Spring Fever
1
Golf was invented by the
Dutch in an effort to
make the Scotch forget
bagpipes.
2
But today we find the
American--first in war,
first in peace and first
on the course in the
morning.
3
Mr. Waters, who occasionally
neglected golf long enough
to run the Northwestern
Shipping Co.
4
"Sufferin' niblicks!
A hole in one!"
5
"Gentlemen--as Colonel
Lindbergh said on a
similar occasion --"
6
"My darling wife! I don't
know what I'd do without
you!"
7
"Call me in my study,
dear -- when breakfast
is ready."
8
"Get out! You're driving
me mad!"
9
But Mr. Waters wasn't
the only golf "bug" --
the Municipal Course
was alive with 'em.
10
"You're number 72.
You might get off by
noon, if you're lucky."
11
Jack Kelly, who neglected
golf only long enough to
work for Mr. Waters as
shipping clerk.
12
"Where's the other member
of your foursome?"
13
"I'd be pleased to join
you folks. Let's go!"
14
"Some drive! But you're
in a sand trap."
15
"I'll get a birdie on
this hole."
16
"What's a birdie?"
17
"It's a thing that makes
wise birds turn cuckoo."
18
"What is he digging
for?"
19
"If you'll postpone your
excavating for a while,
I'll get my ball out of
your way."
20
"This is no laughing
matter, you poor sap!"
21
"FORE!"
22
"If I had time I'd show
you folks how to sink
a long one."
23
"Gee, Pa - lay off those
heavy boxes! You're
no Dempsey."
24
"The boss has been
hollerin' for you - an'
he's mad as blazes."
25
"Listen, Pa -- if the old
herring gets too fresh
I'll quit -- then where
will he be?"
26
"You're fired!"
27
"I saw you do that!"
28
"My boy, it was a delight
to the eye!"
29
"What a rosy place this
world would be if I
could hit a golf ball
like that!"
30
"If you're off your game,
boss - just break down
and confess everything
to me."
31
"I'm slicing, Kelly - can't
keep the darned pill
out of the woods!"
32
"I'll be glad to straighten
you out - - any time
you say."
33
"Show me that swing of
yours, will you, Kelly?"
34
"You should be a golf
professional. Why are
you wasting your time
working for me?"
35
"Because I like you, boss --
you're a commercial genius -
your winning personality has
made me stay here!"
36
"That's what I call the
answer to a squirrel's
prayer."
37
"Where do you think
your little boy is going
to spend his vacation?"
38
"That's what I got for
spending two mornings
teaching the boss a few
smart things about
golf."
39
"My chauffeur will drive
you to the Club in the
morning, Kelly."
40
"Fine! Send the car
with that horn that
sneers at people."
41
"Pipe down! Can't you
see what's coming off
here?"
42
"That's no way to
handle my favorite
spoon!"
43
"That little club is almost
human. It's the best
friend I've got in the
world."
44
"I didn't mean that, Pa.
You know who's my
best pal."
45
The Oakmont Country Club
- a castle of leisure designed
to keep the idle rich busy.
46
"Well, if it isn't Miss
Monte!"
47
"Don't tell me you don't
remember me -- --
Jack Kelly."
48
"I'm in the shipping business
-- my family came from a
long line of peers."
49
"Wasn't it at Mary
Brown's party?"
50
"I knew you would
remember!"
51
"I never heard of
Mary Brown!"
52
The wealthy Widow
Lomsdon had married
in haste and repented
at Reno.
53
Eustace Tewksbury was
born in London and had
been in a fog ever since.
54
Harry Johnson, the club
champion -- devoted to
golf and Allie Monte.
55
"Hello, Blondy!"
56
"Well, it's lucky I came
along. We'll just make
it a foursome."
57
"Not a bad shot for
a girl."
58
"FORE!"
59
"These golf novices
shatter my nerves."
60
"Ever see this little
nerve exhibition?"
61
"I'm sorry -- honest --
that's the first time
I ever hit anybody on
the links."
62
"You folks go right ahead
with your foursome --
I'll follow you."
63
"You'll slice if you grip
your club that way!"
64
"You're not jealous,
are you?"
65
"Isn't he the cleverest
thing!"
66
"You're not jealous,
are you?"
67
"This is a cinch. You
should get on the
green in one."
68
In a few days everybody
was convinced that when
Kelly grasped a golf club
it became a magic wand.
69
"That guy don't like me.
I wonder why?"
70
"He's the club champion.
I suppose he's afraid you
might beat his record."
71
"You mean he likes
you - and he's afraid
I'll beat his time."
72
"I'm crazy about this
spoon. How much
will you take for it?"
73
"She's my little sweetheart
-- the truest little pal in
the world -- -- and they
don't make enough dough
to buy her!"
74
"How do I look?"
75
"You look like a million
right from the mint!"
76
"Oh, I'd love to have
you teach me that
swing!"
77
"How've you been --
if any?"
78
"Allie, I'm sorry -- --
please let me explain!"
79
"I can see you in there,
Allie! Why don't you
answer me?"
80
"Won't oo let oo ittle
boy friend make upsie
wiv oo?"
81
"Can you beat it? I can't
get into my own room?"
82
"It isn't my room at all!
Isn't that odd?"
83
"Yoo -- hoo!"
84
"Go back! You'll break
your neck!"
85
"I just ran over to ask
your forgiveness."
86
"You're so beautiful I feel
like I'm wasting my time
when I'm not looking at
you."
87
"You must go! You
don't realize what
you are doing."
88
"What would you do if
I closed my window?"
89
"I'd take a fall - and
you'd feel terribly
hurt."
90
"I'm gonna hang around
here until you forgive
me."
91
"Good night -- I had
a lovely evening."
92
"If Kelly wins this hole,
Johnson's sunk -- they
won't have to finish
the round."
93
"That boy's my nephew."
94
"Aren't you simply wild
about Mr. Kelly?"
95
"That silly bounder is
enough to make anyone
wild!"
96
"That's my nephew!"
97
"Why don't you finish the
eighteen holes? You
stand a chance of beating
the course record."
98
The last hole.
99
"Not much chance. He
has to make it in two
to beat the record."
100
"Looks like this will take
some of the ego out of
him."
101
"He hasn't made his
second stroke yet,
Harry."
102
"Well, your nephew is
jolly well done for
now!"
103
"Gimme my sweetheart."
104
"Spoon?"
105
"He's my nephew!"
106
"Speech! Speech!"
107
"This reminds me of
Bobby Jones - who is
a good golfer, too."
108
"Gee, Pa, what did you
come up here for?"
109
"I heard about you
winning the tourney,
and I came up to tell
you how proud I am."
110
"I just thought I'd call
for Jack. His vacation
is over today."
111
"Let him stay tonight.
I'll take him with me
in the morning."
112
"I'm not going back --
get me?"
113
"I'm going to stay right
here and play golf!"
114
"But, Jack -- this is a rich
man's place. You haven't
any money!"
115
"No? Well, I'll get some
money!"
116
"There are plenty of
rich girls here who
are crazy about me!"
117
"I'm going to marry
money!"
118
"Kelly, I'm surprised
at you - and darn
disappointed!"
119
"Some day you'll meet the
girl you really love. Then
what will you do?"
120
"Where is Allie Monte?"
121
"You go on home, Kelly
- I'll take care of that
young man."
122
"You'll never get away
with that scheme in
this club. I'll tell them
who you are!"
123
"Go ahead and tell 'em --
uncle!"
124
"Allie, I've got something
important to say to you."
125
"You seem worried, Allie.
What's the matter?"
126
"Everybody is bound to
know it sooner or later
-- so I may as well tell
you."
127
"My father has lost all
his money."
128
"That's a terrible thing
-- awful!"
129
"It's sweet of you to
sympathize with father."
130
"Believe me, Allie -- I feel
as if I'd lost it myself!"
131
"What are you going
to do now?"
132
"There's only one thing
a girl like me can do -
marry for money."
133
"Allie, I'm surprised
at you - and darn
disappointed!"
134
"Some day you'll meet
the fellow you really
love. Then what will
you do?"
135
"I don't know, Jack.
Have you forgotten
what you wanted to
say to me?"
136
"We're all going over to
my house for cocktails."
137
"This sure is a sweet-
running little boat. I'll
bet it set you back a
nice piece of change."
138
"I have twelve others.
You see, I'm ghastly
rich and I buy them
just to help the auto
salesmen."
139
"Well, Kelly -- it's your
turn to congratulate
me."
140
"Allie has promised to
marry me!"
141
"I once knew two girls
who had a double
wedding. Wasn't that
romantic?"
142
"Y-y-yes. It saves time."
143
"Step right up, boys,
and kiss the bride!"
144
"What do you mean by
neglecting me for that
Kelly person?"
145
"You never close your
mouth long enough for
anybody to see who
you are!"
146
"Uncle!"
147
"I'm going home, boss.
You'll find me in
the shipping room
tomorrow morning."
148
"I'm not going to marry
for money. I thought
I was the whole maple
forest, but I'm only
the sap."
149
"There's just one person
I want to tell the truth
to -- then I'll beat it."
150
"Allie -- I --"
151
"Allie -- I --"
152
"You can't marry him,
Allie! You - you don't
love him!"
153
"It's me you love!
I know it -- you
know it!"
154
"If it's money you want,
I've got it, Allie - more
than Johnson ever
dreamed of having!"
155
"But I can't, Jack --
I've promised him!"
156
"You're going to marry
me --"
157
"-- today -- now!"
158
"When is it coming
off, Harry?"
159
"Well, I guess I'll let
Allie fix the date."
160
"Oh, Jack -- isn't this
lovely? We're right
on the rocks!"
161
"Darling, isn't that yacht
beautiful? Do you think
we can afford one?"
162
"Y-y-yes, dear. Put it
down on your shopping
list."
163
"I almost forgot. I want
to send a telegram."
164
"Dearest Daddy: Have
just married Jack
Kelly, millionaire
shipping man --"
165
"If you need anything,
just wire us."
166
"Why, Jack dear - -
you've got a lonely
little gray hair!"
167
"It won't be lonely
long."
168
"You've been working
too hard. From now
on we're going to live
on your income and
play golf."
169
"Y-e-e-s. I'm practically
retired now."
170
"Let's unpack our
things."
171
"Er - um - sh - shall
I turn out the lights?"
172
"Don't you think you'd
better pull down the
shades?"
173
"What's your father
like? Is he in the
shipping business
too?"
174
"Yeah - he handles
a lot of big stuff."
175
"Jack dear, would you
mind living at the
Ritz this year instead
of opening a town
house?"
176
"No, I wouldn't
mind."
177
"You don't know what
a relief it is not to
have to worry about
money."
178
"Yeah -- it must be."
179
"Whatever did I do
with my nightgown?"
180
"Search me!"
181
"Want me to turn
on the light?"
182
"Don't you dare!"
183
"I've found it!"
184
"Thank goodness!"
185
"How would you like to
spend our honeymoon
abroad?"
186
"Just dandy."
187
"I'll turn on the light
now, dear, if you are
ready."
188
"I'm ready."
189
"Allie, I love you too
much. I've deceived
you and I can't go
through with it!"
190
"Have you got another
wife -- or something?"
191
"I lied to you. I haven't
any money - I'm nothing
but a shipping clerk!"
192
"Mr. Waters isn't my
uncle -- I just work
for him."
193
"I suppose you thought
it was clever to deceive
me!"
194
"Allie - I - I was so crazy
about you I just couldn't
help it."
195
"Please leave me --
I'd like to be alone."
196
"Wait a minute -- don't
order me out!"
197
"Mr. Kelly, I command you
to leave this room!"
198
"Mrs. Kelly, you couldn't
dynamite me out of
this room!"
199
"I suppose you are the
kind of person who
would take advantage
of a situation like this."
200
"Allie, if you'll just give
me a chance -- -- I'll
make good for you!"
201
"I saw him leaving, Allie.
I'm glad you got rid of
that cad!"
202
"Well, niece, didn't I tell
you that good-for-nothing
wanted to marry you for
your money?"
203
"On the contrary, Uncle
David, he thought I didn't
have any."
204
"Anyway, we can have
this marriage annulled
- and no harm done."
205
"Not for anything in
the world! He's my
husband!"
206
"That young scamp
always did want to
be my nephew!"
207
"For Mrs. Kelly."
208
"Please -- I want to
be alone."
209
"This is the last hole,
and Jack's got him on
the run!"
210
"That boy is my nephew."
211
"He's my son!"
212
"He couldn't help that,
but he picked me for
his uncle!"
The End
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