Hot Water

1 
Married life is like dandruff
 - it falls heavily upon
 your shoulders - you
get a lot of free advice 
about it - but up to date
nothing has been found 
     to cure it.

2
"I can't understand
what's keeping the
bridegroom. I was
always on time."

3
The bridegroom - he had
 lost his collar button,
 mislaid the license,
forgotten the ring, and gone
  to the wrong church.

4
The best man -- he
couldn't understand
   why any man
should run to his own
     wedding.

5
"You were born a
bachelor -- why
not let well enough
     alone?"

6
"I'm getting so sore at
you for not listening 
to reason - I hope you
 get there on time!"

7
"Believe me, I'll never 
  give up my freedom 
for a pair of soft-boiled 
        eyes!"

8
Followed moonlight 
walks and tender
talks - a honey-
moon - then rent 
     to pay.

9
"Oh, hubby dear, I want
you to bring home a
few things for dinner."

10
-and some birdseed-and laundry soap-
and a box of matches-and a dozen eggs-
and a pound of butter-and a dozen rolls-
and a can of asparagus-and a loaf of bread-
and some lamb chops-and a bag of flour-
and two quarts of milk-and a leg of lamb-
and a can of coffee-and a nice little cake-
and some stove polish-and some bacon-

11
"-- just those few 
  things, dear."

12
What was once a 
 bachelor - -

13
"Your purchase entitles 
you to a ticket for the 
    turkey raffle."

14
"Number 46 wins
  the turkey!"

15
"Why don't you leave 
 your pets at home?"

16
"Conductor, will you
throw this man off 
the car or must I 
      do it?"

17
His mother-in-law - with
  the nerve of a book 
  agent, the disposition
of a dyspeptic landlord, and
the heart of a traffic cop.

18
His brother-in-law, Charley
 - so lazy he gets up
 at four o'clock every
morning so he'll have a
 longer day to loaf.

19
Little Bobby - a child
  with a skin you 
  love to touch --
  with a strap.

20
"Oh, Mama dear, stay
and surprise Harold -
 he'll be SO happy!"

21
"Did the new car 
   come yet?"

22
"Mum's the word - it's
coming this afternoon
-- a surprise for the
        wife!"

23
"Little Bobby is here,
      isn't he?"

24
"And Charley is here,
     isn't he?"

25
"And Mother is here
  too, isn't she?"

26
"Oh, Harold, you've
broken our wedding 
present from Mama!"

27
"And you should 
know that Charley 
   has corns!"

28
"An' you ain't even 
got a necktie on!"

29
"Why don't you leave 
that kid at home and 
stay home with him?"

30
"-- and just think, dear,
fifty-nine more payments 
and its ours! Let's take
it out for a trial spin -
    just you and I!"

31
"Say! You ain't put 
your necktie on yet!"

32
"Whenever you see 
a traffic button like 
that -- always go 
   around it!"

33
"Sit tight, darling --
I'm going to make this
   Butterfly fly!"

34
"You'd better be careful 
    of speed cops!"

35
"Hey! Don't you know
swimmin' ain't allowed 
     in there?"

36
"It's a pity I couldn't 
enjoy this ride without 
having to take charge!"

37
"Mother, that veil looks 
much better on you 
than it does on me."

38
On the way home
 the silence was not
 broken -- it's the
only thing that wasn't.

39
"It's that mother-in-law 
of mine again! She
has a natural gift for 
    destruction."

40
"Let me tell you how to 
handle your mother-in-
law! I know all about
them -- and I have the
 scars to prove it."

41
"The ride made you
tired, Mama. Take
a nap while I get
     dinner."

42
"I've got a friend in the 
Police Department. I'll
call him up after supper
    and square it."

43
"-- and I tell you that no
home is big enough for two
families! Your married life
will never be happy until you
tell your mother-in-law to
 mind her own business!"

44
"I haven't the courage
-- I'd rather play tag 
     with a lion!"

45
"This stuff will give 
 you enough courage 
to face all the lions
 in Daniel's den!"

46
"Take a man's-sized 
drink! That much 
wouldn't give you 
enough courage to 
  face a flea!"

47
 "Say! Do you know 
the upkeep of a flask 
     like this?"

48
"Have you read this article
  about Mother's lecture
  at the Woman's Club?"

49
"Have your Mother
 see me at once."

50
"She's resting now.
You can see her at
dinner -- it will be
ready as soon as you
       are."

51
"I'm a doctor -- I got
 to put him to sleep
  so I can operate."

52
"Oh, Charley. Mama is
walking in her sleep
       again."

53
"I'm sorry you missed
my lecture at the
Woman's Club on the
 subject of drink."

54
"If your husband ever 
touched a drop of liquor,
I'd have you divorce 
  him immediately!"

55
"I believe I'll deliver my 
lecture against drink 
again for the benefit 
of those who need it!"

56
 "Now, young man,
your wife is going to
learn something about 
        you."

57
"I can't wake her up!
 She may be dying!"

58
"Carry her to the 
bedroom -- I'll
call a doctor!"

59
"Please don't die, Mother!
Don't - don't make me 
     a murderer!"

60
"You're all upset, Mama.
Stay with us tonight -
you can sleep in the 
spare room upstairs."

61
"Mama! Mama!"

62
"Quick - get some 
     arnica!"

63
"Charley! You're so stupid
    - that's ammonia!"

64
"Let's go to the movies."

65
"It's too late."

66
"Mama! Come back -
    come back!"

67
"Police headquarters."

68
"He's a brother-in-law 
of mine, and he didn't 
mean to do it. Do you
think you can fix it up?"

69
"It can't be done, eh?
Well, he'll have to take 
  the consequences."

70
"It's against the law 
to park a car in the 
  wrong direction."

71
"Don't try to get away!
     I've got you!"

72
"Ghosts, I tell you --
  ghosts! The house 
    is haunted!"

THE END