The Saphead
1
A little street where
money is everything-
and everything
is money.
2
Nicholas Van Alstyne-
known, loved, and
feared as "The Old
Nick of 'The Street.'"
3
Old Nick's very private
secretary -- "Mr. Musgrave."
4
"You tell him that Jim Hardy
from Arizona is here."
5
"I used to pal with this old
boy out west."
6
"What the blazes brought
you east, Jim?"
7
"The Henrietta mine -- she's
the all-fired biggest propo-
sition I ever seen."
8
"Jim, you know more about
a mine than anybody on
earth -- except me --"
9
"I want a broker -- send for
Watson Flint."
10
"If you say the Henrietta is
that big -- watch me gamble
on her!"
11
Mark Turner had succeeded
in marrying Old Nick's
daughter -- but had never
succeeded at anything else.
12
His morning mail as usual
was all bills and no
business.
13
"There's a girl outside that
wants to see you personal."
14
"Your wife's outside, sir."
15
"Go back and tell her she'll
hear from me in a day or
two."
16
"I came to invite you
to lunch."
17
"I'm afraid you'd find me
rotten company."
18
"I work like a dog, Rose --
but I don't get anywhere."
19
"Your father's commissions
are worth a fortune to a
broker -- but he never
gives me an order."
20
"I'll have a talk with Dad
about you -- when he gets
home this afternoon."
21
Old Nick's castle.
22
Bertie Van Alstyne, Esquire,
his father's hope and pride,
breakfasts early -- in the
afternoon.
23
"I want to talk to you about
the way you treat Mark."
24
"You keep away --
I'll see her, and try
to get your letters
back."
25
"If you'll stop talking I'll see
what I can do for your
Mark."
26
Bertie had been in love for
years and decided something
must be done about it.
27
Nick's ward, Agnes, was the
girl Bertie loved. He had
confided this to his sister and
his valet -- but had never
mentioned it to her.
28
"Agnes has telegraphed
that she's coming
home from school today."
29
"Don't get excited ----
you'll have plenty of
time to meet her ---
the train doesn't arrive
until 6:30."
30
"What's happened to you
lately? Getting home at
daylight and having
a picture of Henrietta, the
dancer, in your room--"
31
"I am leading a fast life
because I am in love
with Agnes."
32
Agnes was to arrive at the
Grand Central -- so Bertie
went to meet her at the
Pennsylvania.
33
Six-thirty at the Grand
Central.
34
Agnes was an orphan --
whom Nick has brought up
as his own child.
35
"Nobody met me."
36
"The saphead! I suppose he
forgot all about you."
37
"Ask Hutchins to let me
know as soon as Mr.
Bertie comes in."
38
"Mr. Bertie is never home
before three in the morn-
ing, Miss."
39
"I was waiting for someone
-- but she didn't come."
40
The Gay White Way
failing to cheer
Bertie - his friends
try the side streets.
41
"I'm having rotten luck --
lend me a couple of
thousand."
42
"Are those things worth two
thousand dollars?"
43
"What are they made of?"
44
"I'm awfully tired of this --
would you mind very much
if I stop?"
45
"Your winnings, Mr. V.
-- thirty-eight thousand."
46
"Are you quite sure you
can spare it?"
47
Bertie sees a chance
to get a real
reputation as a
sport --
48
"Will you see to arresting
me, please?"
49
Morning
50
"But they might come and
take him to jail!"
51
"Is it true you were in that
dreadful place?"
52
"I was there because I
love Agnes."
53
"If you love Agnes, why
didn't you meet her?"
54
"I did -- but she didn't come."
55
"Bertie -- you've changed
somehow."
56
"I heard you tell Rose that
you loved me -- and I love
you, too."
57
"I've tricked you into loving
me -- when you know the
truth I'm afraid you won't
care for me any more."
58
"Tell me --"
59
"I'm good!"
60
"I've tried my best to get
over it -- but I can't -- and I
still kneel down and say my
prayers every morning --
before I go to bed."
61
"Bertie, who is Henrietta?"
62
"I bought her picture-
but I never met her."
63
"Agnes, you'd better go."
64
"You've got to get out and
shift for yourself -- this is
the last check you'll get
from me!"
65
"How can you be so cruel!
I love Bertie, whether you
do or not, and I'm going
to be his wife!"
66
"If you've had the impert-
inence to ask Agnes to
marry you--"
67
"-- I suppose I've got to give
you a little more."
68
"Not another cent!"
69
"Not another word about
marrying Agnes until
you go to work ----
and make something
of yourself!"
70
Poor Bertie--
cut off with a
million -- moved
into humble
quarters at
the Ritz.
71
Watson Flint --
Nick's broker, and a
friend of the family.
72
"I've got to go into business
like you and Mark Turner."
73
"I bought a seat on the Stock
Exchange for a hundred
thousand dollars."
74
"A hundred thousand dollars
for a seat?"
75
"Well, furniture is way
up now-a-days."
76
"I want to show you an
engagement ring."
77
"You asked me to look
after it, sir."
78
"If father won't let us marry,
perhaps you'll keep it to
remember me by."
79
"No matter what Uncle Nick
says, I'll marry you when-
ever you want me --"
80
"We can't now, Bertie
-- we must make
arrangements first --
let's say next Tuesday!"
81
"Leon, we're to be married
secretly Tuesday evening --
please make all the arrange-
ments."
82
"It would be a wonderful
surprise for her -- if
we could only get it
ready in time."
83
"We must!"
84
You can never be sure a
woman will be on time --
even for her wedding.
85
"I'm going to marry Bertie
tonight."
86
"But, Agnes -- you mustn't
run away -- we'll have the
wedding here!"
87
"Get out one of her little
white dresses -- and she
can wear my wedding veil."
88
"I'll manage father, and send
for the Reverend Murray
Hilton."
89
"I took you into
business because Rose
wanted me to -- and
you're making good!"
90
"I've given you power
of attorney because I'm
going on a cruise
Wednesday and you'll be
in charge while I'm away."
91
"Bertie and Agnes are going
to be married tonight --"
92
"Perhaps they've locked
her up."
93
"All right -- let 'em be married
in here -- or down cellar --
or on the roof --"
94
"-- but I won't see them."
95
"I have called for Agnes."
96
"I'm through with you --"
97
"-- and as for Agnes, she
has disobeyed me --"
98
"Now ask Bertie to
forgive you."
99
"We're going to be
married here!"
100
"Anything else?"
101
"I'll put one in every pocket
-- then when the minister
asks me -- there you are!"
102
"If I die -- promise me you'll
put these into Mrs. Turner's
hands."
103
"I want Mrs. Turner!"
104
"Henrietta is dead -- and I
gave her my sacred word
I'd put these into your hands."
105
"I'm sorry this blow has
come, Rose -- I've tried to
keep it from you --"
106
"Bertie, these belong
to you ---- they're
from Henrietta."
107
Bertie's valet had
planned a great
surprise for the
bridal couple.
108
Tortured by thoughts
of Agnes -- Bertie
hopes a visit to the
Stock Exchange may
help him to forget.
109
"This is a new member
-- Mr. Van Alstyne."
110
"Mr. Turner wants to see you
at Mr. Van Alstyne's office right
away."
111
"Do all these seats cost a
hundred thousand dollars?"
112
Knowing that the truth
about Henrietta Reynolds
must soon come to light,
Mark has induced Nick
to go on his yachting
trip as planned.
113
With Nick out of
the way, Mark sees
a chance to clean up
a fortune before his
actions with Henrietta
Reynolds are discovered.
114
"Mr. Van Alstyne notified
you that I would be in com-
plete authority here during
his absence -- ?"
115
"I want you to sell 'Henrietta
Mine' until you have
knocked the price down
fifty points!"
116
"I can't accept a commission
of that size without security."
117
"Great heavens, Turner! --
these securities belong to
your father-in-law!"
118
"While he is away they
are mine."
119
Bertie's introduction to the
Floor grows more and more
informal.
120
"All they do here is knock
off hats -- but I enjoy it --
it occupies the mind."
121
"I'm going out to get
some new ones so I
can play it again."
122
The raid on
Henrietta.
123
"They've started a raid on
'Henrietta' -- you ought to be
on the Floor!"
124
"When I want your advice
I'll send for you!"
125
"Mr. Tildon of the National
City is here."
126
"Mr. Van Alstyne won't
return for a week -- and
Mr. Turner is in charge."
127
"Tell Turner if we don't re-
ceive collateral by three
o'clock we'll be forced to
throw Van Alstyne's hold-
ings on the market!"
128
"Thank God you've come, sir!"
129
"Thank God!
I was seasick--"
130
"Call up Mr. Tildon -- and
send to the Stock Exchange
for Mark Turner!"
131
"Mr. Turner hasn't been on
the Floor today!"
132
"Mark Turner is
responsible for
this raid, sir."
133
"Because he's a cheat-
I found out he was
responsible for that
Henrietta girl, and put
the blame on Mr. Bertie-"
134
"I'm sorry to hurry you -- but
it's two-thirty, and your
securities must be in the
bank before the market closes."
135
"It's almost three
o'clock. There's nothing
on earth I can do."
136
"You're too late. Flint's on
the Floor now, knocking the
last breath out of the 'Hen-
rietta' -- and I can buy your
holdings for next to nothing!"
137
"Get the police!"
138
"All the police in the world
can't prevent your losing
control of the Henrietta Mine
when the gong rings in the
Stock Exchange!"
139 [text at 90 degree angle:]
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
140
HENRIETTA!
HENRIETTA!
HENRIETTA!
141 [text at 90 degree angle:]
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
HENRIETTA
142
"Sir, you're insulting me!--
and I demand that you stop
yelling that woman's name!"
143
HENRIETTA!
144
"They're all yelling that
woman's name at me --
and I can't make them
stop!"
145
"Bertie, listen! -- I'll tell you
something that will stop
them!"
146
"Every time you hear a man
yelling 'Henrietta' -- you grab
him and say -- 'I TAKE IT'!"
147
It seems to Bertie
that the whole Stock
Exchange is taunting
him by yelling
Henrietta's name.
148
"She's up forty
points and
going like
a rocket!"
149
"I've been saved, Flint!
-- saved by a miracle!"
150
"It was no miracle -- it was
Bertie! He's the latest
member of the Stock
Exchange!"
151
"He's bought a cottage on
Long Island -- this is his
address."
152
"I have been on the Floor of
the Stock Exchange."
153
"Why, my boy -- you've
saved 'Henrietta'!"
154
"I mean the Henrietta
mine! Now get dressed,
because I've sent for
Agnes and the minister."
THE END
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