HELP!
Here's a strange problem: I have my journal table set up so that only 85% of your browser page is used (and the stupid yahoo ad won't block text when loading). Yet when I get to my journal entry for today using the links on my main journal page, my journal entry segment runs over and the white bar at the top of the page is no longer aligned with the right margin of the text. Reload the page, it gets fixed. But then the green and white bars won't align. Reload, it's all good, exactly as I made it. Is this just a "I'm a browser and will choose my own way" problem that I can't fix, or did I code something wrong? Do I have to set margins? It's driving me crazy! Please help!
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currently reading:
Two Queens in One Isle
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Due to hectic events on the right, I barely worked on my Christmas projects. I did one more strip of my very colorful fragment blanket and do plan on finishing this afghan by the end of the week. Woohoo!
mood of the day:
dry and weary; I’m sick.
wish i:
were at home on my couch with lots of Reishi Defense tea, watching every single X-Files episode in order of their appearance (DVD, of course)
I have a wish list
Joyce Kilmer, "Trees"
"I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree."
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 I have some photos to share. This here is my little brother when he was only four years old. He was incredibly afraid of water. I wonder now if part of that fear was because of his ear problems. They were always hurting him. If you squint some, you can see a cutesy little JPR floating in the background. Further down is JPR teaching M-Joe to swim. My family is the cutest! To this day, JPR still grins when showing her baby pictures. I guess she has good reason, but it sure is fun to pick on her! Further along you'll find M-Joe hanging onto the side of the pool while LR is behind him, sucking in a breath, ready to go under. At the bottom: all of us.
On to my journal entry:
Again, I fail at my task. Taking out the laptop to chronicle the craziness of the holidays seemed only to add to the craziness. I had a great vacation and feel better about my life, but it required a whole lot of travelling and staying up late and not eating full meals and in the end: I’m at work on a Monday morning feelings like wilted lettuce. I’m sick. I’m so sick.
I left on Sunday morning to go to my mother’s house in Connecticut. It was the first time I’d seen my mother since May. I stay away, at first, because she has AIDS and I think I’m afraid to see her and love her and know that she won’t be around me one day. She’s moving on her twelfth year of infection. I’m moving on my sixth or seventh year of denial.
 When I saw her, my heart almost broke. She looked like an old woman inside my mother’s 43-year-old body. It made me feel terrible. After not seeing her for so long, I started thinking she was bitter and cold and angry and though those moments do come about and they are vicious, she’s sick. I’m sick with a cold and I act like a crab...my poor mother hasn’t had a good month in 9 years and I’m complaining about her.
She could barely move in her bed. She’s had bowel problems. Sometimes it was so severe, she couldn’t make it to the bathroom and went on the floor. I want to hug the humiliation out of her. I missed her. She unloaded some fears she had while my sister and I were there and could see her visibly relax. Secrets she’s kept for years that have held her back. I can understand why she held on so long. If JPR and I weren’t who we are, other daughters would have left or been angry. Instead, we just love her more.
My mother was intrigued with my vegetarianism and I was happy to let her know that no meat meant easier digestion. I made her bags of soup to eat and she was delighted to report she had a normal you-know-what movement. *smirk* I was glad to hear that she adores coffee-flavored soy-milk.
My sister and I stayed with my mother until Tuesday. In that time, aside from talking, we cleaned up her house, rearranged her furniture, did her laundry and made some foods that would be easy to prepare. Mom definitely wanted us to go. She enjoys being by herself for the independence it provides, but now she’s close enough to me that I can drive over to see her about every two or three weeks. With JPR living with me, it’ll be a piece of cake to do it often and visit and help her out. And she’ll still be on her own, living, being strong. I’m proud of my mother.
We left on Tuesday afternoon to go to Vermont and surprise the fam with JPR’s arrival. It was pretty great. But we found out that our fam was holding Thanksgiving on Friday instead of Thursday. JPR and I had planned to see my lil bro on Friday in New Hampshire. It was suggested then that we invite him up to Vermont to celebrate with us. My sister and I immediately cringed. Judging by events in the past, his parents (our aunt and uncle, my mother’s brother) weren’t at all likely to say yes. We considered driving him to Vermont without telling him or them and then saying, “oops!” but inevitably decided it was best to just hear no and then miss Thanksgiving with our fam to spend the day with our brother (it would stink, but we certainly weren’t going to miss the opportunity to see him). Turns out, however, (and I’d like to thank my smooth-talker skills) that they said yes. We agreed then that JPR and I would wake at 5:30, drive off at 6:00 a.m. to drive to pick him up. We were there at 8:45 a.m. and on our way out by 9:15. We arrived for the feast at about 12:30.
 Thanksgiving was great and my brother enjoyed himself immensely. I’m incredibly impressed with his sincerity. I always assumed that young 17-year-old guys were similar if not more closed off than their 25-year-old older versions. But M-Joe is way cooler than I assumed. He has no problem letting us know that he’s happy, having fun, loves us, misses us and can’t wait to see us again. It’s a fantastic thing to see your little brother lean back and smile and say, “Wow. Thanks so much for inviting me up here.” My sister and I just look at each other with crazy, wiggly eyes and think “Thank US!?” We were ecstatic to have him there and with us. Especially with us.
We left to bring him back to New Hampshire at 8:30 p.m. By the time I was downtown (a ten minute drive), I needed Kleenex like a dog needs outdoors. It was insane! An hour later and I needed DayQuil and more tissues, not to mention about a thousand energy drinks that do nothing but make you stop at every exit on an interstate looking for a gas station with “facilities” (if you know what I mean). I was also tense because on the way out of my town, a wonderful kind police man pulled me over to let me know I had a padiddle (that means that one of my headlights was out). The car was inspected only two days prior so I was pretty miffed, adding up gas expenses and energy drink expenses and headlight costs and oil changes (oy vay! -- anyone know how to spell that?)
JPR and I made it back to Vermont at 4:15 a.m. Saturday morning. We plunked into bed, but I could not get to sleep! I was already deep into my sickness. Every time I closed my eyes and did sleep about five minutes or maybe even two hours, I only dreamed about cornrowing my sister’s hair (which looks fabulous, by the way. It took me four hours to do it last time, but we had beads in it and I made the rows very small. The smallest I’ve done yet! When I develop my Thanksgiving pictures, I’ll be sure to include some of her gorgeous do’). You ever dream about a task? Performing it over and over again? It’s like you never slept! You only worked the entire night! You wake up completely and utterly exhausted!
I got out of bed at 1:00 p.m. the next day but only stayed awake an hour before I went back to bed. At 4:30 p.m., my wonderful mother EYP (not my biological mother in CT, but my other mother in VT), brought me with her to the movie store where we rented Down to Earth starring Chris Rock and Regina King. It was funny. Then we chitty-chatted by the wood stove for about two hours. EYP rubbed my back and watched me hang my mouth open, collecting drool due to the pain of swallowing. About 10:00, my sister and I hoped to watch MadTV. No go. I watched X-Files instead.
Sunday, I drove home with Jon. JPR took my car to Connecticut because my mom is sick and needed to go to the hospital. I was too sick to go as well. It would have made my mother even sicker.
 So please forgive me for not sticking to my plan. I was busy and tired, but in between the driving and the doing, I had a great time with my family. For T-day dinner, I had some sea-vegetable dinner, purchased especially for me (thanks, EYP!). It was tasty. Quite strong tasty, in fact. I made some black bean soup for everyone and had bowls and bowls of it while I was sick.
It was a fantastic time. I can’t wait to see my brother again. JPR and I are hoping we can do it again around Christmas. I can’t wait until JPR gets here too. She makes me feel good. Jon can’t handle sick people all that well. Heh heh. I get really crabby.
Tomorrow, hopefully I will feel better. And I’ll tell you about the emotional turmoils rather than just the schedule of events. I just wanted y’all to know that I haven’t forgotten my promise, I just wasn’t able to carry it through. I hope you all had a fantastic holiday! Get ready for the next one; it’s only around the corner.
Peace! --c.
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