The Show Off
1
For one hundred and
fifty years Philadel-
phia has been an arena
for the deeds of great
Americans.
2
Around the feet of
William Penn now
swarm the Commercial
Giants of the modern
age.
3
Among the thousands is
Aubrey Piper - our
Mr. Piper of the Penn-
sylvania Railroad, in his
own mind the most
important man in that
great organization.
4
"Another outburst like
that, and you'll laugh
yourself right out of
this office."
5
"Now maybe you'll
learn this is an office
- not a bird-house!"
6
"I'm helping to raffle
off a car for our
Widows and Orphans
Fund."
7
"I always consider the
widows - God bless 'em
- but I wouldn't know
what to do with any
more cars."
8
"The lucky girl is Amy
Fisher - - you've heard
of them, of course - the
Fishers of Germantown."
9
"A radiant gem for
a radiant girl!"
10
"A mere trifle - you
know. I'm the head
of a department, with
thirty clerks under
me."
11
However, Amy's parents
are not "The Fishers
of Germantown" .... they
scarcely know how to
get there on a trolley.
12
"Hello, Joe! Bet you
didn't know your
mother asked me
over for dinner!"
13
"Is that another
new dress?"
14
"It was on sale at
Strawbridge's. Only
twenty-two sixty-four."
15
"I see! You've asked
that Show-Off over
to dinner again."
16
"No, Mom - he's not
coming until after
dinner."
17
"Thank Heaven for
that! He eats more
than he talks, if such
a thing is possible!"
18
"A trifle early but
always welcome -
eh? The pride of
old West Philly!"
19
"Just a little social call.
Never too busy to
visit the home folks."
20
"All washed up, and
signed on the dotted
line!"
21
"Aubrey, have you
had your dinner?"
22
"Sorry, but I have a
dinner engagement with
our Vice-President. We're
closing a big deal
tonight."
23
"However and notwith-
standing - if you insist,
I might be able to
postpone it."
24
"How could I turn
down the little
mother's cooking?"
25
"Put another leaf in
the table .... the big
one - he needs plenty
of room."
26
"Sorry, old man, I can't be
with you this evening.
We can take up that
big freight movement
in the morning, just
as well."
27
"He's the head of
a department, with
thirty clerks under
him!"
28
"If that windbag has
thirty clerks under
him they work on
the floor below."
29
"Here's a letter for Joe
- maybe I'd better see
if it's important."
30
"Bad news, son?"
31
"I've invented a new
kind of paint. When
applied to metal it
prevents rust, but the
steel companies can't
see it."
32
Three hours of work
in his basement
laboratory gives Joe
a new idea.
33
"I've found it, Pop - just
what it needs. But I'd
have to demonstrate it,
and that would take at
least a thousand dollars."
34
"Little Sweetheart, when
I take you to that cozy
bungalow I've been
speaking about -"
35
"- I'll build a music nook
for you. The wife of a
railroad official should
have a pipe-organ in
her house -"
36
"- and sunken bath tubs,
a little stretch of green
lawn, and a tennis
court ... I look splendid
in white trousers!"
37
"Aubrey, you're
wonderful!"
38
"Quit pussyfootin' around
that door, listenin' to
what's none of your
business!"
39
"Clara, you work near
the station - - is that
Aubrey fellow the head
of anything?"
40
"He's only a thirty dollar
a week clerk, like the
rest. The boys call him
Carnation Charlie."
41
"He's been in there
giving her a line of
talk about sunken
bungalows and pipe
organs!"
42
"The only organ she'll
ever hear will be a
mouth organ!"
43
"I guess Amy'll be
getting married
pretty soon."
44
"Who do you think
she'll marry?"
45
"I've talked to her till
I'm blue in the face,
but I guess she loves
that big bluffer."
46
"Suppose we let the
folks in on the good
news - sign 'em up on
the dotted line!"
47
"How about a little drink
of that rare old Fisher
water?"
48
"That lamp has set on
this table for twenty
years, and it's going
to set there as long
as I live."
49
"'Blushing she gave it,
looking down
At her feet so bare, and
her tattered gown.'"
50
"Am I right or wrong,
Pop Corn?"
51
"Keep your damn
hands to yourself!
I never saw such
a pest in my life!"
52
"Tell that Pennsylvania
Railroad if he's got to
bray like that, to go
down to the stockyards
where he belongs."
53
"'The boy rode off
with many a laugh,
and many a back-
ward bow.'"
54
"That's a nice way Pop
treated Aubrey. I was
never so mortified in
my life!"
55
"Then let the blather-
skite stop his silly
talk and quit slapping
people!"
56
"You won't have a
chance to insult him
much longer. I'll marry
him now just for spite!"
57
A month passed before
Amy married him,
but not until after the
ceremony did she ob-
tain a glimpse of the
wonderful love-nest.
58
"Of course, this is only
temporary, till certain
big deals go through.
Then -- prepare ye
mansions, oh my
heart!"
59
"I'm afraid there's no
use, Pop. I haven't
the money to make
a demonstration."
60
"Do you think you
could do it with
this?"
61
"Why - where'd you
get it?"
62
"It's the money your
Ma and me saved to
pay off the debt on
the home."
63
"My health ain't what it
used to be, son. Some
day you'll have to take
care of Mom - an' this
is your chance for
bigger things."
64
"Maybe we'd better
not tell Mom about it
just yet ... she might
not understand."
65
After a month's waiting
for some of Mr.
Piper's big deals to go
through ...
66
"Amy, I ought to have
a new suit. You know
the boys at the office
look to me for their
styles."
67
"But we can't afford it,
dear. The rent is past
due, and it would cost
us more money if we
had to move."
68
"Well, I'm tired of this
place, anyway - - it's
beginning to depress
me."
69
"By the way, Amy - while
we're getting settled, I'll
bet the folks would love
to have us drop in on
them for a few days."
70
"Oh, no, Aubrey - my
pride - Oh! I just
couldn't!"
71
"Why not? Pop would be
glad to have me come
in and cheer him up."
72
Two days of fruitless
house hunting brings
Amy, like a tired child,
back to her mother.
73
"We've got to move.
I've walked until my
feet ache, but I can't
find a bungalow we
can afford."
74
"A bungalow on thirty
dollars a week! I'll bet
that's Aubrey's idea."
75
"He says he wants a
place with a sun dial
and a fountain."
76
"Well, Lady Jane, if I
don't miss my guess
you're both on the
streets this very
minute!"
77
"You're my child, and
I've got to take you in,
but warn that laughing
hyena he'll have to
change his ways!"
78
"I'm looking for the
winning number on
the auto raffle."
79
"You've won the
car!"
80
"Aren't you happy?"
81
"I'd be happier if
someone had won
it who really needs a
car."
82
"Tell the little mother
to dust off the coon-
skin coat. We're going
motoring!"
83
"You've heard me
speak of my uncle
George Stitch, haven't
you?"
84
"He left me some shares
in an automobile factory
and I've cashed them
in for a beautiful touring
car."
85
"Aubrey has bought
a new car."
86
"What with? He'd better
be thinking of something
to eat and a place to
sleep."
87
"I used to drive in
the Vanderbilt
Cup races."
88
"I'm accustomed to
driving motors with
a gear-shift!"
89
"Say - how did you ever
get a license to drive
a taxi?"
90
"I'm surprised he
didn't kill himself.
Only my presence
of mind saved him."
91
"As a citizen and tax
payer I demand jus-
tice. He jay-walked
right in front of my
car!"
92
"I wonder what's
keeping Aubrey?"
93
"Maybe he stopped
to pick up the
Mayor."
94
"For Heaven's sake,
what happened?"
95
"Aubrey, you're
wonderful!"
96
"Applesauce!"
97
"Maybe it's that baby
he saved - calling up
to thank him."
98
"Mr. Fisher was taken
ill at his work. He's
here, in Ward 53."
99
"What's the matter,
Joe?"
100
"You're not telling me
the truth! Something
tells me it's about
Pop - - has he had
another spell?"
101
"They've taken him
to the hospital."
102
"It's a pity it
wasn't you!"
103
"You keep this fellow
here. His talk would
finish your father."
104
"Sic transit gloria
mundi."
105
"It's an old French
saying ... means 'we're
here today and gone
tomorrow.'"
106
"You've nothing to fear,
Honey ... The old kid
from West Philly is
still with you."
107
A Business Man's day
in court ...
108
"The City of Philadelphia
versus Aubrey Piper."
109
"You're charged with
violating ordinances
821-3496827 - 1862 B
also Section A.J.X. of
212120."
110
"Would you mind
repeating that last
charge, Your
Honor?"
111
"You heard me. What
have you to say for
yourself?"
112
"How many witnesses
are here to appear
against the defendant?"
113
"There weren't that
many people on the
street!"
114
"I'm going to make an
example of you. The
fine will be five hun-
dred dollars or three
months in jail."
115
"My political influence
in West Philly is pretty
strong, my friend. You'd
better give this a
second thought."
116
"That's a good sugges-
tion, and on second
thought I'll change the
sentence to one thou-
sand dollars or six
months at hard labor."
117
"Don't worry, Honey.
I've always wanted an
opportunity to investi-
gate prison conditions
around here."
118
"I'll pay his fine."
119
"Right there ... on
the dotted line!"
120
"It was the mortgage
money. We mustn't let
Mom know about it."
121
"Trust me. You know
how close-mouthed
I am."
122
That afternoon the
Pipers moved in
with the Fishers.
123
"Pop loaned it to me
for my invention,
before he died."
124
"Why did you do
it, Joe?"
125
"I couldn't see one of
the family go to jail,
even if we lost the
home."
126
"Listen to me, you
big blow! It's time
somebody put you
wise to yourself!"
127
"With one of your
fool gestures you've
sacrificed their home!"
128
"You've ruined Joe's
future!"
129
"You're just a four-
flusher - a Show-Off
- you couldn't be
square with yourself!"
130
According to Aubrey,
a man may be down
but he's never out - -
until he's kicked out.
131
"A simple solution of
vanadium and man-
ganese - invented by a
youth who under my
tutelage will astound
the world with his
wizardry."
132
"This is a formula, gentle-
men, that will revolution-
ize our whole chemical
and commercial era. I
know because I'm an
expert on such matters!"
133
"We've tried many kinds
of rust-preventing paints,
but they have all proved
impractical."
134
"Of course, you realize
that your refusal will
force me to go to your
competitor, and you
know what that will
do to your business."
135
"I regret to tell you that
my firm has instructed
me to foreclose on your
property."
136
"Take it or leave it -
leave it or take it! Act
now! That's the slogan
that has made me
the man I am today!"
137
"Sign on the dotted
line."
138
"Further delay is impos-
sible. I must insist that
you sign this release
on your deed."
139
"Don't sign on the
dotted line!"
140
"Aubrey, I always
knew you'd make
good!"
141
"Aubrey, you are
wonderful! How did
you do it?"
142
"Instead of applying the
paint to the outside, my
boy, I told 'em to apply
it to the metal in its
molten state!"
143
"Heaven help me
from now on!"
The
End.
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