Well I never expected to be posting my testimony on the web but I felt that it may help others. I am a born again Christian that was raised in a Christian home. I thought that accepted Christ as my Savior at the age of 6 or 7. I remember going to church camp that year and going to chapel and hearing about Jesus. I wanted that for my life. I remember going outside the chapel and praying with a counselor and saying I accepted Him as my Savior. As a child I really believed that I had done something great and my life would never be the same. As I began to grow up, I began questioning myself more then I should, I just shrugged it off as something that I was crazy for thinking. Boy was I wrong to do that.
I began to really question my salvation when I was in seventh grade. The question was answered for me on Sunday when my best friend that I had grown up with accepted Christ as his Savior. I began to cry and it really made me think. It was that following Wednesday night when I pulled one of my youth workers aside and accepted Christ as my Savior. You always hear that you are a changed person and I was until my life took a sudden down turn.
It began in eighth grade when my past started coming back to me. I blamed and hated God for letting the things that happened to me happen. I just couldn't understand that so I ran from him. I became someone that really scared me. I hated myself so I picked on anyone I could to make myself feel better. As the year went on, I just got more depressed and hit the point where I just withdrew from everything. It was in ninth grade when I hit the lowest of low. I totally turned against God.
It took me hitting my lowest and being hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts, to realize that I needed to change. It was one of my closest friends, Kim, which helped me through my lowest. She made me realize that I couldn't do this alone and that I needed God to help me. I finally let go and asked him to help me. He has helped me to begin dealing with the past and everything else and I would be totally lost without Him.
I went through life thinking that I was saved and that I was a Christian but the reality of it was that I was far from it. I went to a Christian College where God worked on my heart but the devil worked harder and had control of my life. It was during that time that I had convinced myself that I was gay and that it was okay because God made me that way. In reality I was just scared of men and took comfort in women.
It was also during this time that I went into self destruct mode. I was so tore up from the past that I was always in a funk. I was so far depressed that there wasn't anything anyone could do to bring me out of it. I did anything and everything to try to make the pain go away including creating new pain to use as a release as the old pain. I was a cutter. I was more then a cutter though. I would carve words into my body to reflect what I felt about myself. I didn't realize it when I was doing it because I was so numb that I didn't even feel it.
After trying to improve my grades for two years in college I gave up and came home. I was still in a depression but put on the happy face and made believe that everything was okay. When I found the next available out I took it. I moved to Florida.
When I moved to Florida I was lost. I ran from my life instead of dealing with it. Figuring that if I left it would all stay there. This was not the case.
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