Emerging Courageous Online Magazine

Emerging Courageous Online Magazine - Stories

"Healing Hands" by Jane Ludwig

I have always been afraid of death and dead people. The first person close to me to die was my father. He died of cancer and it is one of the worst memories I have. Like you said you had to watch the disease take over.

After he died my mom and I didn't get along. I was only 16 and she was only 34 with 7 kids. I didn't know how to handle his death and didn't understand then that neither did she. I moved in with my grandmother for awhile and was extremely close to her. Soon after that I got my own apartment. I talked to her everyday and went for dinner every Sunday.

I was out when a friend of mine came looking for me to tell me she died. She had phlebitis and a blood clot must have separated. She told my grandfather she was sick to her stomach and went up to lay down. When he went to check on her she had died. I was inconsolable. I could barely function. I felt like I had no one.

The night of her funeral is still to this day a blur. I went to the coffin and would not leave from it the entire night. My grandfather was a very hard person during that time and I was an embarrassment to him that night in front of his friends. I had taken her flowers every Sunday and I put a rose in her coffin and he didn't want it there. Nothing would move me away from her though.

As the night wore on I just got worse and worse. I knew I would have to leave soon and I didn't think I would be able to do it. I had never cried as much as I did then. I had always believed in God but never really thought about him. I did something I never thought I would be able to do......I put my hands over hers and just held her hands. I can feel the tears and goose bumps coming as I write this. All of a sudden her hands were warm and I felt peace going through them to me. I know a lot of people don't believe it could have happened but I swear it did. They said I made her hands warm by rubbing them for so long. Can you warm a dead body? I don't think so. I will never believe anything but that it was a message from God. I was able to stop crying and even though it still hurt very much I was able to get through the rest of that night and the burial the next day. Without the sign from God I honestly don't know if I would have made it through the burial.

God has been good to me and I feel like I have to find a way to give back some of that goodness. I am not perfect...far from it. I get mad and am short tempered sometimes......but I try my best to be a good person and do what I can for others. I think my cause now will be to help Sharon and Angels Remembered as much as I can. I would never have gotten involved if it were not for looking for some way to honor Angel's memory. For all the good that has come from Angel her death will never be in vain.......her memory will go on forever.

Jane Ludwig copyright 2001 [email protected]

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