Chapter 23

Two weeks into the relationship with Blake and Regan knew that it was intense. She tried her hardest to keep it a friendship level, but without knowing it, it had increased to so much more. They saw each other practically every night and if they weren�t together they were on the phone.

One day while writing in her journal at school, someone came in and handed her a slip to go down to the office. She walked down there casually, thinking her mom had called, when she saw a huge bouquet of flowers in a vase sitting on the office desk.

�Regan?� the secretary smiled widely at her. �A young gentleman called me and told me to make sure they were delivered to you as soon as possible.�

Regan�s smile was a mile wide as she thanked the secretary profusely, grabbed her flowers, and left the office. She smelled them, smiled, and watched as other people looked at the flowers in wonder.

She pulled the card out of the flowers and read the message in his handwriting. �You�re someone who amazes me. Love, B.�

Her friends went nuts over the flowers and Maria looked at them all too knowingly, not even having to think for a second who got them for her. It was obvious that Regan was falling in love with the handsome �poster boy� as she had once called him. However it was only a matter of time before she admitted it to herself and it would be even longer before she admitted it to him.

Their relationship continued on the same mutual pattern for quite some time before Blake couldn�t take it anymore. He knew he wanted to up their friendship to something more, but he was afraid of pressing Regan�s limits.

It was an extraordinarily good day in Regan�s life on a Wednesday afternoon in late May. She entered her house, about to call Blake and see what they would be doing when her phone rang.

She happily ran toward the phone, anxious to hear Blake�s sexy, smooth voice at the other end. She was completely shocked at the voice she did hear however.

�Hello?� she answered pleasantly.

�Regan?� the voice answered.

Regan�s smile faded. The voice. It was an all too familiar voice. A voice she hadn�t heard since the last time they had spoken on the phone in her mid-sophomore year. It couldn�t be him. It couldn�t have been. After all this time, why was he calling her now?

�Yes this is she,� she answered in a hushed tone.

�Do you know who this is?�

The same question he asked every single time he called her. From the first time he had called her back in her freshman year up until now. He knew that she knew full well it was him, but he had to ask anyway.

�Yes I do.�

�It�s Evan.�

She sighed in pain, hating to even hear his name. Especially said by him. �What�s going on?� she asked nonchalantly, however her insides felt like they were being torn apart.

�Not a lot, I�m back from school.�

�Yeah, I noticed,� she said, trying to smile. Her attempt was not met however.

�The truth is I�ve been back for quite some time but I never got up the nerve to call you.�

As well you shouldn�t have, she thought harshly to herself. �Well why did you call?�

He sighed in answer. �I wanted to see you.�

�Well my days are filling up pretty quickly.�

He sighed again, this time not answering for a few minutes. �I miss you.�

She closed her eyes painfully. After convincing herself for a year she was over him, realizing she wasn�t, and then spending the next few months trying to think of other people, he just had to do this to her. She couldn�t lie to him.

�I miss you too.�

�Are you doing anything tonight?�

She looked at her clock and realized that she was doing something tonight. She was going to go see Blake. A faint spark of recognition went off in her brain. Blake. The man she was falling in love with. The man she knew would never leave her, unlike Evan, whom she was talking to at that moment.

�Yes actually I am.�

�Oh,� he said, sounding dejected. �Well, I guess I�ll call back another time.�

�Alright.� Regan looked at her clock one more time, hoping Blake wouldn�t call right then.

�I�ll call you tomorrow,� he answered. Regan knew for a fact he would call, too. She had to give Evan that. Every single time he had said he would call, he would.

�Alright,� she repeated. �Then I�ll talk to you tomorrow.�

�Okay, goodbye,� he whispered.

�Bye,� she answered, and hung up.

She was completely dumbfounded. Why, she asked herself. Why is he doing this to me after so long? An inescapable hollowness ran through her at that moment in time, and she knew she was going to feel like this the rest of the day. She didn�t want to do that to Blake.

She fumbled around the room for her journal, and in the next few minutes, she was filling it to capacity again. She had written in it on and off since she met Blake. She was so busy going out and meeting him somewhere she barely had any time for it. She was still writing in it at school, describing her relationship with Blake and how she felt about him. It was easy to fill up pages and pages on end about Blake�s good qualities. There seemed to be tons.

Her sharpened pencil was placed down on the page and confusing thoughts poured out.

Evan called me. How long has it been since I have heard from that rat bastard? Too long to have him call me out of the blue just now. To tell you the truth, it hurt when I heard his voice. It hurt a lot. Sometimes I can�t believe I ever traded in six months of my life for him. Sometimes I want to strangle myself for ever having first kissed that idiot. That was what he was, don�t deny it. I can�t believe that I wanted to have kids and marry this man sometimes.

Yet sometimes I wonder why it ever ended. At times he wasn�t such an idiot. Sometimes he could be quite charming. Sometimes all I wanted was for us to actually get married some day, and I did want to go to Michigan State with him. That�s what I cried mostly about for the first few months. About why we broke up. I never did have that cleared up. Honestly. I wanted to be with him forever. He wanted to be with me forever. We would talk for hours and hours on end about our future. Then it just ended. �I want to be free. I don�t want to be tied down.� If you didn�t want to be tied down, then why were you the one who brought up marriage? It still confuses me.

Anyway, I can�t deny that I still love him. Even though he could be a complete idiot sometimes, I still loved him with all my heart. I don�t think I am as in love with him anymore. Not after meeting Blake.

Blake is everything I could ever want. He�s smart, he�s funny, he�s charming, he�s compassionate, he�s sensitive, and he�s patient. And above all, he�s cute. I find myself growing more and more attached to him each day. I don�t know what it is about him that I am undeniably attracted to, but for some reason, every time I think about his smile, I fall more into him.

That�s the part that scares me. Evan promised me forever. Did I get forever? No, I got six months. Chase didn�t promise me forever but he promised we�d always be friends. Did that work out? Don�t think so. Blake says he�ll never leave me, and I look into his eyes and know for a fact that he won�t leave me. But how can I trust eyes and words all at once? It�s so confusing.

And as much as I wish I don�t fall in love again, I can�t help but do just that.

The phone rang with a start and Regan jumped a mile. She picked up the phone, hoping it wouldn�t be Evan.

�Hello?�

�Hey, cutie,� Blake answered.

Regan�s heart jumped and her frown disappeared. �Hi.�

�What are you up to?�

�Nothing. Just writing,� she answered. �What are you doing?�

�Thinking about you,� he said honestly. He always thought about her, but he couldn�t tell her that.

�You�re cute. What else are you doing?�

�Well, I was just sitting around, being bored when I realized that I could be up doing something different. You want me to come over?� he asked slyly.

�Of course,� she answered as if it were the easiest question to ever answer.

�Alright. I�m on my way,� he said, and with that, he hung up.

Fifteen minutes later the Cavalier pulled into the driveway. Regan didn�t even notice. She was still intensely writing about Evan in her journal. The more she wrote about it, the more she began to miss him. It didn�t even hit her full force until she heard someone knock on the door.

�Come in,� she answered, aware of who it was.

The door opened and a rose slid in. �I�m looking for a beautiful blonde girl to hold me,� came the voice.

�You might want to try next door,� she answered, getting up and walking toward the door.

Blake�s head popped in. �Why would I ever go anywhere when I could be trapped here with you?� he said, his eyes widening for emphasis.

�I don�t know, but come in here you weirdo,� she said, reaching out and grabbing his sweater to pull him in.

�Here ya go,� he said, handing her the rose and taking her in his arms. He found more often now that every single time he was around her he wanted to do nothing but hold her close to him. It was like they were born to be meshed together, and it was exciting.

She felt the exact same way about being with him and she finally broke from him to set the rose on her nightstand next to his first bouquet of flowers, which were wilting beautifully.

�So how�s your day been?� he asked her, sitting down on her bed.

�Oh, so-so,� she answered, not wanting to explain about Evan.

�So-so?� he asked, concerned. He had kicked off his shoes and was not sprawled out across the bed. His 6�2 frame was far too long for the bed to accommodate him comfortably, but he seemed happy. �What is that supposed to mean?�

�Just that the day hasn�t been my greatest,� she answered simply, turning her back to him to close her journal and put it away.

�I always wonder what you put in that thing,� he said playfully.

�You do? Well, prepare for a lifetime of wondering,� she said just as playfully back to him.

�Uh! Regan!� he whined.

�Uh! Blake!� she imitated.

�I�ll teach you to mock me!� he screamed, jumping up, grabbing her by the waist, and pulling her down to his level. He put his hands right around her ticklish spot and moved his fingers rapidly. She couldn�t breathe after a while, and it was this kind of closeness Blake and Regan both loved.

After their fit of wrestling was over, they lay on the floor together, facing each other, still laughing.

�So, do you want to tell me what went wrong today?� Blake asked, taking her hand in his.

�Maybe,� she said, sighing. It was a big step for her. Usually she would have said no or changed the subject.

�Well tell me,� he said, concerned. He took her hand and kissed each finger delicately, and she shivered at the feel of his lips on her skin.

�If I tell you then I have to tell you the whole story.� She sighed at the thought.

�Well, then tell me. I�m not going anywhere.� He meant for the term to apply for the moment at hand, but Regan took it in context for their whole relationship. It made her feel good.

She sat up and he did the same a few seconds later. �Tell me, please.�

She looked away, knowing she couldn�t. She shook her head. �I can�t.�

Blake had been patient long enough. Now he was beginning to get irritated by her lack of communication. �Come on Regan! Out with it, just tell me. It�s not going to do anything but make you feel better once you�ve told me.�

�No,� she said, and looked away again.

�Dammit Regan,� he said, finally getting angry with her. Her head spun quickly around to look at him. It was a complete shock to hear him get angry. He had never gotten angry with her before.

�What?� she asked him innocently.

�You�re going to have to come to terms with what happened to you or it�s going to take over your whole life,� he said vehemently, surprising not only her but himself as well.

�What do you mean?�

�Every single time I ask you to tell me what happened, you say �I can�t.� Well I�ve been very patient with you the last few weeks about it, knowing that you would tell me when you wanted to. But I can�t take it anymore. I want to know what is holding you back. What is so bad about your past that it makes you feel like you�re a bad person. I want to know what you�ve got over your head that makes you think you�re easy to be dumped. I want to know�� he paused to breathe for a second. �I want to know what�s been holding you back from loving me.�

Her breath caught in her throat. He continued. �Regan, ever since I first saw you� you�ve done nothing but intrigue me. All you have to do is say a word and I�m more attracted to you. Every minute� every second with you is amazing to me. I still can�t believe I�m here with you. I thought you were an angel the first time I met you and that I was dreaming you up. But I realize you�re too good to be true. You�re perfect for me. You�re everything I�ve ever dreamed of. But you won�t let me into your heart. I want to know why. I want to know why can�t you love me? Because some jerk off in your past broke your heart? Big deal. Regan, that�s the past. It�s not the present. It�s not the future. But if it�s affecting your present so much, please, just tell me what it was. I want to know why can�t you love me?�

She couldn�t believe what he had told her. Everything she had thought about him had just come out of his mouth in his words. Why can�t you love me? The golden words. She had been wondering if he felt the same way about her she did about him.

Yet she was slightly angry about his reference to her past. �Big deal? Blake, you don�t know shit about my past so don�t come along and say �big deal� when you don�t know how hard it was for me.�

�Then tell me,� he begged, calming down and trying to take her hands.

She got up and walked away from him quickly. She stood by the window with her hands on her hips and watched quietly as the large, gray clouds that had been looming over her head started to leak.

�It may not be a big deal to you Blake Turner, but you didn�t go through it. You weren�t a freshman in high school that didn�t know what love was. You weren�t a girl who�d been in relationships that didn�t last for more than two months without getting completely sick of the person you were with and claimed to love. You weren�t a girl who was completely captivated by the popular senior that started talking to you, and eventually promised the world to you.�

He hushed as she turned around to face him.

�It happened so quickly. After we were friends for a few weeks, we realized we liked each other more than that. I was panicked. I didn�t want to lose him to my boredom. Every guy I had been with before him I had lost interest in after a month. I didn�t want to lose him that quickly.

�But it never happened. About a month later, we were in love. We were in that crazy mad kind of love. He said the exact same thing you said to me. He�d be with me forever. He would love me forever. He promised the world to me. You�re probably thinking that I was some kind of idiot for actually listening and believing all of that, but hew as my first love and I really thought it was true. I never once denied how much I felt for him. I would tell him all the time how much I wanted to be with him.

�One night he brought something up. He said he really wanted everything to work out for us because he seriously felt and seriously thought that we were going to grow old together. He said he thought we were going to die together. We talked about getting married. We talked about our honeymoon. We discussed where it was going to be,� she gulped. �We talked about our kids. Oh how he loved kids. We both wanted two, a boy and a girl, in that order. We named them. Drake and Adrienne. That was what we would have called them. You probably think this is so stupid to think about, but he was my first love. I did love him a lot. He told me he�d die for me. He told me he�d take a bullet for me if he could.�

Blake looked up at her incredulously. �And?�

�And�� she said, sighing. She turned away from him. �He left for college. But he wanted to make it work. He was always angry with me because I was the one who couldn�t keep the faith about it. But he tried. He really tried to keep us communicating and every single time he came down from college, he came to see me. We had it all figured out you know? After I graduated, I was going to go straight to Michigan State. We were going to buy an apartment together. After he finished college, we would get married. After I finished college, we would have kids. We had dogs, we had cats� we even talked about having my mom live with us when we got old. Evan really loved my mom.� Blake smiled at the thought. �But then one night, I needed to talk to him. I felt that our love was becoming one-sided. I felt that I was the one who was in the relationship, while he was just kind of there. Of course I understood that he couldn�t call me every two seconds or always talk to me online, but when I did talk to him on the phone, he sounded less interested. He sounded like he always had something better to do. I wanted to talk to him about it, because I knew he still loved me. I just wanted to restore my faith in him a little.�

Blake could see tears form in her eyes. �I asked him about it that night, when he wasn�t busy. Unfortunately the only way I could talk to him that was free was online. Most of the time when you talk to someone online, things don�t come out right and you can�t hear tones when you talk. It makes it harder. He decided then would be the perfect time to break up with me.�

�Well what did he say?� Blake finally managed to speak. It was an incredible story and he could see why she had trouble letting go of it.

�He told me that he was tired of trying to keep a long distance relationship going. He didn�t want to be tied down to anyone in high school, and he was trying to be his own person now. He felt obligated each time he came down because he had to come see me.�

�Oh my gosh, I�m sorry,� Blake whispered.

�Yeah well,� she said, wiping a tear from her eye. �Don�t feel sorry for me. I�m so dumb. It ended the beginning of my sophomore year, and I�m going to be a senior soon. I really shouldn�t cry about it still.�

�But you loved him, and he promised you the world and then took it away because he wanted to party in college.�

She nodded in agreement. She couldn�t believe how much he understood, and she had just told him the story.

�I know it�s hard,� he said, standing up and walking over to her.

�Of course it is,� she said, turning around to face him. She looked down, reached into a drawer right next to her, and pulled out a large gray box. �I�ve never shown anyone this,� she whispered, opening the box.

He frowned in confusion, looking down into what she was handling. She then pulled out a smaller black velvet box and he understood instantly. She opened it, stared at it, and tears spilled down her cheeks. She showed Blake then what she had kept a secret since Evan had given it to her. It was a small, silver ring with a single diamond in a heart shape on the center.

�He couldn�t afford much bigger,� Regan explained. �I�ll never forget the night he gave it to me.�

Blake was dumbfounded. Engaged. Regan had been engaged, and she hadn�t bothered to tell anyone but him since the engagement had broken.

�Why didn�t you tell me?�

Regan shrugged. �I didn�t want to bring it up. It hurts too much sometimes.�

�I can�t believe you were engaged,� he whispered, going to sit on her bed as he continued to stare at it.

�Oh I definitely was,� she said softly. �He always told me how much he wanted to wait until I was eighteen and he was financially secure before he proposed, but he surprised me.�

He shook his head. �I mean� you were� how old?�

�Fourteen,� she answered him. �I was just about to become fifteen. But I was still really young.�

�Wow�� he muttered.

�We were up here, in my room, like we usually were, watching a movie. It happened to be a movie I had picked and I was in a real romantic mood so I picked a romance movie. It apparently worked out to be perfect because during a love scene, he kissed me softly, told me how much he loved me, got down on one knee and told me he wanted to be with me forever.�

Blake�s jaw dropped. He then realized how stupid he had been to press her about him. �I�m so sorry Regan,� he said.

�It doesn�t stop there,� she said and explained the whole Chase story to him.

�Oh wow. Regan I had no idea.�

�I didn�t either. I was the one with the bastards,� she said, trying to make light of it. In actuality, she was crying hard on the inside and letting the tears spill on the outside.

�It�s alright, Regan come here,� he beckoned.

She reluctantly walked toward him and sat down on the bed by him. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her tightly to him. �I�m not Evan. I�m not Chase. I�m not going to leave you.�

She finally let the dam break and started crying. �How do I know for sure?�

�Trust me Regan, I�m not the type of person who just loves you and leaves you. I�ve never been like that,� he said, recalling his own sad story.

�How do I know? I don�t know you like you think I do. I don�t know anything about your past. I don�t know what to trust anymore,� she whispered, sobbing into her hands.

He sighed, knowing that after hearing her sad story, she would have to hear his.

�Regan I�ve never left any of my girlfriends. Ever. I�ve only had two serious girlfriends in my entire life.�

She blinked and looked at him unbelievably. �Sure,� she answered.

�No it�s true,� he answered, and she couldn�t trust that statement. He was too charming and far too loving to have gone eighteen years with only two female companions. It was hard to believe.

�Well, what do you mean you�ve never left them?�

�Oh Regan,� he sighed, rubbing her shoulder protectively. It had been so long since he had spoken of either of his two loves that it was hard to bring it back up. �The first girl I ever dated and seriously fell in love with was a girl in my grade. Her name was Megan. She and I were in a math class together, and I was actually really good at it whereas she was a complete idiot when it came to that subject. She was always asking me for tips and hints and help, and I was always more than happy to give them to her. You have to understand Megan was one of those unreachable girls that only talked to you if you were lucky. Yet every day Megan was asking me for help. Even if I had explained it to her before, she asked.

�Finally, I got the courage to ask her out. She accepted, and it just spanned from there. We fell in love. We were only sophomores at the time, but we both knew it was definitely love. Just like Evan had told you, I was willing to die for her. Take a bullet for her. I don�t know how many times I told her that. We were the picture perfect couple. Everyone told us how good we looked together, and I got a big head about it. Some people even claimed that we were so perfect and happy that it wouldn�t be a big surprise if we got married someday. Well, some guys might get scared at a comment like that, but I didn�t. It just made me happier to hear it. I was excited about it. I wanted to be with her forever. She was everything I thought I always wanted. She was funny, she was beautiful, and she was creative. I loved her. Each day I loved her more.

�It was Valentines Day, and Megan and I had been together for five months, and we had about three weeks before we went on to six months. I wanted to do something really special for her, so I rented a limousine (which on a sophomore�s salary cost me a few limbs), rented a tux, bought her the biggest bouquet of flowers I had ever seen, and found the largest teddy bear I could carry.

�I pulled up to her house around eight o�clock to surprise her. I got out of the car, walked over to the door to knock and then heard some commotion at the other side of the house. I didn�t think anything of it and continued to knock. Finally, I saw a couple of people run toward me, throwing snowballs and laughing. They fell into the snow, rolled around, and kissed as if they�d never kissed anyone in their lives before. They didn�t even seem to see me standing there. So I knocked again. One of them looked up, screamed my name, and I realized it was Megan. She stood up and looked at me angrily, demanding to know why I was there. I told her it was Valentines Day, I loved her, and I wanted to take her out.

�She looked right at me, Regan, right into my eyes and said, �I don�t go out with people I don�t love.� And then right in front of me, she turned around and continued to kiss that other guy.�

Regan looked up at him, completely shocked.

�I don�t know how much I cried, but I could barely stand going to math class after that. I wanted to transfer out, but I wasn�t allowed to. I was stuck in that class with the memory of us lingering in there for the next four months.�

�God Blake,� Regan whispered, taking his hands and squeezing them. �I don�t know what to say.�

�Don�t say anything. That�s only part of it.�

Regan blinked and put her head on his shoulder. �Keep talking.�

�Well, by my junior year, I had pretty much put it all behind me. I was in high spirits, and looking for someone else by then. Megan had moved anyway, and fortunately, she had moved out of the state. It was easier to walk down the halls without having to face her memory every day. Anyway, like I said, I was a junior that year, and I remained single until about December. It was so weird, because I didn�t even expect to fall for this next girl.

�I was at a basketball game, and she happened to be there with a few friends. I walked by her, not even thinking to look when I tripped and fell over her foot. She apologized, and I found myself staring at her the rest of the game. Afterward, I went over to her to talk to her and found that she was just as embarrassed about the night as I was. Her name was Kristen, and she was only a freshman. The next few weeks, we were inseparable. She and I were always talking, and I found myself falling in love with her. I invited her to prom, and she was ecstatic to be going. She was so cute about everything to, she would tell me about all of her planning details and I couldn�t get enough of her. I didn�t know what I would do without her there with me.

�Prom was a few days away when we were at her house one night while her family was out. We talked and talked and I told her how much I loved her, and she confessed that she loved me and I was the first person she had ever fallen in love with. That night� that night� it was a first for each of us.�

Regan�s eyes widened. A freshman� and he was a junior� it made her happy for him that he had not given himself to that Megan� bitch. She smiled in spite of herself, calling someone she had never even met a name.

�Well, after that, the feelings for her only deepened. I was so excited about prom after that, because I knew that my love for her was deep and true. Kristen was everything to me, and I was sure that we were going to be together forever. She wasn�t a thing like Megan and what I had felt for Kristen was nothing like what I felt for Meg.

�The day of prom� she called me excitedly to tell me she was on her way to getting my boutonni�re and to get her hair done. I was so happy, and I could hardly wait to go pick her up and see how beautiful she was going to look.

�But then I got the call that no one wants to get. There had been an accident. Apparently, someone had not been watching where they were going and slammed head on into Kristen and her mom. Kristen�s mom was alive and in the ICU, but Kristen�� he swallowed hard. It was so painful to bring up the memories. �Kristen had been killed instantly.� Regan let out a sharp gasp. �I spent my prom night at the hospital, crying over her. They wouldn�t let me see her body for fear that it would be too gruesome for me to handle. But I stayed there until my parents forced me to leave the next morning. I went to her funeral, and even though it was a closed-casket, I couldn�t bring myself to go up and say goodbye to her. It was too much, letting her go was to much to handle. I couldn�t say goodbye.�

Regan was crying now not for herself but for Blake and what he had gone through. Much to her surprise, and for the first time she had known him, Blake was crying too.

�I loved her so much,� he sobbed suddenly, and leaned into her to cry.

They cried together, and eventually, Blake lifted his head, wiped his tears and laughed at himself. �I�m sorry, I�m being so stupid.�

�You�re not stupid,� Regan snapped defensively. �You�ve just gone through a lot. I know how you feel.�

�Oh Regan,� he said, looking at her. �I don�t know what it is about you� but I feel like I can say anything to you.�

�I think the same thing about you Blake.�

�I am never going to leave you.�

�Oh Blake��

He looked down at her lips and back up at her eyes before he took her hand, put it up to his heart, and slowly but surely, kissed her softly. The kiss got harder and deeper as the seconds flew by, and it was a wonder to Regan why they had lasted so long without kissing. Their lips seemed to have been formed to fit perfectly together. He was a great kisser as well. He kissed her softly and found that the desire to kiss her had been greatly denied, and he had no idea how. Regan was ultimately pleased with the depth and sincerity they shared and found that afterward, they could not keep their lips to themselves.