Chapter 10

It was something of a surprise to wake up the next morning and find Cassie sleeping soundly next to him. He thought he was dreaming once again. The blonde hair on the pillow next to his, the bare, creamy skin of her back just within his reach. It had to be a fantasy.

But she rolled over and her eyelids fluttered open. A pair of beautiful, crystalline eyes greeted him and he couldn�t help but smile widely. She was real.

�Good morning, darling,� he whispered to her, reaching over to touch her.

Cassie frowned for a second and then looked at him more closely. She then sat up abruptly, grabbing the covers and wrapping them around her unclad chest.

�Oh no,� she muttered, looking around quickly.

Sirius sat up. �What�s the matter?�

She turned her head to look at Sirius and she mouthed soundlessly for a few minutes. �I can�t believe I stayed the night. I am so sorry, Sirius,� she said, making to move out of the bed.

He grabbed her arm. �What do you mean �sorry?� You�re apologizing for what we shared last night?�

She shook her head vigorously. �I mean, I�m sorry I can�t stay,� she said, yanking her arm back and moving again.

�Why can�t you stay?� he asked with desperation.

She finally got up and moved to grab her clothes, still using the sheet to cover herself up. Sirius thought this rather superfluous, after what they had done last night. He was too involved in what she was saying to joke around about her being nude.

�Cassie, what are you talking about?�

She said nothing and only continued to pick up her discarded clothing. She ran toward the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Sirius hopped out of bed, grabbing a pair of his boxer pants that happened to be lying next to his bed. He threw them on and ran to the door of the bathroom, pounding on it.

�Cassie, get out here. Right now.�

�Give me a second. I have to go.�

�Cassie, I�m not joking.�

�Sirius, I�m only half dressed.�

�Cassie, please.�

It took a couple of seconds, but finally, Cassie opened the door. She passed by him and walked into the bedroom. She stood by the door and Sirius sat down on the bed in front of her.

�Why are you leaving?�

Cassie shook her head, but Sirius persisted. �Come on, Cassie. I�m not daft, why are you leaving after what we shared last night? Was it not good enough or something?�

�Oh no!� she exclaimed. �No, Sirius, it�s nothing like that. I�m just sorry that I took advantage of you when you don�t know about this� this secret.�

Sirius sighed, rubbing his face and running his hands through his hair. �Why don�t you tell me then?�

�I�I��

Sirius laughed out loud, standing up and walking away from Cassie. �I cannot believe you actually have the nerve to keep this from me after last night. Didn�t I tell you� couldn�t you see� couldn�t you feel how much I love you?�

Cassie nodded, sweeping her hair out of her face. �That�s the thing, Sirius. I don�t want to tell you, and I�m sorry for taking advantage of your love for me. I wanted to spend the night with you, Sirius. I wanted to be with you more than I�d ever wanted to be with anyone in my entire life. I don�t regret what happened, I am very thankful for it. But I don�t want to tell you my secret. I have to leave.�

Sirius just stared at her for a few minutes and then shook his head. �I�ve chased you for a long time, Cassie, trying to convince you that my love for you is stronger than some secret you�re keeping from me. It�s stronger than your continuous efforts to push me away. What do I have to do to prove that you can tell me anything about yourself and I won�t care?�

Cassie shook her head, on the verge of tears. �I don�t know.�

�I�m so close to just giving up, Cassie. I don�t know what to say anymore.�

She looked up at him with tears misting her eyes. �I don�t want you to give up. I just� I don�t want you run from me because of this.�

Sirius rolled his eyes. �I�m through with this nonsense!� Cassie�s jaw dropped, but Sirius spoke before she could. �Well, it may not be stupid nonsense to you, Cassie, but it is to me. Do you want to know why? Because it�s keeping us from being together. It�s keeping us apart. I don�t understand what�s so damned awful terrible about you.�

�Sirius�� she begged.

�Are you a Death Eater, Cassie?�

She looked at him incredulously. �Why of course not!�

�Do you serve the Dark Lord?� he asked.

�NO!�

�Have you ever murdered anyone? Have you ever impaled anyone with a large object? Maimed anyone? Ate anyone? Turned into a crow and clawed the eyes out of a dead corpse? Have you, Cassie?�

She stopped and looked at him. She frowned and shook her head. �What on earth are you talking about? Of course I haven�t!�

�Then what are you worried about? Do you honestly think I am that completely heartless as to just leave you? Not when I love you so much,� he told her earnestly. �Even if you had done all those horrible things... and more...I�d still love you just as much as I do now. Nothing is going to change my love for you.�

Cassie looked around quickly and then back at Sirius. �Okay, you want to know why I was so freaked out the other night and made you leave? Do you want to know why I have to go now?�

�You don�t have to go anywhere. And yes, I would like to know why you were acting odd last night.�

�All right. You might want to sit down,� she indicated, pointing to the bed.

Sirius was more than happy to oblige. After all, she was probably going to tell him the dreaded secret. The secret that had made it impossible for him to love her for so long. It was finally going to be revealed. This horrific secret of hers.

�Sirius, when I was telling you about that vision I was having and you were saying that the girl called Andrea sounded like my daughter, I-I kind of panicked. You were talking about wanting to have children and how much you�d like to have children of your own, and it scared me.�

Sirius frowned. �Why?�

She looked down at her hands and then sniffled quite loudly.

�Why?� Sirius repeated. �Cass, what�s the problem?�

�I...I...�

�Cass, just say it.�

�Sirius! I can�t have children!�

Sirius was quiet for a few seconds and then he blinked and cried out, �So that�s it? THAT is the big secret, Cassie? THAT is what I�ve been fighting against for over two years, Cassie? THAT? The fact that you can�t have children? Are you so stupid as to think that my love for you could be compromise by something so trivial?�

She burst into tears and sank to the floor. Sirius was tempted to get up and care for her, but was too shocked to even move from his place on the bed.

�That�s not the half of it.�

�Then tell me,� Sirius whispered after a few seconds of complete silence.

Cassie sobbed for a while before she found the words to speak. �I can�t have children of my own, Sirius, and it killed me last night when you talked about having your own. Do you know how much it hurt me to hear you say that? Do you know how it kills me to know that if I stay with you, I�ll be taking away your God given right to have your own kids? I hate that! I hate it so much... It just kills me. I want to be with you, I�ve dreamt for so many nights about marrying you and being with you forever... but I can�t cheat you out of fatherhood.�

Sirius watched as Cassie broke down into a fit of tears and he was finally able to get up off of his feet and go to her. He wrapped his arms around her sobbing figure and pulled her closer to him as he sat down.

�Do you really think that giving up fathering my own children will keep me from loving you? I love you too much to just throw you away because I won�t have my own children to raise. If we get married and want children, it�s not a huge deal. We can always adopt.�

She sobbed onto his shoulder as she wrapped her arms around his chest. She was holding on tightly, like she never wanted to let him go.

�I have to tell you...why...why I can�t have children... I don�t know if you�ll even understand...� she sobbed.

�Sh, sh, you can tell me, it�s all right,� he hushed to her soothingly, petting her hair. He rested his cheek against her hair and breathed deeply. �Tell me, Cassie. Tell me everything.�

�I told you once how I dated Chris, right?�

�Yes, you did.�

�I never told you what he did to me, Sirius. It was something unforgivable. I loved him with him with all of my heart, and I swore I would do anything for him. We�d been dating for three months, during my fifth year. He was in his seventh year. Well, during summer vacation, he came to see me. He wanted to tell me that he felt we were growing apart, and unless we advanced our relationship to the next level, we might have to break up.�

Sirius gasped. �Oh, Cassie, don�t tell me��

�I did,� she said, nodding against him. �I didn�t want to lose him, and I knew that if I gave myself to him, I wouldn�t. Sirius, I was so wrong. He came to me the next day and told me he was leaving me. Said he�d only been in it to get me into bed. He had a bet going with his friends� and I didn�t know what to think. He�d taken something from me that was so precious, I thought I�d never recover. But then, he did something even more unthinkable.�

At this, Cassie began to sob once again and she clung to Sirius� shirt as if hanging on for dear life. �I don�t want to say it� I don�t want to say it�� she repeated quietly, hot tears coursing down her cheeks.

�You can say it,� Sirius said, rocking her back and forth comfortingly.

�He said he never wanted me to love another, never wanted me to be happy. Said he wanted to make me miserable. He got some kind of sick, twisted pleasure out of making people miserable. Performed this Cures on me. It�s called the Sterilitas Curse. It�s supposed to make it completely impossible for the intended victim to have children. I didn�t know what to do after he did that to me. I cried for so long, mourning over the thing that Chris had taken away from me. He�d taken my God given right to give birth! To create life! I swore right then there I would never love again. I�d never fall in love with someone who could do so much damage to me physically, and not to mention emotionally. It was hard to trust after that, Sirius. Something about you that fall made me think differently. I fell in love with you during the course of that year and I knew that sooner or later I was going to have to face up to this. You were just so� so wonderful!� She threw herself on him once again and cried.

Sirius, completely needless to say, was stunned into silence. He couldn�t believe the hundreds of conflicting emotions swirling through his body. He was relieved that Cassie�s secret wasn�t so terrible that it was impossible for him to be with her, he was maddened with anger at what this Chris had done to her, he was in pain seeing Cassie in so much turmoil, and he was completely hopeful once again that he could convince Cassie that he loved her no matter what.

�Do you hate me for keeping it from you, Sirius?�

�Oh, my darling, of course not!� he whispered, kissing her head gently. �I could never hate you. Why did you keep this from me at all?�

�It�s not something I like to talk about, Sirius.�

�It�s all right,� he said, holding her tightly. �You have me now, and you are going to be all right.�

She sat up then, wiping her eyes and staring at Sirius fixedly. �You have me, but what do you plan to do with me?�

Sirius stared at her in return. �And what exactly is that supposed to mean?�

�Sirius, do you want children?�

He sighed heavily. �Do you really want to get into this? I love you no matter what!�

Cassie stood up and walked toward the door. Sirius jumped up and ran after her. He grabbed her arm and whirled her around. He didn�t mean to get aggressive with her, but at some point, he just had to.

Pinning her up against the door to his bedroom, he looked down at her with fire in his normally docile brown eyes. �Don�t you dare walk out on me and pretend that what you just told me didn�t affect me in any way. Oh sure, we can�t have our own children because of some bloody wanker who decided to make your life miserable three years ago. Do you honestly think I am so completely shallow as to let that affect my love for you? CASSIOPEIA! I have been trying to make you understand since the moment I laid eyes on you� I�m not a normal bloke. I�m not going to tear your heart into shreds for the mere sport of it. I�, not Chris, and I don�t know how else to make you see. I can just tell you this. You are the one who is now breaking my heart. You have become the Chris of this relationship. After you, Cassie, I don�t think I�m ever going to love anyone nearly as much. I don�t know how you could possibly hurt me more. I�ve tried to convince you that I�m not like everyone else. Yet you always find some way to push me off. Do you not love me as much as you say you do?�

Cassie closed her eyes and wept silently as Sirius peered down at her in that angry and hurt way. �I do love you, Sirius. I just� I don�t want you to give up your life for me.�

And in one pop, she was gone.