Well I wrote a brief description on my story but I felt it was time for a more in-depth story. There maybe some babbling but please bare with me.

When I first got my first memories of being abused I was sitting in my Parenting class in the eighth grade. We were watching a movie on parenting and all of a sudden these memories just flushed over me. I began to cry and I left the class. I had a good friend, at the time, take me out to the hall. The teacher came out but my friend talked to her and just told her I needed time. The teacher said okay and went back inside. I begin to tell her what happened and she just listened. I still don’t know if I made any since but I was just glad to have here there to listen. I managed to push the memories to the back of my mind and finish the year. It was as easy as I wish it had been though. My attitude took a turn for the worst and I begin to mess with people because I could and cause trouble because I wanted to. I didn’t care at this point in time. I had the support I needed but those people just saw what I let them see. I had one teacher in particular that looked out for me all the time. I know that she would have been there if I needed someone to talk to but at that point in time I didn’t want help.

My ninth grade year was one of the roughest. By this time I was fighting with the fact that I had been abused. I told my best friend at the time what was going on and she said, "Yeah right, what did they do tell you?" From that point on I didn’t tell anyone. I had joined a support group at school for people that had been abused but that didn’t really help me. I mean it did a little because a close friend of mine was in it but other then that it didn’t. It just got worse throughout the year. I was hurting myself by punching walls to relieve stress. I mean it was to the point that the people in the office wouldn’t ask me when I asked for ice they would just get it or I would get it myself. They stopped asking after the first few times. The pressure just got worse and I hit the point where I was just begging for attention with suicide letters. That didn’t work either. Guess people just figured that I was bluffing. It wasn’t until I wrote a letter to a substitute teacher that something happened. She read the letter and told me that she had to tell someone. I said fine if she had to tell a school guidance counselor then she had to tell one. So I told her which one I preferred her to tell and she did. He called me down the same day and got me help. Unfortunately it wasn’t the help I wanted. I ended up in the hospital for attempted suicide and depression.

The month in the hospital had to have been the worst month of my life. I did learn a few things in that month that I still carry with me to this day. The most important thing I learned was the value of friendship. It was in that month that I regained a friendship that I had torn apart. It also taught me that life is valuable, a lesson that I still carry with me to this day. When I got out of the hospital it was toward the end of my ninth grade year. I was keeping up with my studies as much as I could while I was gone but still failed that card marking because I missed most of it.

I learned a lot upon my return to school as well. Teachers that I didn’t even have would stop and asked how I was. Word spreads fast among teachers so most of them knew why I was gone. I finished the year without to many problems. The lessons of friendship continued when I returned to school. I had a teacher that knew what was going on even before any of my teachers because my close friend, who was in the guidance office when my counselor made the call to get me an appointment and I called her when they admitted me into the hospital, told her. This teacher was totally surprised when I was staring at her through her classroom window. She was a very caring person that probably doesn’t realize how much she helped me.

In High School I still struggled with my self-esteem and confidence. I felt as if I could do nothing right so I just fluffed out my sophomore year. Bad mistake I learned later. High school itself was full of lessons.

The years went on but the pain stayed with me. My junior year had to be my hardest because I was so scared I was going to fall back to the way I was in ninth grade. I have the teacher support again and one became a good friend of mine. She along with three other teachers was the only reason I graduated and attend the little college I had. They pushed me to do my best. They tried to show me that I was smart but by this time I had it set in my head that no matter what I did it would never be good enough.

I did manage to graduate and attend college but that is when my life got messed up yet again. My first year of college was rough. All the negative feelings came back all at once. I got involved in cutting as a release of the negative tension. All though I had positive people and support I just couldn’t trust it or them yet. I slowly learned to trust one person very much and this person was Michaele. She was the last person I thought I would trust but ended up becoming the one I trusted most. Michaele, her roommate Diane, and I shared many long talks as they sat there just listening to me. They lived in the on campus apartment which became my safe haven a lot of times. To this day Michaele is always there to listen when I need a friend.

There is more to my healing but I think that it would fit better on my testimony page so if you would like to continue hearing about my hearing click here and it’ll take you to the next page