Don't Change Your Husband

1
This does not deal with the
 tread of victorious Armies,
nor defeated Huns - but is
just a little sidelight on the
inner life of Mr. and Mrs. Porter
- who found that they should
not have looked for their mar-
ital troubles with a Telescope
- but with a Microscope.

2
James Denby Porter, who,
 through complete absorp-
tion in his business, has
lost his Romance - and his
Waistline.

	Elliott Dexter.

3
Leila Porter, who finds her
 Husband's habits - after
several dull gray years of
matrimony - getting slightly
on her nerves.

	Gloria Swanson.

4
 "Keeps out the
moths, Dear!"

5
 "Jim, do you know 
what day tomorrow 
will be?"

6
"Thursday, the 19th."

7
 "I don't mean that -
doesn't tomorrow mean
anything - special?"

8
 "By Jove, I've got a note 
due at the First National -
glad you reminded me!"

9
"Toodles" Thomas who 
 believes in signs -
especially the Dollar Sign.

	Julia Faye.

10
Fortunately, the Guests at
 Leila's Wedding Anniver-
sary Dinner include:
The Bishop - Theodore Roberts.
Mrs. Huckney - Sylvia Ashton.
And unfortunately, the lat-
ter's Nephew, Schuyler
Van Sutphen - Lewis J. Cody.

11
"Jade?"

12
 "There's an Ancient Chi-
nese Tradition that when
two people drink from Jade
- their lives, thereafter,
will run in the same path!"

13
 "I'm afraid it couldn't 
be - the straight and 
narrow path!"

14
 "I knew you were expect-
ing Mr. Porter for dinner -
and thought I had better let
you know that he is very
busy at a meeting."

15
 "Mr. Porter has 
been detained -
we won't wait."

16
"Better Late than Never"
   - IF you haven't
forgotten your Wedding
Anniversary!

17
 "Bring me some 
onions!"

18
 "Very sorry - but
him asked for onions!"

19
With the Cordial.

20
 "To the Wedding
Anniversary!"

21
 "Secretary have 
come."

22
 "Leila - Jim regards you
a little too much like an
old shoe. Why not come
down to my place for the
week-end, and give him a 
chance to miss you?"

23
 "Sorry to have robbed 
you of the little gift, Bishop
- but I'll square it with a 
check for your Widows 
and Orphans!"

24
Hours later when 
 he wearily seeks 
his Bed -

25
And when, a little later,
 she magnanimously
decides to forgive him -
she bumps squarely into
a situation which has
baffled Womankind for 
Centuries!

26
"Snoring!"

27
Why is it that a Man who
 will run no risk with 
his Business - will run
every risk with his Wife?

28
 "I'm sorry, Dear, that
in the rush at the office,
I forgot our Anniversary
- but perhaps this will 
help some!"

29
 "It will be a nice 
change for you -
why don't you go?"

30
 "Pack my trunk, Marie
- I'll spend the week-
end with Mrs. Huckney."

31
Giving "Hubby"
 a Chance to
"Miss" her.

32
 "Mrs. Porter should
be here now - any
minute!"

33
"Comparisons are
   Odious."

34
 "Pack my bag - I'm
going to Mrs. Huckney's
in the morning!"

35
The Dangers of a Fancy
 Dress Ball lurk as in-
sidiously behind the merri-
ment as a Serpent under
Rose Leaves - its very
Romance is Temptation!
At least so discovered Van
Sutphen and Leila.

36
 "Come on up - the
Costumes for tonight
have come!"

37
 "How would I look 
as a King?"

38
 "If I were King - I'd bring
you three priceless Gifts:
 'Pleasure' - "Wealth" and
'Love' - and the first should 
be 'Pleasure'!"

39
 "Next, I would bring you the 
'Wealth' of the Universe:
 Chests of smoldering Rubies,
And Chains of virgin Pearls -
 Sapphires, blue as Midnight,
And Emeralds clear as light -
Shimmering Silks and Fabrics
 As soft as your own Curls! "

40
 "And lastly - I bring you
the greatest gift of all -
'Love'! Without which 'Pleas-
ure' and 'Wealth' are of no
avail!"

41
The safe refuge of his
 dependable Arms, at
this time, might have set
her worried heart straight
if only -

42
 "Onions, Jim -
how could you?"

43
 "I've just run down to 
take Leila back with 
me, tonight."

44
 "He can't take you 
home now - on ac-
count of the Ball!"

45
 "But I haven't any-
thing to wear!"

46
 "Here's a Costume that
will just fit you - why
not go as 'Folly'?"

47
"For the Apparel
 oft proclaims
the Man - "

48
 "Jim, tights were meant 
to be tight - don't you see
how Schuyler has his?"

49
The Dangerous Alchemy
 of a Pretty Woman -
and a Blind Husband.

50
 "No thoroughfare
- to 'Romeos'!"

51
 "With Love's Light
Wings did I o'erperch
these Walls!"

52
 "You sly old dog! Tell
me who she is - if I'm
to buy you a wedding 
present!"

53
 "I don't know where Leila 
is - but I'm like a fish out 
of water at a dance, and
I'm going up to bed."

54
 "Nothing on earth can
keep you from me, Leila
- not even yourself!"

55
The Cross Roads.

56
 "Why should you blame 
me for trying to get what
another man is too fond of
onions to try to keep!"

57
 "Jim, I know it will hurt 
you - but I can't stand this 
'corn beef and cabbage'
existence any longer!"

58
 "May I sleep in the
Blue Room, Dear - the
night is so close!"

59
The Open Cage.

60
 "I caught Schuyler with
the Goods last night - and
here's a Souvenir!"

61
 "What would you say,
Jim, if I were to tell you
that I'm desperately un-
happy - and that I want
my freedom!"

62
 "I love you, Leila - but
I won't hold you one
minute longer than you
want to stay!"

63
The Mind has a thousand 
                Eyes -
 The Heart but one!
Yet the Light of a whole life
                dies -
 When Love is gone!

64
 "Jim - a woman wants some-
thing besides mere personal
comfort! She doesn't want a 
man to bury himself in a news-
paper at every meal - nor to
allow himself to get soft and
fat - nor to kiss her invariably
after eating onions!"

65
Freed at last from the many 
 chains that bound her, and
married to her romantic "King 
of Dreams" - Leila finds that it
would have been much better
to cure those matrimonial ills
she had - than fly to others
that she knew not of.

66
 "Can't you find something 
to wear in the mornings, 
Leila, besides that queer 
Oriental junk?"

67
"At Thirty, Man suspects
     himself a fool -
 Knows it at Forty -
   And reforms his plan."

68
 "Perhaps you like
onions - better!"

69
To her dismay, Leila real-
 izes that the habits of
"Kings of Dreams" are as
bad - or worse - than
the "Garden Variety" of
Husband.

70 [interspersed with bars of music]
"If this be forgetting,

you're right, Dear - And

I have forgotten you then!"

71
 "If you're sure, Schuyler,
that this will really help
your business - I'll give
you the last of my jewels!"

72
The Eternal
   Feminine.

73
"Murray Hill 1132."

74
 "My old dress is so 
shabby, Schuyler, that 
I'm getting a new suit
- may I go as high as
$150.00?"

75
 "I'm sorry, Leila, but
I'm too hard up at this 
time - can't you let the 
dress go until a little
later?"

76
"Murray Hill 1132."

77
 "I'm over at the tailor's
- my clothes are posi-
tively in rags - and I've
got to have a new suit."

78
 "All right 'Toodles' -
you can have it!"

79
 "I've finally decided on
this one, Mr. Frankel.
Please charge it to my 
husband - Mr. Schuyler
Van Sutphen!"

80
Fate sometimes
 lurks in Christ-
mas Shopping.

81
 "It's good to see you, 
Leila! Can't I give you 
a lift home?"

82
"Old Wood to Burn -
  old Wine to Drink -
old Friends to Trust!"

83
 "Mr. Van Sutphen just
'phoned - and said not
to expect him for dinner,
as he has an important
business engagement!"

84
 "Why don't you return 
and dine with Mrs. Huck-
ney and me?"

85
The "Important Busi-
  ness Engagement".

86
Of those external forces
 which combine to make
us what we are, DRESS is
the most potent. It covers
our ideas no less than our
bodies - until we finally
become the thing we look 
to be.

87
 "Do you remember the 
Christmas I gave you those
cuff links, Jim - and how
I never could make you
dress up and wear them!"

88
 "You were a dear 
to remember that I
loved orchids!"

89
"Dinner is served."

90
 "Have you forgotten,
'Bingo', that day after
tomorrow is Christmas!""

91
 "That ring is going to be 
pawned to pull me out of 
a certain financial 'hole' -
but you can wear it for
tonight!"

92
 "The Gown - the Fan -
the Head-dress! All the
costume complete, ex-
cept the Ring - I miss
my solitaire, Leila!"

93
 "I'll tell you what's become 
of your solitaire, Jim: my
Nephew is in financial diffi-
culty - and Leila has given 
him her jewels!"

94
 "To think that I held
Paradise in my arms -
and didn't know enough 
to keep it!"

95
Seeking diversion from
 his wretched thoughts
- thoughts of a dead Yes-
terday - and a Forbidden
Woman.

96
 "If you want a good 
laugh, watch the dame 
with Van Sutphen - she's
cleaned him out!"

97
"I'll buy it!"

98
 "That ring doesn't belong 
to you - and I'm going to
see that this money reaches
the rightful owner!"

99
 "You'll come home to 
your wife for a little busi-
ness talk - or you'll find 
no wife when you get 
there!"

100
 "Some drop from a 
six carat diamond to 
a hundred dollar bill
- eh, 'Toodles'?"

101
Even Money.

102
 "I bumped into your hus-
band at the club, and pur-
chased your ring from him
- but he thinks you'd bet-
ter handle the money."

103
 "You thought you could
shake me, didn't you - well
you can't! I've come to get
some of that money - or
I'll spill the whole mess to 
the Papers!"

104
 "I figure that I've got 
something coming - and
I came here to get it!"

105
 "Don't misunderstand -
he owed you something -
and you are paid! He
promised me a few things,
too, such as Love and Pro-
tection - and he didn't pay!
Let's only one of us be 
cheated."

106
 "They're all alike, 
Dearie - you can't
trust any of 'em!"

107
 "Leila, if the time ever
comes that you change 
your mind - my home
and my name are waiting 
for you!"

108
 "Don't you think you've
done damage enough -
without sneaking in behind
my back and trying to
make love to my wife!"

109
 "Your trouble is your sense 
of humor - how about the
flowers you sent Leila when
she was my wife? You stole
her love from me - but I'm
going to try my damnedest to 
win it back!"

110
 "It isn't for you to say, 
Schuyler, what is - or is 
not - to be done! When
I have made up my mind 
- I shall let you know."

111
 "I'm not going to give you
a chance to brow-beat Leila
into making up her mind!
And what's more - I won't
leave this house until she
has made her choice!"

112
 "You need a little more 
practice, Young Man!"

113
 "I'm going to wire for 
your same old Suite -
at Reno!"

114
And with the Summer -
 she comes to learn that
"Many Waters cannot 
      quench Love -
Neither can the Floods 
      drown it!"

115
 "Do you know that if 
I were King - I'd bring
you three priceless Gifts:
'Pleasure' - "Wealth" and
'Love' - and the first 
should be 'Pleasure'!"

116
 "Jim - do you know 
what day tomorrow 
will be?"

117
 "Of course I know - it's
our Wedding Anniversary 
- we've been married a 
month, tomorrow!"

118
And now you know what 
 every Woman comes to
know - that Husbands, at
best, are pesky brutes; and
at worst - are unfit for 
publication!

       THE END.