Emerging Courageous Online Magazine – Stories
"My life is but a
weaving between my Lord and me," penned an unknown poet in "The
Weaver". The third and fourth verses read: "Not until the loom
is silent/and the shuttles cease to fly/shall God unroll the canvas and explain
the reason why/ the dark threads are as needful in the weaver's skillful hand/as
the threads of gold and silver/in the pattern He has planned." I understand
dark threads. I've had many in my life.
No starry-eyed bride imagines her beloved
any different than she pictures him as she says, "I do." She cannot
see how mental illness can insidiously affect every aspect of life, choking out
hope and joy, strangling relationships. No mother lovingly holding her newborn
baby can anticipate the heartache of a wayward child. Yet these things happen.
My goal was to have a happy home and Christian
marriage, but within the first six years of marriage, I discovered it wasn't
working. At first I tried to apply what I read in the "how to be happily
married" books, but my husband was often feeling down, his dark moods
showing up as anger. Wasn't I trying hard enough to be a good wife? By this time
we had two children.
We had times of genuine happiness, but the dark
moods showed up more frequently as the years went on. At times it seemed as if I
were living on a roller coaster, which really left me puzzled. What was
happening? I honestly didn't know.
On our sixteenth wedding anniversary my husband
told me he was leaving me. He expected his family to make him happy, but he just
wasn't happy, so we must be his problem. He wanted to get away from us, but was
too confused to figure out a way to do it, so it never happened. Months later,
his doctor gave him medication for depression, which helped greatly for a while.
A few years later our teenage son went through a
rebellious stage. Struggling with anger and depression, he tried to drop out of
school several times each year of high school. I was caught in the middle as the
peacemaker between a confused, angry son and a depressed husband. I wrote in my
journal, "My heart aches—for a son struggling to grow up, for a father
who doesn't understand him at all, for a son who hates his father for not
understanding him, for a father who hates his son for hating him."
One time I remember wanting to stand on a high
hill somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs. Not that it would help the
situation any, but it was an expression of the unbearable, mind-numbing
emotional pain I was feeling.
During those difficult times, I turned to the
Lord. I poured my heart out in my journal, sometimes writing prayers, sometimes
just recording the pain. At other times my cries to God were wordless. Tears
seldom came, but often I felt numb.
In the midst of all of this, the Lord brought
wonderful, encouraging friends. Sometimes we would talk, at other times my
friends would just let me talk while they listened. They always let me know they
were praying for me. One special friend would send me a card every few weeks
with a caring note inside. She would clip out encouraging poetry that she
would put into her cards. I taped every one of those cards into my journal,
which became a much more like a scrapbook.
"I want so much to lovingly assure you that
my husband and I care and we hurt with you," my friend wrote in one of her
cards. "The Lord knows how much we can take and knows our breaking point.
You'll surely be refined as gold when you see His answers and until then keep on
trusting Him." What a blessing her encouragement was to me!
The Lord constantly brought reassurances to me
through His Word as well. The Bible says, "The Lord is near to the
brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit"
(Psalms 34:18 NIV) and "When I am afraid I will trust in you" (Psalms
56:3 NIV). It also says that He will never leave us or forsake us: "The
LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor
forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy
31:8). The Lord has proved those promises over and over again in my life.
So what has happened to my family over the years?
With a lot of prayer and prodding, our son finished high school in 1997. Last
year he graduated from a university with high honors, and holds a full-time job.
My husband was finally diagnosed with bi-polar
mood disorder in 1997, which explained why I felt as if I were living on a
roller coaster. He is doing much better now that he is on a proper balance of
medication, which is monitored monthly. It's a lifetime illness, so life will
always be challenging. He has always been able to hold a job, for which I am
thankful.
Our daughter has been a bright spot throughout
the difficult years. The Lord has brought much healing to all of us in the past
few years and has united us as a family in a way I never thought would be
possible.
And what about me? I still journal, but the
frantic prayers and deep emotional pain no longer fill the pages. As I look back
over the past years, the words "commitment" and
"perseverance" have taken on a personal meaning for me in my life and
marriage. I thank the Lord for His goodness and what He has brought us through.
He has taught me many things and now is allowing me to encourage others who are
going through similar difficulties.
The tapestry of life will bring more dark threads
in the future, but I know God is with me. He gives me grace for the
journey—one day at a time.
© Janet Seever 2003
*Janet
Seever lives in Calgary, Alberta, with her husband of 28 years. She wants
readers to know that the Lord can provide hope in situations that feel hopeless.
You can reach her at: [email protected]
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