it's not like I'm going to find love in the relationship I'm in now. Too many things are holding him back, I guess. Either that, or my heart has hardened to a point that I just won't let anyone love me. Or maybe it's both. What do I care about love anyway? What is love? Apparently I don't know. Ever time I think I fall in love, I just get burned. (Yes burned not burnt.) Maybe I should just become a hooker. At least then I would make money. Did I mention I feel like a bit of a slut. Sleeping around, without the around, and without love. Sometimes I feel so worthless. Like I'm not meant to do anything great in my life. Like I'm just meant to be a pawn. Something that doesn't matter to anyone or anything. Times like these are the reason I hate myself so much. Wednesday April 21, 2004 Been almost a month since I've written anything in my journal. Maybe it's just the fact that I want my thoughts private. Maybe it's because I don't know my thoughts. Maybe a little of column A, a little of column B. Anyway, I've officially registered for classes Fall 04. 21 credit hours. Yikes. $1310 plus books. I need a job. I was hoping on getting a summer job at Cognis with dad for $9/hr, but since the tornado yesterday took out a good chunk of the place, I may not get the opportunity for that money. Speaking of money, I just bought Keith Urban's 'Golden Road' which I must say is phantasmagorical. I like it quite a bit. Especially 'You'll Think of Me' and 'You're Not My God.' Cubbies have been doing well. I'm trying to get the courage up to call Hazel and see if she'd like to watch the games with me. I just don't know if I can do it though. Too many painful memories. Story of my life. I'm so confused. So alone. So dead inside. I've been trying really hard not to show my pain, but I think it's beginning to seep through. I'm not sure how to deal anymore. I'm so tired of the people closest to me making me feel so down about myself. I can't wait until I can get away and start fresh. I want to know what it's like out there in the real world. But I'm so scared. I never used to be so dependent; I don't know what changed it all. Hopefully when I leave, I can make a semi-clean break for this small town world. I want to be somebody. I don't want to be a nobody in a one stop town. But how can I make a difference? I think that is one of my biggest problems as of late. I'm afraid to get out of my shell and fly. We shall see. Sunday March 28, 2004 So it's been a while since I've written anything. I can't really say that I've been too busy, just haven't felt like it. I've started to use Xanga as my main journal. I like the feedback - guilty as charged, sorry. Anywho, things with Adam are going okay. It's nice to be together, but who knows how long it will last this time. Hopefully it will. I'm doing what I can do but fate is fate and no matter what I do, I can't fight it. I don't know what my/our fate is, but I will deal regardless, what other choice do I have? Predestination can kick my ass anyday. Yesterday, well technically it was about 2:00 this morning, I was watching some movie with Marissa Tomei (whom I love as an actress - she's so funny) and I was struck with inspiration. Let me set up the scene. Marissa's character went to Italy to seek out her true love, her fate. Apparently when she was a child she was playing with a Ouija Board and it spelled out a man's name - supposedly her knight in shinning armour. Well, while in Italy she meets a man who says he is her dream man. They go out on the town - they're walking down a cobbled street where a man is playing the saxaphone and a gypsy is selling roses. The man buys her a long stem red rose and while listening to the sax, they begin to dance in the moonlight. It was so romantic. I was so overcome with emotions and memories I just started scribbling down thoughts which are displayed on my page if you wish to see them. Basically I began to remember prom night and everything that happened. I was so enveloped that I could remember everything down to the last detail. I could smell and taste and feel everything as I felt it that night. I just closed my eyes and got rid of all the distractions around me and relived the night. Magical I tell ya. Wow. I don't think I've slept that well in a long time. My mom has been overly nice this weekend too. Saturday we went shopping and she bought me some new shirts which was awesome. Then today we had to go to Pearle and get eye exams and glasses and she was being all groovy again. I'm wondering if I have some sort of terminal illness that my parents haven't told me about. Geesh. Anywho, she told me today that Lonestar is gonna be playing the Kentland fair July 12 and that I can go for like 25 bucks. I'm stoked to go! Anywho, that's about all of my info. Chao chao. Thursday March 18, 2004 I've really surprised myself today. I'm not as depressed as I though I should/would be. Maybe its because this is what I wanted/needed, but why did it have to come now? Why couldn't it have waited just a bit longer? Oh well. So far the only thing that I've really missed is my morning phone call. This morning while getting ready I kept checking, hoping, wondering. But nothing. Figures. Maybe it'll be different in a couple of days. Lets hope not! It was quite comical in my health class today though. We've started our sex discussions. Kinda interesting. Kinda strange. But it's ok. I learned something that may save me some heartache about Matt today. But no big. I'll cope. Better to know now than later. I really have no reason to stay here anymore. I wish I was done with KCC so I could get out of this area already. Move forward instead of in a circle. I need a change. I long for one. Maybe this is the start I've been looking for to push me off of my track. Who knows. The Greeks may have had something going with that whole predestination thing. Oh, I can hear the gods laughing now. Not that I believe in gods, but you know. I don't remember who I was telling, but I said something like 'somebody must really want me to enjoy my afterlife, cause he's giving me all the pain I need to appreciate the eternal kingdom!' Makes me giggle. Ok - me done now. Check my xanga. Chao Chao. Wednesday March 17, 2004 Happy St. Patrick's Day and happy birthday to my mothers father and his sister. No, he is not my grandfather. Anywho, what am I gonna do for SPRING BREAK! I have 12 days off, and only plans for one of those days. I've kinda got plans to either go to Six Flags St. Louis or camping. But I don't think anyone is too interested in going.??? We'll see I guess. Maybe if that doesn't happen, I'll go spend some time with my other friends that I haven't seen in a while. I just know that I don't want to stay home and do nothing, I do that enough now. Sunday March 14, 2004 Some people just piss me off the little punks....grrr. Anywho, someone told me something today that couldn't be more true...GET OVER IT. They're right. And I'm sorry. On that note...bye bye for journal now - me gonna make new webpages! Me fail English? That's unpossible! (As I stated in my blog - ......can't......stop......quoting......) www.geocities.com/erinsync85/new Saturday March 13, 2004 Happy birthday to Jill (who probably won't read this, but whatever). So the last couple of days have been ok I guess. Things could be worse, right? Went out to eat af Fazzoli's last night. Wasn't bad, but wasn't all that great. I'm really looking forward to ice skating tonight though. It's gonna be me (whoa - flashback to nsync days), Kendra, Joy, Adam, Jake, and Matt. Should be interesting enough. Joy and I are the only people who have ever done it before, and we've each only gone once. Hopefully there won't be a lot of people there. Last time it was a little crowded and a person nearly got run over when they fell. Maybe it won't be so bad since it's kinda started to warm up, and it is one of the last days that they're open. Let's pray that I don't fall and hurt any body parts this time around. On to other news. News, what a joke! Anywavy, (yes anywaVy) I need to start feeling better soon. Too many ick days are not healthy - literally. Plus I need to get past my fears and worries and all that mumbo-jumbo. Yeah, I'm really upset that someone's gonna be leaving soon. I've been attempting not to think about it, but it just keeps coming up in conversations everywhere lately. The worst part is, I don't think he's gonna miss me or even think about me. Unless he's alone that is. I think what bothers me most is that he'll be thinking about someone else. It is just jealousy? Or do I have reason to feel this way? I don't know, but either way, I can't seem to get past it no matter what I do. She's the one my conclusions always jump to, even why they have no backing. But I just can't seem to stop myself from thinking that way. I don't know what I should do. I wish I could just forget everything and move on, but that is impossible. Feelings are too strong for that, on my end anyway. Exeunt. Tuesday March 9, 2004 'Down day' number two. I don't know what the problem is, but i've been feeling so isolated and alone lately. I think the big problem is that I feel so far away from everyone. I don't know if it's because I'm driving people away, or if it's just been a crappy couple of days. Regardless, things suck right now. I really want to just fast-forward to EIU. I need to get away from everything and start over. I think there are a couple of ties I need to sever, but I just don't know how. It's so hard to lose a friend that you love, but what can you do when they make you so crazy? I just don't know what to do anymore. As someone more than once told me 'everything you know is wrong' and as much as I hate to say it, they just may be right. Monday March 8, 2004 I don't know why, but I'm just having a really 'down day.' Things were good for a bit, but now everything is just 'blah.' I need a vacation. Oh, speaking of that, why do I have to be the one to make ALL of the Sprink Break plans? Can't anyone else make any decisions? My God, nobody can even decide if they want to go. I feel like everything I do is just a waste of my time and energy. But I know whatever plan I come up with, someone is gonna have a problem with it and start in on me. Argh. But anyway, I've spent the entire morning trying to find hotels at the cheapest prices and best locations and I'm trying to make the itinerary work. I almost wonder why I bother. It's a two freakin day trip. So that means I need to find something else to do for the other ten days of my vacation because I most certainly don't want to stay at home. Then again, there is the issue of money. I don't have a lot of it ya know, but I just can't stand to spend the entire vacation at home with my parents and brothers who just HAVE to come home. What the hell is that all about. If I lived in my own apartment, I wouldn't come home to spend spring break with my parents, I would be out or at least have a party or something. The world sucks, but I guess we'd all fall off if it didn't. Tuesday March 2, 2004 Let the good times roll..... *insert smilin Erin here* Sunday February 29, 2004 What a georgeous day. Too bad I didn't get to spend any of it outside. For one, my ankle is still a little tender and for two, I had way too much homework to do. So instead, I just opened the windows and sat inside. Not a bad day. Plus I finally got to spend some time with someone when he wasn't asleep :) which was nice. But as I've said, I'm feeling so far away from him lately. I know he's tired a lot and I can understand it completely. But he just seems to be losing interest in everything. In fear of being hurt, I'm starting to push myself away from him. It's something I don't want to do, but I can't seem to control it. I don't know what to do anymore. He seems to be pushing away from me too. Or maybe I'm just making it all up. Who knows anymore... Saturday February 28, 2004 Skating was ghetto fab and I'm planning on going back up on the 14th...you can go to www.xanga.com/erinsync85 to read more about the trip. Anywho, what's on my mind now is the fact that a certain someone says that he wishes people could just give him a reminder every now and then, just to show that someone cares. Why is it a one way street? Traffic should be moving in both directions. Everyone needs to feel loved and cared about. It's one of lifes major priorities some say. A lot of the time, I don't feel either loved or cared about, but does anyone try to make me feel better? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I'm not being selfish - I'm not asking everyone to shower me with affection, I'm just saying that not everyone can have everything they want, especially if they're not willing to return the favor. That is all. Friday February 27, 2004 Woke up drained again today. But then I starting thinking about the days events waiting for me. Adam was coming over in about an hour and at about 2:30 I would take off for Chicago...yay! So everything after waking up has been good. Granted it's only 10:15 and things could change, but I'm going to try to not let anything get me down. I took a shower and while I did so, somebody fell asleep and has not gotten up since. So I'm letting him sleep for a while. I practiced my guard routine and finshed choreographing the ending. Hopefully everybody will be able to learn it by next Saturday. It's not complicated, it's just a four count right side row with a bow leading into a four count right side spin toss landing in a cradle. Easy as pie. So now I'm killing time looking at websites, posting journals, getting some Avon work done, and basicaly just piddling around. I'm so excited (and scared) about tonight. For one, I get to fulfill a life-long dream, I get to spend some time with a friend I rarely see these days (we're both so busy) and I get to see a friend from Chicago that I haven't seen in a while (although we talk on the tele all the time). I'm scared that I'm going to injure myself and not be able to be in the guard next Saturday though. I actually hadn't thought about that until just now. What would I do if I sprained an ankle, or hurt my wrist? There's no way that I would be able to participate. But even those thoughts aren't gonna stop me from going tonight and having a good time. I've been looking forward to this for so long and nothing is gonna stand in my way! One thing that's really been bothering me lately is the fact that people don't understand me. They think they do, but really they have no idea. When I say something, they take it as meaning something else, usually something negative. I really hate that. It drives me nuts. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought that my friends knew how much they mean to me and that I would do almost anything for them (almost meaning that I probably wouldn't drink motor oil for them) if they needed me to. But that idea just doesn't get through to my friends. They don't see that I love them and care for them more than anything else in the world. I don't know how to get my point across. I thought it was enough to be there for them when they needed someone to talk to. To give them a hug when they really needed one. And to tell them that I loved them and that they mean more to me than ANYTHING. I guess my efforts have be futile. I'll try harder. But please everyone, don't give up on me... Wednesday February 25, 2004 So much crap so little time. Things had been going well until I saw something that just eats me up inside. It's been going on for a while, but I was dealing, getting past it. I'm beginning to believe now that there is no hope and that I should just give up. But the feelings inside prevent me from doing so. Sometimes I wish that I could feel no emotion, that I could no longer be the victim. That day will never come. I fear that I will always bear the wrath that surrounds me. Maybe it is of my own doing and I deserve it. All of my sins have turned against me to turn me into a slave. I read a quote today dealing with said issue: 'dependency is slavery by mutual agreement' and I couldn't agree more. I am a slave in this world and I will never be allowed to purchase my freedom. I will be forever condemned to walk in the land of the barren. These days I look forward to little. Granted I am very excited about going ice skating Friday, but that is a momentary release from the pain of living. My goal in life is to die young. Whether that is His plan I will not know until the time comes, but I can only hope. I have no real goals in my life - no real ambitions. I feel that I am wasting space. Those who 'love' me love others more and would be just as content without me in their lives. I wish that my faith would allow me to take my own life, but again, I am a prisoner. (I know I am not strong enough to do so anyway - ie past attempts would not have just been attempts.) Often times I find myself hoping that a passing car will blow a tire and send me on to my fate. Oh sweet release...how I long for you..... Sunday February 22, 2004 So I wake up this morning and am getting ready to go to my uncle's house when I notice that it is freakin gorgeous outside. So I put on my tee and step outside and almost die! Totally not Feb weather, but I ain't complainin. Anywho, I stick in my Jimmy Eat World album and on the drive home I decide that its totally a ROAD TRIP DAY! So I call up Kendra and Manda and we decide to go up to Fazolli's to get some smoothies. We're nuts I know - driving an hour for smoothies, but it was fun. ???Anyway so I got home and like 10 minutes later Adam calls and asks me to come over. So of course I do cause I like my boy that much. How much, you ask? Well I'll tell ya. <-------------------------------------------this much----------------------------------------------------> So? I go over there for a while then come back home. Went through some crap, but it's better now. Gotta go...talk more later. Saturday February 21, 2004 Today has been one of those lazy days. I was planning on going somewhere with a friend, but that fell through, so instead I started working on some homework. I got tired of that so I started some laundry. I've basically done nothing since. In a way it's nice to not have anything to do, but at the same time I'm kinda bored. Oh! I got good news today! My dad found a job for me so I'll be making a couple bucks next weekend...YAY! It's a good thing cause fuel prices will be rising, and I need to make up for that crazy purchase last night. I bought about $80 worth of cd's and movies and I only have about $20 right now. Plus I have a phone bill coming up. At least it's on my credit card and I won't get a bill for a while still. Maybe it won't be so bad. I'm looking forward to listening to my new Nickleback cd. I've been wanting it for a while, along with Meteora and Fallen, but I couldn't get those at the moment. So instead I got the Liz Phair ('Why Can't I?') and Kelly Clarkson (I like the 'Miss Independent' song). I also bought 'Gattaca' on dvd. I've been wanting it for a bit so I thought, why not. I also got 'American Wedding' and something else. I don't remember at the moment. I suppose this means that I need to have a movie night soon. I'll let you know when it'll be. By the way, does anyone know what the new(ish) Lifehouse cd is called? I can't remember for the life of me. It's got 'Spin' if that helps. That's all for now. Maybe I'll post later tonight if any major events occur. Chao. Friday February 20, 2004 Happy half-birthday to me! Just think, in six more months, I'll turn 19. Then a year after that will be my golden birthday. Yay me. Anywho, this morning was great, I got up early (after a horrible nights sleep, but that's another story) watched my shows and worked out for a couple of hours. I found an awesome website today too. www.changingshape.com is full of nutritional and fitness tips and such. I found it by doing a search on how to perform a series of exercises. It has pictures and lots of ideas of fun fitness stuff. If you're interested in that sort of thing, I strongly encourage you to check it out! A bit after that I went to Adam's house. We got ready to go and headed into town. That's when things started to get rough. Don't get me wrong, things with Adam were fine, he wasn't the cause of the 'roughness'. We went into Suncoast when three big black guys started messing with me. I don't know why, but it really bothered me. Usually I would just shrug that sort of thing off, but lately things have just been getting to me. Well, we finally got out of Suncoast and were headed down to EB. I suppose it would actually be headed 'up' to EB, but whatever. I take a small detour to the lady's room and when I come out, guess who's there. The same three guys who were messing with me before. So they say their piece and I get out of there. By this time I'm really upset by the whole ordeal and I just want to go home and hide under the covers. But instead, Adam and I go out to eat and he ends up making me feel a lot better and I almost forget that the whole thing happened. But it just pisses me off that people have to act that way. Some people just have no conscience I guess. What is the world coming to? There is also a question I've been pondering, on a completely different topic. ?I know that there are thousands of sperm banks in the country with millions of donors. But do they have any problem with donating if they see it as the possibility of having a child out there somewhere that they'll never know about? I only ask because I have recently received information about egg donation and the questions have been coming up. I'm not sure if I like the idea of an extension of me being in the world if it's not my own, ya know? But at the same time, there are so many people out there who are trying to have children and can't, and maybe I could help. And also, what is the liklihood that my egg would actually be chosen? If you have any thoughts, please contact me, either through email or my chatterbox. Thursday February 19, 2004 First of all I would like to say that I'm really tired because I haven't been sleeping well. I have had so much on my mind that I just can't shut it off in order to get a nights rest. What's been on my mind? Well let me tell ya. I seem to be just one big screw up. No matter what I say or do, the effects are always negative. It usually starts off as everything is ok, but just give it a couple of days and it all turns to shit. Lately it seems like everyone is taking what I say to mean other things (and I'm not talking about just any one person in particular). I made (what I thought to be) a harmless remark to one person who took it as an attack on his personal character. Then there is another person who takes everything I say and twists it into some big drama about his own life. Yet another person who doesn't have time for anyone because she just tries to make everyone happy. Sometimes I wonder about her. She tries so hard to please everyone else. Something that I think would make me nuts. But unless I'm missing something, she's completly fine. Maybe the problem is me. I'm the one with the relationship issues. I don't have many friends, have very few acquaintances, and have so much male counterpart trouble. I know part of it is due to the fact that I don't know what a real relationship is and how it works because I never saw one growing up. But I also know that my problems are MY problems. Like I stated in my xanga journal, the best thing for everyone around me to do is to sever all ties with me. When you see me, don't say hello. Don't ever talk to me again, and just avoid all contact whatsoever. Maybe then I won't bring you down with me. I would also like to apologize to everyone for being such a fuck up. If you don't forgive me, then screw us both because I'm really beginning to not care anymore. Goodbye for now. I have to go back to my hellish life. Tuesday February 17, 2004 Things really suck. Y'all know that right. I'm broke, alone, depressed, and bored. Things just plain suck. I'm tired of my father blaming his problems on me. He's like an alcoholic, without the alcohol. I'm tired of my mother always butting into my business and trying to act like she knows everything. I'm tired of myself mostly. I feel so useless. Is it so selfish to want to be something or somebody? To want to have someone look up to me, to want to be like me? I don't want to be a nothing in this world any longer. I need a drive. I need something to satisfy me. But what? What is out there for me to find and how do I find it? When will I know when I've reached my destination? How do I know when I've found my purpose? On my other site www.xanga.com/erinsync85, I posted the question to all viewers of what my hobbies and skills are. I have yet to get a single response. If any of you could help me out, please do so. I'm not looking for gratitude, I'm looking for myself. I'm trying to find my interests and since I can't seem to do it alone, I'm reaching out to those around me. I'm learning that I'm really interested in literature. But at the same time, I'm not at the intellectual level I feel I need to be at in order to lead good discussions about said literature (speaking of future times in teaching). I really enjoy reading and I like discussing literature and novels and short stories and all that good stuff, but I have no one who talks to me (other than my lit class which I rarely feel comfortable enough to participate in) and the one person I used to talk to about novels has moved and we've basically lost contact. It seems that all of my friends are not into literature or reading so I can't go to them. I feel as if my one hobby is wasted. So please, if you can think of anything I may be good at that I can't think of myself, please tell me. For my own personal benefit I would like to know. Thursay February 12, 2004 Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Not much new has been happening. I've joined forces once again with the guard for a St Patty's day parade in St. Charles which I hope will be fun and interesting. Did you know that my moms father and aunt (twins) were born on St. Patty's day and his name is Patrick and her name is Patricia (both of whom go by the name Pat)? Also, in the beginning of March I get to go to the Oriental Institute...I'm really looking forward to that. I get to go up to Chi-Town on the 27th to go ice skating...I'm counting the days, which reminds me, someone still owes me money! Come-on Who....leave Who2 alone for a minute and gimme my money! By the way...I have a new website now.... www.xanga.com/erinsync85 Saturday February 7, 2004 I'm really tired, so I'm gonna make this kinda short. Today was good. Good things happened. Not a bad thing did, to me anyway. I'm sure somewhere in the world, someone was tortured and killed for their teeth. But I don't care and neither should you. Anywho, Mom turned 50, and she actually liked the card I got her, better than the gift even. Dad ?crashed the computer, but somehow restored it with only a few minor glitches. I lost Java and therefor lost my ability to work on the site, but I dl'd an updated version which had its own glitches, but I'm a super genius so I fixed it. I even dusted off the webcam and took some funny pix...they'll be up later. In short, everything's peachy and I'm going to bed. Friday February 6, 2004 Somebody please kill me. You'd be doing the whole fucking world a favor. Why do I keep putting myself through such hell? Just when I think things may be ok, that I might be able to get over things and start over and just be happy... So he calls me up and asks me to come over and watch a movie, he sounds tired, but then again, he always does. I have nothing better to do, and it sounds like a better evening then I had planned, so I say ok. I bring Road to Perdition to watch, I'd never seen it and I had heard good things. So I get over and we pop it in. Within five minutes, he's asleep. He says he hasn't sleep in quite a while, so I stop trying to wake him up. Well, the movie ends and I wake him up and tell him. He's still pretty drowsy so I start playing around with him, asking him questions and all. He's not even speaking English, which I usually find funny until I ask him what my name is. What does he say? TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS! Why do I even try to stay close with him. It seems that no matter what I do I'm just going to get hurt over and over and over again. I hate this so much. I want to hate him, but I just can't. And that pisses me off so much. Why can't I get a god damned break? Just once? Why does everything in my life have to turn to shit? When is it my turn to be happy? Thursday February 5, 2004 Sorry about yesterday's missing post, but I was somehow struck with the flu...ick. I realized yesterday that my Tuesday post was incorrect. I do have friends that care. But only a few. Anywho, I'm feeling a bit better now, especially since I missed my first three classes, but I have to go to school for a seminar at 4 then class at 6, but it shouldn't be too bad. With all the hoopla about Valentines Day coming up, I'm getting kinda sad. Granted I've only had a Valentine once, and the day really doesn't mean anything special to me, it still would be nice to have a Valentine. Oh well. I suppose there are other more important things in the world, right? My mom turnes 50 on Saturday, can you believe it? And on V-Day, my parents have their, let's see, 23 anniversary? Something like that anyway. I wonder how that's gonna turn out. Not that I really care, but you know... I don't really have time to add anything else, I have to get my homework done for tonight, and I only have another 90 minutes to get it done and get ready to leave for school tonight. So I bid you farewell and good day! Later Tuesday February 3, 2004 I think I really do hate my father. He blames me for everything bad that happens in his life and it is really starting to piss me off. I don't know how much more shit in my life I can take. He yells at me and blames me because the car that sits in our driveway keeps getting a flat tire. Somehow he makes it out to be my fault and orders me to take it in to get fixed. So I do. A few weeks later, it's my fault that the tire still won't hold air so he forces me to take it back in to get fixed. Well, today I took the God forsaken tire in. They said that they probably wouldn't get to it today so I left and they were to call when it was ready. Well, they didn't call today, but while I was in town with Adam, my father called and told me that if I knew what was good for me that I would pick up the damn thing and get it home. Fine you bastard! So I pick it up and bring it home. Then he gets mad at me because it's dark outside and he doesn't want to go out there to put the tire back on the car. Like it's my fault that the sun sets! He's yelling at me now that he's not gonna be able to get the tire on before work in the morning and it's my fault if the sale is blown. What kind of father .....grrr....I think it's best for me to not even finish that sentence. I'm so pissed off with him right now I honestly feel like I could pummel someone... In addition to that, I realize that that my friends are few to none. The only "good" thing that happened today (after my first post) is that I broke things off with Adam and it went really well. If things keep up with how they were this afternoon, we may find that we are much better friends than anything else. I can talk to him. He understands me better than any of my other "friends" and he listens to me. I went to his house today at 3:30 and I didn't get home until a half hour ago (10:00ish). I almost feel as if he is my only friend. To those who think they are my friends: With everything that has been going on in my life as of late, I have begun to realize that if you were my real friends, you would have been there for me. Most of you, when I tried talking to you, just changed the subject and didn't even try to help me. I feel kinda shafted. Whenever any of you have needed me, I have always been there. You know I would drop anything to help you in your time of need...but why can't you do the same for me? Why are your problems the only ones that are of importance? I'm sorry if I've offended any of you, but you've done the same to me. So let's just call it even and start being real friends. Tuesday February 3, 2004 Ok...so today was a pretty decent day. I took a psych test and probably did pretty well. And I got my health test back and found that I had gotten a 106%. Not too bad for not studying. Then I went to F&F for my dad, where the people now know me by name, to drop off a tire, and made my way home. Once home, my day has started to get worse. I read a very disturbing post from my friend, whom I'm very worried about now (she better be ok now!) and I read another disturbing post from said male in life. I don't know what it means, but I need to talk to him now. I think I've made a decision. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to him before he reads this. I want my "relationship" with him to be over. I don't feel loved or cared about, and I really need that in my life right now. I really wish that things would have worked out between us because of the strong feelings that I have for him, but I guess it is better for us both this way. I can start another search for someone to love me, and he can go back to his other girl. The major problem I am now faced with is that of friendship. I want badly to remain his friend and to still hang out with him, but I don't know if it is possible. I fear that whenever I see him I will long to hold him and have him hold me. But what is a girl to do? Despite my longings, I think the best thing for me to do is to remain friends with him. I would hate hating my first for the rest of my life. But that is not soley the reason I wish to remain friends, I really care about him and I want to be able to talk to him about things and I want him to be able to talk to me about things. Plus, I want him to help me fix my puter ;) I guess that is all about that subject. Please respond in my chatterbox or thru email. Later Monday February 2, 2004 Ok, I think I need to scream some more. I have so many emotions raging through my body right now, mainly RAGE! Ay yi yi what to do, what to do, what to do. Any ideas anyone? I am now accepting cash donations for my Get the Hell Away From Illinois Fund. Any offers? I thought not. It figures that no one would care. I should have known. Suddenly the image of someone popped into my mind. Kinda cool. I'm not sure if I want to spill the beans about this person yet, maybe some other time. {Here's a hint, this person is in two of my classes...} But at least now I'm feeling a little more calm. So on a scale from 1 (calm) -100 (raging), I'm down to a 784! Yay me! (yes, that is sarcasm) Monday February 2, 2004 Do you ever feel just like screaming until you can't breathe anymore and your lungs feel like they are just giong to pop and fall out of your chest? Well, today has been one of those days. I don't really know why everything was horrible today, but it most certainly was. My rib started hurting today worst than it has in a long time, that's probably what started it all. But oh well...who really cares anyway? Ok...any comments about this...please post to my chatterbox or email me. I really would like some advice/comments/feedback of some sort. About this guy...I have feelings for him that I don't believe I will ever have for anyone else. Not to say that I will never/have never loved anyone else, I'm just saying that these feelings are one of a kind. Half of the time, he is the sweetest person I know who makes me laugh and feel all warm and gooey inside. I love being with him and I have a great time. The other half of the time, he is a total jerk who treates me like garbage, who uses me, and doesn't appreciate me for anything other than a sex toy. With that said, it seems like my choice is clear, right? But why is it so hard to make a final decision? I think a large part of my problem is that I don't want to be alone, I guess you could say that I fear it. But I also don't want to be depressed and sad and alone around others when I feel like I could have so much more. Please tell me what I should do. I really need advice on this subject. I've been doing a lot of thinking about spring break plans. I'm so fed up with everyone expecting me to come up with the perfect plan, and then when I don't, they all hate me and continually bring it up. But whenever I ask anyone for their input, they have no ideas anyway. I think what I really need to do is just move to Australia and get some real friends who don't treat me like this. I hate Illinois so much. I hate everything about my life here and I just want, no NEED, to get away. But I'm stuck here. This is my punishment. For what, I'm not sure. Sunday February 1, 2004 Yesterday was once again a great day. My Avon business has started to take off a bit, and that excites me. The more I sell, the more money I make. The more money I make, the less I have to worry about paying my bills. Always a good thing. Also, I spent a few great hours with Adam. The Green Mile is such a good movie. I just wish I hadn't missed the end of it (I fell asleep!) Anywho, things are going well. I'm very happy for my dear friend Joy. She has finally found someone to make her feel all warm and gooey inside (please don't take that wrong). I'm very excited for her and wish her the best. Congrats chica! On the other hand, I'm a little bit worried about another friend of mine. For confidentiality purposes, I won't mention her name, but she best not go against my advice. Lest she get her comeupins! Anywho, I guess thats about all the information I have to share. 'Til the next time....Liz Saturday January 31, 2004 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. I spent nearly 18 hours with Adam. We just goofed off and had a lot of fun. We even went out to eat at Bakers Square...yum. If this is a sign of things to come, maybe I'll be a little stressed out. I've been doing a little thinking about something Adam and I talked about yesterday. We were talking about dreams and I told him of how I often have dreams in which my friends die, one in particular. Adam says that I have these dreams because I have no outlet for the frustrations towards said friend. I never actually kill that friend, but Adam says that is because I fear the repercussions. The more I think about it, the more I think he's right. Latley I've been working a lot on my website. I hope to one day branch it out into something a little more. I'm not sure what I want it to turn into, but I'll figure that out when the time comes I guess. But for now, just check out my new pages. My journal, my poetry, and my chatterbox. Thursday January 29, 2004 So here's my question. If you love somebody, but they love someone else, should you fight? My answer to that question is yes. But MY question is different. This person that I "love" loves someone that I most certainly don't. In the past when he and I dated, this person came into play. It seems that no matter what I do, or try to do, she's always going to be there. My question for you....What would you do in my situation? I know that I really, really like this guy, but is the fight worth fighting if I'm more than likely going to get hurt by the two of them again? I really don't know anymore. Why did things have to get so complicated? Class is starting....Gotta go..... Wednesday January 28, 2004 Ok, I just woke up, like, 15 minutes ago. Already this day sucks. Last night Adam and I talked for a while and I just can't stop thinking about everything. When I finally stopped thinking about him for long enough to drift off, I drempt about him. My dream was nothing special, we were just at my house and we fell asleep in each other's arms. I thought I was getting over him, getting used to being alone. But I still think about him all the time. Last night I told him that I missed him. I'm not sure if that was a mistake or not. I want so bad that it hurts to be held by him. But at the same time, I don't want it back. Thinking about the past, I don't know what was real and what wasn't. How am I to know that when we were together he was thinking about me, or if it was someone else? I won't fight her. One thing he doesn't understand is that while he's chasing his first love, so am I. Tuesday January 27, 2004 Everyone always says that things could be worse...but what do they know? For the last several years, things have been moving in a downward spiral for me. Every so often there will be a break from the pain, but then it comes back even worse than before. Lately I've been so lost in a sea of despair...and for those of you who know me, you know I can't swim. For the past few days I've been so miserable I can't even stand to be around myself. I want to be around my friends but at the same time I don't. Nothing against my friends, but they just aren't helpful to me now. I've crossed into a dimension that they can't enter. I am utterly alone and will continue to be so. I feel that there is no hope for me whatsoever. I took a test today in my psychology class on life purpose. Scores can range from 0-140, 140 being that the individual sees a lot of purpose in their life. 80% of poeple my age who took this test scored between 100-120. You know what I scored? A freakin' 54! What does that tell you? Christians say that by reading the Bible, one will find purpose. I've read it and I've still got nothing. I've asked myself a lot of questions lately. I have found little to no answers. But what I have realized is that my life is pointless. I have no drive to complete my goals, and really I don't even have goals. I have no interests. So really I ask myself, "What am I doing living? Why am I taking up space on this earth? What is the point!?" I guess that's all for now. I've really just made myself more depressed than I was before. Later....Liz |
| WELCOME TO MY WORLD... |
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| First and foremost - this journal is for me to have, not for you. You can read it if you'd like, but don't expect me to cover things up just because you don't want to hear it. |