Emerging Courageous Online Magazine

I think I must have had an angel watching over me. I, like a butterfly, had to learn to come out of my cocoon and learn how to live.

I was a single mother and in l979, I married a man who I thought would take care of me and my daughter and we all would live happily ever after.

It might have worked that way but my husband and I walked into the world of alcohol and drugs and things rapidly went from my dreams to my nightmares.

A lot of what happened to me was the hidden world of abuse...the emotional and mental abuse. If you are a survivor like me, then I don't really need to go into details. My self-esteem virtually vanished and I felt that I was "nothing" and I had no where to go and no reason to live.

Gradually the abuse started to flare into the physical. I was shoved into the walls, slammed into doors, flung across the room and had my arms grabbed and twisted. I remember the worst time was when he had his hands wrapped around my throat and started squeezing. That was the day I started fighting back.

I finally sold everything I had and took my daughter and our son and moved into my van. We lived on the streets for awhile. I did the usual cycle of leaving and coming back. I still wasn't strong enough to think I could survive on my own.

An old friend, the father of my daughter, finally took us in and we moved to Hawaii with him in December of l994. It was there that I finally learned how to live clean and sober. My recovery date is 7Jan95. I still had a lot to learn though.

In March of l995, I went back to my husband...AGAIN. We got to the house and there was no electricity and no gas. I remember sitting and crying and wondering just how stupid I could be.

The next morning, I went looking for a home and by the grace of God, we stumbled into a lovely house. I remained separated from my husband for two years and then I moved to Missouri and became gainfully employed. Things were finally starting to look up!

You got it. Once again, I decided to give him a chance. He had been clean for a year less than me and I thought that maybe we could work things out. After all, we had a lot of history and time involved.

I moved back to California and in with him. It really went well at first. He wasn't on drugs any more but he was drinking a lot. He wasn't violent any more and never committed any type of abuse on me again.

The difference was with me. I may have forgiven him for the past, but I found I could never forget it! He would come home late from work after drinking with his buddies and I could sense his footsteps were hitting the floor a little harder than the norm. Flashback! I would find myself cringing in reaction to triggers from the past.

I took it for a year and a half before I decided that enough was enough and I HAD to do what was right for ME. I moved out again on April 1st, 2000. (Kind of ironic, the date, eh?)

I have been lonely. Sure, that is a fact. But I have also never been happier in my life! I am safe! I am in charge of my own destiny! I can go anywhere and be anyone I want to! Today I am somebody and somebody that I can be proud of!

If you find yourself in a situation like mine or worse, please try to believe that there is a way out! Please believe that you too, are someone who is worthwhile! There is help out there for you! Check your local phone books for help. You are not alone in this!

*Write Denise and let her know what you think about her experience. [email protected]