'You've cracked.'
Maybe I have. But that doesn't matter. Not on the road with the wind whipping through my hair. What a feeling. What a freedom.
There is one thought on my mind right now. What is Ashley thinking about?
She's been sitting next to me for hours and has still not spoken a single word. Even her normal complaints about my speed have not made themselves heard.
As I push the accelerator down and urge the car to speeds too fast for the road I'm on, I sneak a glance at her face from the corner of my eye.
To my surprise she is smiling lightly.
'Why is she smiling?' I think, perplexed. That was certainly not the face that I had expected to see. An expressionless one, an enraged one maybe, but definitly not a smiling one.
But I don't feel like worrying about it right now so I push the thought aside and set my mind free.
I doubt there was any dinner eaten at my place tonight. I doubt dad's even home. Not that it matters any more. I've pretty much stopped caring.
Sounds pretty hopeless, I know, but what else am I supposed to do? Go sit down on the couch for an hour and spill my guts to the stupid therapist I was forced to see in 9th grade? No thank you. I've had enough of my parents' interference in my life, good or bad, to dwell on issues concerning them.
Time to live my own life I think. Time to be myself without having to constantly please my mother, who hates the person I want to be.
Maybe I could move out or something...
Abruptly I swerved over to the dirt shoulder of the road and looked at Ashley who had barely moved in the sudden stop. I reached over and turned the radio off.
"Why are you smiling?" I asked.
"Because I've finally understood why you like driving so much."
I shrugged. "It's relaxing."
"It's more than that," she said softly. "It's an escape. I can tell just by looking at you that you never want to go back there. You just can't leave your life behind and drive forever you know. I can't say I blame you. Your mom is against everything you stand for - free spirit, rebellion, individuality, homosexuality. Your father is never home to be the role model he used to be. And that brother of yours? He's the exact opposite of you. Against what you do but all for getting you in trouble."
Captivated by her passionate words, I listened intently as Ashley pulled all the thoughts I had refused to admit I had out from the deepest recesses of my mind and told me them.
"When you drive," she said, placing a hand on my right one, which was still clenching the steering wheel, "you turn off reality for however long it takes to sort out your thoughts. It's hard to go back home because you never get the chance to think. All you ever have time to do is act. You've got a lot to think about, but in my honest opinion, if you dwell on your past too long you'll wind up hurting yourself."
Surprised, I blinked. How does she know I think about my past?
"Dana, listen to me. You think it's helping but it's also hurting. You sit here feeling sorry for yourself and then you go home. If that's not depression, I don't know what is."
"What are you saying?"
"Don't think so much, you've got the rest of your life to do that." Ashley paused. A moment later she continued with, "And don't dwell on the past. Remember it, but don't let it consume you."
"Fair enough," I muttered. "I supposed the next thing you're going to tell me is that I have to go home."
Ashley nodded gravely. "Your mom expects you to leave and not come back. You can't let her win."
"Of course not." I pulled out onto the road and began driving much slower than before. "Want to spend the night?"
"Love too."
I smiled gamely and waited for Ashley to turn her head before I let the grin vanish and a frown take its place.
Go back home? Could I ever call it a home?
That's the last thing I want to do - return to the oppression that's slowly choking me.
But I really have no other choice. For years I have refused charity offers for sanctuary from my friends and their parents and I won't stop no. I don't have enough money to buy my own place or support myself, but I do have a well paying job.
Basically I'm stuck here for another year.
I suppose if it doesn't kill me I'll have become one of the most resilient people in the world. Could be useful someday...
I sighed a barely audible sigh and began to head for home, purposely taking the longest way home, dreading the scene I would find, especially with Ashley tagging along for the night.
With that in mind, I mentally mapped out an extra long way home.
chapter 5