Alice is a good friend. She tells me things she knows may make me react in a way I would not want strangers to see. Not that I'd break down or need someone, but that an initial reaction tells people more about us than our reserved "Um, yeah. I already know this" face. Alice helps me save face.
Alice was told that my ex-boyfriend (dated two years, were best friends for five before that) has gotten engaged. Why would she want to tell me rather than somebody else? Well because 1) she's my friend. And because 2) she understands the femalian (a word?) implications of such an event and the various faces this can produce.
Alice and I met in a funny sort of way. She was dating J who worked at a local college. I was dating M who worked with J at this same college. Alice and I did not know each other, but we knew each other's boyfriend's.
At the time, I was becoming frustrated with M's lack of want for more life. I wanted to see things, go out, learn to dance, all that good "live a little" stuff that people tend to do. Unbeknownst to me, Alice wanted to do these same things. One day, J and M were talking about their annoying girlfriends and how they keep bugging the boys about going out. They came up with the idea to introduce us--"to get you out of our hair" (direct quote by M).
Alice and I first met wearing bikinis. Not our outfits of choice. She was reading A Secret History, by Donna Tartt (later given to me as a gift--woohoo!). Turns out, we liked each other (and each other's bikinis) and felt the same way about shaving for such beach activities.
After a while, we decided to have dinner nights. Every Thursday or Tuesday (can't remember now), one couple would provide dinner and we'd meet. Alice and I loved the idea and the boys seemed to be in that "aw, our women are so cute" kind of mode. No matter: we were having fun (Alice makes killer yellow rice and we both kick ass when it comes to pesto pizza).
I finally learned something amidst the hub-bub of trusting-a-girl-having-a-real-friend. M and I weren't working out the way I wanted. Eventually, after much angst and long talks with Alice, I broke up with him. Sad for me and especially hard to do because he truly was the greatest friend I'd ever had. He was very fun to be around and we had a great time. But it was lost when he was my boyfriend. I missed the attention and love I felt from him when we were friends. It took me forever to break up with him (sick every day for three weeks--we lived together too) because I didn't want to lose his friendship. When I finally did, he assured me this wouldn't happen.
It happened. I've spoken to him only once or twice since then (we broke up in fall of 1999), the last time being about February of 2000.
Alice told me today that he's engaged. This makes me feel a number of ways:
1. Sad. I was always hoping that we could somehow still work out being friends. I knew this would have to happen before he found someone to be with because it's easier to patch a friendship and then have this story to tell later: "We've been friends since forever. We dated once, but it didn't work out." But once he was to find that other person, you can't say, "Well, I'd really like to try to be friends with her again. I hope you understand." And trust me: he wouldn't want to risk an argument. So I now know that our chances of being friends again are virtually nil. Which sucks, cause I miss his company and sense of humor.
2. Pissed. For reasons I can't really explain, it makes me a bit angry. I worked hard trying to get him to open up, to stop referring to our relationship as so unstable ("but what if we aren't together anymore?"--ALL THE TIME). He fought me every step of the way. He was one of those guys who didn't really face the root of the problem, but instead just wanted to hurry up and fix it. He'd say anything to make it go away. Plus, he could never make up his mind. He loved me one month and two months later, wasn't sure if he ever did. I tried to give him room and time. After breaking up, he let loose how his mind was working and it was understandable. I felt terrible for him cause he realized things I only wish he realized sooner. But by then, I knew we couldn't be a couple. Now, he's found someone and is most likely open with her and even worse: is sure of their stability.
Yes. This is great for him. Obviously, we weren't meant for each other in that capacity because once unsure, always unsure. However, there's still that girl feeling inside that says, "I taught him that and she's reaping the rewards." All bullshit, of course. But, like he always said, I'm such a girl.
3. Jealous. I'm very happy with Jon and am so glad I realized how bad my relationship with M was cause it lead me to Jon. However, there's still that stick in a girl's back that says, "Bitch!" whenever her exes get married. Can't help it. It's something that plopped itself into our evolutionary changes. Someone got hurt bad and wants the rest of us girls to suffer the consequences.
I wasn't going to post today cause I just feel awful. Therapy this morning, don't you know. Starting the day off crying at 8 a.m. does not prepare me to face the work day. So I've been messing around with my main page and IM'ing my sister.
Anyway, thank you, Alice, for helping me save face. It's all good. It's not a slap in the face or anything because really: I'm happy for him. He's a really great sweet guy, he just didn't know how to be that without giving up his "manliness." By the time I talked to him in February, I saw he was ready to take the chance. In high school, he was who he was. Then a girl hurt him bad and he tried too much to hold onto himself and not share. By that February, I think he let go. And that's good.
beam me up, scotty
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