The Smart Set

1
Polo was originated by 
British Army officers in
India....but the helmets
were made popular
by Street Cleaners in
    America --

2
No International Polo Team 
was complete without the
aristocratic Van Burens....
so now it was up to Tommy 
Van Buren to win a place 
on the American Polo Team.

3
"Call Mr. J. Thomas
 Van Buren's car."

4
"Will you come peacefully, 
 sir, or go home in the 
       usual way?"

5
A dry morning after
   a wet night.

6
"You must quit biting
 me, sir! I can't explain
     to my wife!"

7
"I insist on seeing him
 first, Mother! You're
     too excited!"

8
"What the devil did I
   do last night?"

9
"Why didn't you tell me?
 You knew I'd find out."

10
"Well, you see, Dad, it
 was like this....I didn't
 know she was married."

11
"I'm proud of you, my
 boy! You're a real
    Van Buren!"

12
"I wasn't going to play
 at first....but I knew
 Coolidge would be sore
     if I didn't."

13
"It's an honor, my son,
 to play on the Big Four."

14
"They had to have me....
 and after we've practiced
 today I'll be The Four
 Horsemen of the team."

15
"You'll have to exercise
 now, dear....to keep in
      condition."

16
Many a man has lost
his heart in traffic.... 
and wound up with a 
mother-in-law in the 
  "grumble seat".

17
"What do you think this
 is....New Year's Eve?"

18
"You can't park in front
 of a fire-plug, lady."

19
"I didn't know you were
 expecting a fire today."

20
"What a beautiful
     figure!"

21
"Yes....a neck like
      a swan."

22
"I don't know....I never
    necked a swan."

23
"If you don't stop bothering
 me, I shall call the salesman!"

24
"Could I interest you
 in some silk hose....
 five dollars a front
       foot."

25
"I don't wear them!"

26
"Pardon me....did you drop
   this handkerchief?"

27
"Every time I use it....
  I'll think of you."

28
"The handkerchief you just
 picked up is twenty-five
    dollars, please."

29
"Don't argue with me!
 I get that at home!"

30
"Put her in my car, Officer....
   and I'll pinch her."

31
"YOU HERE AGAIN!"

32
"Young feller, this will
 cost you fifty bucks....
 or ten days in escrow!"

33
"He looks desperate, Officer!
     May I help you?"

34
"I'll see you in court
  tomorrow morning."

35
"Thanks, Officer! You
 must come and see
   me sometime."

36
"Move over! Your exhaust
  pipe is choking me!"

37
"Can I depend upon that?"

38
"Pardon me, I thought
     I knew you!"

39
"Thank heavens, you weren't
     a bosom friend!"

40
"HEY!"

41
"Are you trying to
    kill me?"

42
"Did any man ever tell
 you that you were a
     nice girl?"

43
"Yes....why?"

44
"Because men are such
    awful liars."

45
"-- as captain of the team,
 Nelson, you'll have to tell
 Durant we're putting another
    man in his position."

46
"It was Durant's hard playing
 that brought the cup back
        to America."

47
"Durant isn't the same
 player today, so we must
 think of the team....
  not the individual."

48
"I'm sorry, Durant....
 but the committee is
 putting young Van
 Buren in your place."

49
"I don't blame them,
 Nelson....age can't
 compete with youth."

50
"It's wonderful to see you
 again, Polly. I've missed
      you so much."

51
"I came out to see you
 practice today, Dad."

52
"I'm not riding today, 
 Honey. They've put
 up a younger man."

53
"I'd like to see the man
 who's supposed to be
 a better player than
       you!"

54
"There he is....over there."

55
"With Lindbergh in the air
 and me on the team....
 America has a lot to be
    thankful for."

56
"We must congratulate
         him."

57
"I'm glad you're with us,
 Tommy....but Durant
 had his heart set on
 playing in the big
      games."

58
"That old pussy-foot was
 playing polo when The
 Iron Horse was a colt."

59
"I was just telling the
 boys you're a great
  judge of colts."

60
"Since your groom left,
 I can't keep this kid
  away from Pronto."

61
"Do you know, sonny...
 I couldn't play polo
 without this pony."

62
"Gee, mister, I know he's 
 great. I've watched him
 grow up from a little baby."

63
"Sonny, if you like Pronto
 that well, you can be his
          groom."

64
"Quit squawkin'.... and be
 glad you've got a star
     on the team!"

65
"Don't forget the name....
 J. Thomas Van Buren....
 America's gift to polo!"

66
"Aren't you ever going
 to quit grandstanding?"

67
"If the Prince of Wales
 could do that stunt....
 they'd make him King!"

68
"Center the ball,
     Tommy!"

69
"Pass the ball, Tommy!"

70
"Don't you think Tommy
 is the most gorgeous
 creature on four legs?"

71
"Don't you know there
 are three other men
   on this team?"

72
"If there are....they're
  keeping it a secret."

73
"That's Durant's daughter.
 She just returned from
        college."

74
"Nelson is giving a dinner
    for them tonight."

75
"Mr. Durant, I wish
 you'd teach me that
 great back-hand
 stroke of yours."

76
"How about having dinner
 with me tonight....so we
   can talk it over?"

77
"Sorry, Tommy, but I'm
 dining at the club with
    Nelson tonight."

78
"Thanks, awfully....I'll
 be delighted to come."

79
"May I present Tommy
    Van Buren?"

80
"I have already met the
      gentleman!"

81
"Oh, yes....we've bumped
 into each other lots of
        times."

82
In Brooklyn they call sausage,
"salami"....at the Polo Club
they call it "pate de foies
gras". But any way you
slice it....it's still "boloney".

83
"Put me where I can
 eat in peace....away
 from this thundering
       herd!"

84
"It serves you right
 for treating me like
  a tiddle-de-wink."

85
"I'm afraid to talk to
 you now....Nelson is
   crazy about you."

86
"I'm awfully glad I
 wasn't born in 
    Russia."

87
"Why?"

88
"Because I can't speak
       Russian."

89
"Polly, may I have this
        dance?"

90
"Give me my shoe!"

91
"I will....for a dance."

92
"All right, I'll agree to
      your terms."

93
"You can't dance
 without shoes."

94
"You'll dance....or I'll
 carry you around the
 floor on my shoulder!"

95
"Would you mind dancing
 on your own feet for a 
        change?"

96
"For stepping on my foot,
 I'm going to kiss you."

97
"If you do, I'll scream!"

98
"I....I saw a mouse!"

99
"But I heard three 
     screams!"

100
"It was a mother mouse
 and two little mouses."

101
"That's a ridiculous alibi,
 Polly. You know there
  are no mice here."

102
"Nevertheless....a mouse
 is a mouse and I'm
 going to stick to it!"

103
"And tomorrow night, little
 children, we'll tell you the
 story of Little Red Riding
 Hood and the Three Bears."

104
"Don't make a scene,
      Nelson."

105
"Hey, Nelson!"

106
"Please, Polly! Polly,
 forgive me! Polly,
  pretty Polly --"

107 [full text unveiled one line at a time:]
"Polly want a cracker?
    Pretty Polly!
 Polly want a cracker?"

108
"Sufferin' cockatoos!
 Find another roost!"

109
"Polly bite."

110
"Remember, you promised to
  drive with both hands."

111
"Give me a kiss....just
 to show you appreciate
    my friendship."

112
"Let me show you a little
 trick I learned in college."

113
"To think....after a hundred
 road campaigns I have to
       walk home!"

114
"Wh-O-O-o!"

115
"Me! Whoinell do you
   think I mean?"

116
The next morning, the
team was out for
their last practice
game before the big
     series.

117
"It's after ten o'clock
 and we've received no
   word from Tommy."

118
"I accept the nomination....
   and I choose to run."

119
"Change your clothes!
 After practice I'm going
 to have a talk with 
        you!"

120
"Cheer up, Captain....
 and little Tommy will
 give you a polo lesson."

121
"Play polo today, Tommy!
 Forget your conceit!"

122
"Don't cross, Tommy!
   I've got it!"

123
"Why didn't you keep
   your position?"

124
"If you'd quit riding me,
 maybe you could ride
     your horse!"

125
"Your reckless riding is
 endangering the lives
 of the other players!"

126
"We can't win, Tommy
 ....unless we have
     team-work."

127
"I quit before you cry-babies
 accuse me of stealing your
       milk bottles."

128
"Bye-bye, little children!
 Don't forget to put out
 the clock and wind 
      the cat!"

129
"Don't quit, Mr. Tommy!
 It'll break Pronto's
        heart!"

130
"Tomorrow those birds
 will be begging me to
 come back. They can't
   win without me."

131
"Surely you're not quitting,
 with the international
   matches so near."

132
"Don't stall, Nelson! You
 rode me off the team so
 you could put Durant
        back!"

133
"You know Polly is crazy
 about me....and this is
 your way of getting even."

134
"You're through with polo....
 and I'm through with you!"

135
"I'm going to sell Pronto
 and every pony in your 
         stable!"

136
"I know I'm in disgrace, 
 Polly....but won't you
 give me a chance to
    talk to you?"

137
"I'm sorry, but there's
 nothing you have to
 say that interests me."

138
"You're the most wonderful
 girl in the world....and I
        love you!"

139
"You're too conceited 
 to love anyone....
  but yourself!"

140
"What am I offered for
 Pronto....the greatest
 polo pony in the world?"

141
"One thousand dollars!"

142
"Pronto's such a wonderful
 horse, Daddy! Please buy
      him for me!"

143
"Eleven hundred!"

144
"Here's three thousand
 dollars. I sold your car
 and pawned your cuff
        links!"

145
"I borrowed your father's
 watch, sir....and sold it
   for fifty dollars."

146
"C'mon, gentlemen....
 make a real bid for this
    wonder horse!"

147
"Eleven hundred and
      fifty!"

148
"Twelve hundred!"

149
"Three thousand and
  fifty dollars!"

150
"I've changed my mind,
 Daddy...I'd rather have 
      a new car."

151
"Three thousand and
  fifty....once!"

152
"Three thousand and
  fifty....twice!"

153
"Four thousand!"

154
"Please, Daddy! Don't let
 Pronto fall into the hands
     of a stranger."

155
"Five thousand!"

156
"Take good care of
 Pronto....he's the
 best pal I ever had."

157
"I'll watch over him,
 Mr. Tommy....like a
      father."

158
"I lost my ring somewhere.
  Let's look for it."

159
The night before the last 
and deciding game of the 
 international matches.

160
"Nothin' can stop those
 British now! They're
 a cinch to win the
      series."

161
"My boss and Pronto
 could beat 'em single-
       handed!"

162
"Polly, I've been waiting
 for a chance to tell you
  how much I love you."

163
"Nelson, you're the finest
 man I know but I don't
 love you....that way."

164
"WHERE'S PRONTO?"

165
"He ran into the fire
   toward the back
      stalls!"

166
"Some stableman rode
 him out....and was
   thrown off."

167
"Don't let them know
 I got Pronto out!
 They'd think I was still
    grandstanding."

168
The third game of the
series....with England a
decided favorite to win
the cup from America.

169
"If Tommy were only
 playing, this would be
 the happiest day of
     my life."

170
"I'm sure glad they ran
 that swell-headed Van
 Buren off the team."

171
"Why am dem extinguished
 lookin' gentlemen wearin'
 towels around dere heads?"

172
"Can dey help it if dey
 all is got headaches?"

173
"Is your father riding
    Pronto today?"

174
"No, he says Pronto's just
 like you....you've both
     been spoiled."

175
"I guess we're both on
    the blacklist."

176
"You have no one to
 blame but yourself, 
       Tommy."

177
"I know that....now."

178
"The British team is now
 riding in for the last and
     deciding game!"

179
"The American team
 is entering the field."

180
"Hooray fo' America! Long
    live Uncle Sammy!"

181
"Play your old game,
 Durant, and we'll win."

182
"Mr. Durant sent
 Pronto back to
   the farm."

183
"-- the eighth and last
 period, England six --
    America five --"

184
"America is weakening
 before the powerful
 attack of the British."

185
"Nothing serious, Polly.
 I'll be all right in a
       minute."

186
"Sorry, Nelson, but you
 can't play any more
       today."

187
"Tommy, change your
 clothes! You're going
   into the game!"

188
"Wid dat Van Buren boy
 playin' de band bettah
 start playin'...Gawd Save 
      de King!"

189
"Good-bye, America!"

190
"With a sore arm like
 that....you can't ride
   a strange pony!"

191
"I've got to! This is
   my big chance!"

192
"A British foul against
 Nelson! Van Buren
 gets a free chance for
      a goal!"

193
"-- Van Buren just
  missed the goal."

194
"If that guy's a polo
 player....I can milk a
 cow with boxing
   gloves on!"

195
"Mr. Tommy can't ride
 that horse -- let me go
   and get Pronto."

196
"He hurt his arm last
 night gettin' Pronto out
 of the burnin' stable."

197
"Foul against Van Buren....
  for reckless riding!"

198
"Take him out....or he'll
     kill somebody!"

199
"A player can't be taken
 out of the game unless
      he's hurt!"

200
"Then somebody should
 hit him over the head
   with a mallet!"

201
"Van Buren's foul gives
 England chance for
    free goal!"

202
"When Tommy rides he
 looks like he were part
    of the horse."

203
"Which part do you
       mean?"

204
"Van Buren makes sensational
 goal! England....seven!
     America....six!"

205
"I'll center it, Durant!"

206
"Durant ties the score
 with perfect pass from
      Van Buren!"

207
"Take the ball, Tommy!
 My mallet's broken!"

208
"TAKE MINE!"

209
"Tommy hasn't time to
  make another goal!"

210
"AMERICA WINS!"

211
"THAT'S MY BOY!"


The End