 |
 |
 |
| �I promise that I will make an effort to come see you more often. Writing to you isn�t enough.�
�And I promise to write more often. I mean, I can do it. You know how I am.� �Yes, Cassie. I know how you are.� It seemed eons ago that Sirius had spent Christmas with Cassie. She�d been there at exactly ten in the morning, when he was just rolling out of bed. She was sitting bright eyed and bushy tailed on the couch, with six or seven presents scattered around her. Her hair was cascading in beautiful curls, framing her face. She was wearing a blue chenille sweater and black pants, looking lovelier than any time before. �Good morning.� Sirius, however, was not exactly dressed to kill. He usually slept in nothing but boxers and a muscle shirt, and this time was no exception. They were black flannel boxer pants and a white shirt that had been worn to the last thread. His hair rivaled James� and he knew there were bags under his eyes. Yet, in her words (he later found out) he had never looked sexier. �Merry Christmas,� he whispered to her, walking over and sitting down next to her. �Merry Christmas back,� she said. She motioned to the presents by her feet. �All for you.� He widened his eyes and looked around uncomfortably. �Uh� Cassie� I only got you one thing�� She waved her hand at him as she bent over to pick up a present. �Doesn�t matter to me. The only thing I cherish for Christmas is a nice, warm conversation. So, as long as you promise to make me some cocoa and start a fire where we can spend a few hours talking, count it as ten presents.� He looked around and then flashed her his playful Marauder grin. �Consider it done.� It had been so wonderful, sitting close to Cassie by a warm, romantic fire as they shared stories and truths about themselves that neither would have guessed. The only thing Sirius was really interested in was knowing why she decided to keep this one thing secret, and why it stood in the way of their relationship. He had longed all night to take her in his arms and hold her tightly. Cassie kept a chaste and respectful distance all night, but he saw in her eyes that she craved it, too. Now it was mid January, and as Sirius only had his Auror training to preoccupy him, his thoughts often drifted toward Cassie. He missed her immensely, even though they had both made promises to each other after Cassie left Christmas night. Neither of them wanted to go six months without seeing each other again. So, it was the first Saturday in January that Sirius had a break and he fully intended to Apparate to Cassie�s flat that night. He also had full intentions of pursuing her once again. He�d gotten her a very gorgeous and expensive necklace for Christmas, one that glittered and gleamed in the sunlight and held a very beautiful sapphire at the end of it. He�d had a message engraved on the back for her as well. It said, �To My Dozy Ravenclaw � SB.� He didn�t know what more to bring to her and offer her to let her know he was completely in love with her and ready to do whatever it took to make her his. He just wasn�t sure to what extent he was going to go. �Ding dong!� Cassie opened the door to her flat and smiled delightedly. �Sirius, what a pleasant surprise. Come in, I was just making some cookies.� Sirius stepped in and was instantly surrounded by the aroma. �You certainly are. Sugar then?� �Definitely,� she said, disappearing into the kitchen. �So how was your day, dear?� she asked jokingly. The mere contentment of hearing her joke in a wifely manner sent shivers of excitement up his spine. He wanted to melt right there. All he could do without it becoming uncomfortable again was joke back to her. �Fine, honey, how about yours?� She shrugged. �It was all right. I�ve been slaving over a hot stove all day, cleaning house.� Sirius smirked at her as he walked into the kitchen. �Where are the kids?� Cassie faltered suddenly and her face darkened. She looked up at Sirius and he frowned. �What? Did I go too far? I�m sorry,� he said in a rushed manner. �No, no, it�s quite all right,� she said hastily, turning back to the cookies distractedly. She was quiet for the next few minutes and Sirius was afraid he had crossed the line. Maybe even mentioning the idea of kids was pushing it too far for her. Maybe that made her think he wanted to commit right away. �Uh, Cass,� he said, breaking the silence. �Yeah?� she answered, still looking away. �I�m really sorry.� �Don�t worry about it, Black.� He frowned again and then left the kitchen. She was obviously still too upset with him to look him in the eye. He could understand why. He had definitely gone too far in implying they had kids. Well, implying they were married could have been taken that way too, couldn�t it? He sat down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. He could hear sniffles in the kitchen, and it sounded very much to him like Cassie was crying. She was trying to cover up the sound by slamming pans around and running the water, but he knew her tears distinctly. She finally came into the living room to face him, and he had been right. Her eyes were red rimmed and her cheeks were tearstained. He sat up straight. �Are you all right?� She nodded and gave him a weak smile. �Yes, yes, I�m fine. Do you want some cookies? They�re ready.� �Sure,� he said, nodding. He stood up and followed her into the kitchen. She pulled a cookie off the platter and handed one to him. They briefly touched hands and Sirius looked up at her quickly. �Listen to me, Cassie� Whatever I said, I didn�t mean it, honestly. Whatever is making you feel like this� I would never cause you any pain, whatsoever.� She set down her cookie and looked up at Sirius. She folded her arms around her mid section protectively and stared away from him. She opened her mouth to talk several times, but decided against it each time. Sirius was sure that she was finally going to tell him the dreaded �secret� she�d been harboring. �Don�t you get it?� she finally whispered. He looked at her expectantly, as if waiting for some kind of explosion. �We can�t make this work.� He frowned, his heart pounding in his chest heavily. �W-What do you mean? What work? Cassie, we�re not in a relationship. You�ve made it clear you don�t want one.� �NO!� she screamed, throwing her hands up and stomping away from him. �It�s not that I don�t want one, Sirius. It�s that I can�t be in one.� �SAYS WHO?� Sirius finally screamed. It was all culminating now. Everything he�d been so frustrated about was finally coming to the broiling point. He wanted to shake this secret out of her. Anything to make her realize she loved him and they needed to be together. �WHO is telling you that we CAN�T be together? Huh? So what if you have some deep dark secret? I don�t care, your SECRET is not what I want! It�s YOU!� �Sirius don�t! We can�t be �just friends� anymore, all right? It�s too hard! It kills me to look at you and know that I can�t have you.� �You CAN have me, I want you to have me! I�d willingly give myself to you at any second, you just say the word. You are the one holding our fate right now, don�t you understand that? You can�t just let it slip because you�re afraid I�ll hate you because of some stupid secret.� And then, surprising the both of them, Cassie did something she�d never done before. She turned to Sirius and slapped him hard across the face. �It is not stupid. It�s something that happened to me a long time ago, something that can�t be fixed. What if it does hinder our relationship? What if after I tell you, you decide you don�t want to be with me? Stupid you say? Well, Sirius, you are the one who�s stupid.� Sirius stared at her incredulously. He couldn�t believe she had had the nerve to slap him, and on top of all that, he couldn�t believe the things she was saying to him. Like he didn�t care about her at all? Like some secret would honestly change how he felt about Cassie? �You didn�t murder anyone did you?� She was taken aback and then answered, �Of course not.� �Do you serve for the Dark side?� Looking affronted, she said, �NO!� �Then what can you honestly think will just automatically turn off my love for you? Why can�t I love you? Why can�t you love me? Why do we have to play this game? We�re adults, for Merlin�s sake. Let�s set aside this stupid, petty fa�ade and just be together. You know I�m not going to leave you. You know that when I walk out that door, in a matter of days, I�m going to be right back again. You know deep in your heart that I would never just forget about you. You could stab me right now, Cassie. You could slap me all you wanted, curse me, and hex me into oblivion, and I�d come crawling back on all fours, begging your love. You just remember that.� Sirius turned to go and Cassie watched him leave until he got to the door. �Love is too hard.� He stopped and then turned back around to face her. �Excuse me?� �When I was in love with Chris, everything was perfect. Butterflies, roses, candy, romance� it was wonderful. And then he deserted me but not before he did something so hateful to me that I would never forgive him. I live with that to this day, Sirius. I walk around in love with you, but the pain of loving you is too hard on me. I can�t face you like this, knowing how hard it was to lose Chris and to suffer what he did to me. I can�t hear you tell me you love and that you�ll always come back without feeling some kind of deep remorse. I love you, Sirius, but it�s just too hard.� Sirius wanted to slap some sense into her. He wanted her to stop being so foolish. Being in love wasn�t this hard. But he just took it like it was and then turned around. Before he left, he whispered, �I�ll be back, Cassie,� and Disapparated. |