The Affairs of Anatol

1
This is the story of a romantic Young
    Man who has a passion for sav-
  ing Ladies from real, or
imaginary, difficulties - always like Don
Quixote, with the most honorable intent.
  But the Wives of such chivalrous Men
are not so philanthropically interested in
saving Other Women's Souls - however
noble and sincere their Husband's impulses.

2
           And first among these 
             modern Knights, who
         start out with the best 
motives, in the firm belief that
their Wives should "trust" them
- is Anatol de Witt Spencer.

         WALLACE REID

3
"How much longer 
 have I got to wait
 for breakfast?"

4
"Madam says she
will be ready in
two minutes!"

5
       Anatol's little Bride,
           Vivian - who is so
            happy that she is
making the mistake of putting
too much Honey in the
Honeymoon.

    GLORIA SWANSON

6
"Did bad girl
keep her Papa
waiting?"

7
"Mush!"

8
"Let's not kiss any
more, dear, till
after breakfast!"

9
"Papa buckle
Baby's shoes!"

10
   But Anatol and Vivian
  are still in the matri-
monial Kindergarten - too
busy playing with "blocks", to
know that Life has staged
their first stern lesson in
a midnight cafe - called 
"The Green Fan".

11
           In Anatol's Primer "E"
            stands for Emilie, a
              bobbed-headed Jazz
Girl - who was, in the forgotten
days of the Eighth grade, his
little Sweetheart.

        WANDA HAWLEY

12
       Gordon Bronson -
        known Down Town,
as the Man of Iron - but
in "The Green Fan", as
the Man of Dough.

   THEODORE ROBERTS

13
"I just wanted to 
impress upon you, my
dear, that for you
the Red Rose has
thorns!"

14
          Fortunately, there is
            Max Runyon -
            Anatol's Friend and
"shock-absorber" - who is doing
his best to prevent the
Spencers' matrimonial Bark
from going on the Rocks.

    ELLIOTT DEXTER

15
"That's little Emilie
Dixon - I knew her
years ago in Pompton,
New Jersey. She was
as sweet as a flower
in those days!"

16
"Don't toast any of
your 'Apollos' in
my Haig and Haig!"

17
"I don't understand your
attitude! That child's
on the down grade -
and we've got to do our
best to pull her back!"

18
"Kewpie - this is 
my old friend Tony
Spencer! He used to
carry my school books
for me in Pompton."

19
"You must be doing 
awfully well on 
the stage!"

20
"You remember - I was just a
Small Town girl, trying to buck 
the City game! I couldn't get
work - and I'd pawned every-
thing I owned! He's a rich
theatrical 'backer' - and empty
stomachs and empty pockets
don't argue with a square meal
and a good job!"

21
"Don't hate me - help me.
I'm straight and decent -
but I'm playing a losing
game! You are so big 
and strong - you could
take me out of it all!"

22
"You gotta keep your
Temper - If you
want to keep your
         Husband!"

23
"There is a way out,
Little Girl: I'm married
to the sweetest woman
in the world - and
she will help you!"

24
"This young lady has 
placed herself in my 
care - and my wife 
and I will see her
home!"

25
"All right, Son, there's
no fool like a young
fool! Take her over to
your wife, and learn
how soft and tender
good women can be!"

26
"I want to save this 
little girl, dear, and
you must help me -
I told Bronson that
we'd take her home 
with us!"

27
"Will you kindly see
me home, Max - as
my husband seems
otherwise engaged!"

28
"I think, my dear,
you'll be ready now
to let me see you
home!"

29
"Go ahead with your 
rescue work, Son -
be noble, and educate
her! I'll come around in
a couple of months -
and pick up the pieces!"

30
"Your wife doesn't 
understand you very 
 well - does she?"

31
           But we wonder if He 
             would be quite so 
        eager to save her Soul
- if her Face were less pretty.
Or if She would be quite 
so eager to be saved - if his
Shoulders were less broad!

32
But saving and educating
   Young Ladies is
dangerous. And as time
goes on, it becomes a
question whether Emilie 
is to be saved - or
Anatol lost.

33
"As a 'Kreisler'
- I'll say you're
a piece of cheese!"

34
"It's Anatol!
Quick - hide
the cocktails!"

35
"To think of me, a pupil
of the great Blatsky
- trying to teach a
brainless cabbage, to
play the violin!"

36
"He looked so darn
sad in his tin suit,
that I trimmed him
with champagne corks
to cheer him up!"

37
"Go and get me
all the jewels that 
Bronson has given
you!"

38
Confession may add
to the wealth of 
the Soul - but it
is apt to impoverish 
the Jewel Box.

39
"If you are honest
- why did you
take these jewels?"

40
"I was dazzled by the
Fairyland of Wealth
that he painted - and
he even said that he
wanted to marry me!"

41
"If you want to prove 
to me that you're on 
the level - you'll
throw this rotten 
junk into the River!"

42
"If you're too greedy 
to give up these 
jewels - you forfeit 
my friendship right 
now!"

43
"Will you go with me 
now - and throw 
this stuff into the 
River?"

44
    "No sooner is a 
       temple built
      to God - But
     the Devil builds
a chapel hard by."

45
An hour later - the
   famous old "Bridge",
silent witness to Man's
ability and stupidity -
watches the solemn scene
of Emilie's "Purification".

46
"Don't open them, 
Tony, I might
weaken!"

47
"Now that I've done 
everything you've asked 
me to, won't you come 
up tonight - and talk
over my future?"

48
  A Woman demands 
   one thing when 
   she lets a Man 
rescue her Soul - 
and that is the gift 
of his Heart.

49
"You are the only 
jewel I have now, 
      dear!"

50
"It's all very fine for me
to give up everything
for you, isn't it? But
what are you going to
give up for me?"

51
"You're all I've got in the
world, Tony! You've taken
me away from all of 
my friends - don't you
think you owe it to me
to give her up?"

52
"I'll give you one 
more chance - will
you, or will you
not, divorce her?"

53
"Kewpie, you were right
- I'll never make a
High-Brow! So I'm giving
a little dinner tomorrow
night - and you can
come, if you come with
the right spirits!"

54
For Centuries the Moth has
been lured by the Flame
- and no amount of
moralizing can keep 
it from the
Blaze.

55
"If you don't mind, dear,
I'll take a run over to
see Emilie. We've had a
little misunderstanding
- and one shouldn't 
quarrel with old friends."

56
"I wonder, Max, why
I didn't marry a
nice sensible man,
like you!"

57
"And He learned
   about women
  from Her -"

58
"Let's drink to The Boobs
- the men who pin
their faith to pretty
cheats like you - and
get stung!"

59
"Don't take it so hard,
Son - you remember
I said I'd come 
back to pick up the 
pieces!"

60
"Ladies and Gentlemen
- I must ask you to 
leave, as my party is
about to commence!"

61
"You came back to 
pick up the pieces,
did you - well, I'm
going to give you
the chance!"

62
"Go ahead, Son, if
it amuses you -
they're all yours!"

63
"These belong in
   your Family 
     Album!"

64
"I'm going to give
you your last
music lesson!"

65
"What are you crying for - you've
saved your JEWELS! You can
show the world your crimson
Rubies - and a yellow streak!
Your square-cut Emeralds - though
you don't know the meaning of
square! Your blue white Diamonds
- though your Soul's as black as ink!"

66
"The pieces 
are yours!"

67
"Perhaps, my Dear -
your broken Heart
and Furniture, can
both be mended with
this little WEDDING
PRESENT!"

68
     The Bible tells us that
           when the Prodigal 
returned, it was his Father
who prepared the fatted calf
    - there is no mention of
           what his Wife did.

69
"If you ever see me 
trying to rescue any
woman again - for
heaven's sake, dear,
rescue me!"

70
      And all might have 
           gone well, if
Vivian hadn't determined 
to cure Anatol of Midnight 
Suppers - by substituting 
Afternoon Teas.

71
"I have a wonderful 
surprise for you! Mr.
Nazzer Singh, the world
famous Hypnotist, has
consented as a special
favor, to entertain us
this afternoon."

72
      Nazzer Singh, a
      Hindu hypnotist,
who talks little - and
thinks much.

   THEODORE KOSLOFF

73
"Which one of you 
 will consent to 
 be my subject?"

74
"Listen well to me!
Below you is a little
stream of water -
you must wade to
the other side!"

75
"Bring her out of this
   - my wife isn't
   in the habit of
undressing in public!"

76
"Let me take you away from
all this rotten, hypocritical
crowd! Let's go to some clean,
sweet place in the Country,
where people are honest
and decent - and find
ourselves again!"

77
"I'll go with you to the
country, Tony, if I can
be sure there'll be 
milk - but no milk-
maids!"

78
So Vivian, and a very self-
righteous Anatol, motor to the
Country - oblivious to the
fact that Destiny sits laughing
at them, from an old-fashioned
Farm House.

79
     Annie, the Farmer's Wife,
     who struggles constantly
  between her love for Pretty
 Clothes - and her love for a
Husband who believes in "saving".

         AGNES AYRES

80
           Abner Eliot, the
           Church Treasurer
         - who though proud
of his young Wife, believes
it more important to keep a
comfortable Roof over her
head - than a pretty Hat on it.

         MONTE BLUE

81
"I'm goin' to count the
Church money before
the meetin' tonight -
so jes' get me the key
to my strong-box."

82
"What have you done 
with the money they
trusted to me?"

83
"I didn't know it belonged 
to the Church, or I wouldn't
have taken it! Every time
I asked you for money, you
said it had to go for the
Farm - and I just wanted 
to look pretty for you, dear!"

84
"How can I face the
meetin' tonight and tell
'em my wife is a common
thief! Do you think
they'll forgive you -
because you look so pretty!"

85
"You can go where you
please. I'll take the 
blame before the meetin'
- and let them send
me to prison!"

86
"This is the real
life! No deceit or
hypocrisy here - only
beauty and purity
everywhere!"

87
"- and mosquitoes!"

88
      If you have ever
    applied "First Aid"
          from memory -
 then you know that the
Patient occasionally lives
in spite of your efforts!

89
"Don't do that
- you'll kill
her!"

90
"Don't do that -
you only raise the
feet for fainting
fits!"

91
"Don't do that
- that's for
colic!"

92
"Hold her tongue 
out - you always 
do that to keep
them from choking!"

93
"I know what you 
do for drowning
- you roll them
on a barrel!"

94
"She's no more drowned
than you are - I
saw her looking in
my mirror to fix 
her hair!"

95
"You've been mixed up
with that rotten, hypo-
critical City set so long
- that you don't know
a sweet, pure Country
Girl, when you see one!"

96
"I'll stay here and 
work with her -
you jump in the 
car and bring the
nearest doctor!"

97
"Be careful, Tony -
remember what I
said about milk-
maids!"

98
"Why, oh why, did
you save me -
I want to die!"

99
"No matter what the 
reason - a girl as
young and beautiful
as you are, has every
right to live!"

100
"If you're desperate -
and suddenly find, in
your hand, the thing
that will make you
happy - have you the 
right to take it?"

101
"Providing it injures
no one else - I think
you're entitled to
take your happiness
where you find it!"

102
"You will forget me -
but I shall never forget 
you! What a lucky
girl the woman will
be who marries you!"

103
"I cured her, Doc
- I used 'first 
aid'!"

104
"Yes, I saw you."

105
"But you must let 
me reimburse you 
for your trouble!"

106
"Isn't there any place
in the world, where
  a man can find
honesty and loyalty?"

107
"I've found, my Boy,
through long experience,
that Honesty and
Loyalty - like Charity
- generally begin at
home!"

108
"Greetings, brothers!"

109
"Didn't do nothin'
 wrong, did ye?"

110
"I tried to kill myself
- but a kind old
man saved me! I told
him all my troubles,
exactly as if I had been
his daughter - and I got
the money from him!"

111
"That kind old man 
must have been an 
angel sent to help 
us."

112
There may be great
  joy in Heaven
over one Sinner
that repents -
but Anatol is not in
Heaven.

113
"Wives - as well as
Worms - can turn,
and this time I'm
through!"

114
"You're not community
property! I'll share my
purse, and my food,
and my home - but
I'm through sharing you!"

115
"I give you fair warning
if you don't unlock
this door - I'll go out
and find a way to forget!"

116
"Get out my dress
clothes - I'm going
out to paint the
Gay White Way a
little redder!"

117
"My lowest gown - my
highest heels, Marie!
If there's room for
husbands on the Gay
White Way - there's
room for wives!"

118
"I'll wear these, Marie
- Men have only 
one religion - they
worship the Golden
Calf!"

119
               Anatol finds
                the "way to
forget" at a certain famous
Roof - where the entertain-
ment provided, makes the
Feasts of Babylon look
like a Cafeteria!

120
"I don't allow anybody
back stage, Tony -
but I'll introduce you.
Though I warn you -
you're 'playing with
fire'!"

121
   Satan Synne
      For whom a Rich Man
       broke the Market -
   A Good Man broke
    his Word -
A Young Man broke
 his Heart.

BEBE DANIELS

122
"I'm glad to meet the
most talked of woman
in New York - but
I wonder if you're as
wicked as you pretend 
to be."

123
"The world has always 
had it mixed - the
devil's not a man, but
a WOMAN! That's what
every woman knows 
- but doesn't tell!"

124
"I'm not the type of 
girl for a little boy
like you to play with!
The place for you 
is home!"

125
"Phone Staines right
away to get Dr.
Johnston at any
cost!"

126
"You know - I've
decided I rather 
like the lines of 
your back!"

127
"Tonight!"

128
"The Devil's Cloister"
   - where eager 
young devotees go to
worship Satan Synne.

129
"That's the heart
of a Fool - who
thought he knew
Women!"

130
"That's the soul
of a man who
took all - and
gave nothing!"

131
"Wormwood -
insidious as the
lying eyes of
women!"

132
"It's the Devil's 
sleeping potion -
which puts man's
memory to sleep!"

133
"We succeeded in get-
ting Doctor Johnson
- he is operating 
now - we'll phone
the moment it's over!"

134
"What's the matter
    - scared?"

135
"I don't quite 'get'
you - what is your
real reason for
asking me here
tonight?"

136
"I'll tell you - are
you game enough 
to loan me three
thousand dollars - and
ask no questions?"

137
"This is a very large 
amount of money -
perhaps you wouldn't
mind telling me who
shares this apartment
with you."

138
"What! A married 
man afraid of a
leopard?"

139
"We've finished the 
operation - but I
regret to say his
heart is very weak,
and you mustn't be 
surprised if -"

140
"Her husband hasn't much
chance! The shrapnel pierced
both lungs! I'm sorry, for
she's put up a great fight
for him. She's had the
best surgeons in the country
- though God knows how
she got the money!"

141
"He's my Husband, my
Sweetheart - and I
love him. I'd sell 
my soul - if that
would save his life!"

142
"Now that the war is 
over, nobody remembers
him any more - except
me! And I can't see
him die - I can't!"

143
"If this is what 
they call the gay 
life - I'm going 
back to my wife!"

144
  The great Play-
    wright, TRUTH
   - always shows
in some Fifth Act,
the purpose of the 
Play.

145
The next morning,
 Anatol realizes that
the bitterest draught
a man can drink
- is his own
Medicine.

146
"You're not in the habit
of allowing me to
question you, when
you come in - and I
reserve the same
privilege!"

147
"Tony, I hope you aren't
going to make a fool
of yourself! Vivian
only looks on me as
your oldest friend -
she's the most loyal
little wife in the world!"

148
"You'd say the same
thing if she hadn't
   been loyal -
  wouldn't you?"

149
"Last night I came back, Vivian,
to tell you that I was sorry
- and that you were the
only thing in the world I
wanted! And what do I find
- a wife who returns at
9 o'clock in the morning,
and refuses to tell where
she's been!"

150
"It's remarkable, isn't
it - how tight a
shoe can pinch, when
it's on the other 
foot!"

151
"Vivian, unless you
tell me where you
were last night - I'll
know you're guilty!"

152
"You will pardon this 
early call, but I am
leaving tonight for 
India - and I wish 
to say good-bye."

153
"Can you hypnotize my
wife again - and
make her answer me
truthfully, a question
that means our life's
happiness?"

154
"I'm going to learn 
the truth, Max -
if it smashes the
three of us!"

155
"You shall answer truth-
fully, a certain question
  which your husband
  will ask you - and
 wake at his bidding!"

156
"If you insult your wife
by asking her if she is
true to you - you will
never forgive yourself
- and she will never 
forgive you!"

157
"Vivian, have you
 been - have you
 been - ?"

158
"Vivian, dear, I
trust you! Wake
up - and kiss me!"

159
All of which goes to prove, that -
    There is so much good 
       in the worst of us,
    And so much bad 
       in the best of us,
    That it ill behooves 
                any of us,
    To talk about 
       the rest of us.

           THE END