Emerging Courageous Online Magazine

Emerging Courageous Online Magazine - Poetry

Despondent by Marilyn Dixon Pfanstiel

Why am I so despondent?
Why do I feel like a lost soul?
Am I sabotaging myself? My new career?

I have many talents, many abilities:
Hard worker, sensitivity, compassionate, loving, caring.
But I can’t bear suffering to try to eliminate it
Even if others must suffer to travel their own journey

Within a few hour a sore throat develops into sinusitis, then bronchitis.
I stuff myself with food, craving sweets & gorging them,
Which I agonize over the weight I will put on
And the depression that follows.

I want to scream, to shout, to pull my hair out.
I was so devastated a few days ago,
I wasn’t sure I could (or would) think rationally
While I was thinking destructive thoughts.

I always thought I was a fighter
But I feel like a quitter…
Just wanting to give up…Why?
What am I really afraid of?

I’ve got to change…something…I’m not sure what…
I can’t exist in this frame of mind…
It’s tearing me apart…
What do I need to do to have that peace of mind?
What is missing?
How can I stop the physiological problems?

Severe chronic back ache,
Weakened immune system leading to recurrent bronchitis
And the depression and panic attacks.
How can I stop the cycle?

I’ve got to get my strength from within…
God, give me strength.
Protect me with the light – the Universal Energy…
I shall rest and gather strength.

Marilyn Dixon Pfanstiel
Nov. 13, 1996
[email protected]

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