Emerging Courageous Online Magazine

Cancer---Like A Bad Dream by Nell Berry

Nearly two years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I cannot say I was not shocked, but somehow I did not take it seriously. Even after the diagnosis was confirmed and the prognosis given, I was still not quite convinced. I guess I thought it was not real and I was having a bad dream or something, because I continued to go through it like a sleepwalker.

Finally the day came when my lumpectomy was scheduled and the only emotion I experienced was that of disbelief. The whole thing was unreal to me. I went through the surgery with a feeling that I would soon wake up and find it was all a bad dream.

The first day of radiation was 9/11/01. I learned of the terrorist attack on the television at the cancer clinic. We watched with horror as it unfolded, scene by horrible scene of devastation. My heart broke.Then the radiation therapy began and, believe me, it was real. At first, it was not painful. So, I thought I was getting off rather easy. After several treatments, it began to burn, not a burning feeling, but a very red inflammation, such as a scalded area of the skin. Then pain, not unlike a severe sunburn. The pain was primarily, underneath my breast, where no air could get to it. I really became concerned, because it was very red and inflamed, then it began to blister and the skin was coming off on my clothing. I was applying the gel recommended, which was supposed to soothe and help it to heal. But it seemed to get worse.

Finally, the technicians told me not to wear clothing around the house, so the burn would heal. But nothing seemed to help. I was really getting upset. I began to cry a lot and my husband did not know what to do for me.

Desperate, I asked my son, who is a doctor, how I could let it get air. He told me to get down on the floor on hands and knees and allow my breast to swing freely (which conjured up a very amusing picture) for up to ten minutes at a time. Several times a day. I thought at first he was joking and I laughed, weakly. He said, “I’m serious, Mom”. So, since I was desperate, I did as he suggested and voila, in a couple of days, it began to heal and the pain lessened. There was still pain from the surgery, but the burn was healing, slowly. Thank God for my son.

It has been nearly two years since I took radiation treatments and I still have some pain. But the thing I was most concerned about was the color of the skin around the nipple. It was un-natural and just reminded me of dead skin. The doctors told me it would return to normal in a number of months, maybe a year. Also the skin color was un-natural and the area around the nipple was not natural in appearance. It still has not returned to normal completely. Those are the unpleasant aspects of undergoing cancer surgery and radiation.

While going through this experience, I was almost convinced not to have the radiation. Then my son Nathan, who is a man who loves the Lord, and lives his faith, said to me, “Mom, there are a lot of people watching you.” Meaning I should be an example and show some courage. From that time on, I did not hesitate to take the radiation therapy. But there were a lot of people praying for me and I know, without prayer, I couldn’t have made it.

My son also said to me, “Think of the blessings you have because of the cancer. You are getting to spend more time with your son and grandchildren.” My husband and I were staying with our son while I was taking radiation. “And,” he went on, “the Lord has allowed you to meet Lucy”. Lucy is a Chinese girl who is staying with them while she goes to college. She hopes to become a bookkeeper or accountant and go back home and help her family. It is a blessing, just being around her. She is a new baby Christian and she is very dedicated to the Lord. So, I just thank God for the many blessings I received because of my cancer and for my son, who is also a blessing and for meeting Lucy. I also want to thank God for those who were praying for me. Prayer works.

I am a 72 year old mother of four, grandmother of nine. My husband and I just celebrated our 53rd anniversary. It has not been the proverbial bed of roses. But we've made it and we still love each other. Both of us have changed, but I like to hope we have changed for the better. We live on a 58 acre farm in Missouri, since 1992. My husband is an avid fisherman, duck hunter, and craftsman. He really is the proverbial (I like that word) "Jack of all Trades". He practically gutted and rebuilt our 100+ year old farm house. He can do electricity, plumbing, carpentry and the whole bit. Since we retired, he has spent a good deal of time fishing. He has had two heart attacks, the last one almost 4 years ago which resulted in triple by/pass surgery. But he is still going strong at 72. He will be 73 on Halloween and I will be on next Valentine's Day. Great combination!! My hobbies are sewing, crocheting baby blankets for a ministry called Children of the Heart, headed by Betty Bailey in Witchata, Kan. I also love to cook, and my greatest past time is writing, poems/songs and now short stories.

Nell Berry [email protected]

***