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| �Merry Christmas, Sirius.�
Sirius looked up at Lily�s bright green eyes and smiled delicately at her. She and James had invited everyone to their flat the Christmas after graduation. James and Lily had decided that after school, they were going to live together. It�d taken a lot of time to get everything organized, but they finally had their own place and were happy. It wasn�t the greatest flat in all of London, but they were still working their way through Auror training. Once they started making money, they could move somewhere nicer. They already had it all planned out. How Sirius envied them. He had been moping about for six months, completely miserable. He hadn�t spoken to Cassie in what felt like forever. They were writing letters by owl, but it didn�t seem to be enough. He�d wanted to tell her everything when he left her on the platform after they got of the Hogwarts Express, but he couldn�t bring himself to open his mouth. She�d taken his hand and looked him right in the eye. �Write me.� Oh, just say it, his heart ordered his brain as it pounded heavily in his chest. Tell her that you want to do more than write her. You want to hold her in your arms, kiss her, and confess that you love her. Yes, Sirius Black, you love her. �I promise.� Stupid! They had been corresponding quite frequently. Once a week he�d received a letter from Cassie and had always hastily written back. She apologized for not writing more often. She was in a separate school now, studying potions and charms before she could become a full-fledged alchemist. She was to be in this school until next June and then she could begin work. Then, she promised, she would have time for him. She�d written only a few days before, telling him they were letting her leave for two weeks for a Christmas vacation. She wanted to see him and she was going be home late that night. He had promised James and Lily he�d come over Christmas Eve and exchange gifts. Now all he could think about was seeing Cassie again. How beautiful had she gotten since he�d seen her last? What did she look like? Would she still accept the feelings he had for her? They were still there, and he was determined to let her know. He and Lily talked about her quite often. Lily told her that he was a miserable wreck without her, and needed her in his life. He just had to convince Cassie of that, too. �Who�s ready for some food?� Lily asked, getting up from her place on the floor. �Me! Me!� James yelled. He jumped up and ran toward Lily, grabbing her around the waist and swinging her around happily. Remus and Peter stood up and made their way into the kitchen/dining room to sit down at the table. Sirius stood up slowly and stared at the decorated Christmas tree. Lily had always been great at Charms, and she had used her incredible ability to make the Christmas tree that much more lovely. For a girl who had been Muggle-born, she certainly loved to parade the fact that she was a witch. She hadn�t even cooked the Christmas dinner by hand that night. She promised James (with a kiss on the cheek) that she�d make him a nice, traditional Muggle feast on their Christmas. �You know how to cook, Lil?� Remus asked, grabbing the mince pie and staring incredulously at his friend. �Of course I do!� she said. She stuck her tongue out at him in a two-year-old fashion and passed James the wassail. Dinner went on pleasantly and Sirius finally remembered himself after a while. He was so distracted by the antics and the teasing that he�d forgotten going to see Cassie at all. It made him feel alive again to be joking around with his best friends on one of the happiest holidays of the year. It was only when Lily stood up and announced that she was going to wash the dishes that Sirius remembered. After Lily was at the sink, James jumped up and ran over to her, kissing her on the cheek. �Thank you for a great meal, love.� �You�re welcome,� she whispered affectionately, placing a kiss on her lips. �Do you need help?� �I�m not doing it manually,� she said with a wink. James smiled playfully. �All right. We�ll all be in the living room if you need us.� She waved him off and the boys all went into the living room to talk. Sirius remained sullen and withdrawn, but no one really seemed to notice. They were all tired after the huge meal they�d eaten, and within an hour, everyone was ready to leave. Sirius felt his hands tremble. He was so anxious to see Cassie that he could feel his heart throbbing in his throat. He wanted to stay with James and Lily for a little while longer, but he knew he wouldn�t be able to sit still if he didn�t see Cassie soon. �We want to be alone anyway,� said James, practically pushing Sirius out the door. �Leave us alone. Go.� Lily walked in and slapped James on the shoulder. He cowered and rubbed it. �Oh, be quiet, I didn�t hit you that hard.� She turned to Sirius and smiled in her gentle, Lily way. �You go on, and you see Cassie. I want to see you tomorrow. Merry Christmas, Sirius.� �Merry Christmas, Lily. And I guess you too, James.� James looked at his friend in indignation and then smiled evilly as he slammed the door shut. Sirius really envied James sometimes. He seemed to have it altogether. He had his career figured out and he had a place with the girl of his dreams. Sirius rented his own flat, sure, but he certainly didn�t look forward to going to it every night. There was no one there to warm the place up. It was cold and empty. He decided to Apparate to Cassie�s place, but he had to calm himself down before he could do so. He was nervous and excited about seeing her. He�d brought his present for her to James and Lily�s so he could go straight from their place to Cassie�s, as he wanted to waste absolutely no time in seeing her. He appeared just outside the door to Cassie�s flat and it swung open before he had a chance to ready himself. She was glorious. He hadn�t seen her in six months, but nothing about her had changed. Well, except for the fact that he looked that much more beautiful. She still had the most gorgeous sparkling blue eyes, long amber colored hair that swept magnificently at her back, and a rose colored face that complimented her wide, pink lipped smile. �Sirius.� �Cassie.� She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him into the room. �I was just going to put out some eggnog. You probably ate at Lily�s, right?� Sirius stopped to look around. �Oh, right,� he answered her, just then realizing she had asked him a question. He couldn�t help but notice the dilapidated state her flat was in. It hurt him to see her live in such filth when she herself was above it. She came back in with a glass of eggnog and smiled at Sirius. �What is it?� she asked, noticing the look of concern on his face. He looked around again, setting his glass of eggnog down and sitting on the couch. Cassie followed suit, continuing to stare at Sirius. �It�s just� how can someone so beautiful and so smart live in such a bloody awful place?� Cassie looked around and then sighed dejectedly. �It was the best I could afford. I mean, after all, I didn�t go straight into a job, and I plan on buying myself a house when I become an alchemist.� Sirius took Cassie�s hands in his own and closed his eyes. �Do you want to spend Christmas with me?� Cassie looked at him for a second and then whispered, �What?� He finally opened his eyes to look at her. It felt odd, staring into the eyes of the woman he loved but couldn�t be with. �Do you want to spend Christmas with me?� he repeated. �Sirius, you know that I can�t�� Sirius closed his eyes again and pulled away from her. �If I knew you couldn�t, why would I keep asking you?� Cassie was quiet. She opened her mouth to speak again, but Sirius promptly cut her off. �Would I continue to tell you my feelings for you and try to fight so hard to get you to understand if I knew that you couldn�t. You�re sadly mistaken in this affect, Cass. You can be with me if you want to be. You�re the one who is choosing to run away from me.� �Sirius, it�s not that I don�t want to be with you. I just can�t. If you knew, you�d think differently.� Sirius frowned, but decided not to pursue her secret at the moment. �What time since I have known you have I ever given you a reason not to trust me? Have I ever run away from you before? I have always come back after you�ve tried to push me away. Do you really think anything is going to change that?� Cassie stood up and walked out of the room quickly, but Sirius only followed her. She stood in her kitchen, faced away from Sirius, tears rolling down her cheeks. �I�ve missed you so much,� she said quietly. �I�ve missed you,� he answered. He stood far away from her, so as not to scare her off again. �I�ve thought about you every day.� �I�ve thought about you, too.� �Why are you so afraid to let me in?� She turned around and faced him. She walked closer to him and Sirius could feel the heat from her body on his face. All he wanted to do was lean over and kiss her again. The temptation was hard to resist. �I�ve been hurt so badly, Sirius. I fell in love with a man so deeply that I thought when he left me I�d never recover,� she sighed and looked up into his eyes. �I�ve fallen in love with you, Sirius, even deeper than I did with Chris. It would break my heart so badly if you decided to leave me, or if I lost you.� Sirius was shocked at her confession. He�d known somewhere inside of her that she loved him, but it was somewhat exhilarating to hear her actually say it aloud. He didn�t know what to do now. �I�m not sure I want to let you in. I loved Chris with all my heart, so when he left me, it hurt. I never thought I�d love again. Then you came along and I fell so in love with you that I knew it was going to be next to impossible for me to be with you. If I lost you, I�d lose myself, and if you were to leave me, I�d never be able to live. There�s something about me that you don�t know, and I don�t want to let you in because I�d have to tell you at the risk of losing you.� Sirius stared at her, and then began to speak as he laid his hand upon her cheek. �Do you really think I�m going to go anywhere? After all this time, I�m still here. Did I stay away when you rejected me on Valentine�s Day? No, of course not. I said nothing more of the matter so I wouldn�t drive you away. Don�t you understand? I�m not going to just leave you. I�m not Chris.� Cassie leaned into the soft gentle, touch of Sirius� hand and he felt her warm tears moisten his fingers. He pressed his forehead to hers as he had done at graduation, half expecting and fully hoping she would place a kiss on his lips as she had done last time. �I�ll spend Christmas with you, Sirius,� she whispered, �if you leave right now and let me come over tomorrow.� He picked his head up and stared at Cassie. �Cassie� what-� �I just need to be alone for a while, Sirius. And if I spend any more time with you tonight, I might end up doing something I�d regret.� Pain stabbed deeply into Sirius� heart. Did she mean, that by sleeping with him, she would regret it? Was it something that she really didn�t want to do, no matter how much she claimed to love him? His hurt must have shown on his face, because Cassie touched his hand and whispered, �I would never forgive myself if I was to perform such a loving act with you and then end up leaving the next morning. I love you far too much to hurt you that way.� Sirius gripped Cassie�s hand tightly and smiled his assurance at her. He turned to go and she stopped him before he could. �I�ll be there tomorrow, I promise.� Sirius put his hand up as a sign of his love for her as he Apparated. He opened his eyes and found himself in the same cold, lonely flat that he�d left four hours before. He looked around and then fell down onto the couch. Tears poured out of his eyes. |