Every once in a while, people tell me I have lost it completely, but I can take solace that the following messages sent to me over the past few months prove that I am not alone! I have removed all references to who sent the messages, but left the dates for a chronological perspective. Some of these messages are a hoot!
Are you are "stay sharp" knife Stanely???
Dear Mr Ewing,
As an avid reader of your regular adventures with Stanley, I have begun to worry about the plight of this poor little steak knife. He is often portrayed as a lonely steak knife - an image which does not promote an extremely happy future for either Stanley or readers......
I firmly believe that the time has come to find young Stanley a companion....steak knife or other.......and plead with you to rectify this seemingly miserable situation confronting poor Stanley...before it is too late.....
Please give the love and affection which can only be gained by Stanley!!!!!
We love you Stanley!!!!!!!!!!!
SLIP THAT SHARP POINT RIGHT IN STANLEY OOH OOH I LOVE IT
Ok, fill my mailbox up with more crap like that. See if I care.
In article <[email protected]> you write:
.o > THE ALL-NEW ADVENTURES OF STANLEY THE STEAK KNIFE
Steak knives are indeed a most loving companion on cold winter nights , and as I feed undereducated in the steak knike culture , I would like to know more about stanley and his family / friends / eating habits.
I have changed my subject header to what you asked and expect to see some wonderful stries about stanleys life. (Is there any relation to the story "The All-New adventures of Steak the Stanley Knife?" by Pete Knutsford?)
... where's Edwena the spatula?
Dear Stanley,
We would love to hear all about your adventures. As avid fans, we would certainly appreciate a mention in your thrilling and enthralling story. Do take care to stay away from steel wool.
Yours sincerely,
P.S. Do you go to discos?
DON'T GET ME WRONG PAUL, YOU'RE HILARIOUS, THAT WAS NOT A CANCELLATION OF MY SUBSCRIPTION!!!
I STILL LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS A STEAK KNIFE DEVOUTEE!
BY THE WAY, IF GETTING OUT MORE OFTEN MEANS LESS OF STANLEY, I BEG OF YOU TO STAY HOME (OR UNI AS THE CASE MAY BE! I HOPE YOU'RE NOT A "BOFFIN" HEAVEN FORBID.)
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COW?
LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING MORE OF STANLEY'S ADVENTURES.
ALL THE BEST.
Dear Stanley,
Stanley, the Stainless Steal Stud of Steak Knifedom, is quickly becoming a popular if not mediocre hero here in the Pacific Northwest. I am hoping that you will E-mail a regular weekly copy to my nephew cause he's always taking the ones I leave in my bathro... er... Library... yeah, library, that's it.
P.S. I noticed a handsome set of bonehandled steak knives for sale at a local "yard sale" here locally. I asked them if they knew Stanley but they refused to talk to me. It seems they hated humans as well, Especially the ones that sell steak knives in yard sales. It was so humiliating. Good luck to you,Stanley,.... and stay away from yard sales.
PP.SS. (?) (Say hello to Sally) ;^)
Dear Paul,
Having had my first personal steak knife experience earlier this morning I must say that it was most pleasurable. Although I was initiallly a little apprehensive over the effect that Stanley would have on me, (I'm quite immpressionable at times) I am glad to report that it was very positive. Stanley put me in such a good mood that I skipped my morning lectures and had an early lunch instead, leaving me very satisfied, if not entirely sober.
Keep 'em coming,
G.
Dear Stanley,
As two devoted readers of you illustrious adventures, we sympathise with you at the sudden loss of your regular root, Sally. If you find yourself feeling just a little lonely, late at night, when you're all alone in a big empty kitchen drawer and you long for that electric touch of cold steel along your serrated edge, we could introduce you to our good buddy Sarah the Seductive Sabre, who is also especially fond of maiming humans (or at least beating the crap out of them). Of course if you'd like to take a walk on the wild side, there's always our other good buddy, Percy the Penetrating Pool Cue, who has seen us through many a lonely night. The final decision is up to you, since they are your adventures, but we think these two personalities would enrich your lifestyle in a way that your normal kitchen environment could not hope to match.
STEAK KNIFE ME!
My steak knives live in the drawer across from the dishwasher. I believe they are shy, because I don't know any of their names. I do believe they go for walks; sometimes they are gone for days, and when they return, they are often tired and dull.
#####, landlord of a few steak knives.
So, is this the original Sally, or are the salad tongs a new set out to seduce poor innocent Stanley?
See you around.
All Stories by Paul Ewing 1995
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