justone2

1. The funniest thing I've heard in months... the image that's been causing me laughing fits lately... the magic of James Hetfield's admission in the April issue of Playboy that he has, on occasion, thrown Lars Ulrich into his drumkit! Who deserves it more than that tennis-playing, blow-snorting megalomaniac? No one, that's who. Ladies and gentlement... pure comedy gold.

2. Stevie Nicks. Will there ever be another woman in music as cool? Probably not. I keep hoping, though. Will the answer come to me if I listen to "Gold Dust Woman" and "Edge of Seventeen" enough times? Probably not... but I don't care.

3. A house. I want a house. I want a house. I. WANT. A. HOUSE!
I'm not asking for much: three bedrooms, two baths and a big backyard. In San Pedro. Anywhere between Paseo Del Mar, 14th Street, Gaffey Street and Western Avenue. That's a pretty broad area, folks. See? I'm flexible. I'm tired of smelling my neighbors' dinner through the walls while I'm in the bathroom. And I miss the ocean, damn it! I am ready to retire from the city. Yes, I'm old before my time. Yes, I'm becoming more and more complacent. But you know what, wise guy? I'm okay with that.

4. I've managed to keep my hair at/close to its real color for more than a year now. That's a record! What's more astounding is that I'm not annoyed by it. Please see reference to "complacent" above.

5. Not like I'm saying anything new here, but garment makers? Can we have a word? Listen, I love you. Without you I'd be naked. But can we please agree on sizing? Why does my clothing size vary between three different numbers? Aside from humbling me far more than I'm comfortable with, it confuses the hell out of me.

6. Why must small children count loudly everyplace I go lately? Whilst out shopping recently there were two different sets of children who did this. One set was in the bathroom stall with their mommy, who was saying things like, "Elena, please give me some paper!" while Elena and her sister were chanting, "ONE-a, TWO-a, THREE-a..." loudly, and reached fourteen before Mommy stopped them. The other duo was just kickin' it with their mom, counting happily, and were shushed right away. Thank God. Listen, kids: on Sundays, sometimes the best thing to do when you're at the store is be quiet and let the nice lady with the hangover shop peacefully.

7. There's a videogame Roger's into these days called Onimusha. It's really beautifully done-- the CGI is amazing and overall there's a very epic feel about it. But what freaks me out is that the main character is the spitting image of our friend Scott. It's uncanny. I'm talking Mr.-Sparkle-and-Homer-Simpson uncanny! Maybe Scott should call Japan and find out what happened. Maybe, like in the Mr. Sparkle episode, it's as simple as a fish and a lightbulb being brought together.

8. How long have I had crow's feet? Because I just noticed them two days ago. Seriously. How long have they been there? Who's been keeping this information from me?

9. I'm going to go ahead and come out of the moustache closet. I like them, okay? There. I know those of you who knew me in high school have an entirely different idea, so screw you... that's not what I mean. They're cool in a shady, porn-star kind of way (see Sean Penn in the April issue of JANE) as well as in an old-fashioned-rogue kind of way (see Sean Penn in the April issue of JANE). Fun sidenote: the very first zine I did included a rant called "The Moustache: A Vehement Disapproval." Make your words nice and sweet, kids... you never know when you might have to eat 'em.

10. The Doors. Again.

Previously, on Just One Of Those Things...