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| It was only a matter of time before the word got out that Regan was in the hospital. Her friends flooded the telephone line at her house, begging her mother to tell her what hospital and room she was in.
Two days after Regan had been in the hospital for tests, she began to get a flock of visitors. Her first one was Maria, deeply concerned about her, and as inquiring as she ever was. �I called Blake,� Maria told her. �But I couldn�t really get the whole story out of him. He told me to come see you. Where is he anyway?� �He went to get me real food,� she joked, thinking of how thoughtful he was. They had joked around about how much the hospital food tasted like the food made by Play-Tel, and he promised her to bring her something real within the next few days. �Oh well tell me what�s going on.� And within the next few minutes, Regan explained everything she could to Maria. About the SLE, the history in her family, the causes and the affects, and why she was in the hospital to begin with. �Wow, I had no idea it was that bad. I�m so sorry.� �Nah, don�t be sorry for me. Just catch me up on what has been going on, I haven�t talked to you in forever.� As Maria told her everything she could about her summer, she couldn�t help but admire Regan for her bravery and courage to overcome the obstacles of her illness. It wasn�t easy to be in the hospital for a potentially fatal disease, and Regan was trying to pass it off like nothing and continue on like it was a normal every day for her. Maria couldn�t help but admire her. Suddenly Maria�s curiosity got the best of her. She had never heard the true side from either of them, and was anxious to find out what Regan and Blake had going on. �So, Reggie tell me,� Maria said when an area of silence hit. �What is exactly happening between you and Blake? I�m rather eager to hear about it.� Regan whispered, �Oh,� and looked down, a giant Cheshire smile spreading across her face. �A lot, to be completely honest with you.� �Oh yeah? Did I prove you wrong little Miss �I�ll Never Love Again�?� Maria said, nudging her playfully. �You did, and I�m glad you proved me wrong. If I had tried to push Blake away because of my own stupid fears, I�d have more to regret in this world. He�s the greatest guy Maria, you were right. He�s genuine, he�s pure, and he loves me as much as I love him.� �Sheesh!� Maria exclaimed. �It�s about time.� Regan giggled happily. �Yeah I know what you mean.� She looked back up and Maria was surprised to see tears in her eyes and a look about her she hadn�t seen in years. �He�s so different Maria, I mean, not just different in his own special way, which he is� but different from anyone I�ve ever known. He�s got this aura about him. Like all he�s on this Earth for, is to make people happy. All he wants to do all the time is put a smile on my face. He just wants to make me see how much he loves me. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me feel deep down, inside and out, that I�m loved by someone. That someone is undeniably in love with me. That someone would do anything they can to be with me, and make me happy for the rest of my life. And every day I pray to whomever is listening, and thank them for sending me someone as wonderful as Blake. Someone as funny, warm, charming, cute, sensitive, and understanding as Blake. Sometimes I feel that I don�t deserve him, and sometimes he tells me that he doesn�t deserve me. When you lay it all out, it�s obvious that we deserve each other.� �Wow,� Maria whispered. �You found it.� Regan was in a daze but looked back when Maria was silent for a few seconds. �Found what?� �You found the one thing that every person looks for their entire life. Regan, you�re one of the lucky ones. People spend their entire lives searching for the one person to be in love with unconditionally and be with forever. Regan, you�re only a teenager, but you�ve found the person you�re meant to be with forever.� She stared at Maria for a few seconds and then broke down crying. �I love him so much Maria, and I�m so scared to lose him.� Maria was now confused, and held her arms out for Regan. �What do you mean? Why will you lose him?� �I�m scared for myself, I don�t want to leave him, I don�t want him to live without me. That would be too much for him.� Maria now understood why Regan had been acting so brave. It was all for Blake�s sake, and to make sure that Blake wasn�t the one who was upset about all of it. �Oh honey, it�s okay,� she whispered, holding her and rocking her back and forth soothingly. �I�m trying desperately to be strong for him, but I just can�t� do it�� Regan sobbed, breaking away from Maria�s arms. �I put a smile on my face and pretend like everything�s going to be okay when he�s around, but inside I�m just screaming. I can�t help but think about what will happen if everything�s not okay.� �That�s normal, sweetie,� Maria comforted her. �Just try and convince yourself that everything will be okay, and it will.� Regan sniffled and nodded and heard a knock at the door. �Okay.� �Alright sweetie. I�m going to go now, but I will call you as soon as I can. That�s probably Blake, so wipe your tears and put a smile on your face for him,� Maria said, nudging her. �I will, thanks Maria.� It turned out not to be Blake, but Bailey and Trevor instead. Bailey had brought Regan a bag of Hershey Kisses because she knew they were Regan�s comfort food. Trevor bought Regan a small, pink teddy bear that Regan couldn�t keep her hands off of. �You guys this is too much. It�s not Christmas or Valentines Day!� she exclaimed. �Yeah, well, we figured you needed some kind of support. Being stuck in a hospital day in and day out has to suck,� Bailey told her. �Plus we wanted to do it.� �How are you holding up?� Trevor asked cautiously. �I�m getting better� in spirit anyway. Thank God Blake doesn�t have a life because if he did, I�d be alone here most of the day,� she told them, and they all laughed. Silence fell upon them like night did to day and suddenly Bailey�s eyes were full of tears. �What�s wrong hon?� Trevor asked her, whispering so as not to upset Regan. Regan heard them conversing however. �This is all so scary to me,� she told him. �What?� Regan wondered. �Oh,� Bailey said, wiping the tears from her eyes. �Nothing.� �No,� Regan demanded, becoming concerned. �Tell me.� �All of this scares me Regan,� Bailey whispered to her. �Seeing you in a white hospital gown, surrounded by all this sterile white junk, seeing an IV pole next to you, I mean� the TV is even white!� she burst out. �I can�t believe how scary it seems, just to see you here, even though there�s nothing visibly wrong with you.� �Bailey, come here,� Regan whispered, and Bailey did as she said. She sat down by Regan and she took her hand. �I�m going to be fine. This is the way that a hospital looks. I�m sorry if it seems like too much, but I�m really glad you decided to come.� �Regan you�re my friend, and I love you. That�s why I came. That�s why I�m crying, I don�t like seeing you like this,� she said, and took Regan in her arms. �Sh. It�ll be okay, I�m going to make it out of here.� Trevor stood up and took Bailey in his arms, while shooting a sympathetic look toward Regan. He let Bailey go for a second and went over to embrace his bedridden friend. �I know you�ll make it out of here. You�re going to make it out and be just as annoying as you used to be.� Regan laughed out loud. �Boy Trev you know how to make a girl feel special,� she said, chuckling. �I mean it Reg,� he said, putting his large hands around her tiny shoulders and looking her straight in the eyes. �You�re not going to be here for very long. You�re too strong to be held down by a white hospital bed.� �I know, Trevor,� she said, nodding and putting her arms around him one more time. �I know.� They stood and talked for a few more minutes before they decided it was time for them to leave. With one more hug for each of them and a thousand thanks for the things they brought her, Bailey and Trevor left, hand in hand. She had no more visitors that day, other than Blake. He came in ten minutes after Bailey and Trevor had left, and looked clean and healthy. He smiled at her affectionately, kissed the top of her head and then her lips, and took her hand. �I love you. I�ve been thinking about you all day,� he told her. �I love you. I didn�t have time to think about you, I�ve been too busy,� she laughed. His lips met each one of her fingertips and he moved closer to her on the bed. He put his hand on her neck and brought her head to meet his. Their eyes were closed as Blake spoke softly. �I talked to Maria today,� he told her. �You did? That�s great.� �Yeah,� he said, sighing. �She told me what you guys talked about.� Regan�s soft smile faded. �What part of what we talked about?� He lifted his head up from hers, letting his hand travel from the back of her neck up to her cheek. �Everything.� She remembered all of what she and Maria had talked about, and was scared to know what he would think. �Yeah?� �You don�t have to pretend for me Regan,� he whispered, looking into her eyes with a deep concern. �I know you�re scared. It�s obvious.� �It is?� �Regan, it�s not like you sit here and chew on your fingernails and cry, but I can tell. Every so often I catch you looking around and I see a pained expression on your face. Plus, it�s common sense. Anyone would be scared to be in this situation. You don�t have to fake anything for me. Sure I have been through a lot, and I�m really scared sometimes myself, but if you feel the need to cry about it, don�t be scared to cry with me. Okay?� She nodded and closed her eyes. �Okay.� �Okay,� he said, guiding his lips toward hers. They held it for a few sweet seconds before he pulled back and stared at her again. �You really said all that about me?� �Uh huh,� she said, finally smiling again. �Wow,� he said, his face lighting up. He took her into his arms and rocked her back and forth. �You really think we�ve found it?� �Of course,� she whispered, snuggling closer to him. �I love you so much Regan, you�ll never know how much.� �I could if I tried,� she said. �Not really.� �Sure I could.� �No you couldn�t.� She looked up at him playfully. �Are you insinuating that I�m not capable of finding out?� �No, no, I�m not insinuating. Flat out telling you,� he recited. She smiled at him, pulled him in, and kissed him for a moment. �I do love you Blake, and I think we�re both lucky people.� �We are,� he said dreamily. �We definitely are.� And if I had my journal, it�d be the perfect time to give it to you! Regan thought to herself, and kicked herself for ever even thinking of locking it in her hope chest. It was a form of comfort for her now, and seeing it in Blake�s hands would make her feel at ease. Regan was asleep in a matter of hours, and Blake watched her sleep for a few minutes before kissing her softly on the head, leaving, and thinking about her the entire ride home. Regan woke up the next day to see that it was almost ten, and smiled at the thought of Blake with her. Everything he did now made her smile. She was glad he had brought it all up and told her it was okay to be frightened in front of him. It was yet another weight she had been glad to get off of her chest. Another weight that was still there yet unbeknownst to her, was one that was noticeably lifted by the end of the day. Blake was there at noon to bring her something to eat, and tell her about a dream he had had about her the night before. He was always so vivid and so imaginative when it came to explaining those kinds of things that it made Regan smile to think about what their kids would be like. She too, was like that, colorful and creative. It was something she thought about endlessly when she listened to his stories. He told her he also had somewhere to go at one but would be back by at least three. It was something for college he had to do with his dad, and it wouldn�t take him very long. He said he hated to be torn away from her, but would think about her endlessly before he came back. And at twelve fifty, he kissed her; told her he loved her, and left. She spent the next half-hour thinking about him, and was in such a daze that she didn�t hear the knock at the door. Finally, a smile crept across her face when she knew it had to be Blake. Maybe he was joking and left to go get her something and was going to surprise her. Whatever it was, she was anxious to see her. �Come in!� she yelled in an all too knowing tone. She turned to look down beside her bed when the door opened and the visitor walked in. He wandered over to the bed as Regan lifted her head up with a smile on her face. �Hey there y-� she paused in mid-sentence, the smile dropped from her face as if someone had switched out the light. The expression she wore on her face now was blank, and yet all she could think was Why now? Why now? He stood beside her bed awkwardly, staring directly at her as he always used to do. Tall and lean, the fluffy brown hair, the inquisitive brown eyes, the lips that just begged to be humored and upturned. There was no question in her mind who it was, yet remained the question of why he was there, and what his true motives for being there were. �Hello Regan,� his familiar tenor voice rasped, and sounded as if he had just gotten over a cold. �Evan,� she whispered, staring at him unbelievably. �Why are you here?� He looked at his feet uncomfortably and shifted his weight to one leg and then the other before pulling up a chair and sitting down next to the bed. �Um� I called a few people and someone had heard you were in the hospital. I called around some more, found out where you were� and here I am.� She couldn�t believe it was Evan� after all that time. He had actually taken the time out to come see her in the hospital. He sat before her, looking not a day older or any different than when she had last seen him. It wrenched at her heart, knowing that she had been so in love with him at one point and all she wanted was for those hands that rested in his lap to touch her. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and made herself more clear. �Not how you got here, why you are here,� she demanded. �After all of this time� w-why? Why now? Why did you come now?� He looked at his surroundings, knowing full well she was going to ask that. �Because I got worried, hearing that you were in the hospital. I wanted to see you anyway, so coming here to visit you and see how you are doing seemed like the right thing to do.� He paused and swore to himself it wouldn�t be emotional for him. �I care about you Regan, no matter how much you�d like to believe that I don�t. I really do. I wanted to see you, and I was really concerned when I heard you were here. I have a few things on my mind that I need to say.� Regan looked at him for a second, trying to figure out his true motive. She found that he only intended to be there to give her support. �You have some things you need to say? YOU have some things?� Regan spat at him. �You really have some nerve Evan.� �What did I do?� �No, it�s not what you did,� Regan informed him. �It�s what you didn�t do.� �Fine, what didn�t I do?� �After all this time, you didn�t bother to call me once or talk to me online. I mean, sure you called me a few weeks ago, but that was one time in how many months? I saw you once after we broke up, once. And now all of a sudden, you feel like you have an obligation to come and see me?� �That�s not what I said.� �That�s what it seems like.� �You�re putting words in my mouth!� �IT�S OBVIOUS!� �How many times did you do that when we were together Regan, HOW MANY?� he screamed at her. �Every time we got into a fight you thought too much and tried to figure out what I was thinking and it most often wasn�t true. I told you that I cared and was concerned about you, and that�s why I came. I don�t feel like I have an obligation to come see you because you�re in the hospital. In case you didn�t notice, I had a choice. I could have heard about you being here and just been worried or I could have come. Look which one I did.� Regan knew he was right, but was so angry with him after all she had gone through when they split up that it was coming out now. �I�m sorry.� �It�s okay.� �Why did you wait so long to call Evan?� He stared at the floor and answered softly, �I don�t want to talk about it.� �Tell me.� �Regan, please�� �Tell me Evan. I deserve some kind of explanation as to why I was alienated from your life after you dumped me.� He looked up at her abruptly. �God Regan, I never wanted to break up with you.� She shook her head. �Sure. Then why did you do it?� �I thought I did at the time but the next morning I realized what a mistake I had made. What a treasure I had lost from my life. I never realized how important you were to me until I had lost you. There�s no one like you Regan, and I spent all that time after I broke up with you trying to find someone who fit in your shoes. I was frantic. I didn�t want to rest until I found someone exactly like you to make me feel the exact way you used to make me feel. But I couldn�t find them. You were so angry and so hurt about everything, I thought it would be unfair to you to call you and give you the wrong impression about things. I didn�t want to see you hurt or hear you cry. I wanted to talk to you about everything in person, but unfortunately every time I was down here I was busy. I figured this would be a good opportunity, but I knew that I would have to get past all of the hatred that seems to have been built up.� Her face softened as she stared at the hurt expression on his face. �Evan, I don�t hate you. I could never hate you. You�re the first man I ever fell in love with, I couldn�t hate you if I tried.� He smiled at her, and her heart squeezed with ache. She remembered the smile all too well, and had tried too hard to forget about it. �After trying to get over you by crying all the time, I realized that wasn�t going to bring you back. So I stopped crying and got back out there, always knowing deep down somewhere that I would love you forever. I was so hurt and so confused about why you wanted to leave me after you had promised me anything you could think of, but I accepted it somehow and moved on. I became involved in my own life again and after a while I forgot the little things. The way you smiled, the way you used to hold my hand, the way you used to throw your arms around me, tease me, pull my hair. �Then the bigger things started to fade from my memory. Like the way you made me feel when you smiled at me. The way your body always seemed to fit perfectly against mine when we would lie down next to each other. The way you used to kiss me in the perfect place at the perfect time. I even started to forget about that look in your eye whenever you told me you loved me. �But I knew, no matter how much I forgot, that I would never stop loving you. The love I have for you changed, but a form of it is still inside of me somewhere.� He finally looked back at her and she was shocked to find tears streaming down his face. �I can�t believe you actually just read my mind right here and right now.� He got up to move closer to her and she sat straighter up on the bed. �Regan� I have never loved a woman the way I�ve loved you. That night, I was so influenced by my friends telling me to be free, that I wanted to be as free as I could. I wanted to try my hardest to forget about my old life and start rebuilding one. That meant hurting you in the process, but that didn�t seem to matter to me at the time. Plus, I had been consuming quite a bit of alcohol then so a lot of it was blurry. But when I woke up the next morning, I got this strange and hollow feeling in my gut that something bad had happened and then it all hit me.� He wanted so badly to take her hand, but didn�t dare move toward her. �I�ll tell you Regan� I cried. For hours I cried. I haven�t told anybody about this. My roommates were too dead asleep to hear me crying. But I knew that I had lost one of the greatest things that had ever happened to me, and I cried.� �If you cried so much, why didn�t you tell me that it was a mistake� that you wanted me back? You wouldn�t have lost me then.� �Well, I wanted to, but I figured to let you cool off about it for a few days because I had a feeling you�d be upset with me. I had no idea how mad you�d be when I talked to you the first time, so I didn�t know what to do. After a while, the hurt of you being gone from my life kind of blew over. I hadn�t seen you in so long that it stopped being so painful. But when I saw you again� oh man� things just came flooding back like a tidal wave. I realized how much I had missed you and how much I still do. I care about you to no end and I will always love you. Unfortunately, I�ll never know your love from anyone else again.� She stared into his eyes and watched tears spill onto his coarsely shaven cheek. How many times, she asked herself, had she touched that cheek with the back of her fingers before? How many times had she rested her forehead upon it, closed her eyes, and breathed him in? �I�ll always love you Evan.� �I�ll always love you Regan. Please don�t hold me being an asshole against me.� She laughed and she too broke into tears. He advanced toward her, held his arms out, and embraced her. It was a long moment before they broke apart to stare at each other again. �That brings back memories, huh?� Evan asked. Regan knew the answer to that question all too well. She had smelled the same cologne he used so long ago, and the feel of his arms and his body up against hers was no different. �Definitely.� �Listen Regan,� he said, taking her hand and sitting down. �I want you to know that whatever happens between us, I�m always going to be here for you. I don�t care who you have in your life or who you don�t have, I�ll always be your rock.� She smiled, finally being able to look at the man in front of her and know for sure she couldn�t have him� and for once, she was fine with it. �I know Evan,� she said, wiping the tears from his face. �I know.� |