Buffy slowly drifted awake, feeling happier than she had felt in a long time. She snuggled deeper into her bed, before being hit by the strange feeling that she was not alone. She opened her eyes to see a very gorgeous, very naked vampire looking over at her.
"Morning, luv."
Buffy yawned, and stretched out like a cat. "What time is it?"
"Nearly nine o�clock. I shut the curtains to avoid getting myself a bad case of sunburn."
Buffy nodded, and snuggled close to him. "I can�t be nine o�clock already. I�m still tired."
Spike grinned at her in his lopsided way, and said smoothly, "Well, it�s not as if you got a lot of sleep last night, luv."
She was about to think up a response when she heard someone knocking on the door. "Buffy? It�s me. Can I come in?"
Buffy sat up so suddenly the whole bed shook. "Erm, just a minute, Willow." She turned to Spike. "Hide!"
"Where?"
"In the closet."
Spike quickly scrambled out of bed, and threw himself into the wardrobe at the other side of the room.
"Okay, Will."
Willow opened the door, and tiptoed into the room. "Hi Buffy. How did the fight go last night?"
"Fine. We killed the demon."
"Oh, good."
Buffy contemplated telling Willow about the demon�s warning, but decided against it. It would mean more research, and Buffy just couldn�t take any more of that.
"Can I borrow your sweater Buffy? You know, the blue one with the star?"
"Sure."
Willow was heading towards the wardrobe, when Buffy suddenly realised what a mistake she�d made.
"No! It�s in the wash. I�m so stupid, I forgot."
Willow looked searchingly at her for a second, then said, "Okay. Thanks anyway."
She left the room, and as she was going through the doorway, she said, "By the way, Buffy, next time you get Spike to hide in your closet, make sure he hides his clothes too."
*******
It was night, and Buffy, Willow, Dawn and Spike sat impatiently in Buffy�s living room, waiting for Xander and Anya to arrive. They were having a party to celebrate the death of the demon, and they were impatient for it to get underway.
Buffy kept glancing over at Willow, wondering if she was going to say anything. She hadn�t mentioned what had happened between her and Spike all day, but she was worried that the moment they were alone, they�d have to have 'the talk'.
Buffy�s thoughts were interrupted when there was a loud knocking on the door.
"They�re here!" Dawn yelled as she scrambled to the door. As she pulled it open, she yelled, "What took you so long?"
"Sorry, Dawn, but we brought something that might make it up to you."
"Ooh, what?"
Xander pulled a small square box out of his pocket.
"The Best Party Songs EVER CD."
"Oooh, yay!"
Dawn ran back into the living room, and waved it in front of Buffy�s face. "Can I put it on, Buffy? Please?"
Buffy nodded her consent, and Dawn ran to the CD player. A few seconds later she came back and sat on the couch with the others, and waited for the first song to start.
She was rewarded for her enthusiasm when she heard the first few notes of the music.
<Friday night it's party time, feeling ready looking fine, viene diego rumbeando>
"It�s the Ketchup Song!!!"
Dawn jumped up, and grabbed Buffy�s hand. "Come on, Buffy."
She dragged her across the room and onto the coffee table. Spike was about to ask what they were doing, when Willow jumped up and ran after them.
"Let me up too."
"Sorry, Will," Buffy said, apologetically. "There�s not enough room."
"What are you all doing?" Spike asked, but was completely ignored by the three girls, who were now totally involved in singing the song.
"And he dances, y la cantaaaaaaa!" Buffy sang at the top of her lungs, as they started to dance to the chorus.
<Asereje, ja, de je, de jebe tu de jebere>
The girls started to cross their hands over in a weird hand jive as Spike just stared in disbelief.
<seibiunouva majavi>
They pointed their thumbs over their shoulders, and started to shake their hands as they raised them in the air.
<an de bugui an de buididipi>
They then put their arms above their hands and waggled their knees together in time to the music.
"I said a hey, ha, de hey, de hay a something, something, something, no armardi, and the something and the something de-de!" Dawn sang as Spike walked towards the girls, staring at them as if they were insane.
"What are you doing???"
"Oh, you have to join in!" Before Spike had time to react, Buffy had pounced from the coffee table, and pulled him up onto it too. "Just copy me."
As the chorus started again, Spike tried to do what Buffy was doing. He knew there was no point trying to argue with her, the macarina incident had proved that, so he decided the best he could do was try to play along.
"NO!" Buffy yelled at him. "Right over left, left over right, right over left, left over right!"
"Sorry, Slayer," he said as he tried to copy her movements. He was just starting to pick it up when he heard Buffy yell, "Thumbs!"
He tried to catch up, but it was too late, and she was already shaking her knees. "Shake your knees, Spike!"
"I�m trying, luv, but it�s a hard dance."
Willow snorted as Buffy scowled at him. "A hard dance? Spike, this dance is so easy a monkey could do it!"
"Bet Harris couldn�t do it."
"Oh, no!" Xander said, wide eyed. "I am NOT doing the Ketchup dance!"
"Oh, come on, sweetie," Anya said, as she dragged him to the middle of the room as well. "Don�t be silly."
The chorus rolled around again, and Spike tried desperately to do it perfectly. He was not going to be beaten by Xander. He wiggled his knees as hard as he could, causing him to lose his balance and tumble head first off the coffee table.
The song ended with Spike collapsed on the floor, and Xander doubled up with laughter. Buffy went over to the CD player and turned it off.
"Maybe we shouldn�t dance any more," she said breathlessly. "I think Spike got a little bit over-enthusiastic there. Lets play charades instead!"
"Oh, no!" Xander and Spike said together, then turned to look at each other. "I am so gonna beat you," they said.
*******
Xander was standing in the middle of the room, twitching his nose and holding out his hands like paws.
"Rugrats?" Buffy guessed.
"Yeah," Xander said as she walked hurriedly back to his seat. "Your turn Buffy."
"No," Buffy said, with an evil grin. "It�s Spike�s turn."
"Errr, I can�t think of anything," Spike said quickly.
"Not a problem," Buffy said with a laugh. "I�ve already got one for you." She pulled Spike off the couch, and whispered in his ear.
"I can�t do that!" Spike said indignantly. "Can�t I do something like Friends instead?"
"You said you couldn�t think of anything!"
"Well, now I have."
"Tough. You�re doing it."
Spike sighed as Buffy sat back on the couch, and looked at him expectantly.
"Okay, it�s a song."
"You have to do the action!" Dawn said.
"Well, you know now, anyway." He held up one finger.
"One word," Willow said.
He then held up two fingers in the V sign.
"You�re supposed to do it on you�re arm. That�s just swearing at us."
"I didn�t know," Spike said innocently. "I just thought that was what you did."
"No talking!" Buffy said. "So, two syllables."
Spike held up two fingers.
"Second syllable."
Spike paused, looking uncomfortable.
"Go on!"
Spike glared at Buffy for a moment, then proceeded to act out sitting on, and flushing the toilet.
"Toilet? That�s the second syllable?" Willow asked confused.
Spike just glared at her, pissed off.
"Why don�t you do it again, Spike?"
"Fuck you, Slayer."
"I�m sure you did," Willow said quietly, with a giggle.
"What was that?" Xander asked, looking confused.
"Nothing," Willow said, blushing. "And NO talking Spike."
Spike did the action again, and when they still looked blankly at him, he yelled, "It�s Waterloo, you prats!"
"Ha! You spoke! Now you have to do another one!" Buffy said triumphantly.
"Fine," Spike said, an idea hitting him. "But I get to pick it."
He grinned lopsidedly at her, then said, "It�s a TV show, one word, two syllables, and all that crap." He paused for a moment. "So here it is."
He strode towards Buffy in one fluid motion and kissed her, hard.
"Ooooh, Passions!" Dawn said.
"Right, Little Bit," Spike said, as he pulled away.
"Spike!" Willow said, shocked.
Buffy leapt up and punched him hard in the nose, sending him flying backwards. "I can�t believe you did that, you pig!"
For a moment, Spike was offended, then he saw Buffy give him a small wink. This was all for the sake of Xander.
"God, you are sinking to new lows, Spike," Xander said, disgusted.
"Yeah," Spike said, grinning. "I guess I am. Well, I gotta get my kicks somehow."
Buffy drilled her fingers against the table impatiently as she waited for Spike to come back.
"Spike! Hurry up!"
"I�m coming, luv. Don�t get your knickers in a twist!"
Buffy frowned as Spike walked towards her, carrying a large tray of food. "What does that mean, anyway? Don�t get your knickers in a twist. You British people say the weirdest things."
"At least it�s not as bad as some of the things you Americans say. Do you have to abbreviate everything? And don�t even get me started on your spelling."
Spike flopped down next to her, and propped the tray on his lap. "You�re the one who wanted popcorn so desperately, anyway." He frowned and looked at the TV screen, which was paused at the start of the episode. "So, what are we watching today, pet."
Buffy grabbed the box from the table, and studied it closely. "Erm, some episode called �Smashed�."
"What�s it about, luv."
"Dunno." She thought for a moment, her forehead crinkling. "The last episode we watched was what happened just before we got attacked by that Mohra demon, so maybe it�ll be about that."
She reached for the remote, pressed play, then snuggled closer to Spike to get some popcorn.
It only took a moment for her to realise something was wrong. This, she didn�t remember. Sure, she rescued a lot of people in alleys, but she hadn�t dealt with a mugging in God knows how long. She glanced over at Spike, and saw that he looked about as confused as she felt.
"Spike," she said tentatively, "do you remember this?"
"No," he said quietly, frowning.
"Then how come we�re watching this then?"
When Spike didn�t reply, she thought hard, trying to figure it out. After a few minutes, a sudden idea came to her.
"I�ve got it!" she said triumphantly. "Anya said that the people in this other dimension see our future. So, maybe this stuff hasn�t happened yet. Maybe it�s what�s gonna happen next."
"Do you think we should still watch it, luv?" Spike asked.
"Hell yeh! Do you think I�m gonna stop watching just cos Anya gave me some stupid warning about �the dangers of messing�? It�ll be fun. Plus it�ll give me a heads up about all the demons, which means I�ll be able to save a lot of lives. And I won�t have to research any more, also a plus. And, you know..."
Spike put a finger to her lips, silencing her. "Buffy, you don�t need to try and convince me. I wanna watch em as much as you do. Just wanted to make sure you weren�t gonna blame when it all went wrong."
Buffy blushed slightly, then snuggled back up against Spike. "Okay, good."
On the screen, a person was falling from the roof of some museum place, all connected with wires and wearing a strange black suit. It took Buffy a moment to realise it was Andrew.
"Oh my God! Those geeks are so lame!"
"That�s why they�re known as �The Geeks�, pet."
Buffy stuck her tongue out at him. "Okay, smarty pants. I was just saying."
She frowned as she watched them use a blowtorch to melt the glass of one of the cases, so they could get the diamond inside.
"Hey, stealing a diamond! Now we�re talking!" Buffy said with a grin. "Cos, you know, exploding lint and time warps, not rating highly on the evil meter."
<"What are you doing here?">
"Oh no!" Buffy said, sitting up suddenly. "What if they hurt that security guard?"
Spike just raised an eyebrow at her.
"Okay, maybe not."
She stared in disbelief as she saw them pull out some kind of weird... thing, and point it at the guard. A few seconds later, the guard was ice.
"A freeze ray?" she commented, disgusted. "And now we�re back to the lameness again."
*******
<"Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.">
<"What are you doing here, Spike?">
"So, you�re going to go back to hating my guts soon enough, right, Slayer?"
Buffy shook her head, eyes fixed on the screen.
<"Uh, you know, as long as we're both here, you might as well tag along. I mean, as a team we could�">
<"Yeah, that never really ends well, does it?">
<"It did the other night.">
*Yeah,* Buffy thought with a grin. *It really did.*
<"Stop walking away.">
<"Don't touch me!">
Buffy cringed as she saw herself punch Spike in the jaw. She cringed more, however, when Spike punched her right back. That was going to smart in the morning. As was Spike�s chip, any moment now. She waited, expecting him to cry out in pain. Any moment now.
The on-screen Spike seemed to notice that it hadn�t gone off too, and pretended to be in pain before Buffy noticed. She saw herself backhand him, sending him falling to the ground, apparently oblivious to his chip failure. Then, she marched off, leaving Spike to grin evilly.
Buffy turned to glance at Spike, and saw him staring at the screen with conflicting emotions on his face. He seemed half confused, half relieved, half overjoyed, half... That was too many halves, Buffy corrected herself, as she wondered what TV Spike, and real Spike, were going to do with this discovery.
<"Look at all the goodies.">
She watched, wide-eyed, as Spike followed a women into an alley, and started to intimidate her.
"Oh my God!" Buffy said, jumping as far away from Spike as she possibly could. "What are you doing?"
"Buffy. . ."
"I thought you were �changed�! How can you be changed if the first thing you do when you find your chip has stopped working is attack somebody?"
"Buffy, you do realise none of this has happened yet?"
"Yeah, but it�s gonna happen, isn�t it! God! I can�t believe yo..." She cut herself off suddenly when Spike lunged for the girl�s neck. She stared, transfixed at the screen as Spike screamed in chip-induced pain, and fell back into a dumpster.
<"What the hell is going on?">
*Good question,* Buffy thought.
*******
Buffy watched the rest of the episode in silence. She was still mad at Spike for trying to hurt that girl, but he didn�t see to be particularly dangerous now. What was worrying her was how come he could hurt her, but no-one else.
She looked at the screen to see herself bumping in to Spike in some dark alley, and Spike being even more cocky than usual with her. She guessed it had something to do with the fact that he knew he could hurt her. She also guessed he was about to make a point.
She saw herself hit Spike hard in the face, and him turn around and hit her back. Okay, so he was definitely going to make a point.
<"Oh the pain, the pain, is gone.">
<"How?">
<"You came back wrong.">
Buffy stared at the screen in disbelief for the second time that evening. How? How had she come back wrong? If she hadn�t seen the earlier scenes she would�ve sworn Spike was making it up. But she knew he wasn�t.
<"It�s a trick. You did something to the chip. It�s a trick.">
<"It�s no trick. It�s not me, it�s you.">
Buffy shook her head, tears forming under her eyes. She refused to let them fall. She didn�t want to seem weak. Lots of her friends were part demon, or ex-demon, or something like that. There was nothing wrong with being demon. But if that was true, why was she so upset?
"Look, pet, I�m sorry..."
"Shut up!" Buffy was shocked by the harshness of her tone, but it had just come out naturally. She was fuming at Spike at that moment. If it wasn�t for him, she�d have never found out about this. This was all his fault!
She watched as she jumped Spike, knocking him into an old derelict building. She couldn�t help thinking that that had to be a bad idea. Fights in abandoned buildings never ended well.
<"Poor little lost girl. She doesn�t fit in anywhere. She�s got no-one to love.">
<"Me? I�m lost? Look at you, you idiot. Poor Spikey. Can�t be a human, can�t be vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?">
This fight was getting seriously serious. Everything in the house was getting smashed to bits. Even the walls were starting to crumble. Buffy cringed as Spike smashed into the fireplace. Ouch. That had to hurt.
*******
After a few more minutes of watching Willow hanging out with Amy, which, quite frankly, Buffy really didn�t care about, it cut back to her fight with Spike. She was pinned against the stairs, and Spike was holding her up, laughing in her face.
<"I wasn�t planning on hurting you, much.">
<"You haven�t even come close to hurting me.">
<"Afraid to give me a chance?">
<"What, are you afraid I�m gonna...">
Buffy jumped as she saw herself lean forward and kiss Spike so forcefully the wall started cracking behind them.
"That was a change of mood, luv."
Buffy watched intently as her and Spike continued to kiss, and then there were, umm, �sound effects� and then they sort of started moving against each other and...
"Wait a minute! This was on TV?!"
"What do you mean, pet?"
"I mean, people were watching this! What, are they all perverts or something?"
Buffy watched as they continued, well, moving, and noticed that she looked pretty happy.
"You know, I�m looking forward to this now."
"Why pet?"
"It looks gooood."
Spike smirked at her.
"You�re very strange, luv."
Suddenly they both fell backwards, breaking the floor, and falling through into the basement. Buffy kept staring at the screen as the credits started to roll.
"Look, pet, I�m sorry about the whole �trying to kill someone� thing."
"Don�t worry about it," Buffy said with a grin. "It looks like you more than made up for it!"
"And I�m sorry for saying you came back wrong."
"It doesn�t matter. I don�t care," Buffy said firmly, though she was crying inside. She didn�t want to be a demon. She didn�t want to be a zombie. She just wanted to be Buffy.
"Do you want to watch the next one?"
Buffy continued to munch on her popcorn as the opening credits for the next episode rolled. She really hated the last picture of her, the one which had the words "created by Joss Whedon" underneath. First of all, it was an awful picture. It made her look kind of possessed. Or like she was being hanged. Or like she was being hanged while possessed. And secondly, she really hated this Joss Whedon guy. If he was the one who was taking credit for all the pain in her life, he deserved to die.
As the scrolling credits came on, Buffy read the name of the writer and let out a moan of disgust.
"What is it, luv?"
"That writer. Marti Noxon, or whatever she�s called. She wrote this episode. I hate her!"
"Have you ever even met her?"
Buffy wriggled uncomfortably in her seat. "Well, no, but I hate her even so!"
"Is this the point where I�m supposed to act all interested and ask why?" Buffy nodded in confirmation. Spike sighed. "Alright, luv. Why do you hate this bird?"
"Because, that�s why! Every single episode I�ve seen with her as the �writer� has had something horrible happening to me. No jokes or happy moments, just horrible, horrible things! And as she�s the one who�s credited for the times that were so unhappy, she�s the one I�m blaming."
Spike seemed unmoved by her speech, however. "Isn�t that the same thing you�ve told me repeatedly about this Whedon bloke?"
Buffy blushed, and grabbed another fistful of popcorn. "Yeah, well, I�m blaming him as well!"
Spike shook his head, and muttered something that sounded to Buffy something very much like �women�.
"What was that Spike?"
"Nothing, luv."
They both turned their attention back to the TV, where they were having yet another argument.
<"Is this what this is about? Doing a Slayer?">
<"Well, I wouldn't throw stones, pet. You seem to be quite the groupie yourself.">
Now that was harsh. Buffy shot a steely glare in the direction of Spike. He was going to pay for that one. Or at least he would, when he actually said it. She frowned. All this �in the future� stuff was making her head hurt.
<"You�re just... you�re just convenient.">
Ouch. Buffy winced at that statement, and by the feel of Spike, he did too. Since when did she become such a bitch? If that Marti person had something to do with it...
She turned and put a comforting hand on Spike�s arm.
"You know I don�t mean it, right Spike?" she said quietly. "I just... well, you know, I get upset sometimes, and I say things, and..."
"Don�t fuss yourself, luv. It�s not like I never say stuff I don�t mean when I�m all hot and bothered."
Buffy smiled, and snuggled back against Spike�s chest. She didn�t want Spike taking offence from what she said. She would never hear the end of it.
<"You�re gonna want these, too.">
"What is with you and underwear, Spike? Just tell me that."
Spike just smirked at her.
*******
<"I know this guy... and he knows spells that last for days. And the burnout factor is like, nothing.">
<"Really? He's a warlock?">
<"I guess. Look, I am not kidding you. This guy ... will blow your mind. He will take you to places that you can't even imagine.">
Buffy frowned as she heard this. What was Willow getting into? It sounded bad, whatever it was. She always knew Amy was trouble, right from day one. She made a mental note to put rat poison in her water bottle next time Willow got her to clean the cage out. That would mean no trouble for Willow in the future, and no more cage cleaning for Buffy. She grinned. Two birds, one stone... not a bad plan.
Pushing these thoughts from her mind, she leaned forward slightly, staring intently at the screen, wondering what Willow was going to do. Then they walked into the horrible, tacky hidden place that they were going to, and Buffy burst out laughing.
"What now, luv."
"Oh my god! Can you say �unsubtle metaphor�? You can so tell where they�re going to go with this!" she said, tossing a few pieces of popcorn in the air and trying to catch them in her mouth.
"Aren�t you concerned about Red?"
"She can take care of herself."
"Buffy, that�s Rack�s place. He does some seriously dangerous stuff."
"Yeah, but none of this has actually happened yet. I can still stop her." Buffy shrugged away any concern she had for Willow, and continued to catch popcorn in her mouth.
"Buffy..."
"Don�t talk to me right now, Spike. I�m busy."
"Busy doing what? Tossing popcorn?"
"Yeah, actually! It needs a lot of concentration."
"Right!" Spike scoffed, looking disgustedly at her as she continued with her sport. "I could do it with me eyes closed."
"Prove it then!" Buffy shoved the huge tub of popcorn into his hands, then folded her arms across her chest, and waited.
Spike picked a small piece of corn from the tub, threw his head back, tossed it in the air, and winced as it bounced off his nose.
"Ow!" He said, rubbing his sore spot, as Buffy burst out laughing.
"See? Not so easy!"
"It was a fluke! Give us another one, and this time I�ll do it easily."
"No way," Buffy said, yanking the tub out of his hands. "You�re not wasting the rest of my popcorn!"
She turned back to the screen to see Willow and Amy still at Rack�s place, both high on magic. She giggled as Amy started spinning faster and faster under Rack�s control.
"I�m spinning around, move out of my way! I know you�re feeling me cos you like it like this!" she sang, the tune being lost completely under her endless giggles.
"What is wrong with you today, luv." Spike said, frowning at her strange outburst. Buffy giggled again, blushed and hiding her head like a schoolgirl caught talking in her first grade maths lesson. He frowned as he tried to put two and two together. Giddy Buffy always meant...
"Buffy, are you drunk?"
"No," she said, in a tone that definitely meant yes.
"What have you been drinking?"
"Nothing!" Buffy blushed, and held out her now empty mug with a grin. "I put rum in my hot chocolate!"
"And now you�re mega drunk?"
"Not mega drunk. Just... a lot drunk. Why, aren�t you having fun?"
"Course I am pet. I�m with you, aren�t I?"
Buffy giggled again.
"Just please, for the sake of us all, no more singing."
Buffy put on her best pout, hoping he�d �try and get it�, like he did all those years ago, but he�d already turned his attention back to the TV. Sighing, she turned back to the screen also, thinking of missed opportunities.
*******
<"I'll leave a note for Buffy on the refrigerator. That's the first place she goes after patrolling. She's such a pig after she kills things.">
"Hey!" Buffy said, indignantly. "I am so not a pig! I mean, I can�t even do a good pig impression. I sort of make this weird snorting noise in the back of my throat when I try and..."
"Are you always this gobby when you�re drunk?"
Buffy hit him lightly on the air, and then added, "Besides, it�s like Faith always said. �Slaying makes you hungry and horny.�"
Spike smirked at her. "I�ll have to remember that."
Buffy stuck her tongue out at him, and carried on munching on her popcorn. The endless munching was starting to get on Spike�s nerves. He�d have to remember to give her something else to eat next time. Maybe a milkshake. He mentally shook his head at the thought. Over an hour of listening to Buffy make weird little sucking noises? Not when he was trying to watch the telly.
*******
Buffy watched with disgust as Willow made Dawn wait in the waiting room as while she got high on magic. Which, by the way, high on magic? Who came up with that lame idea? She mentally slapped herself. She was thinking like this was just a TV show that somebody created, instead of real life. Maybe she�d been hanging round Spike too long. He always acted like all TV was real, so maybe she�d started instinctively doing the opposite.
Spike frowned at the screen, seemingly more worried about Dawn than Buffy was. "What�s she doing, taking The Bit there? Can�t she see it�s dangerous? She�s left the poor thing out in the waiting room with all those addict guys while she�s getting all high in a bubble!"
Buffy giggled at Spike�s outburst. He always was kind of protective of Dawn. It was sweet when she thought about it. The thing that made her giggle even more, though, was the image she was now seeing, of Willow seemingly zooming through the stars. She couldn�t resist, she really couldn�t.
"And now we�re flying through the stars, hope this night will last forever!" she sang.
"Very nice, luv," Spike said, still endlessly fretting about Dawn. "And what did we say about singing?"
******
<"There's some guy named Rack.">
<"I know who he is, he deals in magic. Black stuff, dangerous.">
"Hey!" Buffy said, suddenly realising something. "If you knew who Rack was, why didn�t you tell me before?"
"I would�ve done," Spike said with a smirk, "but you were so busy singing I never got the chance."
Buffy turned back to the TV, and gasped as a very naked Spike stood up from the bed. *Move the camera a little lower,* she willed the screen, but the shot didn�t change. She�s just have to make do with memory then.
"Hello, salty goodness..." she muttered under her breath, so quiet she could barely hear it herself.
"What was that, pet?"
"Uh, nothing!"
"Vampire hearing, remember? I know exactly what you said. Then again, I haven�t seen myself in over a hundred years, and I have to admit, I look hot."
"Talk about having an ego as big as..." Buffy searched for the word inside her head. "As big as... other parts of you."
"Hmm, so how big an ego are we talking?"
"Oh, big. The biggest out of all the people I�ve ever met!" She sat back, hoping she�d done a good job in humbling him a bit, but then she noticed his self-satisfied smirk, and realised what she had said, and what she�d compared it to before.
She blushed crimson.
********
Buffy sighed and rolled her eyes as she saw a shot of Willow in bed, obviously going into withdrawal.
"Oh, puh-lease," she said, disgusted. "Can you say �drug addiction�?"
"You have. Many times."
"I just mean, how obvious and lame a metaphor can you get?"
"I know. You told me that the last time you mentioned that." He paused. "And the time before."
"Hey! Don�t you make fun of me!" Buffy tossed a handful of popcorn at him. It all got tangled in his hair, making him look hilarious.
She burst into a fit of giggles, but it was abruptly stopped by him throwing a handful back.
Buffy jumped up from the couch, bits of popcorn flying everywhere as she did so. "Oh, you are so dead, mister!"
She grabbed the biggest handful she could get, then started pinging each individual piece at him one by one, aiming everywhere she could. And having, Slayer accuracy, every shot was on target. She was stopped, however, when Spike strode forward, snatched the tub from her hands, and emptied it all over her head.
"Spike! Look what you�ve done!" She got down on her hands and knees, and started picking up each individual piece of popcorn off the floor. "Now it�ll all stick to the carpet."
"Well, clean it up quick then."
"Nah." Buffy stood up, and glanced around the popcorn filled room. "I�ll just say Dawn did it. Willow can clean it up with a spell, anyway."
Spike raised his eyebrow in that oh-so-sexy way that made Buffy go weak at the knees. "You still letting her do the magics, after watching that."
"Yeah. You see, that was all caused by Amy, and I�ve got this plan... Oh, you wouldn�t understand. Let�s just say, she won�t be a problem." She looked round the room once more. "Anyway, I�m off to bed."
"It�s only 11 o�clock. I�d of thought you wouldn�t even be tired by now."
"Who said I was going to sleep. Besides, if I�m not tired, you�ll have to tire me out, won�t you," she said suggestively, before heading off up the stairs. After a moment, Spike followed.
Buffy lazily scanned through the list of links, not really impressed by anything she saw. She and Spike had been on the internet all morning, but they�d found nothing new so far. Episode guides, quizzes, obsession lists, chat rooms full of strange people speaking in code, the same as always really. What was that AR thing anyway? It got mentioned so many times, but no-one would tell her what it meant. It was kind of like Voldemort on Harry Potter, she thought with a laugh. A thing that struck so much terror into people�s hearts, they dare not name it. She giggled again.
"Find something, luv?"
"No. I just thought of something funny, is all."
"Do you want me to have a look?"
"I can find good stuff on my own!"
"You won�t if you keep searching for Buffy Summers all the time."
"Fine!" Buffy pushed her chair away from the computer, and put on her best pouty face. "Lets see you do better!"
Spike moved his chair in front of the keyboard, then sat and thought for a second. After a moment, he remembered one of the usernames of the people they�d met in the chatrooms. �RileySux�. Smirking, he typed "Riley" and "Hate" into the search box, and clicked enter.
He was amazed a few seconds later when the search results came up. 3,456,283 matches! Grinning, he clicked on the first site listed, "FishBoy."
"Hey, I found a good site, Slayer."
Buffy turned back to the computer in time to see a picture of Riley doing a Marilyn Monroe impression before they were taken to the main page.
"What is this?" she asked, confused. "What�s Fishboy? And what are all these links?" She looked down the table of contents. "Jokes, The Riley Spinoff, The Story of Riley, Christmas Cheer. . . what is all this?"
"Well, I�m not sure about the second question, but if you wanna answer your first one, click the first link."
Buffy looked to where he was pointing to see the words "Who is Fishboy?" Figuring she had nothing to lose, she clicked the link, and started to read out what it said.
"So, you don�t know what FishBoy is then? Fish Boy is a name a lot of Riley Finn haters call him." She looked at Spike. "Riley haters?!"
"Yeah, there�s a lot of us, apparently."
"How did you find this?"
"I looked for Riley and Hate on the search engine."
Buffy gave him an incredulous look, but then turned back to the computer and started scrolling up and down the contents. "Well, as long as we�re here, we might as well make the most of it."
"So, all the people in this dimension called him �Fish Boy�. Fish boy." He said the name slowly, as though trying it out for size. "I like it. Fishboy it is. I always thought he looked like a fish anyway." He looked at Buffy, who was still indecisively looking for a page. One particular one caught his eye.
"Do that one." He pointed to one near the bottom. "Say Riley Sucks in other languages. I�ve always wanted to be able to do that!"
Buffy complied, and soon they were staring at a page of phrases in what they assumed was Dutch.
"Riley zeikt. I like it!"
"What about this one?" Spike said with a smirk. "Riley is een mislukte kip."
"What�s it mean?"
"Riley is a deformed chicken."
"Ooooh, I have to learn that one."
Spike looked the page up and down, and found some of the phrases quite useful.
"You can put any twerp�s name in here. Like. . . Peaches is een sul. The Whelp is achterlijk. We�re going to have to have to bookmark this page! Learn myself some new insults."
While Spike was busy trying to figure how to work the favourites, Buffy looked at some of the other phrases Spike hadn�t seen, hiding at the bottom of the page.
"Spike is een schatje."
"What�s that, love?"
"It means Spike is a hottie."
"I�d pretend to be modest, but I�m not going to lie to you, pet."
"I�m not going to fall for the ego trap again, so don�t even try!"
"Fine!" Spike�s eyes trailed over the links to the side again, and he spotted one that sounded like fun. "You Know You Hate Riley When. . . Shall we try that one, luv?"
She nodded, and as he clicked the link, she noticed one phrase near the bottom. "Ik hou van Spike."
"What�s that mean, luv."
"Err, Spike�s an idiot."
Spike grinned to himself. Buffy might not know it, but he spoke German. Not much mind, but enough. He knew just what Buffy had just said, even if she wasn�t going to admit herself.
Spike looked at the new page that had just loaded.
"You Know You Hate Riley When�" He paused, then read out the first one on the list. "You�ve never been to Iowa, but you�re sure you hate it."
"Oh, that one applies to me! If I heard him say �Iowa, born and raised� one more time, I�d scream! How boring can you get?!"
"When your friend mentions that she/he likes cheese, you give him/her an evil glare."
"Do NOT mention cheese. Every few days he�d start talking about that stupid stuff! You know, we�d have just finished doing... stuff, and he�d start talking about it. And he didn�t even know the names of any of them, so it was always �That holy cheese� or �that strong British one�. It made me want to kill him!"
Spike grinned, then carried on reading. "You have a new-found hate for anything military."
"Oh yeah. Why did he always wear that uniform? I mean, he got kicked out. He shouldn�t even be allowed to wear it, but he never took it off. I mean did he think it was sexy or something?"
Spike snorted.
"What?"
"You used the words �sexy� and �Riley� in the same sentence, and you expected me to keep a straight face?!"
"Good point."
Spike turned back to the list, and read, "You just know he fantasises about having a secret orgy affair with the Backstreet Boys."
"Oh my god! What was his deal with them! To start with, his obsession was cute, but after a while it was just like, �THEY�RE CRAP, YOU STUPID CORN FED FREAK!�"
"Right, Slayer. You would kill to take that damn scarf and choke him with it."
Buffy�s eye started twitching, and her hands started clenching and unclenching. She looked like she was about to go insane.
"Maybe we should go to another site, luv, before you explode."
She nodded, and he clicked on the links page. After looking through the options for a while, he found one that sounded fun.
"Look at this one, Slayer. �Precious Dreams: Why Buffy and Spike belong with each other.�"
"Well, go on it then. Give us a chance to see what these people think of us being together."
"Guessing they�re fans considering that title."
"Good point."
Spike clicked the link, and was quickly taken to the site. When it loaded, he looked at it in amazement.
"Reasons why Buffy and Spike belong together. Reasons why they are so alike. Reasons why Spike is waaaaay better than Angel." He stopped reading for a moment. "I like this chick. She thinks I�m better than Angel."
"Must be blind."
"Hey!"
Buffy elbowed him out of the way, and started scanning through the list. Most of them were the typical lovey dovey stuff she had been expecting, but the fifth one was a bit different.
"B/A doesn't have a cool name like "Spuffy". I mean..."Bungel?" or "Anffy?" Uhh...Bagel?"
"What, luv?"
Buffy grinned. This was too cute. "Looks like the fans have got a name for us being together. At least we know what �Spuffy� means now. Everyone was talking about how great it was, and I didn�t have a clue what they were on about!"
"But what�s B/A, luv?"
"I dunno." She frowned, thinking deeply. "Well, Spuffy is obviously Spike and Buffy, right? So Bungel is. . . Buffy and Angel!"
"Let me get this straight. These guys are making fun of you being with Angel?"
Buffy nodded. "I think so."
"I�m liking these people even more!" Spike took the mouse off her, and looked further down the list.
"Look at number seven. �Blonde! Blonde is in, both Buffy and Spike have gone blonde. They match!�"
Buffy nodded, smiling, then realised something. "Hey! I did not �go blonde�! My hair is naturally this colour!"
"Yeah, I believe you, pet."
"It is! I�ve never dyed my hair. Ever!"
"Maybe it�s time you did. It�d look good green."
"Gross, Spike!"
"Just a suggestion. Think you�d look kinda formidable to the vamps if your hair was green."
"Formidable, or comical?"
"Same thing, luv."
Buffy turned to read the next one, but Spike stopped her.
"What is it?"
"Red�s coming. Don�t want her to see what site we�re on, do we now?"
"�Spose not." Buffy reluctantly shut down the internet connection, then prepared her and Spike�s alibi. They�d decided that if Spike sensed anyone coming, she would pretend to be reading some book on demonology, and Spike would read the book that Buffy had given him for Christmas.
A few moments later, Willow came into the dining room.
"Hi Buffy, Spike. What�cha doing?"
"Oh, just doing some studying. Staying on top of the demons, that sort of thing."
"Right." Her eyes glanced over Spike�s book. "Evil for Dummies?"
"Gotta read summit. Besides, there are some pretty good schemes here. And I�m mentioned several times."
"Oh-kay." She turned back to Buffy. "I�m going to the Magic Box. Wanna come with?"
"No, thanks. Busy reading."
"And then we�re going to have some Spuffy, aren�t we, luv?" Spike butted in, grinning.
"Spuffy?!"
"Yeah," Buffy said, looking daggers at Spike. "It�s a band. I just love em."
"Uh huh. Not that clueless, Buff. Where�d you come up with that codeword? Or don�t I wanna know?"
"You don�t wanna know."
"Right, okay then. Maybe I�ll see you tonight, at the Bronze?"
"Yeah, sounds good."
Willow grinned, nodded at Spike, then headed out the door. The minute she was gone, Buffy turned to Spike.
"I hate you," she said with a laugh "You know that, right?"
Buffy sipped her drink lazily, not taking much notice of the bustle around her. She had come to the Bronze, hoping for a nice, normal night out. The minute she had got there, however, all she had wanted to do was go home. Xander and Anya were on the dance floor, dancing crazily to the band, who, Buffy noted, weren�t very good. Willow was sitting next to her, but was busy moping. Amy had mysteriously died the night before, as she had discovered that afternoon. Buffy almost felt guilty, but then remembered what would have happened if she hadn�t died �accidentally�. She really didn�t want to have Amy living in her house. That girl gave her the creeps.
The thing that was depressing Buffy the most, though, was the fact that Spike had stayed home to look after Dawn. If she was going to be depressed, he could at least be there so that she would have someone to take it out on.
After a moment, she got to her feet.
"Where�re you going, Buff? The night�s only just started."
"Sorry, Will, but I�m gonna take a raincheck. Not really in the mood for the Bronze scene tonight."
"Okay, go. I�ll be alright by myself."
"Xander and Anya are here."
"Yeah, but they don�t look like they�re going to stop dancing anytime soon, and there�s no way I�m dancing with them."
"Right. �Night, Will."
"�Night, Buff."
*******
Spike sat on the couch, smoking. Buffy didn�t like him smoking in her house, but she wasn�t here to stop him. The Bit had gone to bed, so it was just him and the telly. Normally a good thing, but tonight, not so much. There was nothing good on, and he couldn�t watch the tape until Buffy came back. So he was smoking. So stake him. It wasn�t like he�d never done something wrong before.
He took another drag, then stopped, sensing someone coming up the drive. Shit, he thought. Buffy.
Looking around, he tried to find somewhere to put out his cigarette. Finally, he settled on the fruit bowl. By the time she found the ashes, he�d be long gone.
He slouched back on the couch just as Buffy opened the door.
"Back so soon, luv."
"Yeah. It was so..." she stopped, and looked around, sniffing. "Have you been smoking in here?"
Deciding there was no point in lying, Spike said, "Well, yeah. Wanna make something of it?"
"How many times have I told you not to smoke it here?"
"A far few, I�d wager."
Buffy dug around in a draw, and pulled out an air freshener. She handed it to him, and said, "Now, you can go round and spray this everywhere you�ve been with that thing."
"Turning into a right little housewife, aren�t you, Slayer?" he said, but he went around the house spraying that awful stuff anyway. Personally, he thought smoke smelled better than Citrus Fresh, but it was her house. He just spent most of his unlife here.
When he�d finished, he went back into the living room to find Buffy collapsed on the couch, the remote in her hand.
"So, I�m guess we�re watching the videos again."
"Yep."
Spike sat down next to her, and said, "So what�re you waiting for, luv."
"Oh, right." She pressed play, and watched as the episode started.
They were cleaning out the house, getting rid of anything to do with magic. Which probably meant that they wouldn�t have anything left in the house once they�d finished. Spike smiled to himself and slouched down into the soft material.
<"Any reminder of, of what it is that she's trying to stay away from, you know, could cause her to... give in to temptation.">
"Hey, that�s my lighter!"
<"And that would be bad.">
"What are you doing? Why are you throwing away my lighter?"
"What are you looking at me for? It�s not like I did it yet."
"Bloody special is that lighter. Got it in the seventies. Not gonna let you just chuck it now, am I?"
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Spike." It was just a lighter. She didn�t know why he was making such a fuss. If it was that old, he definitely needed a new one.
"Right then, Slayer, I�ll just chuck Mr Gordo away next time I see him."
"You wouldn�t dare!"
"Would too!"
"Would not!"
"Would too!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"Too!"
"Not!"
"Ha!" Buffy said triumphantly. "Gotcha!"
"You do realise that was beyond childish, pet?"
"Don�t care."
Spike just shook his head, and turned back to the TV.
The nerds were testing out some new machine gun type thing. He glanced at Buffy, and she frowned.
"If they�ve made themselves a decent weapon, we could end up with a serious problem."
She leaned forward slightly as Warren aimed the gun, pulled the trigger, and turned the chair... invisible?
"Oh my God! An invisibility ray? That�s their world conquering weapon?!"
"It could be dangerous, luv."
"How?"
"Well... they could turn... um... fine then!"
"Yeah! You�re right! They�re unstoppable!"
Spike just hit her on the arm.
"Ow!"
"I didn�t hit you very hard."
"Yeah, but, super-strength!"
"What? You mean the super strength which isn�t as strong as yours?"
"But still!"
Spike shook his head in dismay, and turned back to the screen.
"Spike! Spike! Are you ignoring me? Spike!!!"
********
<"I�m scared. What if we get caught?">
<"No way, we�ll be invisible. Plus their security�s gotten lax.">
Buffy frowned slightly. What were they going to do? Whatever it was, it sounded dangerous.
When they walked around the corner, however, she burst out laughing.
"Their master plan is to sneak into the spa?! God, they�ve done some stupid things, but this..." she broke off as she bent over double from laughing.
She gained her composure in time to see herself get hit by a stray beam from the ray. She then instantly turned invisible.
"Cool!"
*******
<"I am the ghost of fashion victims past. Studded caps? Not a good idea?">
"Scaring the public, are we now, Slayer?" Spike said with a smirk. "What happened to you being all good, an� all?"
"I am being good. I mean, I was saving her from herself! Studded caps? Can you say over?!"
"Not telling you off, pet, just wondering."
"You know what else is over?" She said with a grin to rival his. "The whole Billy Idol look."
"Hey! This is not the Billy Idol look! He nicked the look from me!"
"Why would anyone want to take that look. Especially a vampire. How do you even sneak up on your victims with hair that bright? I�m surprised it doesn�t glow in the dark." She burst into a fresh wave of giggles, and collapsed sideways to spread out over the whole couch.
"What now, luv?"
"I�m just seeing you with glow in the dark hair. It�s kinda cool."
Spike glanced at the screen to see what he assumed was Buffy stealing a policeman�s cart.
"Stealing, now, is it? You sink lower every day, pet."
"Do not!"
"I�m not falling for that one again."
Buffy just stuck her tongue out at him.
*********
Buffy frowned as Xander started moving through Spike�s crypt. This was worrying. What happened if he found them together? Not a good thought. Which prompted her to think about another problem. When was she to tell Xander about the two of them. Willow knew, and she was pretty sure Dawn had figured it out too. Anya wouldn�t care. The only thing Buffy was worried about with her was the inevitable discussion about what it was like to sleep with the undead, but that was nothing compared to how Xander would react. Sighing, she excepted the fact that there were going to be arguments. And probably quite big ones.
She was brought out of her thoughts by Spike�s loud laugh. Jumping, she looked at the screen to see him, well, moving under the covers, with Xander watching in horror. A small giggle escaped her. She couldn�t help it. Xander�s face was just so funny.
<"What are you doing?">
<"What am I... what does it look like I�m doing, you nit? I�m exercising, aren�t I?">
<"Exercising. Naked. In bed.">
"Git," Spike said bitterly.
"Spike!"
"What? He is! You�re invisible, he saw us together that morning, and he comes into my crypt, without knocking, and sees me doing that, and he still doesn�t put two and two together?!"
"Well, there�s still no excuse for name calling."
"So what do you call what you do to me?"
"Abusive nicknaming."
"Right, Slayer."
<"The only reason you�re here is because you�re not here.">
<"Right. Of course, as usual there's something wrong with Buffy. She came back all wrong.">
Buffy hung her head sadly. She hadn�t told him, but what Spike had said in that episode had been preying on her mind. Why could he hit her?
Spike turned to see tears forming in the Slayer�s eyes.
"Buffy, what�s wrong?"
Buffy shook her head, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "It�s just... the things you said, about me being a demon. I... it upset me a bit, that�s all."
"Why didn�t you tell me?"
"I don�t know."
Spike took Buffy in his arms and held her close. "Look, I�m sorry, luv, okay? I didn�t mean to upset you. I was just upset. Well, I think I was upset, it hasn�t happened yet. But, there could be loads of reasons why it isn�t working on you. Maybe it�s cos of your Slayer ability. Got it all confused. Being a Slayer�s not exactly human, is it?"
"But it�s not just humans, is it? It�s all living things. I mean, you can�t even pick flowers."
"Hey! Yes I can! Who told you that? Was it the Bit?! I can too pick flowers!"
"Sure, Spike. Why would you want to, anyway? I thought Big Bad�s don�t do that sort of thing."
If Spike could�ve blushed, she was sure he would have then. "I don�t. It�s the principle of the thing."
"Right, Spike."
"I don�t!"
"Sure, Spike. Whatever you say."
Buffy yawned slightly as she put the next tape in. She needed to keep an eye on the time. Willow could come back from the Bronze, and if she saw them watching themselves on the TV, there would definitely be questions.
Trying to ignore that thought for the moment, she snuggled back onto the couch, and watched the episode start. It was a fairly slow start, mind. Just the other Scoobies sitting around, talking about her. It sounded like she had got herself a job, but none of them were mentioning what it was. *Not good* she thought. *If they�re not mentioning it, it can�t be good.*
She blushed crimson when she saw herself enter the room, dressed completely in orange with the world�s stupidest hat on her head.
"Nice look, luv."
"Shut up, Spike."
"It was a compliment!"
"Whatever."
"I mean it. Orange is a good colour for you. Makes you look all... traffic coney."
Buffy smacked Spike round the head, as hard as she could.
"Ow! What was that for?"
She just glowered at him, and turned back to the screen.
A few minutes later, he spoke again.
"What I wanna know, luv, is if you�re so poor, why do you keep buying all these brand new designer clothes to wear? Aren�t your other 5 million pairs of trousers decent enough? And do you really need another jumper to go with them?"
Buffy scowled, and tossed her hair over her shoulder like the girl in the shampoo commercial. "A girl needs to keep up with the latest style. It�s not like you, who only has one t-shirt, one pair of jeans and one pair of boots."
"I�ll have you know I have lots of different shirts!" Buffy gave him a look, and he continued. "They�re all exactly the same, but I still have a bunch of �em."
Buffy shook her head, and tried to carry on watching the episode. After a while, though, she got fidgety.
"Luv, could you at least try to sit still. You�re causing a mini earthquake here."
"It�s just... this episode is so boring. Can�t we do something else?"
"Like what?"
"Like... go on the internet?"
"If we must, luv."
Buffy giggled, bounced of the couch, and ran into the dining room. Spike slowly followed her, not bothering to stop the tape. When he got to the table he saw that Buffy had already logged on, and was quickly typing something into the search engine.
He leaned closer to read what she had put. "Fanfiction?"
"Yeah! It was so funny last time we read some, so I thought, why not read some more?"
Spike pretended to collapse in the chair from shock. "Buffy Summers wanting to do some reading? Willingly?!"
"Shut up, Spike." She pressed search, and watched as the options appeared. "FanFiction.net. That sounds good." She clicked the link, and then proceeded to make her way to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer section of the site.
"Right, there we go. Now all we need to do is choose a fic."
They scrolled through the options for a few minutes, before Spike noticed one which sounded good.
"Hey, look at this one, Slayer. �Fifty Fifty, by PassionFish.� Says it has audience participation. Shall we have a look?"
"Your call."
Spike clicked the link and started to read the fic.
"�Buffy smirked at her opponent, brandishing her stake threateningly.�
�Her opponent just smirked right back, as they continued to circle one another.�"
"Alright, Spike. You don�t have to read it out loud!"
"Just thought you�d want a little help, luv, seeing as you haven�t read anything since High School."
"I have too!"
"What?"
"Well... fashion magazines, and the TV guide, and the menu at McDonalds. See, I read lots of things!"
"Well, if you can read, Slayer, then do so!"
She stuck her tongue out at him, but he didn�t notice, as he was too busy reading the fic in front of him. It was about him making a bet with Buffy. Kinda like real life, in fact, as he and Buffy often made bets to pass the boring hours in the cemetery. This was a stupid bet though. If Buffy won, he had to give her driving lessons, which was very scary. He�d experienced Buffy�s driving, and never wanted to again. However, if he won, she had to ask him to dance. Such a lame bet. He�d come up with much better ones in his unlife. Could have possibilities though, depending on how it went.
When he got to the end, he started tapping his fingers on the desk, waiting for Buffy.
"Right, Slayer. So, what are we picking?"
"What?"
"Red-and-black or coral?"
"What?"
Spike sighed, and started to read out the last few sentences on the page.
"�If you want Spike to win... choose the red and black pill! If you want Buffy to win, choose the coral pill.�"
"Oh! I didn�t read that bit. I don�t bother reading the notes at the bottom. They�re just people rambling on about their favourite characters, what happened in last night�s ep, and begging people to review. What�s the point? I mean..."
"As much as I love to hear you ramble, pet, you gotta choose one."
"Right. Well, obviously coral. There�s no way you would win!"
Spike scowled, and choose the fic that had Buffy Wins at the top. Resisting the urge to read it out loud, he started to scroll down the page.
While Spike was shaking inwardly at so much as the thought of giving Buffy driving lessons, Buffy was grinning. *Driving lessons with Spike* she thought with a giggle. *Could be fun.* She was annoyed at the writer�s portrayal of her skills though. She wasn�t that bad a driver. She opened her mouth to comment on the idea of lessons, but was quickly cut off.
"No."
"But..."
"No!"
"You don�t even know what I was going to say!"
"Yes I bloody well do! I�m not getting in a car with you at the wheel. I wouldn�t even go near a car with you at the wheel."
"That�s really un..."
"Sorry, luv, but I value my unlife."
"I�m not that bad."
"Yes you are. The answer�s no."
Buffy turned away from him then, crossed her arms and pouted.
"Sulking now, are we, luv? Very mature."
She stuck her tongue out at him, and continued to sulk. Sighing, he tried to finish reading the story.
About a minute later, however, Buffy let out a sound of disgust.
"What now, pet?"
"This is disgusting. It�s like porn or something! These people are really sick! I don�t want to read any more." She clicked the back button, and started to look for another fic to read.
"Hey! I was reading that!"
"Tough. Now you�re not."
He tried to wrestle the mouse of her, desperate to read the rest. "I�m the one who chose the fic in the first place, and I wanna finish it!"
"Well, you can�t. I�m the slayer, and I say you can�t!"
"You stole that line from the fic!"
Buffy blushed, but tried to act as though she hadn�t. "So?"
In the end, Spike gave up. She was definitely in one of those moods.
*******
Buffy let the mouse hover over one of the fic names, then clicked it, deciding that this time she would read the summary before she let Spike get any further. She was sure he watched enough porn without her helping him.
"�Elizabeth Anne Summers is a champion show jumper, who can no longer jump due to a wrist injury. William "Spike" Giles is a Triple Crown winning jockey. The two meet when their parents join in a business venture and neither are on the other�s good side. And yet despite the hatred that flows between they, something more starts to happen.�" She frowned, and clicked the back button.
"What was that for?"
"It sounded like it would have more sick stuff, so I decided we aren�t reading it. Besides, it was ridiculous!"
"Why?"
"You? A champion jockey?"
"I�ll have you know that was my life ambition when I was human!" The instant he said that, he regretted it.
"What? You were a jockey? That nerd I saw was a jockey?!"
"Well, no," Spike mumbled, obviously ashamed of what he was about to say. "I was scared of speed and crowds and loud noises. I liked horses though."
Buffy giggled. "I hate the things!"
"What?"
"That�s another reason why it could never happen. I hate them. They bite, and kick, and squeal and all sorts. They�re scary things."
"Lemme get this straight. Buffy, the Slayer, the Chosen One, will go out every night and fight vampires and demons and the forces of darkness without a thought, but is terrified of horses."
"Yeah. So?"
"And you think I was pathetic, luv."
"Hey!" Buffy was cross to say the least, but couldn�t think of a decent comeback, so she tried to ignore it and scrolled through the list once more.
"You know," she said thoughtfully, "these people seem to know a lot about us. And they all seem to speak the same code. We should ask one of them what it means!"
Without waiting for Spike to reply, she selected a random user, elven-princess88, and clicked the link to email them.
^Hi^ she typed.
^Me and my friend are new to this website, and we don�t really understand what people are talking about sometimes. We�re wondering if you could help us.^
"Why do you keep putting �we� all the time, luv. I don�t give a toss either way."
"Shut it, Spike."
^Could you please tell us what �AR� and �the bathroom scene� are, as everyone seems to be talking about them, and we don�t know what they are.
Thanks a lot,
Buffy and Spike.^
"You can�t put that!"
"Why not?"
"Because these people don�t know that we�re real. Put that and they�ll think you�re stupid, insane or both."
"Fine!" she said, and changed it to ^Spuffy Fan^.
Before Spike could object again, she clicked send and grinned as her message went through cyber space.
Closing the email program, she looked at the fics this person had written. "Look at this one, Spike. �Surfing With Spike.� Do you wanna reads it?"
Spike nodded. "You pestered the poor girl with your email, so you�d better at least read her fic."
Buffy clicked on it, and was about to start reading when...
"SPIKE!"
Jumping, Buffy quickly closed down the internet program. She�d have to read it another time.
Spike had already gone into the hallway, to find Dawn standing at the top of the stairs.
"Spike? Is Buffy back yet?"
"Yeah, Nibblet. She�s here." Buffy followed him into the hall, and glared up the stairs at her sister.
"What are you doing, Dawn?"
"I want a snack. Sorry if I was interrupting anything."
"I don�t know what you�re talking about, Dawn."
"Yeah, right." She rolled her eyes, and started into the living room. She stopped dead, however, when her eyes fell on the TV screen.
"What�s that?"
The couple ran after her, to see what she was looking at. They had left the TV on, and now all three of them were treated to a show of Spike and Buffy having sex against a wall.
Buffy leapt forward, and quickly turned it off. Looking daggers at Spike, she said, "Why don�t you get your snack and then go back to bed, Dawn."
"What was that?"
"Home video," Spike said quickly.
"What?! You guys taped yourself doing that?!"
"Dawn," Buffy said warningly.
"I mean, if you guys are trying to be all secretive, the least you could do is not leave tapes of you two getting it on playing where anyone could see it."
"Dawn!"
"And couldn�t you find a more romantic spot than outside a fast food restaurant?"
"Dawn! Go back to bed!"
"But..."
"Now!"
She glared at Buffy for a second, then stormed upstairs. As she went, she said, "I�m just saying, you must have been really horny. I mean, a fast food restaurant?!"
"DAWN!"