_____Quotes (Taglines) 2

Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
"The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat."
--Lily Tomlin.
"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!"
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
--Woody Allen
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce."
--Don Quinn.
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.".
"The decision is maybe and that's final!"
"Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.".
"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.".
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
--Seinfeld.
"It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.".
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.".
The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
"We are the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever sucked!"
- Homer Simpson.
She is not old … just well marinated.
-Heinlein.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met..
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely..
The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator!.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program..
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due..
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts..
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity..
Death is like God's way of saying, your table is ready.
Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N)
If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Who were the beta-testers for Preparations A through G?
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
You’ll never have a nervous breakdown, but you sure are a carrier!
Protect your bagels, put lox on them.
When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?
Definition of gun control: use both hands.
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, then why do they abduct the dumbest people on earth ??
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear..
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a disjointed pinocchio.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die!
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles..
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem..
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?.
I am not weird, it's just that everyone else is..
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed!.
If crimefighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?.
When it comes to your health, I recommend frequent doses of that rare commodity among Americans—common sense.
When you are down and out something always turns up—and it is usually the noses of your friends.
A diplomat’s life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man. - Lana Turner
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
- Abba Eban
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.


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