| It was four hours later at the hospital. It had taken her nearly that much time to wake up. When she had done so, she saw Blake sitting next to her crying. She couldn�t believe that after the fact that he had walked away, he was still there for her. She was also confused as to why she was in a hospital.
Blake held her for a long time, crying on her shoulder and once he had regained his composure, he told her what had happened. The doctor came in a little while later to tell her why she had passed out. �Your muscles and joints have been giving you pain?� he asked her once she explained what she remembered. �Very much so.� �Were they giving you pain at the time?� �Yes, and I tried to run after Blake but my knees locked up and it hurt too much to move.� �I see. Well it appears the extreme pain in your joints was a good determining factor in the reason you became unconscious. You�ve also been exposed to a great deal of sunlight, which is another reason for it.� �So what does all this mean?� Blake finally spoke up. �We�ve done a few tests on Regan, and found that her lupus has gotten worse.� �IT WHAT?� Regan screamed, jumping up instantly. �I�m afraid so.� �But that can�t be, I�ve done everything you told me. I�ve been taking my pills, I don�t spend too much time in the sun, I rest�� �Unfortunately, sometimes lupus can be an extremely hard disease to monitor and control. Sometimes it gets better on its own and sometimes it worsens without warning.� �But� what does this mean�?� Regan asked, crying. �Well, you�ve experienced a fair amount of weight loss, you�re beginning to develop muscle and joint aches, and it appears as though your fatigue is only worsening. The disease has spread into more parts of your body as well. You have what we call systemic lupus erythematosus, or SLE. It�s a very serious form of lupus, one that affects your vital organs. It can inflame and damage the tissues in your joints, and may even damage some of the membrane surrounding the lungs, heart, kidneys, or brain.� Regan�s head was reeling. �So what exactly are you saying?� �It�s only a matter of time before some serious things start to happen Regan. You�re going to have to stay in the hospital for close monitoring for the next few days.� The doctor walked out and Regan looked up at Blake. He was staring into space, holding her hand tightly, as if not believing anything he had just heard. �Blake,� she whispered. He looked down at her and his face remained expressionless. �I love you.� He looked back up, stared into space for a couple more seconds, and walked away. Regan sat up abruptly and watched him leave. She felt completely helpless as she stared at the door, and half expected Blake to wake her up at any second and reveal that everything had just been a terrible nightmare. She was not in the hospital, and the doctor had not just told her she had a debilitating disease that could affect her seriously. Blake was right by her side and had not just walked out of the hospital room she wasn�t in when she needed him the most. She looked around the room at her surroundings, and started to cry. Her mother had been called only a few hours beforehand and was now ushered into the room, sobbing as Regan had done when Blake walked out. They had explained everything to her mother and now she was terrified for her daughter�s life. She had been there when it all happened to her sister so long ago, and now she felt the same terror inside of her knowing all of it could happen to her daughter as well. It was the scariest thing to hear all of the symptoms of the same disease you�d known for too long rattled off to you, knowing full well what the actual outcome would be. The doctor had explained to her however that she had gone for so long without worsening that there was a great possibility she could overcome it. Regan and her mom talked for hours on end about all of it, and the doctor returned briefly to explain that she would need to remain in the hospital for exactly eight days to undergo all the proper tests. She would have to be monitored to make sure her health didn�t deteriorate as well. After a while, Regan felt drowned in facts and data and statistics. She wasn�t sure what was happening to her, and couldn�t stop thinking about Blake. Why had he run out on her all of a sudden? Where could he have gone? It hurt her so much not to have him by her side, telling her things were going to be okay, squeezing her hand, and saying �I love you.� She felt tears flood down her cheeks involuntarily as she thought of him. She stared at the door for so long, expecting him to waltz back in that sometimes she even imagined him coming in. A nurse came by around seven or eight o�clock with a tray of food. She set it down in front of Regan and insisted she eat up. �I�m not hungry,� Regan whispered, continuing to stare at the door. �You need to eat sweetie, get your strength up. Lying in bed depressed isn�t going to help the situation any,� the nurse pointed out, walking out of the room. Regan rolled her eyes, not even bothering to move her head. It had been such a long and exhausting day that the idea of picking up a piece of food, putting it in her mouth, and chewing it was completely ridiculous to her. It seemed like too much of a hassle to even bother. She wanted to waste her energy wondering where Blake had gone, and wondering if he would ever come back. Staring at the door for two hours and wondering over and over where Blake was had completely surprised Regan by becoming an exhausting task. She felt her eyelids flutter once or twice before she finally gave in and let herself slip into a world of sleep. She dreamt quite fiercely that night. The setting of the dream took place in a small, peaceful meadow somewhere Regan didn�t recognize. She was sitting right in the center of it, relishing in the wealth and harmony of nature. The sun was beaming brightly onto her face, the wind was blowing soft, cool air right through her blonde locks, flowers all around her were sending off their best fragrances, and the grass was soft and pleasant. All she really and truly needed to make the meadow perfect was Blake at her side. Unfortunately, the more the dream began to go on without Blake there, the worse the perfect meadow seemed to get. After a while, the sun stopped shining so much, and dark clouds overtook it completely. The grass became prickly and rough, poking her and scratching her. All the flowers that had been sharing their lovely scents with her started to wilt and die. The wind became hard, cold, and suddenly, like someone had turned on a switch, it began to rain. The rain wasn�t the soft, cool kind. It came in big fat drops, stinging Regan everywhere when they landed on her. She looked all around her for a safe haven to run to, but couldn�t find one. She even feared a tornado looming somewhere in the distance. The winds were certainly strong enough to start one up. Regan stood up, becoming drenched and feeling like she had finally hit her low. She couldn�t find Blake anywhere, and the storm was becoming so great that she soon could not see two feet in front of her. �BLAKE!� she screamed out several times. She got no answer, only the shrill cries of the wind and rain together. She tried to trudge through the unbearable storm to find her perfect meadow again, but only kept walking through more and more rain and wind. It seemed like nothing could help her, and after a while she became so exhausted that she fell to the ground and could not find the strength to pull herself back up. She woke up with a start, and looked all around her. She had been sweating profusely all night and looked to the window next to her to see the sun coming up. It was seven thirty in the morning and she could already tell it was going to be a long day. Through her hardest attempts, she found she couldn�t get herself back to sleep. She even felt ten times worse that day then she had the previous few days. Even though Blake had come to make his peace with her, she drove him away once again and found it was hard to live with herself that day, just thinking about it. She only wished she had another journal with her to record how unbearable the pain of not having him by her felt. Her mom came in to visit her an hour after she had awaken, and they talked briefly about the status of her disease. They were going to do a few tests that day to find out exactly what her SLE had gotten to and what they could do to help. �I had a really bad nightmare last night,� Regan explained to her. �Really? What about?� �Well, it started off all perfect and I was sitting in the middle of a field, and I was happy and everything. But Blake wasn�t there, and I could feel that in the dream. After a while it started to change. Everything wasn�t so perfect. It got cloudy, cold, and started to rain. I tried to find Blake throughout the whole dream but I just couldn�t. No matter how hard I looked I still couldn�t find him. Then I just couldn�t do it anymore, and I gave up.� �Wow,� her mom whispered. She had no idea what to think of it, but knew that if Regan was having dreams like that, the least of her worries was the SLE. The doctor came in to take Regan to get some tests done, and the tests seemed to last for hours. She wasn�t able to actually eat until around three that day, and by the time she was done eating, she felt more depressed than ever. Blake still hadn�t come, and whenever she talked to her mom, she said that he hadn�t called. It was like he had forgotten she ever existed to him. She had been given a diagnosis to her problem, and Blake was gone and out of her life for good. At least she felt it was for good. It hurt too much to think that he should have been there the entire time for her. She always expected that of the man she fell in love with. To stand by her in a grave sickness. She was only a sixteen-year-old girl. Regan had no idea what was going to happen the next day or the day after that, and she needed someone other than her mom to stand by her when she needed it the most. Later on that day, Regan tried to get her mind off of things by having her mom pick her up a few movies she desperately wanted to see. One of the movies she begged her mom to pick up was Here on Earth, no matter how similar the stories were, she wanted to see the movie more than she could stand to think. The entire movie Regan could think of no one but Blake, and it instantly hit her how stupid it was to ask her mom for that movie. All she did at the end was cry, and no matter how sad the movie was, it wasn�t bad enough to make her cry the way she was crying at that moment. She put in the next movie Where the Heart Is to cheer her up some. Once the movie really got going, she felt a tranquility that she hadn�t felt in a while pass over her and she calmly feel asleep. She woke up to a fuzzy screen and she grabbed the remote to turn the TV off. She turned her head to look out the window and jumped when a warm hand touched her arm. Her head shot over to the other side of the bed. It was Blake, looking sorrowful, apologetic, and deeply concerned. �W-What are you doing here?� she asked hoarsely, not daring to look him in the eyes. �I came to see you. I have a lot to tell you.� �Oh really?� she said, suddenly becoming angry. �Regan please don�t be upset with me I can explain.� �Don�t be upset? Don�t be upset! Blake, you walked out on me and this isn�t the first time. What have we been fighting about for the last week? And to think of all the times to walk out on me and not contact me at all! I was scared to death Blake. I still am. Not just for my health, either. I was so terrified I�d lost you. I�ve had nightmares, I can�t eat, I don�t know what to do anymore,� she explained to him, bubbling into tears. �I�m so lost and so frightened, I�m afraid of losing you and losing my health.� �Oh Regan,� he said, leaning over instinctively and taking her into his arms. He closed his eyes and felt completely at peace with himself again. This was how it was supposed to be, forever and he knew that. Not having her near had killed him and he couldn�t believe that he had almost forgotten how it felt to have her wrapped up in him. �I love you Blake,� she whispered, sobbing into his shoulder. �I love you so much,� he told her, kissing her head. �I�m so sorry for all of this. When I heard what they told you, I couldn�t handle it. Do you remember that promise I made to you, about how nothing was going to happen to you?� They let go of each other, but kept a strong grip on each other�s hands. She nodded weakly. �Well when they told you that your condition had worsened, I felt like I was the one who had done it to you. I felt like I was a complete shit for breaking my promise. I didn�t protect you from all of it, and I didn�t hold you and tell you I loved you when you needed it. I wasn�t sure how to come back here and face you when I felt so guilty.� �Oh Blake�� she whispered, putting a hand up softly to his cheek. �It�s not your fault. You didn�t do anything. There�s no way you could have protected me from anything. I shouldn�t have made you promise that, because I knew full well it might have been a promise you weren�t able to keep.� �No it�s not that you shouldn�t have made me promise because I understand you needed some kind of reassurance when you were going through a tough time. And even though I know there was nothing I could do to stop what was happening inside you, it just made me feel so horrible knowing you were sick and there was nothing I could do about it. I love you so much Regan, and I don�t want to see you in pain.� Tears welled up in his eyes and she looked at him thoughtfully. �I love you more than you�ll ever know Blake,� she answered, wiping away her tears. It was the breaking of the dam for Blake and he threw his head on top of her legs, sobbing and bawling his eyes out. �I just couldn�t take it Regan, I don�t want to lose you. I don�t know what I�m going to do. Seeing you sick is one thing but hearing about it from a professional is just something I�m not prepared to handle. I don�t know what I�m going to do anymore. I�m so scared, I am so terrified that you�re going to leave me that I had to leave yesterday and think about things. I love you, I love you, I love you so, so much. I can�t live without you. I want to marry you, and I want to be there for you for the rest of your life. That�s why I decided not to go to that camp, because I can�t leave you when you need me. There are going to be plenty of opportunities for me and I can always apply to the camp later. You need me right now, and that�s why I�m not going to leave you.� Regan listened to him, not believing what she was hearing. Tears poured down her face the more she listened to him, and she was amazed to find out that she felt the exact same way he did. She ran her fingers through his hair and when he looked up at her, she placed both of her hands on his cheeks and pulled him in for a long, much needed kiss. He steadied himself, stood up, and placed his arms protectively around her. After pulling her as close into him as he possibly could, they broke away from the kiss. She rested her head on his shoulder and breathed his scent in deeply. �I love you.� �I love you too." |
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