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| Blake explained everything to her mom. She had gotten home while Regan was still sleeping, and wanted to know right away what the doctor had said. Blake explained it all to her, and her mom understood full well about everything. She had greatly mourned the loss of her sister, and was always angry and confused as to why she died in the first place. The doctors could never figure it out, and it wasn�t until thirteen years after her death that they had finally solved the mystery.
Her mother was so deeply worried about the report from the doctor she decided to call and confirm all of it. After the doctor had given her all the details of the disease, how to treat it and what to do if it got any worse, she hung up and cried. Blake was there to reassure her, but she couldn�t help sobbing for the life of her only daughter. Regan woke up a few hours after all of it to find Blake and her mom watching her next to her bed. She frowned, sitting up. �What�s going on?� �We�re worried about you,� Blake whispered to her. �Well, of course. But I don�t get it. Did something happen?� Her mom shook her head. �I just called the doctor to find out some things. Nothing happened. It�s just very scary to go through, that�s all, but I�m sure we�ll make it through.� Regan sat up and pulled her knees up close to her chest. �I know. I�m praying for the best.� Blake walked over to her, kissed her on the forehead, and turned back to her mom. �I�ll take care of her for now.� Her mom walked over, wrapped her arms around her, and told her how much she loved her. It was times like these that freaked Regan out the most. After her mom had left, she and Blake sat down on her bed and she stared at him. �What�s happening?� Regan asked, her eyes filling with tears. �Nothing sweetheart,� he reassured her, not so sure of his answer himself. �Blake, I wish none of this would have come up. I can�t stand being treated like I�m going to die in five minutes.� Blake�s eyes widened at the mention of death. That was the last thing he needed to be reminded of, and he was quick to pull her in his arms as if he would never hold her again. �No. That is not what we�re doing sweetie,� he whispered, encouraging himself more than he was her. �You�re not going to die. We�re just concerned about you, that�s all.� �But can you guys stop treating me like I�m going to�� He calmed her and gently patted her hair before she could get the rest of the sentence out. �Of course, I will stop treating you like a piece of glass. You can live your life in your normal routine, but just add the precautions in as part of it. We�ll pretend it�s not even there, okay?� She looked up at him, and finally smiled. �Okay.� It wasn�t as easy as that. They couldn�t just forget about the disease Regan carried in her each day. She was beginning to come around, and fully accept what was wrong with her, but it didn�t change the fact that she was deathly afraid of what was going to happen to her as a result. She carried on like normal finally after a few weeks, and went to work each day, making sure to stay out of the sun as much as possible. She took breaks every so often when she got really tired, drank a lot of water, and after three or four minutes she got up the strength to move around freely again. Despite her frequent fatigue and extreme sun sensitivity, she felt almost like she had a couple of months ago. One particular day she drove home from work in high spirits. She had gotten paid that day, it was the weekend, and she was anxious to see Blake. He hadn�t been coming over as much as usual since they had both agreed to let it go back to normal. That didn�t stop him from calling constantly to check up on her. Blake had gotten a job at a record store in town, and his hours were not as flexible as Regan�s were. His shift usually ended at five, and he didn�t get home until five thirty, which meant he couldn�t get out to Regan�s until at least six-thirty and back home at ten or eleven. It was always a busy day for Blake, but he knew that if he needed to be home for any reason, Regan would understand she couldn�t see him for a day. She�d miss him, but she never complained. She pulled into her driveway that afternoon, and raced inside the house to work on a new story she had started. Events and incidents had been rattling all over her brain and she couldn�t wait another second to get them down on either the computer or a sheet of paper. She had even finished the journal a couple of nights ago, after she had come to grips with what had happened with her health. It was one of her best entries, and she loved reading it over and over and over. I came to a bright realization today. While I was wide-awake (what a shocker), cleaning my room (an even bigger shocker), and listening to some music, I looked out the window and wondered when Blake would be stopping by. And as I wondered where Blake was at the moment, I thought to myself about how much he has changed my life. He has done so much in the couple of months I have known him, and I can�t help but thank God every single day that I have been lucky enough to be blessed with a man like Blake Turner. Sure, it�s very pass� of me to say �Oh I�ve never loved anyone like him, blah, blah, blah,� but it�s so true. Evan was indeed, my first love, and no matter where I may go in life, I will always love Evan somewhere. Somewhere into the farthest and deepest reaches of my heart, I�ll always love Evan. I�ll never be in love with him again, and I�ll never love him like I used to. I don�t even think I remember that kind of love. All I remember is the final few months in our relationship. A sweet two hours with him was all I had to hang onto for weeks at a time. I don�t know how I could have survived on it. In all honesty, sometimes I want to thank him profusely for what he did. He let me go, and let me out into a world of uncertainty, betrayal, and confusion. But with that world comes pleasure, joy, and the exhilaration of being in love again. Even though Evan broke my heart pretty badly, and I cried for a year and a half about it, I still am very thankful for all of the time we shared together. Six months meant a lot to me. They always say love is blind. I guess that was what happened in my case with Evan. I was blind to the point where I didn�t see him fading away from me once he got to college. I probably should have known better. But I didn�t. And now I�m here. Often times I think about how it could have been with Evan and me, but I don�t cry anymore. I don�t have time to cry about it. I have too much work to do, and I have too much to live for to cry about something that ended. Evan taught me a lot. Being four years my senior, he was a lot more experienced and knew so much more about life than I did at the time. He taught me how to be patient, and how to love, and how to grow within love. I will never forget him for that. If I had a chance to say to him what I wanted to say all those months ago, I would say this: Evan, I want to thank you for being with me and teaching me so much in the time we were together. I never in my life dreamed I would fall in love and learn so much all at one time. I guess love never comes easy, and we both learned that as well. I don�t know if I taught you anything, but I know that you gave me the courage and strength to fall in love, not be afraid to fall in love, and to fall in love completely and honestly. I�ve always heard it said that when you do fall in love with someone, you should do it with everything you have in you. You may be more hurt in the end, but at least you gave it your all and lived it to its fullest. That�s a great saying for our situation. I�ll never forget the first time you told me you loved me, and I�ll never forget when you proposed to me. I�ll never forget talking to you about marriage or children, and I�ll never forget the way you used to react when I said the famous four words, �Because I said so.� Most of all, I will never forget the way you loved me, and the way I loved you. Love is a true virtue, and before you, I had not known the privilege of that virtue. You gave it to me so undeniably and so openly, that I was captivated until the very end. Even after the end. No matter how many regrets we both have, we both know that we would never do anything over. I certainly wouldn�t. If I did, I wouldn�t be who I am today. And I happen to love who I am today. You helped create that. And I love you. I guess you could say I learned something from Chase too. I certainly did. Always knock before you enter. No, kidding. I learned that you have to love fully and honestly and not hold back. Even though I can�t help but hate him for what he did, he was the one who was there for me through a lot of the Evan backlash, and he was my first lover. I gave myself to him and in a way, I feel like I�m still connected. Sure it hurts not to talk to him every day like before. It hurts not to be able to just call him up and listen to him ramble on about absolutely nothing like he used to. Sometimes I wish I could still do that. I can�t possibly do that with him though, because of all of the things that have gone unsaid and the high level of tension that exists between us now. And I still sometimes can�t even believe it�s gone. Poof! Like magic, it disappeared in an instant. What can you do though? You make mistakes and you live with them. Even though I wasn�t in love with Chase and probably never will be according to what my heart says, I still feel sorry that I couldn�t love him the way he really wanted me to. I wish I could have opened my heart to him, but I guess I still wasn�t ready. And I guess I knew somewhere, deep down, he wasn�t the one. I can�t force myself to fall in love with anyone, and I have to let it come naturally, or I�ll be too worn out to act on it when it appears to be there. That is what Chase has taught me. And even though I never talk to the bastard, I still can�t help but pick up the phone sometimes and try and dial in his number. I have to consciously tell myself to stop before I do it because for so long it came as nothing to me. I don�t have any desire to talk to Chase again, but every so often when I truly think about it, I do miss his stolen catch phrases or his funny little mannerisms that never hesitated to bring a smile to my face. After going through all of my past knowledge of love and relationships and my current relationship, I was brought to a realization that life is so fickle sometimes. One minute you could be happy, dancing around with the man you love and the next minute you are on the floor, crying your eyes out because you no longer have a dance partner. I never thought my life would take such an abrupt turn like it did when it comes to my health, but you live and you learn and you accept. I�m on my way to doing that right now. It�s not something that�s taking me a short time to do, but I�m slowly getting used to it, and letting it become a part of who I am. It doesn�t change my personality at all. In all of my life I have learned to accept things as they come, not make a big deal of the bad things, and live only for the good things. I want to wake up each day knowing that it can only get better as each minute passes. That�s all we have anymore. A series of minutes put together to form one glorious day. I spend my minutes thinking about my job, about the man I love and when will I get to see him next. I don�t spend my minutes thinking about what may happen to my health. It�s not worth my time to dwell on the bad things. I stick by one philosophy now, after having gone through the pains of Evan and Chase. Time has a mysterious kindness. It always gives back to us what we have lost through wisdom and memories. Love need not know age, religion, gender, or race. All it needs is to be plentiful and given at precisely the right moment. ~ Regan Nichole Stanbury. She smiled, reading it over again and slowly closing and latching her old journal. She placed it inside of her desk drawer, and knew there would come a time when she would finally give it to Blake. She had to pick almost the exact moment to give it to him, and the time had not come about yet. A while later, after sorting through all of her stories and editing a few, she heard the dog bark and a car door shut. She knew it was Blake and this time went down to greet him. A kiss and hug later, they were back up in her room, tightly holding each other and talking like they hadn�t seen each other for months. They were always so interested in each other�s lives, that it was almost like they were already married. It felt that way to both of them. �How are you today?� Blake asked, after a moment of silence. He had been thinking of her health of course, and was always interested in knowing how she felt. Especially now, and he didn�t want to make her feel like he was terribly worried about what may happen, but he couldn�t help feeling so deeply about how she was. �I�m good. A little bit tired, but I�ve been handling it well,� she answered, a full blast smile on her face. She was feeling in extremely high spirits, and she wasn�t as worried about her health as Blake always seemed to be. If anything, she had to put on a smile to put his mind at ease more than her own. �Great,� he answered, kissing the back of her head. He then let go of her and sat up to look at her more seriously. �What is it?� she asked. She had been in complete serenity just lying with him, and now seeing the look on his face didn�t put her mind to rest. �I have something to tell you,� he whispered, getting up off of the bed and walking away from her. Her heart sank immediately. �What is it?� she asked him, afraid of what it could possibly be. �Um�� he gulped, looking out the window. �I�ve been invited to attend a summer camp in New York for drawing, and it starts next week.� �All right,� she said, feeling relieved. She had thought it would have been something terrible. �No, it�s not really all right,� he said, turning back around to her. The pigment in her face drained again, and she watched his face to see what he was going to tell her. �What is it?� she wondered. �It starts in a week and I won�t come back until the end of the summer. By then I�ll be too busy packing and moving up to college to spend any time with you.� She stared at him unbelievably. �No,� she whispered to him. �Why are you doing this?� �Regan I�m not doing anything, I haven�t even answered back. But it would be an awesome opportunity for my drawing. It would be stupid of me not to take it,� he said, instantly defending his art before her. �But Blake, how am I going to survive the next two months without you?� she begged. �You�ll do it,� he answered, looking away from her again. Telling her he was going to leave was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. �Blake,� she said in the midst of her tears. �I can�t survive without you.� He turned back toward her and saw that she had been crying. She was looking out the window next to her bed, and it took him every ounce of willpower not to go over to her and hold her. �You can, it�ll just take you some time,� he said. �Blake I can�t believe you�re doing this to me,� she told him, getting off of her bed and standing closer to the window. �Regan it�s not like I asked for it to happen! I didn�t ask for a letter to come in the mail asking me to attend! I didn�t know it would happen and I didn�t want it too, so don�t blame me! I wanted to spend the rest of the summer with you, and I�m not doing it on purpose. I just think it would be a stupid thing of me to do to give it up when it could mean so much for my art,� he fought back. She shook her head and didn�t dare to look at him. �That�s not what I�m talking about. I know you didn�t want or expect that to happen.� �Then what?� he yelled. �What did I do? What can you not believe that I did?� Regan continued to stare out the window, still refusing to let herself look at him. �You�re trying to make me feel like I don�t mean like anything to you.� He tried to protest but she held up her hand so she could continue talking. �You�re trying to make me feel like once you leave, it�ll be like nothing happened. Like you didn�t just walk out of my life and I might not see you for another few months. You�re trying to make me feel like the pain isn�t that great. That it won�t be that great. You�re trying to tell me that even thought this I a huge opportunity for your art, and you want to take it, that you feel nothing leaving me. By doing that, you�re trying to make me feel like I should feel nothing either.� �Regan that�s not fair,� he hissed. He was beginning to get angry. �I never said anything like that to you. I never said I didn�t love you and I wasn�t going to miss you.� �Well you might as well have,� she shot back, finally looking at him. Her eyes were filled with contempt and anger. �You�re putting words in my mouth Regan!� �You�re trying to condescend me Blake!� �HOW?� �HOW? I�ll tell you fucking how!� she screamed at him, finally growing the nerve to walk up to him and stare him in the face. �You�re trying to make me feel like the innocent child by walking out on me when I need you the most. You�re trying to tell me I�m going to be okay without you for the next couple of months when you know full well how much it would crush me to see you go. You�re trying to make it sound like I have absolutely no feelings for you whatsoever and that when you walk out of my life until God knows when, that I�m just going to blink like it never even happened. Well I�m sorry Blake, it�s not that easy! I�ve been through this before and it hurt like hell the first time, and I�ll be damned if you�re going to make me feel like it won�t hurt even worse this time.� He gulped and looked away from her, furious and depressed all at the same time. Everything she had said had basically been true. He was trying to avoid the hurt he was feeling by making her feel like she wouldn�t hurt when he left. He knew it wouldn�t work, but it was the only way he knew not to break down crying. There was silence in the room and finally, Blake turned around toward the door. �Where are you going?� she whispered, feeling the tears pour down her cheeks. �Somewhere.� �DAMMIT BLAKE!� she screamed again, losing it for real this time. �Every single time we get into something like this you leave! You can�t keep flaking out when I need you the most.� �What do you mean by that?� he asked, becoming angry again. �I don�t flake out on you Regan! That�s the last thing I do! You want to stand there, screaming and yelling at me, because you�re flustered about me leaving and pretend that I haven�t been the one here for two and a half months, holding your hand, hugging and kissing you when you needed it the most. You claim you love me like you�ve loved no other man, but when you act like I�ve never been there for you and it�s easy for me to just walk away from you like this, it makes me wonder how much you really do love me. I can�t stand this kind of arguing Regan. I�m sorry I tried to make you feel like it didn�t matter that I was leaving, but I am so broken up about it that I don�t know where to begin! I didn�t know what to tell you or how to tell you that I was leaving, and it�s not like I want to leave you specifically, but I want this opportunity so bad that I can taste it! You�d want the same thing, so don�t give me all this bullshit about me not loving you because I decided to go do something that meant a lot to me.� �Blake that is not what I said at all,� she seethed. �I said you were acting like it didn�t matter that you were leaving, and I know that it means a lot to you to do something you�re anxious for, but pretending that it�s no big deal you�ll be gone forever doesn�t mean that I don�t think about what this could do to us. I think about what you have done for me and I cry because I�m so lucky to have you. Don�t you dare think for one second that I�m not grateful for you!� He felt hot tears pour down his cheek and watched them drip down hers as he shook his head and backed away. �I can�t do this with you Regan. Not now. We�re both too emotional.� �Don�t you walk away from me Blake! DON�T YOU DARE!� she screamed in an effort to get him to come back. �Regan I�ll call you later and we�ll talk about it,� he said, beginning to walk out the door. �Don�t leave!� she begged, watching him open the door and close it. Regan sat on her bed staring at the door and thinking of what had just been played out. It was a wonder she hadn�t lost him. She cried to herself, and for what felt like the millionth time in her life, she was alone again. |