Riley the Cop

1  
"YOU CAN TELL A 
GOOD COP BY THE 
ARRESTS HE DOESN'T 
MAKE."

 From the Philosophy 
 of Riley, the Cop.

2
For twenty years, then,
  Officer Riley has been
a good cop....he still has
his first arrest to make.

3
"Mr. Riley! Try to
stand more like a
vase and less like
a pot."

4
"Why don't you look
more military....like
Krausmeyer?"

5
"It iss by Police Regu-
lations verboten to haf
muddy shoes on duty!"

6
"Mop up that puddle, 
or I'll divert all th'
horse traffic here."

7
"Them's sho' policeman's
feet you got, Misto Riley.
They cover plenty o'
territory."

8
"I wouldn't be offerin'
you money for such a 
job. Here's two tickets
for th' Policemen's
Ball."

9
"It's against th' law
to be drunk on my 
beat....get over on
Krausmeyer's."

10
"Davy, please show me 
what's in that box."

11
"Promise you won't 
laugh at me?"

12
"I had it baked
'specially for you."

13
"Was I ever thinkin'
when I was a rookie
on this beat and you
were babies...."

14
"....that I'd still be here,
close on retirement, an'
the two of you near
marryin'...."

15
"Arrah, it's a grand
thing, marriage...."

16
"But, Mr. Riley! You
aren't married."

17
"That I'm not. I said it
was a grand thing....
for them as likes it."

18
"Hist! There's th'
jealous son of your
boss calling you,
Davy!"

19
"Cheese it, Mr. Riley!
Th' Sergeant!"

20
"I was mindin' what you 
said about pushcarts, 
Sergeant. Never a one 
you'll find on my beat."

21
"You know there's a 
law against pushcarts.
Why aren't you on
the job....like Riley?"

22
"Aunt Emma wants 
to take me with her
to Europe next week,
Davy...."

23
"Then we can't
be married this
summer...."

24
"It's only a few months'
wait - - and it may
be years before you
and I can go abroad
together."

25
"You're just selfish,
that's all - after I've
saved every cent
for furniture, too."

26
Mid-summer...with Mary
  making a Cook's
tour of Europe, and
Davy sticking to a
baker's route at home.

27
"My week's collection...
o.k. to the penny."

28
"It's from Mary....
in Germany!"

29
"Here's your pay. Don't
spend it all on lovesick
cables to Mary."

30
"Julius, how much 
does it cost to go 
to Germany?"

31
"More than you've got...
unless you've been
saving every dime of 
your wages."

32
"Whist! Run along
wit' you! Play on
Krausmeyer's beat
until this blows
over."

33
"The auditors report our
collection accounts
$5,000 short, Mr.
Kuchendorf."

34
"Five thousand dollars
gone....a window
broken....such things
don't happen by 
Krausmeyer's beat!"

35
"Wait a minute!....
 Wait a minute!"

36
"Which mystery do you
want me to solve first
....th' window, or th'
Five thousand?"

37
"I want some informa-
tion about sailings for 
Germany."

38
"What kind of a jam 
are you in that the
Big Boss wants you?"

39
"Even if he breaks you,
you can still appeal to 
the courts."

40
"Don't be too hard on 
Riley, Captain. He's
the most efficient 
officer we have."

41
"That baker's boy, Dave
Collins, has been arrested 
in Germany."

42
"You're due for a soft 
job, so I'm sending you 
to bring him back."

43
"Riley, I've heard they 
have fine beer in 
Munich - and it's
legal there."

44
"Why couldn't the lad 
have been arrested in 
Ireland?"

45
Munich -
  One of the garden 
spots of the world....
mostly beer garden.

46
"Extradition papers for 
one David Collins - -
wanted in New York
for embezzlement."

47
"KRAUSMEYER!"

48
"What are you doin'
followin' me...an' in
that lodge regalia?"

49
"Pardon, Herr! He
speaks not English."

50
"Neither does his
namesake!"

51
"Look at his dogs!
Could I ever be
mistaken in them 
pups?"

52
"MR. RILEY!"

53
"Mr. Riley....I didn't
steal that money...
please take me 
home...."

54
"Who do you think the 
boy is....Houdini?"

55
"TAKE THEM CHAINS 
 OFF THAT BOY!"

56
"Davy, my boy, I think
you're innocent....but
you must promise not 
to run away...."

57
"But before provin' your
innocence, let us look
about for some inno-
cent amusement."

58
"All my life I've been 
searchin' for a colleen 
like you....to say
nothin' of the beer...."

59
"Had I th' gift of tongues
I'd be tellin' you what's
stirrin' in me soul."

60
"Be yourself, Big Boy!
I used to be a waitress 
in Hoboken."

61
"....and I just love
policemen!"

62
"Don't forget I'm your
prisoner, Mr. Riley. You
mustn't lose me."

63
"Be easy, now. If a
pinch comes, I'll
square it."

64
"Herr Officer von Riley!"

65
"Read this, Davy.
I forgot me eye-
glasses!"

66
"We'll have to catch 
the next Paris train. 
It leaves in an hour."

67
"Just when I was 
beginning to fall for 
your line, then you 
leave."

68
"I'll trust you to get 
our bags, Davy, while 
I'm observin' how they 
enforce Prohibition 
here."

69
"MARY! MARY!"

70
"Oxcuse me, pleeze....
you have hired my
cab und dot iss
final."

71
"You made me miss 
my girl....the first
time I've seen her
since I came to 
Europe!"

72
"These ladies have 
tickets for Paris."

73
"Lena, me darlint, I'm
in love with th' blue
eyes of you....an' yer
golden hair....an' yer
cheeks like roses...."

74
"Das ist aber komisch!"

75
"What show are you 
boys with....and
could I get in on my
badge?"

76
"Davy, me boy, you're 
too young to fool
around women....an'
I'm not so old myself!"

77
"Remember, I'm your
prisoner. You must 
come with me."

78
"Well do I know it."

79
"If we miss this train, 
Mr. Riley, you may
lose your job."

80
"They're yodelers from 
the Police Glee Club."

81
"Is he doin' tricks....
or does he want to
fight?"

82
"We've missed the Paris
train. Will the airship
get us there in time?"

83
"Three cheers for th'
policemen of th' world
....except Krausmeyer."

84
"This is a queer jitney 
bus, Davy, that has no
strap-hangers."

85
"Davy, I seem to 
think I've forgotten 
something...."

86
"LENA!"

87
"I'm your prisoner, Mr. 
Riley, and I'm getting 
you to Paris on time."

88
"'Tis a very queer jitney 
bus, Davy, with them
electric fans in front!"

89
Paris -
  Whose Main Street,
to visiting Yanks, is the
Rue de la Morning After.

90
"Don't you want to
stop for a schooner
of milk....or some-
thing?"

91
"We've only got five
minutes for the 
boat train."

92
"M'sieur le policeman!"

93
"Ze boat train she
leave tomorrow...not
today!"

94
"Why didn't you 
say so?"

95
"M'sieur, our brother
policeman, Paris is
yours. Everywhere,
you are under our 
protection."

96
"MR. RILEY! MR. 
RILEY!"

97
"See you tomorrow at 
th' train, Davy....an'
don't forget you're my
prisoner!"

98
"Monsieur, il n'y a aucun
gout si delicat que celui
de l'escargot."

[dissolves to]

"Monsieur, there is 
no flavor equals in
delicacy the snail."

99
"Terrible! They're trippin'
over each other."

100
"We have better shows 
at the Policemen's
Ball...."

101
"Go on home, now, 
like th' good girl I 
hope you are."

102
"How are you zis
morning, our friend?"

103
"M'sieur, allow me to
introduce these 
charming girls...."

104
"Police secret agents 
who escorted you 
home last night."

105
"I give you my word, 
Lena....those ladies 
are cops."

106
"I suppose they were
up here giving you a
ticket for parking."

107
"I went to bed early....
so I could have more
time to dream of you,
darlint."

108
"Policeman's brogans!"

109
"What have you done 
with Mr. Riley?"

110
"If you don't find Mr. 
Riley, you'll never get 
paid for your cab."

111
"I've got to get him 
home....or he'll lose 
his job!"

112
"....and I've got a 
reason of my own
for hurrying back."

113
"I'm disappointed in
you, Davy....an' after
warnin' you about
th' wiles of women."

114
"Mr. Riley, when I left
America I was a boy
....now I'm a man...."

115
"....and you're starting 
for the boat RIGHT
NOW!"

116
"I'm goin' to stay right 
here in Paris....goin'
to start a taxi business."

117
"M'sieur, the taxi you
bought, she waits
you!"

118
"Ze gallant taxi, she
will arrive you to Le
Havre in time for ze
boat!"

119
"Auf Wiedersehen!"

120
"Good-bye....? Aren't
you coming, Acushla?"

121
"Then you'll come on 
th' next boat?  An'
I'll be waitin' on th'
dock with a license
an' a ring!"

122
"Yes."

123
"Lena, darlint! What's 
your last name?"

124
"KRAUSMEYER!"

125
"Mary! I've been
chasing you all
over Europe!"

126
"Officer Riley?"

127
"But you haven't told 
me yet why Mr. Riley
was with you in
Europe."

128
"Our Parish church will
look better to me than
anything I saw in 
Europe."

129
"STOP!"

130
"EITEL!"

131
"LENA!"

132
"Aloysius, this is my
brother that I haven't
seen in twenty years!"

133
"Sixty million men in
America - an' I have
to pick you for a
brother-in-law!"

134
"Eitel, you must come 
to our house for
dinner....come often!"

135
"AND BRING YOUR
HORSE!"

THE END