| She shook the feeling off and drove home quietly, listening to the radio at a dull roar. No matter how much she thought she had sorted everything out, some of it still made no sense to her. No matter how much time she spent with Chase, this empty feeling never went away. She tried turning back to her writing for help, and that seemed to ease the pain from time to time. It never fully took away the loneliness inside of her. It was a weird thing to experience, and she had been feeling it ever since Evan left.
She pushed off the thought for the time being and focused on seeing Chase. Chase told her his parents had given him access to their cabin that weekend. She was excited to see it and spend some time with Chase. After returning home, showering, and getting dressed, Regan waited patiently for Chase to arrive. Once he got there, she hopped into the truck. She set her bag down and closed her eyes peacefully while she waited for Chase to start the conversation. In the next couple of seconds, that�s exactly what he did. She quietly answered all of his questions, and listened as he rambled a mile a minute. For some odd reason he had a lot of things to say, and she was just the person to listen at the moment. She had no desire to speak whatsoever. Finally, Chase broke down and asked, �What is wrong? How come you�re so quiet?� She shrugged, looking over at him. �I don�t feel much like talking,� she answered honestly. �Bullshit,� he mumbled under his breath. �You are the talker here. What�s going on?� �Seriously,� she said, shooting him a look that said she was not joking. �I am just not in the mood to say much.� �All right,� he said, still not believing her. They pulled up to the cabin and it took Regan�s breath away. It was the most perfect thing she had ever seen in her life. Chase walked up to her and grabbed her arm. He laughed at her, pulling her inside. �Let�s go.� If she thought the outside amazed her, she had yet to see the inside. It was large and peaceful. �Make yourself at home,� Chase said, letting go of her arm and taking her bag and his to the guest bedroom. �No need,� she mumbled more to herself than to him. Chase walked back in and saw the look on her face. He came over and unexpectedly wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. �You like it, huh?� She was startled for a second but instantly warmed up to him. �Oh yeah,� she answered dreamily. He leaned over and kissed her neck softly three or four times. She responded by closing her eyes and leaning her head against his. His skin felt so soft against hers, and almost too perfect. He sighed and released her. �I�m going to go grab some blankets, okay? Do you know how to start a fire?� Regan�s eyes lit up at the mention of the fire. �Actually no,� she said after the intensity of her eyes had gone down a bit. He laughed at how confused and out of place she looked. It made her look even more adorable than she had already. What with her pink Reebok sneakers, her glittered jeans, and long sleeved pink �100% Sweet� shirt, she was truly a sight to behold. One that he couldn�t wait to touch again. He came back out and started the fire while Regan laid the blankets out. She sat down, kicked off her shoes, and comfortably propped herself up on her elbows. She watched as Chase threw the wood onto the fire and sighed to herself. This was a perfect evening. It couldn�t get much better. Just as she thought that, the fire raged up to a big, spitting ball of red and Chase found his way over to Regan�s side. He lay next to her, put his arms around her, and closed his eyes. �Oh, Chase,� she breathed. �Oh, Reag,� he said, smiling to himself. She didn�t say much more and just watched the fire. She felt the warmth of it against her face and wondered where the night would go. Chase took matters into his own hands in the next instant. �What�s wrong?� he asked, still holding her. �What do you mean?� she asked. �You know what I mean,� he accused, looking up at her. �There was something wrong in the truck. You don�t clam up for no reason Reag. Tell Chase what was wrong.� �Uh oh,� Regan laughed. �Chase is speaking in third person.� �Yeah,� Chase said, not laughing. He let go of her and sat up, looking into the fire. �Tell me what was wrong.� �Chase,� Regan said, still chuckling a bit. She sat up next to him. �It�s not a big deal.� �Yeah it is Reag,� he said. �No it�s not,� she fought back. �Fine,� he said, turning away from her. �Then don�t talk to me. You obviously have nothing to share.� Regan�s mouth dropped open. She couldn�t believe what she was hearing. After everything she and Chase had ever been through, he had never been this blatantly rude to her. She couldn�t believe it. �Chase Allen Walker,� she stated firmly. His head didn�t turn. �You think you can control me and get me to talk whenever you want, but that�s not how friendship works. Sometimes I don�t feel like talking. You�re my friend and I thought you�d understand that.� He still said nothing, so she decided to continue. �I�ve never wanted you to do anything for me. I�ve never begged you to talk when something was wrong. It�s not fair. I thought you, of all people, would understand that,� and as she continued, she felt hot tears stream down her face. She couldn�t do it. She couldn�t face him crying. She got up to go to the bathroom. �Reag,� he said, grabbing her arm before she could get away. She stopped and didn�t look. �Huh?� �Sit down,� he said, patting the blanket next to him. She did as told, and when she sat down he put his arms around her again. �I know it�s hard, Regan. You obviously still love him.� She cringed at the word �him� and shook her head. �No I don�t,� she protested. �Yes you do.� �No! It took me a year to get over him and I am not about to start that again,� she said, quieting down. �Yes, you still love him. I know how it feels when you can�t have the person you love,� he sympathized. �How?� she asked, wiping her tears away. He sighed. It was finally time to tell her. He turned to her and held onto her cold, trembling hands. �Regan, we�ve been friends for how many years? We crossed that line this junior year. I know it and you know it.� She nodded, not entirely sure where he was going. �Yeah?� �When we crossed that line, it felt like it was meant to happen. Like we weren�t destined to be just friends.� She closed her eyes. He just had to go there didn�t he? She thought fiercely to herself. �Then, that very moment� The first time I ever kissed you� That was when it happened. I fell in love with you,� he said, looking away from her. �I don�t know. I never got the feeling you were in love with me. That�s why I never told you. I had a feeling it would never happen for you. It did for me. I got the impression you weren�t going to let everything that�s happened to you allow you to love me.� She sighed. She couldn�t believe all of this. Chase looked like he was on the verge of tears. Deep inside of her, she knew what Chase was saying was true. She had too much baggage left from Evan to actually allow herself to open up to anyone. No matter what, she felt that she would never fall in love with Chase. �God, Chase,� she whispered, startled by how raspy her voice sounded. �I don�t know what to say.� �Then don�t say anything,� he sighed, leaning back to look at her. �I have to,� she said, still whispering. She looked down at her cold hands and felt a tear come to her eyes. �He really screwed it up for me.� �What?� Chase asked, suddenly interested. He leaned in to hear her better. �I said he really screwed it up for me,� she said, lifting her head up and feeling the tears trail down her face. �Explain,� Chase said quietly. She sighed, knowing it was time to bring back her ghosts. �I really loved him, Chase. I mean, truly and deeply I loved him. Even though you already know that, you really don�t. It wasn�t a love you could abandon and then just smile and pretend it never happened. It was the most pure love I�ve ever experienced in my life.� Chase nodded and made no move to speak. �When I met him, I had a feeling there was something special there. There was something that we were going to build on. I mean, I still don�t know to this day if he felt it either, but to me, it was there and it was strong. Then it just happened. No matter how many times I told myself I didn�t love him, and how much I tried to not make it happen, it did. I fell in love with him. I wanted to spend my entire life with him. I couldn�t get enough of him. All I ever wanted to feel was him. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and love me forever. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to die in bed next to him. I wanted him to be the last man that I ever loved. I told him that all the time. Even when it wasn�t a relevant subject, I would say it. I wanted him and only him. I wanted to look into his eyes forever, and I wanted him to love me forever. I wanted to be-� Regan felt herself break down and cry. Chase made no move to comfort her before he let her finish what she was going to say. �-I wanted to be M-M-Mrs. Massinger,� she choked out. She put her head in her hands and sobbed. Her tears had been dry for too long. She did still love him, even though she thought she didn�t. Chase leaned over and held her. He knew she needed it. He didn�t need to say anything at this point. She still had more she needed to get out. �I really loved him. More than I�ve ever loved anyone before. I really thought it was going to last. I mean, we had plans. W-we had a plan for when I graduated. We were going to get engaged, get an apartment, get married after school, have two kids, and live happily ever after,� she sobbed again. �We named our kids for chrissake!� Chase was shocked. �I know what you�re going to say,� she said, cutting into his thoughts. �Didn�t I see it coming? The fact that he was going to get rid of a girlfriend he had back home? The truth is no, I did not see it coming. I thought what he said was true. That he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and that I was the one for him, the person he was going to grow old with. He always said if I wanted it to be over, it was my call, that he was never going to end it. That�s what he told me. I mean, for so many months I was afraid of this new and exciting love, and I didn�t know what to do with it. He had faith in me, and he loved me. He wasn�t going to let me get rid of him that easily. After I tried to push him away, I stopped because I knew he wasn�t going to leave me. But then� he did.� �Oh my God,� Chase whispered, looking at her. Regan didn�t look up, she continued to cry. �What?� she managed to choke out. �You really aren�t over him,� he said to her. �I am�� she faked. �No you are not,� Chase said calmly. �It took me a year.� �It�s going to take longer.� �IT TOOK ME A YEAR!� she finally repeated fiercely, jumping up and getting angry. She violently wiped her teary eyes and fought the hair that was sticking to her damp face. �IT TOOK ME A YEAR TO GET OVER HIM! I am NOT going to go back to the way I was a week after we broke up! I am NOT going to be a blubbering baby for another year! IT�S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!� she screamed at no one in particular. She kept her brown eyes gazing upward. �Reag, it�s okay,� Chase started, standing up toward her. �NO, it�s NOT!� she yelled at him this time, focusing her eyes on him. �I loved him! I was so in love with him I wanted to die for him! I would have jumped in front of a bullet! I can�t believe I was so completely dependent on him! If I hadn�t let myself become so attached, I wouldn�t be this miserable! I was too dependent! YOU DON�T UNDERSTAND! I just can�t� do it� when I loved him� I was too dependent� so when I lost him, I lost myself.� Regan then was on her knees, sobbing into her hands. Chase sat there, unsure of what to do. He had comforted her before and it didn�t seem to help. Watching her sit there and cry wasn�t something he wanted to do either. He walked over to her, kneeling in front of her. �You�re a successful person.� She laughed at him coldly. �In what?� He smiled warmly, picked up her chin, and wiped away her tears with his thumb. �In being a great person.� She laughed at him again. �You�re just pitying me.� �Why would I do that? I love you. I would never lie to you.� Regan realized that he was probably right and smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. �Thanks Chase.� She pulled away and put her arms around him, silently crying onto his shoulder. He held her until she was through. After she lifted her head up, she kissed him gently. She set her head down on his chest when she was done kissing him, and closed her eyes. He lay down with his arms around her, and felt himself slowly drift off to sleep. A little while later, Regan quietly slipped out of his arms and made her way to the bathroom. When she got back, Chase was awake, staring into the fire. �I was wondering where you ran off to,� he said quietly as she seated herself next to him again. �Just had to pee,� she said. He didn�t make a move to touch her. He continued to stare at the fire. She noticed this and lifted her head up to look at him. �Chase, is there something wrong?� He didn�t say anything for a few seconds and Regan didn�t know what to think. Finally, he sighed. �I was just thinking.� �About what?� Regan asked, yawning. �You mostly.� �Why?� �Why what?� �Why are you thinking about me? Why is it making you look like that?� �Look like what?� �Like you�re either going to kill someone or cry.� �I don�t look like that.� �Don�t change the subject,� Regan said rudely, knowing what he was up to. She had known him for far too long. He sighed in defeat and turned his attention back to the fire. �I was thinking about what you told me earlier.� Regan rolled her eyes. �I�m sorry about yelling and crying like that. It just kind of� happened. Sometimes I can�t control what comes over me when I think about Evan.� He smiled calmly and shook his head. �That�s not what I was talking about. Don�t apologize for that. Get mad, get angry. He broke your heart, you deserve a chance to scream.� �Well then what�s the matter?� He sighed one more time. This time he turned and faced her. �When I told you I was in love with you, you didn�t say much. It worried me. What were you thinking about?� Regan didn�t know how to say it in so many words. �Chase,� she sighed. �I do love you. I really do. I love you a lot.� Chase frowned, knowing that was his cushion. �I just don�t know if I�m in love with you. I have been battling so many demons this past year that I�m afraid to let myself love.� A ray of hope finally shone into Chase�s dark and depressed heart. �What do you mean you don�t know if you�re in love with me?� �Chase,� Regan said. �I love you. Period, the end of story. We�ve had an odd relationship this past year, and I don�t know what to think of it. I mean, I�m still in the process of getting over Evan.� �Can I try and persuade you then?� he whispered, leaning in and kissing her. She kissed him back, but this time, she was hungering for him. Instead of the comfort she got from his kiss, she received the passion. She wanted to let him into her heart and she knew no better way to do it. He shifted his weight against her, making the pressure of the kiss deepen. His right arm found its way around her and with all of its strength pulled her closer. She made her own advance by pressing his body closer to hers. And then it happened. She was trying her hardest to give her heart to him. Through the midst of the passion, she never stopped herself from what she was doing with Chase. Somewhere deep down inside her, she knew it was right. Somewhere in her heart, she thought she was in love with Chase. When it was all over, Chase wrapped his arms around Regan and pressed small, gentle kisses on her bare shoulders. She felt completely relaxed, warm, and comfortable. He made her feel absolutely beautiful and special throughout. Most important of all, it made her feel like she was truly loved again. |
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