The Patsy

1   
Sunday - - when the
average family wears
itself out trying to
       rest.

2
"You can't eat the plate, 
        you know."

3
"Why do I always get the 
 part of a chicken that 
 goes over the fence last?"

4
"You're mistaken, Patricia.
 That part went over the 
      fence first."

5
"Then this chicken was 
  flying in reverse."

6
"It ain't right the way 
 Pat gets picked on in 
      this house."

7
"Don't say ain't."

8
"Aw, horsefeathers!
 I've said ain't for
   forty years."

9
"Such language! Aren't 
    you ashamed?"

10
"Pat, I want you to stop 
 hanging around when 
 Tony calls on Grace."

11
"You just moon around."

12
"I don't moon."

13
"Do I moon, Pa?"

14
"How are your business 
 plans coming along, Tony? 
   I'm so interested."

15
"That's my plate - not
    the city dump."

16
"Where's your ice cream,
         Pat?"

17
"Ice cream isn't good 
       for Pat."

18
"Tell me more about 
 your subdivision. I'm 
   so interested."

19
"Only fifty minutes from
 the Court House - -
 gas - electricity - and
        sewers."

20
"How'd you girls like 
 to dash out and look 
       it over?"

21
"I'll be delighted - but
    Pat has a date."

22
"Yes - Pat always has 
  a date on Sunday."

23
"You know well enough 
 it's your turn to do 
     the dishes."

24
"But it was Grace's turn 
 yesterday and I did them 
        for her."

25
"Well, if it was her turn 
 yesterday, that makes 
  it your turn today."

26
"You're ruining my 
      health!"

27
"This thing smells like 
    a hide house!"

28
"My neck hurts. I think
 I've dislocated my vertebrae 
           again."

29
"Never mind the symptoms
 - - you can have the 
        couch."

30
"Maybe you don't believe
 it, but I've had a pain 
 in the neck ever since 
       we married."

31
"Imagination! The idea of
 a big, strapping brute
 like you having a pain
       anywhere!"

32
"Your ma has her good
    points, Pat."

33
"She sure has. They stick 
    out all over her."

34
The Yacht Club dance
was to be an affair of
the "400" - - and as
usual Pat was the odd
       number.

35
"Hurry up, girls, I'm
    ready to go!"

36
"You're not going to
 wear my new evening 
        coat!"

37
"I'm going to let you
 wear my lovely Spanish
        shawl."

38
"That thing has been 
 patched up till it looks 
 more like a Spanish 
       omelet."

39
"Pat hardly ever gets
    anything new."

40
"If Grace wears it first
 people will think I'm
 wearing her clothes."

41
"That's just like Pat. Her
 selfishness is ruining my
         health!"

42
"Seems like ma's tears is
 the greatest water power
        on earth."

43
"You girls had better ride
 with me to keep your
 hair from being blown."

44
"Why don't you let Pat 
   ride with you?"

45
"Shut your face and
      beat it!"

46
"Star light, star bright;
 First star I've seen tonight.
 Wish I may, wish I might
 Have the wish I wish tonight."

47
"What did you wish,
      Baby?"

48
"I wish I were beautiful 
    and seductive."

49
"You are, Baby - -
 you're marvelous."

50
"You think so, Pop, but
  nobody else does."

51
"I'd like to be entrancing,
 alluring, ravishing - like a
  stocking advertisement."

52
The Yacht Club - -
where if Mary had a 
little lamb it would cost 
  $4.50 per order.

53
"Don't you know it's bad
 manners to be polite to
       a waiter?"

54
"Hot consomme."

55
"Tomawto boo-yon."

56
"You mean tomayter
       soup."

57
"Hot consomme."

58
"Cold consomme."

59
"Make my hot consomme
         cold."

60
"Viens-tu de la campagne,
     grande vache?"

61
"He said something about 
       a big cow."

62
"Are you going to sit
 there and let your
 wife be insulted by
     a waiter?"

63
"You know I don't 
 understand French."

64
"Noiseless celery from
  contented farms?"

65
"Billy Caldwell! Your
 pranks will be the
 death of you yet!"

66
"Not the Billy Caldwell?"

67
"Don't mind him. He has an
 open mind that's temporarily 
    closed for repairs."

68
"Beg pardon, you are 
 wanted on the 'phone."

69
"Have you always had 
   so much hair?"

70
"No - - I was born
   bald-headed."

71
"I love to dance --
    don't you?"

72
"That depends on the 
      partner."

73
"Doesn't that music go 
 right to your feet?"

74
"Isn't that a marvelous
         moon!"

75
"Not bad - for a town 
      this size."

76
"I know how it is to be
  hopelessly in love."

77
"I'm not hopelessly 
     in love."

78
"Well, I am. I'm in love 
 with a man who hardly 
    knows I exist."

79
"Girls don't have to be  
 hopelessly in love. All
 they need is personality."

80
"But I don't know how 
 to get a personality."

81
"I can help you. I can put
 anything or anybody over
      but myself."

82
"You just do everything I
 tell you and I'll guarantee
  you'll get your man."

83
The very next day Pat
buried herself in the
magic pages of "What To 
    Say And When".

84
"Always remember - Nature
 gives us many of our features,
 but she lets us pick our own 
            teeth."

85
"Don't cry over spilt milk -
 there's enough water in
       it already."

86
"No thank you, Mr. Smith -
 work is the curse of our
    drinking classes."

87
"Many a live wire would be
 a dead one if it wasn't for 
     his connections."

88
"I've never told you, Grace, 
 but there was insanity in
   your father's family."

89
"The well-dressed girl will
 wear heavy walking shoes
     when motoring."

90
"The apple is famous in 
 history, but it takes a 
 grapefruit to stay in the 
      public eye."

91
"No wonder a hen gets
 discouraged. She can
 never find things where 
     she lays them."

92
"Pat's gone crazy - -
 on her father's side."

93
"After all, a caterpillar
   is nothing but an 
   upholstered worm."

94
"Meet mother's labor-saving 
         device."

95
"Baby, are you sure you're 
  not getting something?"

96
"I've already got it -
    Personality."

97
"Let ma keep on thinking
 you're a bit cuckoo and
 you can do anything you
        want to."

98
"She seems to be expecting 
 a 'phone call from Napoleon
        Bonaparte."

99
"We must humor her until
 I can consult a brain
     specialist."

100
"Ma, what is a hot dog?"

101
"I don't know, darling.
  What is a hot dog?"

102
"A hamburger in tights."

103
"Stupid! How do you 
     feel now?"

104
"You know how you 
 feel when you don't 
 know how you feel? 
 That's how I feel."

105
"Is that you, dear?"

106
"Will you repeat that, 
       please?"

107
"No, this isn't Grace -
    this is Pat."

108
"Go on - - it isn't Mr.
      Bonaparte."

109
"The little devil promised 
         to call."

110
"I'll be right up, 
   sweetheart."

111
"You're not crazy - you 
 just haven't any brains."

112
"When in Bagdad do as
  the Bagdaddies do."

113
"Come on, Beautiful - -
 the speed boat is raring 
         to go."

114
"You've got your honey -
       now buzz!"

115
"Begone! It's Mr. Google!
       OK - MNX."

116
"Where's Grace?"

117
"She went out, but I'm
 sure she'll be right back.
      Please wait."

118
"I'm through! She can't 
 make a sap out of me."

119
"It's no use crying over spilt 
 milk, Tony. There's enough 
   water in it already."

120
"All the world's a stage, 
 but most of us are only 
      stage hands."

121
"If it wasn't for the rain
 there wouldn't be any 
 hay to make when the 
      sun shines."

122
"But I came here to see
 Grace because I want a 
 woman's viewpoint on 
     these plans."

123
"I'm a woman - and I'm 
 just full of viewpoints."

124
"That's right - I hadn't 
    thought of it."

125
"How are you getting along 
 with that man you're in 
       love with?"

126
"I've managed to make 
 him realize that I exist."

127
"Are you cultivating a 
     personality?"

128
"I think I've got one 
 but he's too slow to 
       see it."

129
"Find out his interests
 and play up to them.
 He'll be just dumb 
 enough to fall for it."

130
"What do you think of 
 this boulevard plan?"

131
"I think it's gorgeous!
 The streets are so 
        cute."

132
Pat chose a direct
method of finding 
out "his interests".

133
"You're a nice kid, Pat.
 If that man doesn't 
 treat you right - just
       tell me!"

134
"No, it wouldn't be right 
      to kiss you."

135
"I don't think it would 
 be wrong. What's a kiss 
   between friends?"

136
"I found these books 
 under your mattress.
 What have you got 
 to say about 'em?"

137
"Nice, aren't they?"

138
"Grace, who is this man 
 that's crazy about Pat?"

139
"Who on earth would 
 be crazy about Pat?"

140
"You'd be surprised!"

141
"It's bad enough to deceive 
 us without wasting fifteen 
  dollars on these books."

142
"These books have been 
   good to me, Ma."

143
"Let me give you a health 
 hint - Tony Anderson is 
      my property."

144
"I've decided I'm going 
    to marry Tony."

145
"I'll bet you anything in 
  the world you don't."

146
"I'll get him back any 
 time I choose. When 
 he comes here tonight 
 it will be me that he 
     takes out."

147
"If you interfere I'll tell
 him you've been lying
 about 'another man' -
 and Tony hates liars!"

148
"You surely wouldn't be 
 mean enough to tell him 
         that!"

149
"Where's Pat?"

150
"Upstairs moping around -
 says she ain't hungry."

151
"No, Dad, I can't see 
        him."

152
"But I've already told 
   him you're here."

153
"Tell him you were 
 mistaken. I mustn't 
 see him any more."

154
"But just a minute ago
 you said she was in."

155
"Well, you know how
 kids are these days -
 in and out all the time."

156
"Are you absolutely 
       sure?"

157
"Are you sure she hasn't 
 gone out with - er -
    someone else?"

158
"Will you drop me off
 at the Yacht Club, 
 Tony, so I won't have 
   to call a taxi?"

159
"I was going downtown."

160
"I got Tony in love with 
 me because I pretended 
 someone else loved me."

161
"When he finds out, he
 won't love me any more.
 Men are like that -
 and I can't produce 
    another man."

162
"Sure you can. A girl as
 sweet as you could get
 any man she set her
       mind to."

163
"You're prejudiced, Pop -
 when it comes to men
 I don't mean a thing."

164
"I saw the slickest movie
 last night and the girl in
 it sure knew her onions."

165
"Tony - help! I'm in Billy's
 bedroom and he won't let 
         me go!"

166
"Oh, Tony, you came 
   just in time."

167
"I'm through with you -
 any girl who comes to
 Billy Caldwell's home
 alone deserves all she 
        gets."

168
"I found her in Billy
 Caldwell's house -
 and they were both
       drunk."

169
"I don't give a whoopin' 
         darn."

170
"If it wasn't for you our
 family tree would die."

171
"What do you mean 
     by that?"

172
"You're the sap."

173
"Shut your big mouth."

174
"There's no keyhole in 
  the front of your 
        face."

175
"I'll hit her so hard 
 she'll starve to death 
       bouncing."

176
"I'm going to take you 
 upstairs and give you 
 what I should have ten 
      years ago."

177
"You ain't going to do 
 nothing of the sort."

178
"Don't say ain't."

179
"SHUT UP!"

180
"For twenty-five years you've
 been whining and nagging
 and bawling and making
 everybody's life miserable -"

181
"Now I'm the doctor. The
 first time I hear a yip out 
 of you I'm going to break
 up the inside of this house
 and throw it out into the
        front yard."

182
"Your father is going 
    to strike me."

183
"Did I ever strike you?"

184
"Answer me."

185
"Then don't put any
 bad ideas in my head."

186
"Pat's my little girl and 
   she's as good as 
       anybody."

187
"I wouldn't ask a dog to
 live in this house. As
 far as that's concerned,
 a dog wouldn't do it."

188
"We never were able to 
 keep a dog. Every dog
 we ever owned ran
 away with a tramp."

189
"You've whined about every-
 thing from a bum vertebrae 
 to exclamatory rheumatism."

190
"That settles it. I'm
 going to get a divorce."

191
"You don't have to. I'm
 leaving this house right
 now and I'm leaving 
    it for good."

192
"You sure murmured 
 an earful, Pop."

193
"I had to do it - for
     you, Baby."

194
"But, Pop, I do love ma."

195
"So do I, dammit."

196
"I have an idea -"

197
"I'm so glad you came 
         back."

198
"I just came back to 
  pack my things."

199
"I'll sit down - - but I
 won't stand for anything."

200
"Say, listen, Pat - is Billy 
     Caldwell the man?"