Chapter 15

Only days after it happened, Chase had tried to call around twenty or forty times. The number was serious. Regan couldn�t even begin to count how many times she saw his name on the caller ID, his cell phone number, or hear the messages he had left for her on the answering machine.

Sunday morning she woke up to find Maria still sleeping soundly. It had to be at least eight o�clock in the morning, and she was the only one fully awake in the old country house.

Regan walked over to her window, held her arms in front of her protectively and stared at the morning sky. It was only yesterday that she stared at the same morning sky and smiled at the thought of having Chase near her. Even if she had something devastating to tell him, she was still looking forward to being with him. Losing him had been the one thing she was dreading in all of her confusion. She didn�t want to lose his great friendship or his wonderful sense of humor, but it happened. It happened in a way she wasn�t able to bear anymore.

It wasn�t entirely losing Chase that got her down either. It was the fact that in the course of eighteen months, she had managed to get her heart broken badly twice. There had to be something seriously wrong with her, if her heart was so susceptible to that kind of pain. She couldn�t handle it anymore. To her, the best decision was to block out all love as it came at her. She intended to do just that.

A tear escaped down her cheek, thinking of what she would miss. She would miss out on the love of her life holding her in his arms protectively. She would miss kisses on the cheek, forehead and lips. She would miss hearing �I love you� softly over the phone, in her ear, or broadcast loudly. She would miss having someone stare her deeply in the eyes, trying to figure out her inner workings, thoughts, and feelings. It was going to be an unbearable amount to miss, but with that, she would miss out on hurt, disappointment, and betrayal when she found out nothing that her love had promised her was true.

Maria stirred in her sleep and Regan jumped. She turned quietly to the door of her bedroom, and made her way toward the attic across the hall. Once she was inside, she searched through tons of boxes until she found what she needed. It was an old journal her mother had bought her but she never used. It was dark brown, and latched shut with a Velcro strap. Regan had always admired the journal�s weathered beauty, but never found the right words to fill it up with. Therefore, the antiquated journal was placed in a box, forgotten in the attic. Regan always remembered it, but never found the right time to pull it out and use it. Now was her chance.

She retreated back to her room, sat down at her desk, and opened the journal. She sat for a few seconds, staring at how beautiful the yellowed, blank page was. With her sharpened pencil, she began to write. She kept right on writing even after her wrist and fingers started to cramp up. She was writing well until Maria finally woke up.

�What are you doing?� Maria asked sleepily, tugging a brush through her mangled hair.

�Writing,� Regan whispered to her, not even bothering to stop.

�Oh,� Maria sighed; knowing that Regan wasn�t going to stop anytime soon. She helped herself to a shower, changed her clothes, and was back upstairs before Regan finished.

�Hon,� Maria whispered, placing a hand on Regan�s shoulder. �Don�t you think you should eat?�

Regan sighed, and decided to stop for the moment. She set down the then dull pencil, closed and latched the journal, and wiped her eyes. �I�m sorry. I just decided to let it all spill out.�

�It�s okay, I completely understand. Do you want to talk about it?�

Regan shook her head and got up to take a shower. �I�ll be back up in a few,� she responded, retreated to the bathroom, and wasn�t back up for a half-hour. The tears flowed down her cheeks like the water did, and all she could think of was how much her heart hurt, and how anxious she was to express it in her new companion.

After her shower, she went back upstairs and found Maria sitting quietly on the floor, thinking. They talked nonchalantly about nothing for a few hours when finally, Regan exploded. She told her everything she felt, everything she now thought, and everything she had been thinking since it happened. Everything she wrote in her journal was now expressed in her words to Maria. Maria in turn did her best to reassure her that things were going to be okay, and tried to dissuade her from giving up on love, but Regan could not be convinced.

Maria left that day, desperately afraid for her best friend. Regan watched Maria leave, unbelievably grateful that she was there, but feeling a sense of longing and emptiness she knew could no longer be fixed. It hurt to think that, but it was true.

Regan then went back up to her room, and continued to write in her journal.

They say that every person is meant for someone. They say that you are destined to be with one person forever, and that if you are truly meant to be, somehow that person will find you. Somehow, you will end up in that person�s arms, and when you look deep into that person�s eyes, you will know. Down to the very core of your heart, you will know. You will know that the person�s eyes you are staring into, are the only eyes you are supposed to stare into the rest of your life. The only arms that are supposed to hold you. The only lips that are supposed to kiss you. The only heart you are supposed to hold captive. Forever and ever.

It�s not as simple as I make it sound. It�s not that easy. You can�t just go gallivanting one day, bump into someone, fall in love at first sight, and get married right away. It doesn�t work like that. You have to run into someone, get to know them, become friends with them, fall in love with them, get hurt, cry oceans over their lost love, fall out of love, and continue again. You can�t find one person anymore. You find three million, do the same thing, fall into a trend, and realize that your search is over.

What search? The search for the perfect mate. The perfect person. The one person you are supposed to be with forever, to die with, to hold, to kiss, and to love. The search is never going to end, it is never going to give you what you have been searching for. Therefore the search is useless. What is the point of searching for something you are never going to find? I certainly haven�t found it yet.

The search takes you on a beaten and worn path, a path that is always going to confuse you and startle you, amaze you and bewilder you. This path is going to be run along so many times that you think you know what is coming next, but you are always startled. Even if those things do come to you all at once. You are still going to cry, you are still going to grieve, and you are still going to feel the pain of a broken heart. Because no matter what you do or how much you try to prevent it, the path leads you in and the path deceives you into thinking that things are going to be different. It makes you think that the search will be over soon. But oh no, the search continues and the path tricks you again.

The tears pour from your swollen eyes, and you glance around at the end of the path, praying that it will be over soon. Praying that you will turn over a new leaf, and maybe start a new path. The search even leads you to believe you are starting a new path each time, but after a while, you realize that the path is the same. You realize that every stone, every twig, every tree, every bush� everything� is the same thing it was the last time. You end the path the same way. Glancing around at what is, and crying, you pray it will stop. You pray the search will be kind and lead you to a new path, a path that leads to a new destination, a destination without heartbreak, tears, and sorrow.

But no. The search is endless, and goes on forever. It is a search you will spend your life trying to end, and die, knowing that the search defeat you. Weak people think that they have found the end of the search, but die, knowing that it actually took over and won.

I can�t let that happen to me. I can�t let this search go on forever and then ultimately defeat me in my demise. I can�t let myself get involved with someone, only to end with a broken heart, torn to shreds, and crying in a battered ball on my bedroom floor. How many times in the past two years has that happened to me? Too many times. It will end now. I won�t let Chase defeat me. I won�t let the search conquer. I�ve let Evan�s break up destroy me and leave me helpless so much that I can�t allow Chase�s to do the same. I have to be strong for myself. I have to overcome the heartbreak, let go of the fear, and move on.

But I can�t let it happen to me again. I can get over Chase, but I can�t be stupid enough to let the pain come over me again. I cannot let another man enter my life, looking for love like the last two have, only to destroy the shattered bits and pieces I have left. I won�t let it happen to me. I won�t let the continuing search for the perfect person take over and defeat me. I have to overcome the powers of fate and destiny.

I can�t die knowing the perfect person is only out there to destroy me.

�REGAN! PHONE!� a voice screamed, interrupting her thoughts.

Regan jumped a mile and screamed back, �Who is it?� hoarsely.

�I�m not sure.�

Regan sighed, set down her pencil, and went to retrieve the phone. She put it to her ear and said exasperatedly, �Hello?�

�Oh Reag! I�ve been trying to get a hold of you!�

The mere voice and the nickname made her skin crawl. �What do you want Chase?�

Chase picked up on her angry tone, and was quick to talk. �I want to explain it all to you, and tell you how sorry I am. Regan, I love you so much. She meant nothing to me, honestly.�

�Do you want to know how used that phrase is? I don�t believe it.�

�Well, it�s true. She meant nothing.�

�But she claimed that you told her you loved her. You also told me you loved me when we had sex, does that mean I meant nothing to you either?�

�Oh Reag, if I can only explain. You mean the world to me!�

�Oh yeah? If I mean so much to you, why did you go fuck someone else?�

�It was the hormones, I was drunk, the words �I love you� just came out. I don�t even know her name.�

�I was drunk. I got caught up in the moment. It didn�t mean anything. Do you realize Chase that I am not a child of six? I know how the world works, I know how men work, and I know for a fact that if you were so in love with me, you would have had the clear judgment to keep your pants zipped up.�

�Reag, please, I am so sorry,� Chase pleaded, and it was obvious to Regan he was crying. She however, felt no remorse. She had made the decision not to let Chase get to her, and not to let her heartbreak take over her anymore. She was going to survive it no matter what it took.

�Don�t call me that.�

�Regan�I love you��

�No you don�t.�

�I thought you loved me.�

�Well, news flash, Chase. I don�t.�

There was a pause. �What? You lied to me?�

Regan caught on immediately. �Don�t try and turn this around on me. I know how you are Chase. I was looking for you last night to tell you how I really feel. Instead I found you with your pants around your ankles. Excuse me, they were on the floor.�

�Well� tell me� what were you going to say?� he begged.

Regan sighed, now feeling no regret in what she was about to tell him. �Chase, you and I have been friends a long time, but I have always known, deep, deep in my heart that I would never be in love with you. I tried to ignore it, and I tried to pretend that I was in love with you, but I can�t do it anymore. I�m still in love with Evan, but that has nothing to do with it. He�s never coming back into my life, so I have to spend my energy in getting over him. I knew from the moment we first hooked up I couldn�t love you in more than a friendly way. I couldn�t love you like I could Evan. It just wasn�t going to happen. My mind tried to fake out my heart for as long as possible, but it just didn�t happen. I couldn�t lie to myself any longer.�

Chase began to sob silently on the other line, and Regan suspected he was crying. �How-how long have you wanted to tell me this?�

�A few weeks,� Regan answered with no hesitation.

Chase sobbed harder. �Oh Regan, I wish you would have told me sooner.�

�I would have, but I didn�t want to hurt you, and I didn�t want to lose you and ruin everything. So I postponed it for as long as I could. Guess that didn�t work out to well huh?�

�Regan, I�m sorry for hurting you.�

�Of course you are.�

�Regan! Would you stop being such a bitch for a second?�

Regan�s mouth popped open. �ME? Stop being a bitch? Listen to me Mr. Walker, I have a few very good and legitimate reasons NOT to stop being a bitch. I tried to tell you how I feel, in hopes that I wouldn�t lose you. I worried for weeks upon weeks about saying that to you. I would think how awful life would be without your smile, without you to laugh with. I kept thinking you were going to be so heartbroken you would never talk to me again, and it took me so long to get up the courage to say it. Or try to say it. The whole point is, when I was going to tell you all of this, I didn�t want to lose you because of it. Seeing you on top of some other girl automatically told me I lost you. Stop being a bitch? I think not.�

There was a silence at the other end of the line. �I�m so sorry Regan.�

�Well, sorry didn�t keep your pants buckled.�

Chase sighed once again and then chuckled. �I can�t win with you. I don�t know what to say to make you forgive me.�

�There�s nothing you can say. I�m pretty much out of patience with you. With men.�

�I don�t know how to restore your faith in me Regan, but I can restore your faith in men. We don�t all do stupid things like I did. Or like Evan did. I promise.�

Regan sighed, and felt a tear slip slowly down her cheek. �I wish I could make myself get over that fear Chase. I�d like to find someone to love, but I don�t want to get hurt again.�

�You won�t get hurt once you learn from your mistakes.�

�I thought I learned from Evan, but here I am again, heartbroken as ever.�

Chase sighed. �I don�t know how many times I can say I�m sorry Regan, but I am. I truly am. If there�s anything you ever need, I am at your service.�

�Charming,� Regan sneered, still upset with him. �But Chase, I have to go. I have some work that needs to get done, and it can�t wait.�

�Okay,� Chase said quietly. �Regan? I�m sorry once again. I love you.�

�Okay, goodbye,� she said quickly, and hung up the phone. She slammed it down on her desk and continued to write in her journal.

I just heard from Chase. He tried to redeem himself, and explain why he cheated on me. I can�t believe him. I can�t believe men. Sometimes I want to believe they are the lowest form of life! I want to hate them, spit on them, shred them, and tear them. I want to make them feel as badly as they make me feel sometimes.

Yet, I can�t help but long for the perfect mate. I can�t help but wonder where he is, when he will come, if he will ever get here. Will I know who he is? Or will he pass me by? Will I miss him? Will it be okay for me to love him? If I give up on love, I may never find him. Then again, maybe there is no perfect mate. Maybe it�s just a crock. Maybe there�s no soul mate; maybe there�s no �match.� I don�t know. I wish I knew. I wish I could fast forward and find him. I wish he would appear, and magically say �I�m your match in every way and I will never hurt you.� Then I would know to take that step, and then I could deal with whatever heartache may occur, as long as it wasn�t a break.

I don�t know. I�ll get there. I hope.

She closed her journal and sat pensively for a minute or two. After her thoughts ended, she broke down for the last time that day right at her desk.