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12.03.2001
The old ram stands looking down over rockslides, stupidly triumphant. I blink. I stare in horror. "Scat!" I hiss. "Go back to your cave, go back to your cowshed--whatever." He cocks his head like an elderly, slow-witted king, considers the angles, decides to ignore me. I stamp. I hammer the ground with my fists. I hurl a skull-size stone at him. He will not budge. I shake my two hairy fists at the sky and I let out a howl so unspeakable that the water at my feet turns sudden ice and even I myself am left uneasy. But the ram stays; the season is upon us. And so begins the twelfth year of my idiotic war.
The pain of it! The stupidity!
Grendel, by John Gardner
I'm reading Grendel, a most fabulous book. I first read it in high school. Unfortunately, but altogether too fortunate, I read a lot of books in high school that, at the time, I couldn't fully appreciate. But the introduction was fascinating enough to lure me to read them again after I learned how to read. I love this book, and suggest you all read or re-read it. In line after this is Sundog, by Jim Harrison, and the first part of The Lord of the Rings, by J. R. R. Tolkien, both of which I have never read.
Jon and I had a fantastic weekend. The weather was nice and in our favor. Friday night we watched Hearts in Atlantis. Jon was slightly disappointed that it didn't make him cry or even feel like crying. We made up for that on Saturday night when we went to see Life as a House. I love Kevin Kline. We watched Ordinary People starring Judd Hirsch, Mary Tyler Moore, Donald Sutherland, and Timothy Hutton (who was absolutely fantastic). It was a great movie to watch. Jon and I were both pleased to have rented it.
The weekend did have its downside. One downside. The only reason I decided I wasn't going to grad school right away was because I was sick of struggling. I hated having multiple jobs while going to school full time and somehow, no matter how hard I tried, always leaving the month with unpaid bills and loans, asking friends or family for help. It was ridiculous and always left me feeling down, depressed, and lacking. Since graduating, I didn't expect the first few months of a new life would be easy. I had to crawl out of the deep hole I had created while studying my ass off (not that Phi Beta Kappa is really paying off; it's nice to have, but sheesh--I don't feel any reward). But I did expect that the pressure would lessen and life would be swimmingly good.
What dreams we still dream even after we've seen the real life.
I make shit for money. I'm broke at the end of every month and it isn't because I spend my money frivolously. I don't. I pay for my rent, phone, car, sometimes insurance, my dentist appointments (my teeth are still KILLING me) and my groceries. In the end, I have less than $100 for two weeks to go to movies, rent movies, buy a book and worst of all: make Christmas gifts.
Jon could see something was wrong with me. He asked. I told him. The problem lies not in having to live paycheck to paycheck, grasping nickels by week's end; it lies in the fact that job is neither enjoyable nor rewarding enough to make me feel at all okay about not having the money. The job should provide me with some sort of satisfaction if it isn't going to provide me with enough money.
I always feel terrible about quitting a job and the work load is beginning to pick up, but I need more options. I don't want to take on a second job, because as Jon has pointed out, it will only create more stress. What I need is another job that, if it doesn't pay more, is at least rewarding, and if not rewarding, at least pays more. I can't continue to not only not enjoy my days at work, but feel stressed about my life because I have to borrow two dollars to see a movie at the cheap seats.
And so it goes.
Name that book.
I have begun my other journal for private entries. A link to this journal will be provided on my main page, but I will post when an update has been made in this public journal. If you don't know me, you are welcome to read it. You will need to email me for the passcode. If I haven't communicated with you before, I have to somehow validate that you aren't some sneaky relative hoping to read my secret entries (I do indeed have people in my family who I think are capable of this nonsense). So it would be best if you had a journal of your own, or some other form of web identification. I mean no disrespect if I can't tell you my passcode because I don't trust that you are indeed a stranger.
How funny that I'll only give my secret passcode to strangers!!
All comments regarding this "secret" journal are welcome. Indeed, if it seems I need some sort of encouragement or advice, feel free. It's always easier for me to accept such kindness from strangers rather than people I know. For some not-so-clear and surely psychologically defunct reason, I feel any person I know who is giving me advice is somehow being either pushy, rude, or insulting. I don't know why. I think because the people I do like know not to give advice unless I ask. Those relatives who I don't know: they hand it out like free candy buttons in a penny store. (??) Journal readers, however, it's simple. No offense is usually taken if I don't write back. But I do anyway. It's all appreciated. And the voluntary action of emailing a person you don't know in order to help them out is something that should always be appreciated: complete strangers who like you that much!
JPR has finally updated her journal.
Be well, my friends. And read Grendel. You won't be disappointed. Peace!
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currently reading:
Grendel, by John Gardner
Two Queens in One Isle
projects:
My sister is bringing the fragment blanket pattern I left at my mother's. I'll finish that in about two weeks. I'm finishing the strap on the tote bag. And a fantastic idea: 100% cotton, crocheted placemats!
mood of the day:
I'm tired, but spiritually feeling great
I have a wish list
John Gardner, Grendel
I understood that the world was nothing: a mechanical chaos of casual, brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. I understood that, finally and absolutely, I alone exist. All the rest, I saw, is merely what pushes me, or what I push against, blindly--as blindly as all that is not myself pushes back. I create the whole universe, blink by blink. --An ugly god pitifully dying in a tree!
I am grateful for:
1. books
2. chocolate
3. coworkers
4. appointment books
5. library basements
You can read the full details below and get the elusive "why."
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